Best Lines on TV This Week: 'Why are all the doctors in this hospital hot?'
This week was full of highs and lows for TV fans. Amidst the demise of long-term series regulars, were the debuts of some long-awaited, fan favorites—as well as some surprise guest stars. With the events of this past TV week still fresh in our minds, here's our weekly round-up of best quips, quotes and quick bits of dialogue from the latest episodes.
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"Why are all the doctors in this hospital hot? Seriously, it’s like a condition of employment here."
—New patient Kyle (guest star Wilmer Valderrama, left) appreciates his team of doctors
Kyle: Wait, so I’m going to be playing the guitar while you’re poking around in my brain?
Amelia: That way we can know exactly when we’ve nailed the tremor.
Kyle: Well, that’s impossible.
Stephanie: No, that’s possible. You’ll be awake and able to play.
Kyle: No, for you. I mean, I don’t know if you know what happens when women hear me play. Your hand is going to get a little shaky.
—Kyle voices an unexpected concern about his impending operation
Catherine: [reading] Bowel resection with Dr. Webber...
Richard: They say he’s good… Easy on the eyes too.
—Richard (James Pickens Jr.) doesn't waste a good opportunity to tease his wife Catherine (Debbie Allen) and pay himself a compliment
Rob: "Why are we watching this?"
Sharon: "Because Mad Men is finished and Game of Thrones isn't on yet."
—Sharon (Sharon Hogan) explains their current selection of TV shows to her husband Rob (Rob Delaney)
"Tell me where you don't want to take her and I'll tell her it burned down."
—Rob comes up with a foolproof strategy to distract his mother
Sharon: "Why did we do this?"
Rob: "Because it knocks out all our visitors in one terrible afternoon."
—Rob reminds his wife of why they've thrown a party
Sharon: "She prescribed me some pills that she said could make me more receptive to sex, but less likely to enjoy it."
Rob: "Was that a riddle?"
—Rob points out the problem with Sharon's medication
"Your heart belongs to Abigail Mills." -Betsy #SleepyHollow
— Sleepy Hollow (@SleepyHollowFOX) April 9, 2016
"What is there for me in a world without you?" -Crane #SleepyHollow
— Sleepy Hollow (@SleepyHollowFOX) April 9, 2016
American Crime Story: The People V. O.J. Simpson
"If the glove's too small... easy call." No. [clears throat] "If the gloves... don't fit... "
—Johnnie Cochran (Courtney B. Vance) brainstorms the line in his closing argument that will become famous
"God, they’ve discussed this case less than anybody in America."
—Robert Shapiro (John Travolta) after hearing that the jury decided in less than four hours
The Powerpuff Girls
"I remember last night like it was yesterday…"
—Buttercup (Natalie Palamides) doesn't completely grasp how time works
"I have assembled the most evil of pizza toppings. Forbidden artichokes of the Sahara, Transylvanian wurst pepperoni, broccoli of the doomed and pineapple... Because I like it."
—Mojo Jojo (Roger Jackson) enacts his latest evil (and delcious-sounding) plan
The Walking Dead
"Pissin' our pants yet? Boy, do I have a feeling we're gettin' close. It's gonna be pee-pee pants city here real soon."
—Negan (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) makes a memorable (and highly anticipated) entrance
The Carmichael Show
"Maxine, not all phobias are bad. My fear of sharks is what kept me from being eaten by a shark all these years... Well, that and the fact that I don't know how to swim. But that also proves that some stereotypes are true."
—Jerrod (Carmichael) makes two points with one example
Joe: If this neighborhood is so bad, why'd you move in?
Zayn: It's all we could afford.
Joe: Yeah, us too.
—Turns out Joe (David Alan Grier) and Zayn (Fahim Anwar) can agree on something
Zayn: "You assume every Muslim's a terrorist. Do I look like a terrorist to you?"
Joe: "Well, if I was casting a new season of 24 you would get the part."
—Joe takes a shot at TV trends
"Yes! The role I was anagrammed to play."
—Lisa Simpson (Yeardley Smith) celebrates her being cast as Casablanca’s Ilsa.
Marge: Can’t we just find Smithers a boyfriend?
Homer: Finally, a use for the internet.
—Homer (Dan Castellaneta) clearly hasn’t discovered the potential of the interwebs.
"Click me and we will boldly go to Yogurtland, but be warned I don’t care for people who cling on."
—Star Trek legend George Takei gets a little pun-ny on his online dating profile
George Takei: Mr. Collins, would you be charmed by horror stories of working with Bill Shatner?
Tom Collins: Uh, who?
George Takei: I like you already.
—Takei knows what he wants in a man
The Big Bang Theory
Leonard: I bought a baseball cap.
Penny: I can see that. Which team did you get?
Leonard: Hufflepuff, from Harry Potter.
—Leonard (Johnny Galecki) doesn't have a favorite team as much as a favorite house
Raj: Are you sure you can do this?
Howard: Hey! Who found four dollars in change at the beach with a metal detector?
Raj: I buried it there so we could go home.
—Raj (Kunal Nayyar) proves the sometimes even friendship has its limits
Alec: "How are we gonna find Hodge? He didn’t leave anything we can track. I might be able to ask Magnus for help."
Jace: "You need to stop thinking with your stele, Alec."
—Jace (Dominic Sherwood) finds as creative way to say no when Alec (Matthew Daddario) suggests asking his boyfriend for help
"I'd say it was a sobering experience."
—A newly returned Felix (Parker Young) has a sense of humor about his time in rehab
Lisbeth: "That bitch can't talk that [bleep] on me."
Lauren: "Dial back the language. We're going for Bravo, not TLC."
—Lauren (Bailey De Young) knows what kind of show she wants to be the star of
"Looks like your Freddie Mercury's in retrograde."
—Noah (Elliot Fletcher) uses his wit on Shane (Michael J. Willett)
Fresh Off the Boat
Jessica: "Where is 'Next Week on Melrose Place'?!"
Diedre: "That was the finale."
Jessica: "What does that mean?"
Amanda: "The season finale? It's the last episode of the show until the new season starts in September."
Jessica: "So they just take the summer off?"
Carol-Joan: "Well, they do make 32 episodes a year."
Jessica: "But there's 52 weeks in a year! Not even teachers take 20 weeks of vacation!"
—Jessica (Constance Wu) does not adjust well to her favorite show ending for the summer
"Crazy chick with a gun!"
—Wynonna (Melanie Scrofano) knows how to get someone's attention
"Have a little faith. We’ve survived hotdog stuffed crust pizza. We’ve got this."
—Wynonna makes a very good point about surviving Revenants
Dolls: I don’t do relationships.
Wynonna: How about smiling? You do that?
—Wynonna attempts to learn more about her agent partner (Shamier Anderson)
Waverly: "You're not my type."
Doc: "Darlin', I'm everyone's type."
—Doc (Tim Rozon) makes a fair point
"What does one get for the demonic, sociopath who has everything? A braver man'd suggest mouthwash."
—Doc muses out loud to himself as he searches Waverly's (Dominique Provost-Chalkley) apartment
"I'm really glad that you found Felicity, and I hope you find your way back to her, and, Ollie, I know that I am not the love of your life... But you will always be the love of mine."
—Laurel Lance's (Katie Cassidy) bids Oliver (Stephen Amell) goodbye with her final words
Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
— Agents of SHIELD (@AgentsofSHIELD) April 6, 2016
Sasha: "Are you trying to look into my soul?"
Louise: "Already there, and it isn't pretty."
—Louise (Kristen Schaal) does not like what she sees in Sasha's (John Daly) eyes
"Time to bring out my lovely assistant, Miss Direction."
—Sasha proves to be skilled at distraction and word play
"I'm floating, I'm bouncing, there's cake. This is probably what it's like to be an astronaut!"
—Gene (Eugene Mirman) is living the dream
Louise: "Tina, you're stamps."
Tina: "Stamps? I won't mail in this performance."
Louise: "Gene, calculator."
Gene: "You can count on me."
—Puns clearly run in the Blecher family