Best Lines on TV This Week: ‘You Didn’t Tell Me The Dude From Matchbox 20 Would Be Here’
If there’s one thing you can count on in television, it’s that when one show’s season ends, another’s begins—and that was certainly the case this past week which saw some series bid adieu until next the next year, while others finally returned to grace our screens once again. Without further ado, here’s our weekly round-up of best quips, quotes and quick bits of dialogue from the latest episodes.
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“Couple of more deaths, we’ll be able to change this Lifetime movie into a Greek tragedy.”
—Vaughn (Steven Weber) has interesting taste
“Will no one rid me of the meddlesome Jason Priestley type?!”
—Vaughn wants Major (Robert Buckley) gone
“You didn’t tell me the dude from Matchbox 20 would be here. I would have come.”
—Clive Babineaux is a surprisingly big Rob Thomas fan
The Mindy Project
“It’s not like we’re going to get in a some big fight where I call him a greaseball and throw his protein powder out the window. I already did that.”
—Mindy (Lahiri) is handling her break up as well as can be
“You’re not interested in the early history of the US Treasury department?”
—Tamra (Xosha Roquemore) can’t fathom why someone wouldn’t want to watch Hamilton
“You can’t scare me like that! You know my doctor says I have the heart of an 80-year-old coal miner.”
—Mindy might not be in the best shape
“It’s the middle of the night. It’s 10:00PM.”
—Danny (Chris Messina) is more than an old soul
“You remind me of a guy I went to college with… But that was a different time… In a different world…”
—Erica (guest star Jasmine Guy) can’t quite place her finger on why Craig (Kadeem Hardison) looks so familiar
Marisa: “There’s my partner in crime! And by crime, I mean shopping!”
K.C.: “Girl, the way you shop is a crime.”
—K.C. (Zendaya) drops a truth bomb on BFF Marisa (Veronica Dunne)
“Kara, call Harrison Ford and tell him that I’m flattered, but once and for all, I do not date older men—especially when they’re married.”
—Cat Grant’s (Calista Flockhart) portrayer is married to Ford in real life
“You, me, working together… It’s not going to be awkward right?”
—Cam (Kyle Harris) hopes his confession doesn’t frighten Kirsten (Emma Ishta) off
“I want to protect our friendship.”
—Kirsten has a lot of emotions to sort through
“So Tim was cheating on his wife—with a man. I did not see that coming. The devil usually has impeccable gaydar.”
—For once, even Lucifer (Tom Ellis) himself couldn’t see a twist coming
DC’s Legends of Tomorrow
— Legends of Tomorrow (@TheCW_Legends) April 15, 2016
Julia: You okay?
Quentin: No, I just stabbed my own hand.
—Quentin (Jason Ralph) makes some sacrifices while seeking out one of Fillory’s gods.
Quentin: I think the dungeon is in The Castle That Isn’t There.
Penny: That’s the stupidest name I’ve ever heard.
Eliot: You didn’t just do shots with a bulldog named Bristlycoat.
—Penny (Arjun Gupta) is still struggling to get on board with Fillory’s fantasy aspects.
Frank: “Devil damn the press.”
Reverend Wakefield: “It’s not likely. Even the devil has standards.”
—Frank (Tobias Menzies) is not pleased that the newspaper is theorizing his wife Claire (Caitriona Balfe) was kidnapped by fairies
Claire: “When will be the proper time?”
Jamie: “You tell me, Sassenach. You’re the one from the future.”
—Jamie (Sam Heughan) tells Murtagh (Duncan Lacroix) that he will explain why they have to break up the rebellion and reveal Claire’s (Caitriona Balfe) secret at “the proper time”
Selina: “You know how to sew?”
Bruce: “Alfred says it’s an important skill for young bachelors.”
—Bruce (David Mazouz) fixes up Selina’s (Camren Bicondova) jacket, and later one Jim’s (Ben McKenzie) wounds with his mad sewing skills.
— Wynonna Earp (@WynonnaEarp) April 16, 2016
“He’s always buzzing around you. He’s like a sexy Italian fly and you’re like this old meatball in an alley.”
—Paula (Donna Lynne-Champlin) doesn’t have the kindest words for her BFF Rebecca (Rachel Bloom)
Father Brah: I’m here for you son.
Josh: You’re going to have to stop calling me that. We’re the same age.
—Josh Chan (Vincent Rodrigues III) needs his friend to take it down a notch
Felix: “Look, Constable, I only popped ’round for a drink. The bar is very classy. All the bartenders wear little matador jackets.”
Officer: You were arrested there for solicitation six months ago as well.
Felix: “But I was released without charge.”
Officer: Only this time, we caught your Bay Street blow boy too.
Felix: “Now I’m confused. Is that a sexual or narcotic reference?”
Officer: Possession. Solicitation. Public urination, that’s nice.
Felix: “That was a performance piece, and I never should have been charged.”
—Felix (Jordan Gavaris) tries to get out of trouble in a flashback at Beth’s workplace
“The only reason I’m alive is because they think I’m dead.”
—The paranoid MK (Tatiana Maslany) tells Beth (also Maslany) about her precarious situation
Beth: “OK, you repeat after me. I promise that I will not gun up until Beth has shown me basic firearm safety.”
Allison: “I promise.” [as she pulls the unloaded gun’s trigger at a bottle of laundry detergent]
—Beth (Tatiana Maslany) attempts to teach Allison (Tatiana Maslany) how to responsibly use a gun
Nate: “My god, man, you don’t have to be Colombo to figure out this isn’t an ice cream place.”
Jared: “I’m not Colombo, okay? I’m not gonna discover America. I just wanna get back inside and get an ice cream.”
Nate: “Because you’re not old enough for this… Particular flavor of sadness.”
—Nate (Jason Jones) is shocked his son Jared (Liam Carroll) didn’t realize that Banana Creamery was actually a strip club and not an ice cream parlour from the online ad
— Chicago Med (@NBCChicagoMed) April 13, 2016
Manny: “He always wants to watch his show “Mystery Kidz,” with a ‘Z.’ It’s insufferable.”
Gloria: “Now you know what I felt when I had to watch your favorite show.”
Manny: “Masterpiece Theatre?”
Gloria: “It was hosted by a creepy puppet.”
Manny: “That was Alan Cumming.”
—Gloria (Sofia Vergara) is clearly not a Good Wife fan
“Sweet Teen Wolf what have I become?”
—Phil’s (Ty Burrell) staycation beard is not his best look
Hannah: “Please just come get me.”
Marnie: “I’m sorry, I can’t. I wish I could help. Why don’t you just call an Uber?”
Hannah: “No, I got kicked off the app for having too low a rating. You know that.”
—Hannah (Lena Dunham) desperately needs someone to pick her up after breaking up with her boyfriend at a rest stop and telling him to leave her there