‘Alaskan Bush People’: ‘The Chaos Before the Storm’ (RECAP)
In the Alaskan Bush People episode “The Chaos Before the Storm” (September 1), winter is approaching yet the Wolfpack is feeling the heat!
Bear works furiously to finalize an addition to his home as Billy faces a new medical crisis. A big winter storm forces Noah and Rhain Alisha to make a tough decision.
WINTER IS RIGHT THERE!! There is much work to be done. Which means it’s time for … Billy Brown Syndrome! Right on schedule, the Brown family patriarch is once again having difficulty breathing, though he’s having absolutely no trouble talking nonsense.
Have you noticed how often Billy throws in the “to be honest with you” phrase? The more he says it, the higher he peaks on the B.S. meter.
“I thought I was home,” Billy mumbles. Huh? Who shot who in the what now? Billy’s definitely discoherent.
Billy decides to go “talk to doc” and have his Billy Brown Syndrome properly diagnosed and treated. And just like that, he’s back.
His family is eager to help him out in many ridiculous ways.
Billy don’t need no hospital. If he can walk 20 feet, he’s just fine. Besides, the Bush heals all. As long as Billy is in the Bush, he will be just fine and will never require the marvels of modern medicine again.
Remember Bear’s stupid shipping container (i.e. conex) house that’s precariously perched on top of Mount EXXXXTREME? Bear decides it’s time to fix that problem and add a second conex to his dwelling. This will require a bulldozer (no word on how Bear acquired it) and the earth-moving prowess of his infirm dad.
Back at the barn, there’s a commotion brewing. One of the horses is preggers, and it’s about to “drop a dream” any day now.
Billy bloviates on how this is a major milestone in his months-long dream of building Brown Star Ranch, and how this event will be cornerstone of something that will remain “when we’re all gone and just memories around here.”
I wonder what will happen to all this after Discovery Channel regains consciousness and cancels the show. Unlike Brownton Abbey, Billy owns this Bushington land. When the Park Slope crew packs up and leaves for the final time, Brown Star Ranch is all Billy’s problem. Without Discovery bankrolling this B.S., Brown Star Ranch and everything on it will probably just be left to disintegrate. I would enjoy watching a time-lapse video of that.
On the subject of disintegration, Noah, Gabe and Bam visit a demolition site to acquire concrete blocks for Noah’s castle. This whole place reminds me of Wall-E. Drone operator Cico gets a nice aerial shot of this incinerating pile.
Basically, it looks like someone’s gotta drive a forklift around, pick up a bunch of wooden crates, and drop them into the fire. I am clearly in the wrong business. Do you see that massive pile of crates on the right? Why don’t they just set that whole thing ablaze? INEFFICIENCY!
One of the workmen, who came to the job site that morning not expecting that he would have a scene in the worst show on TV, guides Noah to where he can find the best cinder blocks. Noah says he needs at least 300 blocks so he and his wife can build a castle. The only appropriate reaction is:
Noah and Gabe start dismantling a brick wall while Bam stacks them on a pallet jack. Bam envisions Noah’s son one day working alongside his father in the family business, acting like an ass on TV and building things that don’t work.
Bear consults with Billy on the conex project. Nothing like sitting around the campfire enveloped in a thick haze of smoke after you’ve just been treated for Billy Brown Syndrome. Billy says he’s a little “apprehentious” (the closed captioners changed it to “apprehensive”) about Bear’s plan for the conex deal, which involves leveling out the ground with the magically appearing bulldozer and then hauling the second conex up the hill and parking it right next to the first one.
Billy’s up to the task, however, since it’s just sitting and moving some levers. “I’m not finished with the Bush, yet. You know?” Billy says. You are welcome to finish with the Bush anytime, Billy.
We don’t get to see the actual leveling of the ground, which must’ve been accomplished by someone who knows what they were doing.
Back at the barn, Birdy must deal with the consequences of keeping Bambi, the billy goat. Billy must be banded, a method of castration by which a tight rubber band is put “around the male part,” cutting off the circulation to the cojones until they “rot” and fall off. Birdy underestimates the size of Bambi’s enormous nads and it takes her three different attempts to band him.
The whole subplot involves a lot of bizarre shots of Birdy and Gabe handling a goat’s scrotum while every male viewer winces.
Like so.
That’s enough.
GOOD GOD, STOP ALREADY!
The show moves from one scene of emasculation to another, as Noah and She Who Will Not Be Named, his “very, massively pregnant” wife, unload cinder blocks. Noah thinks it’s perfectly fine for his wife to lift heavy objects because he knows everything about women from his vast experience with them.
If only Noah had as much knowledge of the English language. He pronounces “M*A*S*H tent” as “mash-tuh” and the closed captioners totally gave up on trying to translate that. Making She Who Will Not Be Named’s head look like a concrete block, however, is rare flash of brilliance from Park Slope.
This episode can’t decide if there’s snow on the ground or not, which is a clear giveaway that some scenes were shot out of sequence. At the time Noah and She Who Will Not Be Named are hauling bricks, there was an overnight snowstorm. There’s a really pointless scene of Noah and She Who Will Not Be Named in her Jeep trying to negotiate the treacherous road to Castle Ridge. It was sure swell of someone to plow the driveway before they got there. (Another nice drone shot, Cico.)
Noah finally realizes how stupid this castle idea is and how it won’t come to fruition before young Elijah pops out. It’s decided that Noah and She Who Will Not Be Named will leave Brown Star Ranch and move closer to the “hospital area.” In this case, the hospital area is in Coeur d’ Alene, Idaho, more than four hours’ drive from Loomis, Bushington.
The Browns gather for a send-off to Noah and the Very Massively Pregnant “Kitten.”
Bear likes to make everything about him, so he talks about how he wants to teach the kid about starting fires. Rainy gives him an eye roll.
Then Bear says he’s not having any kids until he’s 60 or 70. So now you’re forced to think of AARP Bear procreating with a woman of childbearing age. Or maybe Bear will have his sperm cryogenically preserved, and now you’re forced to think about that. Someone fetch Birdy’s banding device.
Our Dear Narrator, Asa, notifies us that “hours after Discovery crews left the mountain,” there’s some late-night wild rumpus in the barn that has nothing to do with Gabe and Raquell in the Hayloft of Love.
The horse is giving birth. They rouse Billy from his sleep because they think he knows what to do. But Billy don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ horses! Billy tries to lend a hand, but Mother Horse is like, “Back the F off, bro.”
You can tell just how incompetent the Browns are with horses. No one even thought to turn the horse placenta into a luxury shampoo.
Of course, Billy and Mother Ami fawn over the foal and its greater significance as a symbol of “everything that we’ve ever dreamed of and wanted.” Yeah, sure, that’s it.
That screen shot really accentuates the massive size and slope of Mother Ami’s schnozzola. You could park a conex on that thing. Damn!
Which brings us full circle to Bear’s little conex villa. Billy’s feeling better and he’s reinvigorated, probably from eating all that horse placenta. The snow has magically vanished, and Billy’s ready to get behind the controls of the bulldozer again.
Sure, Billy. It’s nice to think that you’re needed. You just go out there and do your best and have fun!
In the interstitial segment, we find Bear adding “extra flair” to conex No. 2.
Bear is decorating the conex with his own style of EXXXXTREME art, which consists of painting some flames on the side and then throwing dirt at it.
This is really beautiful, Bear. Maybe Mother Ami will hang it on the fridge. Or maybe Billy will hide it behind this other conex so no one can ever see it again.
Billy may not be “the same, strong, macho Bush guy” he never was 30 years ago, but he can still pretend to operate a bulldozer and pull his troglodyte son’s shipping container up a hill. Huzzah.
Spiel time! Everything is just wonderful at Brown Star Ranch. Horses are giving birth. Blood flow to Bambi’s gonads is finally being restricted. Pretty girls are flocking to Bear’s conex house.
And next week is already the season finale!
It’s time for another edition of “That’s Matt!,” in which we take a social media look at Matt’s sober offscreen adventures:
Matt currently lives in Southern California, where he enjoys riding shotgun in his girlfriend’s car while blasting GnFnR’s “Sweet Child o’ Mine” and pointing the camera directly into the sun. Good times.
BONUS! Matt also posted a YouTube video for the first time in six months. Bartering social-media exposure for discounted dental services is the Brown Way, and Matt made this exhaustingly long video of his office visit.
Alaskan Bush People, Sundays, 9/8c, Discovery Channel
Conversation15 Comments
Please read the TV Insider Community Guidelines.
Comments are closed on this story.
-
O
When I first saw the title of this show years ago I thought maybe this is something worth watching . After the first episode I kept watching because I thought these people really live in Alaska and have no clue how to live off the land. Actually Davids comparison of the 3 stooges is the same I thought back then. Then the photos of them in Hawaii and trying to rip off the state of Alaska came out. I knew then there all in it for the money and never intended to live off the land anywhere. This offended me as I live Not in Alaska but northwest PA in the mountain valley adjacent to the Allegany National forest. I worked the oil fields all my life till retiring. I provided for my family by harvesting what the land gives us. Wild venison, turkey,grouse,and black bear. We grew much of our own food in the summer and spent hours canning it for winter. I raised and trained bird dogs on the side for grouse hunting and also worked for a tree cutting crew on weekends and days off. These people are a disgrace to anyone who tries to forge a life outdoors. Running around the woods in leather pants and rolling in mud like a morons before a hunt. I,stopped,watching but check reviews because of Ryan's ability to make me laugh through his writing. There is no way however this family would last a week at a Boy Scout camp without a fully equipped luxury motor home to live in.
3
-
O
I grew up on a farm near Wattsburg, Pa, and had the same experience, with the exception of bear, We didn't have a bear population in Erie County back in the 1940s.
I figured out the scam of ABP in the second episode when one of the boys dug a hole in the dirt to stay warm, and Ami dug a hole to keep the meat cold. And Billy, only after the children cut down a number of small trees, decided the trees were too small to build a trapper's shack. Wouldn't he have known that before the trees were cut?
Everything went downhill after episode #2, which was about 53 seasons ago.
1
-
-
C
You're not supposed to band animals as old as that goat. That is horribly cuel and could very well kill the goat. I hope someone alerts the authorities and remove the animals from this group of retarded idiots.
1
-
O
If anyone did report these fools they'd just pack up and leave. I wouldn't be surprised if they found some fake urgent reason to leave Brownclown ranch. Probably move to Colorado where there grandchild is. They'd certainly ruin John Denvers vision of Rocky Mountian high.
-
-
B
300 cinder blocks would build about a 10 x 10 foot room. A Castle indeed.
1
-
G
Someone did the math and determined that he'd need 4,000+ cinderblocks to build the castle.
-
-
G
Well I faithful read your great recaps, I still wonder how a thinking human being not getting paid to watch could possibly sit through an hour of this completely lying crapfest, and actually find enjoyment. Baffling to me. Editing had always been pretty bad on this show but it is as if they have just given up. Nobody believes in the lies anymore and nobody... viewers, cast members, crew, production company or especially Discovery gives a crap anymore about this abomination of an attempt at a TV show. Shoot some horrible film very cheaply, splice it together in a haphazard way, get it on the air and cash those sponsors checks. Just keep hoping enough 50+ female viewers with 10 cats keeps tuning in to keep this albatross on the air. I personally think that this whole thing was a miss opportunity. In seasons 1-4ish when rating were great the adults in the room should have stepped up and got some great writers and other talent involved and tried to develop a good product. Who knows how long this could have lasted. Instead they have Larry Moe and Curly hitting each other in the head. On further thought how dare I compare the awesome three stooges to these idiots. Maybe a better example is Sanjaya from American Idol. After a while it was obvious that he didn't have a ton of talent but he kept staying on the show week after week. I remember listening to Howard Stern at the time and it was an open joke where they were begging their listeners to call in and vote for him to keep the joke going. He lasted pretty far into the show. ABP has felt like a joke for a very long time now if not from episode 1 season 1.
This moral to this weeks TV rating are... don't mess with a hurricane or you will lose. The Weather Channel's hurricane Dorian coverage ranked #2-#12 on the rankings. ABP toppled from #10 to #32 on the Sunday night cable rankings. The total viewers stayed steady at 1.54 million people but the 18-49 slid down to .24. Those 50+ females will just not give up on this. Their cats must love ABP.
Raising Wild's ratings were so low I couldn't even find them as they weren't in the top 50.
1
-
G
Between the holiday weekend and the hurricane coverage, I expected ABP's ratings to be even lower. I don't know what determines how many episodes there are in a season, but the original Discovery schedule had new ABP episodes airing every Sunday in September. Now they're saying the 9/8 episode will be the season finale.
The whole premise of the show is fake and bad. Fake and bad are the Brown Way. Fake and bad have kept the show on the air for 10ish seasons. I don't think that any writers were ever going to change that. I guess we'll have to wait and see if/when people get tired of voting for Sanjaya.
-
G
Agreed on the fake and bad and they won't change. I just would have come up with some sort of travel adventures around the state. Alaska is only one of the largest and most beautiful wilderness areas on the planet. Have them start a some sort of business like a summer gold mine operation and they try to learn how to do it and bring the viewer along for the basics. There are so many different Alaskan ways people make money. They sort of tried with the fake boat hauling business but that was pretty short lived. On the other hand ratings were way better then. Definitely quit acting like you are an expert on every subject on the planet. Plus actually delve deeper into a subject line. Winter is right here and we need food or we will starve! Birdy fake gets one deer and they seem to have that story line completed as apparently they are set for winter. Maybe try fake acting like you actually live in Alaska during the winter by being here when there is snow. It is kind of amazing that they lied for so long about living in Alaska year round but other than a few snow flakes in Chtina for an episode in year 1 no snow was ever seen on camera, let alone a solid white landscape. Basically in an very unpredictable industry like TV for a while they caught lightning in a bottle. No show goes on forever and eventually loses ratings and goes away. So maybe there is nothing they could have done. I just think they could have managed this way better and milked more time and money out of this. Shows like Gold Rush, Deadliest Catch and a few others have had long shelf lives. This show is nothing short of a complete miracle it still is on the air or has been for the last few years. I still read your recaps after all these years but am in disbelief at the end, that this is a TV show on a major American network being showed on a good night for TV. Amazing.
1
-
-
O
Ryan you maybe only one watching this show and that's because you have to. Good review that's as much of ABP I can take.
1
-
C
Ryan is one of a few, and he soldiers on, bravely, with his recaps.
I would add a few observations.
Where did the pregnant mare come from? Just one episode prior, Billy brought two horses to Shitstar Ranch for the daughters, neither of the horses was a pregnant mare.
When the Brownclowns were in Alaska, they pretended to support themselves with jobs- day labor of sorts for the boys, a fake hauling business with the Integrity. Matt even pretended to create a sawmill.
Now they make no effort to pretend to have jobs. Park Slop writers must have decided to give up.
Snaggletooth must have had to make three separate trips to town, to purchase three different clamps to use on the Billy goat. How did she do that on their treacherous mountain road? How did she pay for the clamps? Did she barter, and if so, what did she barter? (Actually, I don't want to know.)
Why has Ami's nose gotten so long? She doesn't lie - she just mumbles aphorisms or something.
How cold would it be to sleep in a Comex - metal, uninsulated? In the bitterly cold Washington winter?Will Bear build a bonfire inside the Comex?
Why do they keep saying they are in the bush? They are not, and everybody knows that.
Is Gabe becoming dumber, before our very eyes? Is that even possible?
Has Rain decided to become a boy??
If Noah gains even one more pound, will he explode like a birthday balloon?
Keep up the good work, Ryan. I know it is becoming more and more difficult to recap the madcap brown clowns.
2
-
G
The horse pregnancy was so bizarre. I didn't mention this in my recap, but the gestational period for horses is 11-12 months. So either A) The Browns are really stupid and didn't know they bought a very pregnant horse or B) This mare is not one of the two that Billy purchased for Birdy and Rainy. They borrowed a pregnant horse and filmed the birth.
1
-
G
I am quite surpised Billy didn't tell us he had been a horse vet for the last 30 year. We already know he has been living in the bush for 30 years, a fisherman for 30 years, and an author of 70 books
1
-
-
O
I honestly think the show still gets the ratings it does because idiots like me watch it. Why do I watch it? Because I get to spend an hour laughing and ridiculing these douchbags. I think all of the male Brown’s need their own nutsack band to keep from polluting the gene pool.
-
P
Do you pickup all the JUNK they hall in when they leave to trash another state?
Watchlist Easy access to only the shows you care about — all in one simple place
Alerts Only important notifications — when a show is returning, when it becomes available to stream, and more.
Special Offers Exclusive products we release related to your favorite shows and streaming services