Which Brown Is Just the Worst? The Most Annoying ‘Alaskan Bush People’ Stars Ranked
Some find Joshua ‘Bam Bam’ to be arrogant, condescending and a total wet blanket with his insistence that his siblings ‘Respect the Danger.’ Still, he’s the only Brown with enough damn sense to survive on his own when this show gets axed, so that makes him the least The Worst on our list.
Though in her early 20s, Birdy possesses all the wit and charm of a 9-year-old. She prefers the company of animals, claiming to be fluent in the language of cats, cows and peafowl. She is not beneath putting a bell around her neck and trudging on all fours through a cow pen. We find that oddly endearing, so Birdy is far from being The Worst.
Before her lung cancer diagnosis, Mother Ami spent most of her onscreen time obsessing about grandbabies. Though she insisted that her sons procreate, she creeped out every potential breeding partner. She brought forth abundant canned goods from her Magic Bowl, and she knitted fine garments from dog hair. She accomplished her lifelong dream of doing whatever her husband says, but she’s still not The Worst.
Brawny oaf Gabe earned points for staying mostly off-camera last season while aiding his mom in her time of need, getting facials at luxury hotels and skeezin’ around on the interwebs. As such, he inched himself closer to being The Worst, but other Browns are still much more The Worst.
Matt’s early failures were harmless and amusing: his failed Yoda hut, his failed plastic wrap house, his failed root cellar, his failed greenhouse, his failed etc. He’s since upped his game with failed rehab stints and failed attempts to blow himself up. Matt’s not The Worst, but that doesn’t mean he should stop trying…and failing.
Alas, poor Rainy. She was wrangled into her father’s dog and pony show at such a young age, and we feared for her future. But she’s turned out to be just as self-absorbed, entitled and narcissistic as every other typical American teenager. Rainy will be disappointed, but she is not The Worst.
Climb trees! Start fires! Punch fish! EXXXXTREME! Repeat ad nauseam. Bear is really, really bad. But he is not The Worst.
Ah, Noah, the Da Vinci of our time! Inventor of things that already exist. Builder of things that don’t work. Writer of bad poetry. Composer of bad music. Owner of a less-than-bitchin’ Camaro. We thought it was a mistake, too, but Noah is not The Worst. That honor goes to…
Billy, of course, is just The Worst. He’s the ringmaster of the whole circus. He’s a self-aggrandizing huckster, evangelist of some idealistic Bush Way that he doesn’t even follow. He’s a callous control freak, determined to keep his Discovery Channel gravy train rolling at all costs. He ripped off Alaskans, then played the victim. He’s got millions mesmerized by the Good Lord, the Bush, Faith and Family, and you know he’s laughing about how easy it was to pull off his greatest grift.
We are often asked questions like, “Which of the Alaskan Bush People has the most tolerable odor?” or “Which Brown would you most want to have performing your coronary bypass?” or “Why don’t they just eat the bears?”
But the most common question we’re asked is, “Which of the Browns is just The Worst?”
No longer will you wander in darkness, for we at TV Insider have the light.
See AlsoRevealed! TV Insider's Priceless Collection of 'Alaskan Bush People' Memes (PHOTOS)
We have prepared this exhaustively researched and authoritative gallery/listicle (gallisticle?) ranking of all nine members of the Brown family from the least The Worst to the most The Worst.
Since we’re not getting any new Alaskan Bush People episodes anytime soon, fill the emptiness by clicking through the entire gallery above, and repeat as needed. You’re welcome.
