Best Lines on TV This Week: 'It’s Like Going Through Puberty All Over Again, Just With Less Zits'
Our weekly round-up of best quips, quotes and quick bits of dialogue from the latest episodes.
"It’s like going through puberty all over again, just with less zits."
— Simon (Alberto Rosende) struggles with his body’s new changes as a vampire
Simon: "I thought me and Alaric were cool?"
Luke: "You were.
Simon: "And then I became Nerdferatu."
— Simon (Alberto Rosende) is still adjusting to his new lifestyle as a Downwordler vampire when he visits Luke’s (Isaiah Mustafa) wolf pack
Daredevil (Season 2)
Foggy: "You ever wake up in the morning... from the second you get out of bed, it's like... every molecule in your body hurts?"
Matt: "No, never."
Foggy: "I'm in agony, dude."
Matt: "What, did you go back to the gym?"
Foggy: "Hell, no. Do I look capable of making healthy life choices? I went out, Matthew. Went out dancing."
— Foggy's (Elden Henson) body pain probably doesn't compare to Matt's (Charlie Cox)
Foggy: "You know, Karen's been asking questions. The cuts, the scrapes, the bruises."
Matt: "What do you tell her?"
Foggy: "You have a drinking problem."
Matt: "That's horrible."
Foggy: "Well, it's more plausible than you put on a devil suit and beat the sh-t out of strangers."
— Foggy and Matt debate the merits of the latter's Daredevil-ry
Foggy: "And the police have no idea who's doing this?"
Blake Tower: "It's an ongoing investigation. But our intelligence people are close to completing a profile."
Foggy: "A profile?"
Blake: "Even got a code name."
Foggy: "Like what? 'Killdozer,' or 'Dumbass With a Gun'?
Blake: "Not quite. They're calling this one...The Punisher.'"
— The vicious vigilante's street name is finally said out loud by the Assistant District Attorney
Foggy: "You got face tattoos, friend. That's like telegraphing, 'I know what prison meatloaf tastes like.'"
Gang member: "You just better step back, now."
Foggy: "I'm not gonna ask if you know what happens when you get charged with assault. I got a hunch you got more mug shots than baby pictures back home."
Gang member: "Man, who are you?"
Foggy: "I'm the pro-bono suit you'll try to retain after you go down for this. Only not even my soft-hearted partner will take your case, or any other self-respecting attorney in Hell's Kitchen. Not because you're so badass, but because you're just that stupid. So I'm gonna do what attorneys do best and appeal to your selfish natures. Simply put, if you carve each other up now, in front of these witnesses, with cops right outside, you're screwed!"
Gang member: "I can't just walk away, man."
Foggy: "I'm not asking you to lose the oh-so-serious stink-eye. Just don't fight!"
— Foggy manages to outwit a gang member from shooting a rival gang member in a hospital
“You want your life to be like Hurt Locker, but nobody’s getting hurt by their locker.”
— Tina (Dan Mintz) easily describes the school nurse’s hopes and dreams
“They look sweet, but they’re full of farts. Just like the kids!”
— Linda (John Roberts) describes the restaurant’s noisy new stools
“As a counselor I’ve learned that screams can sometimes be a cry for help.”
— Counselor Frond (David Herman) shows he's learned a thing or two from overseeing kids
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Maggie: "I can't believe you know the ending to Crown of Kings."
Liza: "I can't believe he's talking about eating me, and my bosses are just laughing along like it's 1960."
Maggie: "See, it doesn't matter what decade you're in. The biggest moneymakers get to misbehave."
— Liza (Sutton Foster) and Maggie (Debi Mazar) realize having money can set values back a few years
Jake: "You probably won't believe this, but I was bullied in high school for being too handsome."
Terry: "I don't believe you."
Jake: "You're right. It was for setting my crotch on fire in shop class. Hurt like the dickens. Point is, haters gonna hate. Shake it off. Taylor Swift, always right."
— Jake (Andy Samberg) tries to convince Terry (Terry Crews) to be like Terry Swift
Gina: "I know that your spirit animal is a caterpillar that's been stepped on..."
Gina: "But mine is the mighty wolf. And if you want to beat an alpha, you have to be an alpha."
Charles: "Wrongo. If you're good enough at being a beta, then the alpha takes mercy on you and ends up giving you what you want."
— Gina (Chelsea Peretti) and Boyle (Joe Lo Truglio) debate the pros and cons of being an alpha and beta
“Santiago, Diaz...enough. This is not about who’s fastest. This is a bomb-dismantling class. We are police officers, not street urchins playing speed chess in the park. For shame.”
— Holt (André Braugher) loses patience with Santiago (Melissa Fumero) during a routine cop exercise
"Pretty fancy car for an elevator inspector. The Club International of Brighton Beach International Club? International and club are both in the name twice. Terry, this place sleazy."
— Jake and Terry follow a suspect to a so-called established night club
Adrien: "You think you can intimidate me?"
Adrien: "When I was undercover, Jimmy 'The Butcher' cut off my little toe with garden shears and made me eat it as a loyalty test. I've been through hell."
Gina: "Big deal. I worked an a sunglass kiosk at the mall for four years. So not only have I been through hell, I was assistant manager there."
— Gina and Adrien (Jason Mantzoukas) determine who's the true alpha
Quentin: "Oh, my God, it's her."
Penny: "It's a tiny chick in a beret."
[Martin Chatwin: "Slow down, Jane."]
Quentin: "That's Jane and Martin from the books."
— Penny (Arjun Gupta) invents the perfect word to describe Quentin (Jason Ralph) geeking out
Quentin: "Is it just me, or does it feel like we're being shown something, like how it was?"
Penny: "Yeah, the time slip."
Quentin: "You say that like, 'Yeah, a sunrise.'"
— Quentin realizes some things are not really common knowledge
Penny: "Martin was crying like a little bitch about Fillory not wanting him anymore, and Jane said hang tight and she'll find some way that Martin can go back to Fillory anytime he wanted."
Quentin: "Yeah, and there were, like, creatures or something. Questing Creature—if you catch one, they're forced to grant you a wish. There's seven of them. There's a dog, a rabbit—
Penny: "Stop! I'm literally becoming less cool with every word you speak."
— Penny's afraid Quentin's obsession with Fillory will rub off
"Life ain't fair. Why in the high, holy f--k should death be any different? Thinking that you can change anything—it's such an act of monumental ego. I mean, who the f--k do you think you really are?"
— Elliot (Hale Appleman) puts Alice (Olivia Taylor Dudley) in her place about playing God
— Sleepy Hollow (@SleepyHollowFOX) March 19, 2016
Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Fitz: "We’ve got Daisy and Lincoln with us."
Hunter: "Oh yeah. Good ol’ Shake and Bake."
— Hunter (Nick Blood) shares his apt nickname for his inhuman teammates
“No one would intentionally cut their hair like that…”
— Lincoln (Luke Mitchell) calls out General Talbot’s (Adrian Pasdar) mildly unflattering haircut
“Hey Michelin Man... Let’s finish this!”
— Lincoln (Luke Mitchell) bestows Creel (Brian Patrick Wade) with a new nickname
“Congratulations. You just narrowed it down to… Everyone.”
— Director Coulson (Clark Gregg) gets a little blunt with General Talbot (Adrian Pasdar)
“It’s nice to put serious faces to all your unpronounceable names.”
— General Talbot’s diplomacy skills don’t include tact
— Limitless (@LimitlessCBS) March 16, 2016
The Carmichael Show
“The key to a long-lasting relationship is: Don’t break up.”
— Joe (David Grier) offers his son Bobby () his best marriage tip
Cynthia: "Hey Siri! What’s the name of that movie where Denzel plays a drunk airline pilot?"
Maxine: "I don’t think that’s how—"
Siri: "Now playing Flight…"
— Siri helps Cynthia (Loretta Devine) to satisfy her fix for Denzel Washington
“Know what you’ve missed? Your mother, on Tinder. That woman goes through men like a speed eater downing hot dogs.”
— Lauren (Bailey De Young) fills Amy (Rita Volk) in on what she missed this summer
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And Then There Were None
“After 40 years in criminal law I’ve come face to face with the most depraved examples of mankind and felt no fear. But I quail in terror at the thought of young ladies brandishing hockey sticks. ”
— Judge Lawrence Wargrave (Charles Dance) informs the rest of his dinner party of one of his phobias
“She might look like the undead, but she can definitely cook.”
— Anthony Marston (Douglas Booth) offers the cook a backhanded compliment
“The killer is not out there. The killer is in here. The killer is one of us.”
— Judge Wargrave cheekily gives himself away as the killer and no one is the wiser
“Trust in God, but perhaps also we should lock our doors.”
— Self-righteous Emily Brent (Miranda Richardson) has some words advice before the remaining houseguests turn in for the night with a killer still on the loose
Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards 2016
“To all the parents out there, thank you for allowing me to be a role model for your children. I really, really do not take that for granted.”
— Zendaya gives a shout out to her fans’ parents after winning Favorite Female TV Star
Alex: "Rebound relationships, they can work."
Kara: "Name one."
Alex: "Kim and Kanye."
Kara: "I'm embarrassed you even know that."
— Kara (Melissa Benoist) finds Alex's (Chyler Leigh) knowledge of rebound relationships a bit questionable