‘Alaskan Bush People’: ‘Mountain Emergency’ (RECAP)
On the Alaskan Bush People episode “Mountain Emergency” (March 24), a medical emergency on the Wolfpack’s ranch forces the family to become more resourceful as they continue to build their dream on the mountain. Gabe’s hasty leap toward marriage has the family concerned.
“Mountain Emergency” is an incredibly dull episode that just regurgitates every tired Alaskan Bush People trope that we’ve seen countless times over nine-ish seasons. Pointless squabbling? Yep. Terrible Noah inventions? Oh, yeah. Fake house construction? Hell yeah. Billy Brown Syndrome? You betcha, dadgumit! Howling? Oh, Dear Lord, please make it stop.
Birdy and Rainy kick things off by debating the sex of one of their goats. They can’t tell the difference between goat udders and goat scrotum.
I’ll bet you didn’t have “Goat Scrotum” on your ABP recap bingo card.
It’s fall on Brown Star Ranch, but WINTER IS RIGHT THERE! There’s a nip in the air, but the interior of Noah’s meat locker is a comfortable 65 degrees. Noah and She Who Will Not Be Named are trying to insulate their tent, taping together a bunch of thermal “space blankets” to put over their bed. If that doesn’t work, they can always skin the cat.
Noah doesn’t want his newborn son living in a tent, so he wants to build a more permanent structure. Fortunately, there’s a more permanent structure already waiting for them in Las Animas County, Colorado. Noah doesn’t even have to pretend to build it.
Noah is the proud owner of a house in Las Animas County, Colorado. He bought it from Billy for $0. #AlaskanBushPeople https://t.co/bY1yWhHmgy pic.twitter.com/9bfMi7VSmK
— Ryan Berenz (@RyanBerenz) March 20, 2019
But for now, just enjoy this shot of Noah and She Who Will Not Be Named gazing longingly at the dump and dreaming about their future home in an abandoned semi-trailer.
I can’t believe how much screen time is eaten up by the Brown kids just pointing at places and saying they’re going to build their homes there. This episode mainly focuses on Birdy’s future house, which is going to be — wait for it — a birdhouse.
“I’m definitely gonna miss not living with Rain,” Birdy says, though she probably means the opposite of what she says. Fortunately, she has her cats.
Oh yes, you will be, Birdy. You will be.
Meanwhile, Billy and Mother Ami are hand-wringing over Gabe and Raquell’s nuptials, which are happening in one week. In this rare footage of Billy and Mother Ami not sitting on the couch, they say they wish Gabe and Raquell had taken some more time to find out “the worst part of each other and all that.”
Back on the couch, Mother Ami says she is fine with the short engagement, since she and Billy got married 10 months after they met. (Billy snatched Mother Ami away from her family when she was 15 years old.)
Mother Ami likes Raquell and believes she belongs with them on the mountain, unlike that Gorgon that Noah married.
Man, I know she’s been through a lot with the cancer and all, but Mother Ami is 55 years old. She looks at least 20 years older than her actual age.
Preparations are under way for the Gabe and Raquell’s wedding, which is going to be a lavish event with a wooden plank bench and an arch made out of branches and stuff. The reception will be catered by Louie’s Canned Meats of Oroville. Gabe asks Bear if he will be the best man. “I’m not 100 percent sure what the best man entails,” Bear says. It probably has something to do with the rings, and running around and setting stuff on fire and crap.
Will Bear be the next to get married? He doesn’t think so. He hasn’t been hit repeatedly in the head with the “Love Hammer” yet. Love Hammer sounds like something wildly inappropriate.
Noah is busy in his laboratory “using his gift of ingenuity” to “kick-start the build of his future home” by building a “bush brush whacker.” Or, more accurately, Noah mutilated a perfectly good Dewalt cordless circular saw and morphed it into an impractical, unwieldy, unnecessary and outrageously unsafe tool. Noah’s entire repertoire of innovation is just taking things and sticking them on armbands. Seriously, look at this thing. Look at that blade! There’s not even a protective guard on it. Someone’s gonna die!
Bear has awful ideas of his own. He wants to build a castle out of metal shipping containers that are standing on their ends. He then makes a model (not to scale) out of rocks to show us what that looks like. Very nice, Bear. Now why don’t you sit down and join the rest of the class for story time?
Bear wants his container castle to have a a disco ball and carpeted walls (to muffle the screams). Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
“I want to watch Birdy and Bam go antiquing!” said No One Ever. Birdy’s been really crusty toward Bam lately, but now she has to suck it up and beg Bam to drive her into town. She wants to go shopping for some building materials. Bam should tell her to go pound sand, but he’s nice and agrees to help her out.
Bam soon regrets that decision, as Birdy spends the entire time buying old windows, stuffed animals and a picture that we can’t even see because Discovery blurs out that stuff. I’m just going to guess and say that it’s a picture of former CIA counterintelligence chief James Jesus Angleton riding a narwhal. Change my mind.
Birdy and Bam then bicker about the best way to transport the windows home without breaking them. It’s just awful to watch, and I feel like:
Enter Noah and his Bush Brush Whacker, with which he will whack Bush Brush and perhaps a limb or two.
The brush whackin’ comes to a halt when She Who Will Not Be Named spots a dead rodent stuck in a tree. Either a bird of prey dropped its dinner or the production crew has been hazing a newbie with dead mouse duty.
She Who Will Not Be Named wants to bury it. Noah has other plans.
In many cultures, the appearance of the Dead Frozen Tree Mouse is a bad omen…
There is a commotion in Billy and Mother Ami’s trailer. Everyone is roused. Even the camera crew, which usually does not just hang around at night waiting for something bad to befall Billy, heeded the Dead Frozen Tree Mouse prophecy and happened to be there right when things went down.
“Please. Please, no cameras,” Gabe implores. OK, maybe just one or two cameras, but definitely no more than that!
The Black Screen of Fake Doom informs us of the situation.
Billy tried to exit the camper? As if! That couch and his body have a symbiotic relationship.
Mother Ami wants Billy taken to the hospital, and Billy is finally in agreeance [sic].
Unlike past episodes of Billy Brown Syndrome, we actually get to see Billy in a real hospital room. So he’s not just trying to get out of work this time. I suppose he no longer needs a reason to get out of work.
You’ll notice that Noah and She Who Will Not Be Named are not allowed in Billy’s room. Everyone thought it would be bad for Billy to see his pigheaded son and she-beast daughter-in-law. They must do their fretting in the hallway.
Billy infuses his latest health crisis with a thousand times more drama than Mother Ami ever did with her Stage 3B cancer. If Bear is to be believed, Billy has a severe case of pneumonia. It is good that he sought medical attention. We don’t want to lose Billy to pneumonia the way we lost Jim Henson, James Brown, Bernie Mac and 19th-century Hungarian composer Franz Liszt.
Then Billy starts in with B.S. that he was in surgery for seven hours.
Seven hours of surgery? For pneumonia? What the hell kind of doctor did he see?
And what kind of doctor measures liquid in pounds?
According to the Bureau of Bush Weights and Measures, fluids should be measured in Dr. Pepper can units.
Billy’s biggest concern doesn’t seem to be his health, but the fact that two doctors say he shouldn’t go back to his lifelong dream mountain ranch at 4,000 feet elevation. It’s not like the Browns are living on the summit of Everest. I don’t think it’s elevation that threatens Billy’s health. It’s the Marlboros.
Even in his fragile state, Billy still has enough vigor to tell other people to work. He’ll be just fine and back on his couch in no time.
So their dad is sick, which means that the kids have to…just do what they normally would do.
Gabe decides his wedding will have to be postponed. It’s OK. The caterer’s canned meat will keep for another few years.
They burn off the rest of this episode with scenes of construction on Birdy’s house. Birdy enlists Bear to climb a tree with a chainsaw and lop off a bunch of branches. Birdy and Gabe stand under the tree in case Bear drops the chainsaw and someone needs to catch it.
Then Gabe fails miserably at pounding nails — perhaps he needs the Love Hammer — and that’s all the bad fake construction I can tolerate for one episode.
By the way, where’s all this lumber coming from? The Browns used to waste entire episodes trying to acquire lumber or mill their own boards. Now lumber just materializes wherever and whenever the Browns need it. The Good Lord works in mysterious ways. He’s got to pick up Billy’s slack.
Noah’s raised the bar on his utter disregard for his own safety and attached a chainsaw to — surprise! — an arm band. He also slapped together protective gear out of some football shoulder pads.
Well, if he saws off his arm, at least it will be for a noble cause: Building a house he doesn’t need for a garbage reality show we should all just agree to stop watching.
Next week is the season finale. Yes, already! Sorry to disappoint you, but there’s going to be another season. At this moment, the production crew is hard at work bringing us the informative and inspirational story of the Brown family.
And now it’s time for this week’s episode of “That’s Matt!,” in which we take a social media look at Matt’s sober adventures in California.
Matt really enjoyed the 2016 comedy Mr. Right, starring Sam Rockwell and Anna Kendrick.
“A feel good love story! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️” – Matt Brown, Alaskan Bush People
Join us next week for another installment of “That’s Matt!”
Alaskan Bush People, Sundays, 10/9c, Discovery Channel
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O
The only illness Billy has is a terminal case of Lieabetes.
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G
LOL, you got that right!
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B
I also stopped watching but come for the recaps.
I like how the photo shows nails from an air gun nailer. They had to borrow a few from the construction crew to pretend to hand nail them. That is all I got, just like the show writers I am not trying that hard anymore.
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That is good. I didn't even notice that, and I am in construction. Good catch!
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P
Goat scrotum, enough said.
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When I read "Noah is busy in his laboratory," I HAD to pronounce it like Dexter's Laboratory (la-bor-a-tory for those who don't know 😂)
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O
I missed this episode didn’t even record it and will miss next weeks to. I’m just going to read the review. Maybe get a laugh or two out of the review but I’m done watching these idiots pretend to live off the land.
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G
I recorded the episode but I doubted before it ever came on I was going to watch it. So I read your recap and right at the beginning you start with...
"Mountain Emergency" is an incredibly dull episode that just regurgitates every tired Alaskan Bush People trope that we've seen countless times over nine-ish seasons.
Yea, that didn't exactly sell me on it. So I just went to the DVR and deleted the episode unwatched and all future episodes to be recorded. I'm done. It was painful to watch and you do an excellent job of summarizing. No need to tune in. I thought this was supposed to be 6 episodes this season and we are on episode 4. So if next week is the finale then they cut it at 5? This show is about as memorizing as watching grass grow or paint drying. Blah!
I saw somewhere also they were filming a new season. The only way this show stays on is it cost nothing to produce, so it stays profitable. Otherwise the ratings are falling pretty low with an 18-49 of .3. Basically it seems like their remaining core audience is old people. Not exactly and advertisers dream. I even just checked out their Facebook fan page and it was so down on comments and shares then it used to be. Plus I bet 3/4 of the posts were people ripping on it with just a few fans saying the tired old "if you don't like it don't watch it". This wasn't the Exposed page, but their fan page. On a side not the Exposed page was kind of sad also. I saw the post of the Colorado cabin being given to Noah and my first reaction wasn't something like.. I knew it! It was actually... who cares, and that is kind of creepy stalking their personal lives to the point you are saying where they live. Back in the very early seasons it was kind of fun to see all the flaws and to uncover the real story. Everybody knows it is a complete fabrication at this point. Now it is like they fake live in Washington. Washington, so what. Even if they didn't lie and really lived in central Washington... Yawn. The "seasons" are now what... mini series at best with 5-6 episodes? It isn't like they are cranking out 22 episode real seasons like actual television shows. I have been so wrong about the death of this television show before but I will go as high as 50% that after the season finale this show never has a new episode on again. Even if they film a new season I could see them killing it or putting it on for one last Hurrah on their Discovery Go app or something. Beyond the ratings this show has to tarnish the Discovery image more than getting .3 rating and falling is worth. This show is either dead, or has severe Billy Brown syndrome.
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The folks at ABP Exposed have been incredibly good to me, so I won’t knock them for the scoop on Noah’s house. I think they were tipped off on that one and just pursued the lead. We don’t need any more evidence that the show is a sham, but there are plenty of people who still buy this crap 100%.
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G
I just mentioned the Colorado house because what is the point? This isn't the big they don't live in Alaska debate anymore. At this point if it isn't Alaska, who cares where they live down south. Showing pictures of their house... not sure that is necessary to make fun of a fake crappy show. The latest post on what permits were pulled to build what, and what taxes have been paid or not? Again for me... not necessary and pretty much stalking them. They signed up for public life and I am not a fan of the Browns by any sense. But we are way past Ah Ha moments. I am not even sure plenty of people believe this anymore. They are drawing in 1.8 million viewers and seems like a number of them know its fake but just enjoy the show (for who knows what reason). Heck, I watched the first three episodes this season and trust me that stink isn't washing off easily. Like we have said many times, if you still believe in this crap at this point even Billy Brown couldn't convince them it is fake if he sat in their living room and told them. Obviously I am way over this whole thing at this point and pretty fatigued by it all. Like a broken record I have said many times they have committed the worst sin of all in television... it is just flat boring. It was so much more fun when controversy was going on and it was train wreck bad to the point of hilarity. Now it is like set the alarm clock and wake me up in a hour. I didn't even realize till last week that I went from point out all of the editing screw ups and story line mistakes back in the day, to just snarkily ripping them in a smart as way now.
Now on a more upbeat and fun note I was checking the ABP ratings today (which I do find interesting), and leading the news was many different articles pointing out how they have lost half of their audience from last year and Billy is quite worried (they fell from #1 on cable Sunday nights to 14th... ouch!). He is said to be trying to pull out all of the stops to stop the decline and try to save the show. That included bringing in wives, girlfriends and babies. So that makes sense why Rhain and Raquel are in front of the screen now. Also there were many thoughts that Ami's cancer battle helped ratings. That and with no Alaska involved nobody really cared about life in Washington. The timing I thought was weird as the season premier was a month ago and this is just news?
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Avoid reading any news from Radar Online, PopCulture.com, Inquisitr and those other sites. They're full of crap, and then those sites just re-spread that crap.
I'm on vacation and trying to unplug from ABP, but I'll get back to you more on my thoughts about Colorado Casa de Noah.
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Agreed, those are all terrible sites. It was the same story but over many sites including those, so all with a grain of salt. It wasn't exactly reporting the moon landing and I can totally see Billy panicking so it didn't seem like too big of a stretch. I guess the part I found a bit amusing is I could 100% see Billy being surprised by the prospect of cancellation despite the product being so bad he might as well film with both middle fingers extended while wiping feces on the camera lens.
More importantly... enjoy your vacation! You deserve it.
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Thank you!!
The Noah's house thing is significant, and I think there's nothing particularly intrusive about finding and disseminating public information about public figures. Yes, it's further proof (like we needed any) that the show is a sham. But I'm really curious as to WHY Billy gave Noah the house. Is it a prize for fathering Gandbaby No. 1? Is it some form of payment for being on the show? Or is Billy trying to get rid of Noah and Noah's girl, and giving them a house is the best way to do it? Noah and Noah's girl reportedly aren't in Washington with the rest of the family filming the next season. Are they off the show (again)?
I don't blame you one bit for 86ing this whole show. I wish I could!
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G
Well it was reported quite a while ago that Billy get 500K per season and the kids get 40K. 40K is certainly not nothing and many families get by on less. But it isn't life changing, or get rich money. It seems to me like many of the kids are on and off again as to their wanting to do this show. Matt is gone but that is health related. Bam has kind of been in the forefront, takes a step back, then seems more involved again. Noah seemed to take a step back for a while and maybe he is doing it again. Rain seems like she would rather be anywhere but filming the show. Birdie and Bear always seem full bore. Billy is the single smartest man in America because he doesn't even get off the couch anymore to even pretend like he is involved in day to day life yet get a pretty decent paycheck. Gabe is always around but doesn't ever seem center stage but more of a co-star (hurts me to write star). He has a new wife who has two kids and it is reported she has a third on the way. So that takes real money to support a family unlike what Billy would portray that rotting salmon can get traded for anything. So I am sure Gabe is all in on the paychecks. Maybe the house to Noah is his parting gift from the show as maybe the Brown clan and Rhain really don't like each other off screen. They certainly didn't seem to associate with her on screen that is for sure. It isn't too hard to imagine some people not getting along with the Browns (the Skaflestad's are nodding their head).
I may have quit watching but I am here reading recaps and throwing my 2 cents in so I am not completely gone by any means. It is just one of those stories you have to see how it all ends. And we all know it never will and we will all be senior citizens dissecting season 47.
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Probably dodging taxes somehow, whether a legal loophole or not.
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Most suffer from "TDS" too !
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Me. Ryan Berenz, will you recap the 3-31-19 episode of ABP? Please.
I’m not certain if the ABP ”scripted reality” show is about to ”perform” their swan song or not, however, I have been awaiting your recap of the Sunday March 31, 2019 episode. Please don't let this southern girl down.
Your fan,
Donna
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Just for you, Donna, with much love: https://www.tvinsider.com/765287/alaskan-bush-people-midseason-finale-winter-is-here-recap/
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Just a couple of observations, Ryan.
When Bam hauled the windows up the mountain, he stopped and lectured Bird about how to strap on.
I suspect she has some experience already with a strap on.
Gabe's babe is huge, man! Bear could run laps around her and do his rolls without missing a beat. We're talking 400 pounds, I would bet! She could be a professional wrestler! They need a replacement for King Kong Bundy, who recently met his Maker.
Billy Brown and Ami are both COPD sufferers, and the pneumonia will do them in. You kids out there listen ! When you smoke cigarettes, the cilia - tiny little hairs in the ungs, get immobilized. They can't move crud out of the lungs, creating a perfect environment for pneumonia.,
Finally, Noah said the dumbest thing ever, in the life of the series.
He pompously (of course) declared that 'if we can't live on the mountain during thiswinter, we don't deserve the mountain.'
(I refuse to comment on his idiotic outfit Adumbass inventiion for self-laceration/amputation. It was even more ridiculous than Bear's brush cutters attached to his sleeves, up at Browntown.
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When they were discussing an issue with moving the trailer down the mountain Bear said "We'll burn that bridge when we come to it."
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B
Oh, yeah. Like writing a recap of “Mountain Emergency” took real guts. Let me tell you pal what took real guts......it was watching the 11 minute episode of “Countdown to Baby 👶 Elijah”. I won’t tell you who made nice, nice to Rhain, what Grandma Ami made for baby Elijah or even if there was a crowning as shown by one of Discumery’s 122 cameras available for the birth.
Just remember where the real guts are out here in the desert 🌵. You go back to your lounger while us real men bite the heads of a rattler or two.
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Oh, man. That Countdown thing might have to be a bonus recap! The desert beckons me. 🌵🐍🦂🦎
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B
So as to not embarrass me in particular and your family in general please adhere to these codes of the west:
1. Do not buy any turquoise.
2. Do not buy any blue, ostrich skin cowboy boots. Matter of thinking do not buy anything ostrich or anything made from a rattle snake. Do not buy a scorpion encased in plastic
3. Do not allow your wife to buy any cinco de Mayo outfit.
4. Do not order any beer you cannot pronounce. Better yet just order a “beer”. Never order a pfu pfu drink with umbrellas.
5. If pulled over by the cops, blindside him/her with a right uppercut and when they have finished beating the s*** out of you, ask them “if that is all they got”.
6. Do not go outside with a black light to find scorpions, tarantulas or Gila monsters. You can find all you need by simply turning down the sheets on your bed.
7. Do not ask your hotelier if any on the Browns have ever stayed there.
8. Do not even try to pronounce the Mogollon Rim.
9. Do not ask where the closest Indian reservation is located. By all chances you are standing on a reservation or at least three feet from standing on a reservation.
10. Do not go less than a 110 mph in the slow lane on any freeway.
11. Remember should you need electric shock treatment, be ready to have a scorpion inserted into each ear and pray that that they let you have it at the same time.
12. If bitten by a rattler, think back how you siphoned gas out of your parents car. Same thing. Cut a hole over snake bite and insert garden hose and let it drain.
Finally, enjoy.
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I am in Sedona for a three-day stay in a sweat lodge, followed by a peyote trip through the desert with some hitchhiking hippies.
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B
Now you are talking like a Zonie.......except for the sweat 😓 lodge thingy and going to Sedona in snow bird season.
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G
I know. But it is freakin' beautiful here.
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B
Well, bring plenty of water for both parts of that.
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O
Did anyone notice that Noah was using an electric chainsaw?
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