‘Alaskan Bush People’ Season Finale: ‘A New Beginning’ (RECAP)
In the Alaskan Bush People season finale episode “A New Beginning” (September 30), the Wolf Pack braces for a looming wildfire that threatens completion of the barn. Noah walks down the aisle to become the first married Brown.
Now that wasn’t so bad, was it?
It was particularly cruel of Discovery Channel to cram a 10-episode ABP season (it was 11 total hours of “new” content) into a six-week span. The human mind cannot handle that much inanity in such a short time. Sunday’s season finale craptacular consisted of a behind-the-scenes “Chasing the Wolfpack” special that I will recap later, followed by an exhausting two hours of “A New Beginning,” which I recap here and now.
We open with Gabe, Matt and Birdy playing horseshoes with a large, rusted bracket. I’m interested in wagering on the outcome of this competition, so I consulted Vegas oddsmakers to see what the current point spread was. The favorite is Matt +9, but I’m kinda liking Birdy to pull the upset vs. the spread here. Whatcha think, Billy?
Gabe wins in a rout, and I’m down $5 Large. Thanks for nothing, Billy. At least I made a little back on my who-will-get-tetanus prop bet.
While Billy, Mother Ami and Bear are road-tripping to California for Mother Ami’s cancer checkup, those left behind at Brown Star Ranch continue to build Billy’s Colossal Barn of Dreams. Progress is being made, mostly because they’ve shed the dead weight of Matt, who injured his ankle/knee/foot/leg in the previous episode. If Matt requires surgery, Gabe can perform the operation.
Gabe’s dextrous use of the chainsaw will come in handy when another Brown needs a gallbladder removed.
While on the disabled list, Matt is physically and mentally breaking down. He says his “brain is literally cooking.”
Any questions? I have many, but now is not the time. Matt wants to find relief from the oppressive heat, so he comes up with the idea of constructing an air-conditioned “spacesuit” out of a tarp, a flexible exhaust vent pipe, a window A/C unit and a gas-powered generator.
But first, Matt and his chicken associate must break for lunch, which is chili from an unlabeled can that appears to have been opened by stabbing the lid with a knife.
I do not know what chili does to the digestive tract of a chicken, but I’m hoping Matt gets to find out in the grossest of ways. There’s nothing I like more on a hot day than eating a chicken’s leftover chili straight a mangled can with a sharp knife you made from a piece of scrap metal and a roll of duct tape. Inform the good people at Hormel.
The chicken seems a little agitated after lunch. Probably just the beans kicking in.
Mmmmm. Chicken jerky. Perhaps it’s time to build a Bush Food Dehydrator.
I think we’re ALL going to need a bath after watching this, Matt. Sadly, I can never fully cleanse myself from the stench of this show, no matter how hard I scrub.
Matt finally gets around to business building his A/C suit, taking special precautions so the suit “does not concentrate the sun’s rays and kill me, which is not what I’m going for.”
I think Matt might be on to something here. I could see there being a market for free-range chickens raised on a diet of canned chili. With its natural spiciness, it would make for an outstanding chili con pollo recipe for your next tailgate party.
Matt is pleased with his A/C suit. The only drawback is that he has to pull that compressor/generator cart around with him wherever he goes. And I guess that window A/C unit, which cranks out enough BTUs to cool an average-sized room, would make the suit tolerable for only about five minutes at a time. Another impractical piece of Bushcraft that the producers stole from someone on the internet.
Back at the barn, Bam invokes the ancient wisdom of Huey Lewis and the News.
A thunderstorm approaches Brown Star Ranch, which threatens to derail construction of Billy’s Dream Barn and jeopardizes the future of the Brown family forever. Curiously, Bam is not too acquainted with lightning, which he claims to have seen only twice in his 30-plus years of living deep within the unforgiving frontiers of the Alaskan wilderness.
I’d like to inform Bam that lightning is a potent weapon unleashed by the gods as vengeance upon residents of the Lower 48. Its power can be harnessed by climbing up a tall tree and holding a 9-iron high into the air. I strongly suggest choosing Bear to perform this task.
Construction on the barn colossus grinds to a halt. Family’s future threatened forever again, etc. Wildfires in the area are creating Fake Urgency for the Browns, as extremely dry conditions might result in a ban on the use of chainsaws and other power tools that could take effect at any moment. They need to complete as much as they can before the government comes to confiscate their cordless drills.
Meanwhile, Matt tries to stave off boredom by visiting Noah’s tent during normal business hours.
Noah has been hard at work making fire alarms/musical instruments out of PVC pipe. Matt enjoys Noah’s music and claps, apparently because he is a toddler.
Noah wants to show Matt this really cool picture of a firetruck that he drew in art class. It has a “fire hose turent [sic] made from PVC” and everything!
Hey, wouldn’t it be fun if Noah and Matt went to the dump and tried to find some parts to build their very own firetruck to put out a forest fire? No? Screw you! They’re doing it anyway!
Noah and Matt pay a visit to George’s dump. George seems like a nice guy who has no idea what he’s getting into with this show. They ask George if he has any mechanical water pumps lying around. George says that he had two, but they burned up in a fire a few years ago. George appreciates the humor in that.
George takes Matt and Noah out into his land, which includes the remnants of a structure that was destroyed by a wildfire. Among the relics in George’s junkyard is what definitely looks like a Chevrolet Chevette.
[DIGRESSION! The Chevy Chevette is considered one of the worst cars ever built. My father owned an early-’80s model Chevette, which was the replacement for a mid-’70s Chevy Vega, also one of the worst cars ever built. In 1990, I learned to drive in our Chevette. It was not the kind of car you’d want to pick up a date in, but sometimes I had no choice. I did enjoy being able to get a half-tank of gas for about $6, and my dad eventually upgraded the radio from AM to AM/FM, so that was kind of nice. Maybe it’s just rosy retrospection, but I’d totally love to have that Chevette back.]
Things take a really dark turn when Matt recalls the fire that destroyed the Browns’ home in Haines, Alaska, when he was a kid.
Woah. Heavy. Apparently the dog, named Trouble, was tied up and couldn’t escape the fire. If it did happen as Billy and Matt say, then I can imagine how that would be a horrendously traumatic experience for the Brown kids. But I’m also trying to figure out how a dog tied up outside the house couldn’t have been rescued. And if the dog was tied up inside the house for some reason, how could they have watched it burn up? This is what happens when you lie to people. They’re skeptical even when you tell them your kids watched their dog get consumed by fire.
The dog story, of course, is intended to generate sympathy for Matt and maybe put another piece of his puzzle into place.
Elsewhere, Gabe, Rainy and Birdy are preparing for Mother Ami’s return. They go out into the woods for the time-honored Brown family tradition of picking flower petals, mixing them with sugar, and then eating them. For the Browns, Birdy in particular, sugar is three of the four food groups. It goes on scrambled eggs and is the primary ingredient in sugar sandwiches.
Of course, when bread is not readily available, the sugar can be dissolved in water and consumed as a beverage.
Diabetes never tasted so good!
Bear, Mother Ami and Billy return from the doctor’s office, which is way the hell out in California, because there are no doctors to be found any closer than that. Seriously, I wonder how long the Browns will be able to keep driving to California every three months to visit the doctor.
Everyone wants to know the results of Mother Ami’s test, which Billy eventually gets around to telling us…
Right after these messages.
So grateful to all our fans for your love and support.
If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse or mental health, call 1-800-662-HELP to speak to someone confidentially. pic.twitter.com/WxZ4RBYZDE
— Alaskan Bush People (@AlaskanBushPPL) September 29, 2018
Excellent news: Mother Ami’s cancer has not grown. It remains too small to even take a biopsy of it. Notice they didn’t say “gone” or “cancer-free” this time, but the news is still very good. She’s even growing her hair back!
Billy is very pleased with the progress on his Dream Barn, to which he’s contributed nothing. OK, the only thing Billy did contribute was taking Bear away from the construction site. Addition by subtraction. Now Bear is back, and he’s eager to add some of his EXXXXTREMENESS expertise.
How would you like to work with a guy whose only skill is EXXXXTREMENESS? I mean, imagine your boss one day says, “Hey, everyone. I’d like you to meet our new employee, Bear, who will be helping us out with EXXXXTREMENESS.” And then he just runs around your workplace like coked-up baboon, throwing all your TPS reports into a campfire he’s started in the conference room.
Gabe and Birdy need a break from the heat, so they decide to take a dip down yonder at the swimmin’ hole. Then they challenge each other to a 10-meter Bushstroke race across the pond. The loser has to eat a bug of the winner’s choice. (Are there dung beetles in Washington?)
In Washington, there’s even a species of leech that lives on land, dwelling in teepees and sucking the intelligence from anyone who comes into contact with it.
I figure Birdy is due for a win. She seems to be in better physical shape than tubby Gabe, so I put down $3,000 on Birdy to win straight-up.
Sonofa…COME ON, BIRDY! How do you lose to this guy? He gets winded after swimming like 30 feet! GAH! I hope Gabe makes you eat a big-ass spider.
Birdy gets off easy, though. Gabe finds a small green worm, and he even roasts it over the fire before she eats it. Birdy’s never eaten this kind of bug. She usually just eats crickets, and occasionally dog food, though she’s quick to point out that dog food is not a bug.
Birdy eats the worm, and she kind of likes it. She’d definitely eat it again, and in greater quantities. [DIGRESSION! I ate crickets for the first time last week. They were fine, I guess. There’s not much to them. They’re like Funyuns that once chirped. I don’t know if I could see myself getting a bag of roasted, salted crickets at a baseball game. I also disliked finding cricket legs stuck in my teeth hours later.]
Noah is hard at work building the Bush firetruck, but Matt’s not doing so well. He should take a sick day.
Matt returns to work with his arm in a sling.
Nerve damage? Wha? Even Noah is confused. Matt claims he has nerve damage in his arm from an injury to his “Franken finger,” and I’m wondering which Bush neurologist in his family gave him that diagnosis. Matt has a good arm, so Noah lets him spray paint the firetruck’s water tank.
Eventually, Matt doesn’t show up to work at all, and Noah has to finish the project. After installing some flashing lights repurposed from an ambulance, Noah fires up the pump and gives the firetruck a test run.
Say, that’s a mighty powerful stream you got there, Noah! I can’t wait to see you extinguish a raging inferno with that! Maybe holding your finger over the nozzle will increase the water pressure.
Yeah, just hold it like that. Or maybe you guys should just try to pee the fire out instead.
Things are going to hell at Billy’s Barn of Dreams. The Browns are trying to attach sheets of corrugated tin to the roof without decapitating someone. Rainy’s afraid of heights, she has a panic attack and needs Gabe to “coddle” her. Bear displays his EXXXXTREME uselessness when he manages to “break” or “rip” something open on his body.
But before Gabe can fire up the chainsaw to repair the damage, Bear is perfectly fine. It’s amazing how quickly injuries heal when they’re fake. Rainy’s psychological wounds, however, cannot be so easily healed. The first step in the curative process is coming to terms with just how much dust is on her butt.
Matt’s problems are more serious than a dirty backside, however. He retreats into the wilderness, searching for a place to settle his mind. He brings with him an old friend, plastic wrap, to help make a solitary spot for quiet meditation. Here, snug in the comforting bosom of plastic wrap, Matt will make a fresh start.
Nah, forget that. Matt’s going back to rehab.
Just like the first time Matt went to rehab, I wish him well in overcoming what afflicts him. Addiction and mental health problems need to be treated like Mother Ami’s cancer. Unlike last time, I hope Matt will take his treatment more seriously and won’t be taking photos with fans in Las Vegas two weeks after entering a program.
Matt had problems before Alaskan Bush People aired, but I’m sure being bound to his father’s TV circus sideshow hasn’t helped him. He’s in his late 30s, but his parents still treat him like a child. I hope Matt finally breaks free from this cycle and finds something real and meaningful in life.
A few episodes ago, Billy was just tickled to death proud of Matt. Now he’s talking about how something inside Matt snapped and blew. Billy’s so badly out of touch with his own family.
But his kids’ welfare doesn’t matter all that much to him, so long as his Colossal Dream Barn gets built. Does he realize what a self-important asshat he is? Is he really a garbage human or does he just play one on TV?
What a slovenly, insensitive, narcissistic sack of excrement this guy is.
Yeah, you’ve raised the model family, Billy. Glad you got a second shot at fatherhood after abandoning your daughters from your previous marriage. You’ve succeeded in raising a brood of maladjusted clods who possess no real skills or education and are completely dependent on you and whatever Park Slope pays you.
And he’d totally deserve it, too. Someone should toss him and his whole family off a dock in Hoonah.
Jackass. Let’s move on to something more pleasant. How about a stinky foot contest? It’s Gabe vs. Rainy vs. Birdy in a battle royale of malodorousness! Birdy is a lock to win this! I imagine her feet just reek to high heaven.
I’ve heard that Gabe’s stench game is strong, but I suspect he talks bigger than he smells.
Somehow, Rainy is declared the winner. THE FIX IS IN!!!
I’m just going to skip over the last few boring scenes of the Browns pretending to finish the barn. EVERYONE knows they didn’t actually build it themselves.
The next step is to fill Billy’s Dream Barn with lots of adorable animals!
Billy “brokered a deal” with a local farmer for some livestock, and the first shipment is a bunch of chicks and a few goats. The hell? Are the Browns building a ranch or a petting zoo here?
I pity these poor creatures. They’re part of Billy’s Grand Vision now. Their doom is sealed.
Whatever. I give the Browns two years before they totally destroy the place and move on.
Now for the moment we’ve all been waiting to laugh at! Noah finally marries that one woman who hasn’t been seen or talked about for the past two seasons. Here comes the bride, Rhain Alisha, doing some Lord of the Rings cosplay.
Rhain has been persona non grata among the Browns since she first arrived in Alaska and picked Noah, the lowest-hanging fruit, as her path to getting on TV. Billy knows a phony when he sees one, and he wouldn’t be fooled. He banished Rhain from the show, causing a great rift between Noah and the rest of the family that still exists today. Noah held out as long as he could, but he eventually blinked. Billy controls the purse strings.
Noah and Rhain getting married basically forced Billy’s hand. Billy had to put at least some of the wedding on the show or face a revolt from the superfans. So the wedding of Noah and Rhain gets a whole 10 minutes of screen time at the very end of the season.
Poor Noah. He really does seem to be in love, the blind fool. I might feel sorry for him if he weren’t such a pompous poseur.
I give Rhain credit. She saw the charade through, and she got back on TV, even if her only line was “We lost a cupcake!” She’s really put Billy in a bind, and I have to give her props for that.
Noah brought his katana along to wear as an accessory to his wedding attire. Where’s that lightning when you really need it?
The sword isn’t just for appearances. Noah put another sword by the guest book.
If anyone objected to their marriage, they would have to face Noah in a duel.
Right, mostly because no one wanted to see Noah do this again:
Noah saves the worst for last, unveiling the pièce de résistance of his cheesy romantic gestures: an anatomically correct heart tattoo that bears the name “Rhain.” And it beats, or more accurately, it jiggles.
The best thing I can say about this is we didn’t have to see Noah shirtless again.
Man, that was long and terrible. The only thing that could possibly make it worse is…
Yeah. That.
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Now I’m wondering if Billy burned his own home down killing the dog and Matt knows it. There’s no telling what Matt knows about Billy and maybe that’s why he’s so screwed up.
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It was probably just a fabrication to give Matt a childhood-trauma excuse for all his problems.
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Complete fabrication. First we were told on the show the government burned their cabin down to drive them away. After repeating the story many times when pressed with facts Billy backed off and said it wasn't the government, but the cabin burned. But then they could never come up with where and when a cabin ever burned. No different then in one breath they lived in very remote Alaska for 30 years with barely any contact with the outside world and in the next breath Billy wants you to buy his book about his 30 year fishing career that nobody in the fishing community ever saw. Even Billy can't keep track of the lies.
No cabin burned and no dog died.
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Ok, I did the completely unthinkable. I turned this show on and let it play in the background as I was doing office work Sunday night. I still don't know how or why it happened but it did.
So for a kind of compliment... it wasn't the worst episode of ABP, but that is a really really low bar. It had a huge tailwind though as it was the final episode of the season so some things actually happened. Exactly in the ABP playbook, barely anything happens episode after episode but then in the last hour of the season final the house, cabin or barn goes from barely started to completely finished and everything is wrapped up in a neat bow. Apparently it took a whole season to put some poles in the ground and some stud walls. Then in the last hour the framing is completed, the siding is put up, the roof is completed, the doors are put up and the gates and cages are built. The Browns can fake build so well in the last hour of the season finales.
Just some random thoughts in no order from somebody who hasn't watched ABP in a few years...
Birdies accent along with other in the family have always seemed weird and fake, but this episode her accent would come and go really noticeably (at least to me).
Wasn't buying the nearby fires even a bit. Most of the shots were clear skies and Washington really suffered from smoke this summer. I am surprised they didn't throw in the Indonesian earthquake and tsunami also. The brush clearing was pointless as that would have made zero difference moving a small pile of branches. The fire truck was also pointless. As Ryan pointed out there was probably more pressure peeing on the fire then that hose had. Loved Noah holding his finger over it for more pressure. Also those tanks (which I have a couple) you wouldn't paint. They are clear so you can see the level of the water. Sure was a nice even paint job considering I am sure they would have had to use spray cans.
The few animals they got couldn't sustain squirrels let alone a large family. A few goats and chickens... really? That is going to feed the Browns. Judging by a few of the family members missing meals doesn't seem to be a problem. I also noticed in the long shots of the barn that I saw very few grazing spots. Just amazing how the Browns seem to sustain themselves. Noah must have learned how to counterfeit money. Or they have resumed stealing money. I could go with either one.
The wedding crammed in at the end was head scratching to me. A lot of it wasn't even video but still shots. Personally I think they should have skipped even bringing it up. Noah lives in the country with his family and she isn't around at all, but then they all run to town to see him get married and then...? Myself, I thought even bringing up he was married was worse then just skipping the whole thing. Not like this show is known for telling the truth. And where is Bam's woman? And why does Bam speak about 10 words now and just sits there and watches other people talk? He is soooo done with this show. You can tell he doesn't want to be there. This is one of those shows that what goes on behind the scenes is probably 10 times more interesting then what happens on screen.
This was such a tiny little thing but it had me laughing and I rewound it like 175 times. Near the end during the wedding scene they dubbed Ami crying, or sobbing and it was such a horrendously bad job. It was out of sync with her and it was obviously not her. No idea why I found it so hilarious but I did. It was like a 3 year old was in charge or sound editing.
What is with the swimming in murky water, eating bugs and smelling peoples feet? Is this now Fear Factor or something?
Not sure what to say about Matt. I knew before I watched the show he went to rehab as it was in the news. So I knew completely where they were they were going with the whole he didn't feel good thing. At a certain point he should probably make some big changes and that probably includes not being on this show and dealing with your jackass overbearing father. Substance abuse isn't funny or entertaining. Nobody wants to watch that. Reminds me of a situation on one of my favorite shows... Survivor. Brandon Hantz was a contestant on the show a number of years ago one season and in the middle of it seemed to start losing it and seemed to be struggling mentally a bit with the whole thing. So of course they bring him back the next season and same thing happens but this time he has a complete meltdown in front of the world and has to quit. I was shocked and felt bad for him and saw no reason why they ever asked him back when you could tell he had problems. I feel the same with Matt. If things aren't good behind the scenes quit parading him out in front of the camera to act like a 3 year old for what you think is good for the show. At some point do whats right for the well being of your family and not worrying about $$. I am really amazed at what a complete self absorbed, lying and completely delusional person Billy comes across as.
Overall the show seems exactly the same to me as when I left. It is really bad, the whole thing is a big lie and it isn't bad in a fun train wreck kind of way. It's just a boring waste of time. In the early days it was fun to catch all of the editing mistakes. Feels like the entire show is a big editing mistake now. It is just a completely scripted show that is complete fiction. Obviously I am going back in hibernation as far as watching this.
On the other hand good for them for putting this show on the network. It still gets so-so rating and with their small production budget they are I am sure making good money on it. As long as 2 million people a week tune in then keep rolling out the episodes and cashing the checks. Economically that are completely doing the right thing. Now why two million people watch this...not sure on that.
Great recap once again Ryan.
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Ha! Nice observation on why you wouldn't want to paint the water tank. Matt needs a total break from ABP. He needs to get back to health in mind and body, and then leave this circus.
The wedding footage was not shot by Park Slope but by a videographer hired to shoot the ceremony, and that's why it looked so out of place.
Really, nothing's changed since Season 1. It's all just building Billy's Dream over and over. Next season, they'll build Billy's Dream House.
I don't know what they'll do with Rhain going forward. Billy's kind of stuck with her now.
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Good work, Ryan.
Allow me to add some observations.
Noah the hog was wearing spurs again. Spurs?
And his tattoo is on his jiggle-titty, so I guess that's weirdly appropriate.
He found the stuff for the embarrassingly juvenile 'fire truck' at the dump? A perfectly good Honda generator? A 50 gallon stock tank?i a pump? Perfectly good 2 inch hose?
Are Washingtonians idiots, throwing away perfectly good stuff?
Why would the 'fire truck' have to be painted red? Why a light and siren? They live on an isolated goddamned mountain. No one else is there.
Ami was never cancer-free. That was a lie.
Rain has talked openly about suffering from depression. Matt has it as well.
What is wrong with this family?
The goats require attention, a fenced in pasture to graze, the females have to be milked. Who will do that?
The baby chicks have to be in a warm environment, usually provided by heat lamps. They also require alot of water. Where is the magic windmill to help?
The construction crew did a good job building the barn, and the Park Slop camera crew did a good job shooting just enough to make it look like the fakers did it. Clever editing, I must say. And the interior of the barn was magically completed!
The wedding film was offered out of chronological sequence, because Park Slop doesn't really give a shit any more.
And, finally, as to the one hour special on the crew, it told me everything I need to know about Park Slop. Dull, dim wittted, desultory.
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All good points, Lakerman! The footage from Noah's wedding was not shot by Park Slope but by a videographer hired by the Browns, which is why it looks and sounds different. Depression runs in families. It's hereditary and should be treated as any other illness. Rain is 15, which is a rough age for anyone. If she believes she suffers from depression, I'd recommend she seek help from a professional and not look to her internet fans or garbage tabloid mags for support and therapy.
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Thank you for the review. I hope you get Hazardous Duty pay. Alcohol abuse cannot be Matt's only problem. There must be mental issues and something like Meth or some other drug involved. Bear is mentally handicapped. Noah is a pompous moron and too dumb to know it. Rain is getting kind of cute but that will change when her teeth fall out. The other sister makes me change the channel. The rest of them don't have enough IQ combined to equal Kiera Knightly's bra size. It is almost as if Bilky and Ami are relegated to the backstory now and I am OK with that. Less is more. As for the gold-diggers attaching themselves to the others, well at least they are getting laid, but they sure will have to pay for it later when the show ends and they bugger off and divorce those dopey schlubs. Season 9? Maybe a meteor will destroy Earth before that can happen. We can only hope.
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At one time years ago I watched this show at the time it aired. Nodays I record it and it takes me 3 or 4 days to get thru it. It’s so awful even worse than that. I almost deleted the finale about at the halfway point. I should have instead I had to watch the smelly foot contest. Not only is Matt going to rehab I might have to after this season. If it wasn’t for these great recaps I would stop watching but then I wouldn’t know what your talking about. Why does this show keep getting renewed!
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Wow! I'm posting with some legendary names. Just found out about this crew and have been catching up the last few days. Even went back to the Channel Guide days. I think those recaps began back in 2014. It's been hilarious.
The following slovos are from yours truly and are only for thee and thine.
Matt dragging his cart around for the air conditioned suit, busted ankles/knees/feet, wearing an arm sling, future chicken meal, return of the plastic wrap, and razor sharp lids. He's a bumbling imbecile. Love his work.
Work on the Barn at Stink Star Ranch that the Brown Stains are working on was slowed because of the lightning. In 10 years, when the lucious glory of Bam is fading in the middle, he could be a perfect candidate to play Reg, from the Great Outdoors, and isn't looking to get struck for the 6....6....6....66th time. Bam is necessary and plays an important role in such a family.
Family members Gabe and Birdy look out for IMMEDIATE DANGER from forest fires. yanRa's been fiddling for years with this joke about how sometimes everything needs to be done immediately for the Browns. It's always been ilariousha, but NO MENTION OF THE BLACK SCREEN OF FAKE DOOM!?! Gabe and Birdy are dedicated and loyal family members.
Bear. Fool. Laughing about how this monkey has been so EXXXXXXTREME. Would be able to harness that energy in productive ways.
Billy's an idiot. Tickled to death that Billy's Colossal Barn Dream Imporium Circus Show finally has the animals that would so soon die under the guidance and control of this famiglia. Hope Ami's not suffering. Cancer sucks. They have stuck together at least.
Noah. Please. His 4th grade drawing didn't look anything like Leonardo da Vinci's drawings done while blind folded, pissed, and spun around. His Bush snobbery is a total clue about how dull he really must be. On the outside looking at his corniness, I wonder how can you be a snob and be a Noah?
So much more. I'm a reader from now on.
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Jon, the Black Screen of Fake Doom was a regrettable error of omission on my part and you are correct to call me out on it. My brain was LITERALLY COOKING at that point in the recap. Welcome to our band of misfits! When I accepted the assignment of recapping ABP when it premiered in 2014, I had no idea it would take me on this journey. Thank you for joining us!
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I trust that your daggum brain has cooled since then and am glad for that. I figured it didn't seem right to mention the screen of doom. Putting it in after talking about the seriousness of Matt's addictions.
No doubt. Four years later. Hopefully for another four more.
I noticed that you cover sports too. I'll check those out.
Thank you for the welcoming.
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The reviews are in for ABP
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I think that sums things up nicely
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The long and torturous episode does make great fodder for a recap. I am thinking the kids are being tapped for ideas for the show. What other simpletons would come up with the stupid contests and then also participate in them? Matt was lucky to not get carbon monoxided? with his AC suit. If the whole fake building crap was nixed, and the show would focus on Brown's weird weddings/relationships and maybe some attempts at trying to become productive/normal, it could be mildly amusing (but no less torturous!) That was some scary looking wedding garb. And, Noah never disappoints...you can always count on him to make your skin crawl. I've likened watching the show to riding a really good rollercoaster. You know its going to be scary, possibly make you puke, but you ride it anyway. And, you do it again and again!
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I am just grateful they didn't do a hairiest ass contest. (Though Birdy would probably win that one.)
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Ryan, great recap as usual.
Out here in the desert 🌵 we have a popular saying;
Fool me once, shame on thee.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me thrice, and the remote is thrown at tv. 📺
I now have two flat screens with a remote sticking oddly out of the center of the tv 📺. Perhaps I shall ship them to the WMP and Noah with his Galileo knowledge can make an atom particle excellerator or a time machine.
I really don’t have much to add to this season. Between screw houses, stinky feet, swimming with the leeches, Rain becoming a woman with the cleavage shot (obviously thought out better by Pork Slop in that they went back and blurred the image and in the next episode she had on two turtle necks and a plaid jacket while everyone else was wearing t shirts), Matt and Ami battling their own personal life problems( and I wish them both a speedy and total recovery), Noah’s mosquito hat 🎩 and stupid fire 🔥 truck, Noah and Rhain getting married for the second time as they actually did the deed more than a year ago, there was however the building of the barn.
Did anyone notice that at no time was there a blueprint to be found. I am sure that Pork Slop who built the barn used blueprints but I would have been totally sold on the reality of this year’s show if one of the WBP had looked at a blueprint.
Two last things, my friend. If you hear the brown clowns 🤡 are in AZ and like last year think about sending me an email to go and track them down.......Don’t.
Secondly, you have put in a great year and deserve the rewards of your work. Go get a case of Belgium Red or Spotted Cow and with some good Gouda, sit back and relax. Then take the wife and kids for a couple of days enjoyment at the Dells paying particular attention to Noah’s Arc Waterslide.
Shoot, thirdly, it appears that Wisconsin is heading to the Fiesta Bowl. I always have tickets if so desired.
Well, pal, as I always say keep the shiney side up and I will catch ya on the flip side. Me, back to wandering and wondering with my friends in the desert 🌵 I.e., rattle snakes, scorpions, tarantulas and Gila Monsters.
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Love ya, Bob! You make this job much more fun than it has any right to be. Best wishes, man!
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Now that the show's ended and the Browns are going to scatter to Walmarts all over the country. What's going to happen to the barn? It seems too well built by the construction crew to just be abandoned or torn down for the lumber.
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"Craptacular" is right on Ryan! Are we, and you, the reason why Discovery keeps ABP going season after season after season? I'm beginning to think that with your support, and us as regular viewers who hate watch the show, gives DC the reason to keep Park Slop(e) in the production business spitting out ABP.
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Dude, I know. The conflict rages within my soul.
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I feel great shame. Sent to me via e-mail:
"The Bysh Peoplu
Why must you with so much vitriolic belittle and degrade such a wholesome, delightsome, pure and clean people. You can solve your own problems without trampling worthy people underfoot. I’m ashamed of you."
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Ha ha ha! Perfect pic. I've always thought the comments sticking up for the family are actually the family members. They write like the Browns talk. Could also be trolls winding us up. Is there a difference between trolls and gnomes?
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There are a surprising number of people who take great personal offense to someone making fun of a ridiculous TV show that they have emotionally invested in.
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AHHHHHH HAAAAAA!!!!!! There it is!!!! I was hoping to see your fine piece of graphic design from that comment! I forgot what original season recap that was from. One of my favorites.
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One of my earliest photoshops, from the Season 2 finale recap: https://www.channelguidemag.com/tv-news/2015/08/12/discovery-channel-alaskan-bush-people-recap-the-wild-year/
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Oh Man! That is good! I had another laugh after I clicked on the link to refresh my memory. I only rolled the scroller on top of the mouse down once and found a familiar boatface. Haaaaaaaaa!!!!! The bit about the Skiff's many journeys and thoughts being tugged behind the Brown Stains is so funny, Man. No doubt.
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One more thing. The sample of Noah's handwriting would suggest that he has his fabulous wife write comments with his name attached on social media.
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Ryan, I love your writing of this show. You get me laughing so hard that I get tears in my eyes. Almost dropped my iPad. Hopefully there is another season just so I can read your comments. Wooooooo !
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Thanks, Joe! I'm almost certain there will be another season. Don't drop the iPad!
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