Discovery Channel’s ‘Alaskan Bush People’: ‘All Falls Down’ (RECAP)
On the Alaskan Bush People episode “All Falls Down” (Feb. 8), the hopes for the wind turbine are threatened when Bear and Gabe make a miscalculation. Noah and Rhain reunite and move their relationship further along. Matt takes on a project to up Browntown’s ability to store food supplies.
It’s late fall at Brownton Abbey, but WINTER IS RIGHT THERE!
The season brings more bear activity, and the Browns are looking for deterrents that exceed their previous methods in both stupidity and ineffectiveness. Gabe and Matt develop nonlethal shotgun shells by stuffing the cartridges with raw bacon. “I have faith in bacon,” Matt says. In Bacon We Trust. So the Browns have gone from pouring grease into their firearms to using meat as ammunition. I’ve learned from many credible online news sources that shooting carnivorous wildlife with meat usually makes the animal go away and not want to come back to be shot at again with free, delicious meat. If you’ve been using outdoor survival tips from Alaskan Bush People, then you probably died two years ago. The real transgression here is not the absurdity of the idea, but the waste of perfectly good bacon.
“The Wolfpack is preparing for one of the most brutal winters in decades,” says Asa, Our Dear Narrator. They are preparing for this most brutal of winters by packing their suitcases and going to Las Vegas, South Carolina, New York City, the posh ski resorts of Colorado and some other less brutal, non-Bush places they’ve been spotted at since the fall.
Kenny managed to keep Sabrina alive while the Browns were on their two-week-long hauling-job odyssey. The tomatoes in the garden were not as fortunate, having succumbed to neglect and the frost. I suppose someone could’ve stayed behind to tend to Sabrina and the precious garden, but that would make too damn much sense to happen on this show. Why again did Matt build that plastic-wrap greenhouse?
RELATED: Channel Guide Magazine‘s AWESOME And EXXXXTREME Alaskan Bush People Archive
Billy doesn’t want a repeat of “The Dread Winter of ’95,” when the Browns were burning pieces of their house and the 70-some children’s books Billy authored to keep warm. At Brownton Abbey, the job of setting stuff ablaze belongs to Bear, who kindles both the flame that burns wood and the fire that brings light to the mind’s eye. “It starts with the fire. It ends with the fire,” says our Bush Confucius. “Browntown, essentially, is the fire.” And it was always burning since the world’s been turning.
With Bam vamoosing to have a Lower 48 sexytime, the Browns are without the only competent member of the family. And their P.O.W. trip down memory lane left them behind schedule on the winter prep, so now they have more Fake Urgency than ever before. Billy wants the wind turbine put at the top of the For Someone Else to Do List, and this will require Noah to stop dissecting things and daydreaming about dissecting things and give full attention to his father’s foolish projects. Noah would rather be hanging out with his woman, Rhain With an H. “You have to choose work or your woman, which is a shame,” Noah says. Ah, but if work is your woman, then…I don’t really know where I’m going with this. Noah rigs up a gantry to hold up the wind turbine for testing, giving us another of Noah’s grandiose delusions.
I’d like to see a supercut of all the times Noah has used the word “actually” throughout the series. I bet Discovery could do a whole special episode with those and call it “new” just to fill up your DVR with garbage. Noah’s overuse of the word is especially amusing given that there’s actually very little of anything “actual” depicted on this show.
Because there aren’t enough of Matt’s failures littering the landscape, Matt is going to build a “meat shed.” The shed stores deer carcasses and keeps them safe from bears. The meat from this shed will be cured and sliced into bacon, which will then be packed into shotgun shells and fired at bears.
Gabe and Bear are going off to kill a deer and lots of screen time. Bear knows a “secret” primo hunting spot, but it requires them to take the canoe “across the ocean,” over the river, through the woods, through seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, over hill, over dale, through Bush, through briar, over park, over pale, through the gates of Mordor, where they must cast the canoe into the fires of Mount Doom. Also, they must paddle the canoe with a shovel.
Hunting scenes are terrible. They’ve become as bad as Boat Malfunctions. The hunt scenes are shot and edited sloppily (ParkSloppily?) to create a total mess designed to draw your attention away from the fakery. If you pick apart the scene, you’ll see that the fallen tree log they aim for at a distance is not the same fallen tree log you see close up. And you can see the dead deer slumped over the fallen tree log in the frame before the gunshot is fired.
Yes, I realize that spotting editing mistakes on this show is like complaining about the temperature of the tea served on the Titanic. I guess my point is that Alaskan Bush People hunting scenes suck and are only good for giving Bear a reason to paint a skull on his face like a moron.
Back at Brownton Abbey, we’re forced to suffer through more of Noah. “I have never met a woman that I could imagine myself being with, and I want my family to meet her,” Noah says. I have never imagined a woman that would imagine herself being with Noah. Amazing how quickly he forgets all his moping and pining for Minnie from Ketchikan or Christie from Wherever. Noah wants to bring Rhain to Brownton Abbey so Ami can scare the bejeebers out of her. Noah asks Billy if he can take a break from work and give some time to his woman. The look on rain-sodden Billy’s face says it all…
But Billy agrees to let Noah bring Rhain over to be tortured. So Noah requests a Bush Uber and Rhain arrives there lickity-split! Noah is dressed up like he’s a member of the Alaskan Bush Village People. (Is he wearing spurs on his boots?) He shows Rhain his house.
I’m sure that Rhain can’t wait to raise grandbabies in there with Noah some day. Rhain asks why Matt built his house out of tires, and Noah explains that it’s because his Saran Wrap house burned down. This is false, as Matt abandoned his plastic wrap hut before it was crushed by branches that fell during a fake storm. Noah then brings Rhain to see his mother, who is pretending to knit something while there’s a pistol in front of her on the table. Ami possesses all the warmth and cordiality of a James Bond villain.
There’s something very off about Rhain. She emits a strong vibe of BS. She’s definitely not like the other aspiring actresses who’ve been paraded through Brownton Abbey in the past. Maybe Rhain’s an actress who grabbed for the lowest-hanging fruit on Earth. Maybe she’s an ABP superfan who’s off her meds. Maybe she’s really smart and cunning and wants to make a grab for the Browns’ cash before Discovery cuts off the supply. Maybe she’s a free-spirited millennial who’s watched too much Girls and thinks it’s fun to make terrible decisions. Um, who would really say something like this?
“This is kind of my Alaskan adventure,” Rhain tells Ami. Why didn’t Rhain just take a cruise ship like the rest of us? Of course, Ami brings up the discussion of children without using the word “grandbabies.” Ami then talks about how hard the Bush life was before they checked into Chateau Discovery.
Ami: “It will either accept you, or…”
Rhain: “Chew me up and spit me out?”
Ami: “Exactly.”
See this woman, Rhain? If you play your cards right, this could be you in 30 years. Why again is Noah afraid to bring girls to Brownton Abbey?
But enough of this terrifying silliness. It’s time to get back to pretending to prepare for winter. “In the reality of our world, winter’s coming,” Billy says. Winter’s also coming in the reality of Westeros.
Matt’s work on the meat shed is so dull, not even Matt can stand it. Since Matt quit drinkin’, he doesn’t have as many imaginary friends to talk to, so he had to make a real one out of a paper plate and a clothes hanger. This guy, Rob, also holds the light bulb, so he’s already doing more work than Billy.
Here’s a great tip for improving efficiency at your workplace, wherever it may be or whatever your profession. Do as Matt does and just sprinkle nails all over the ground at your worksite or office space. So when you say, “Oh, I need a nail,” you can then immediately say, “Well, there one is!”
Birdy and Rainy haven’t contributed enough nonsense to this episode, so we get to watch them make a cowbell for Sabrina. I don’t really think a cowbell is on the top of Billy’s winter prep priorities.
Fine. Make your stupid cowbell.
Birdy tests out the cowbell by putting it around her neck and getting on all fours. Well, at least there’s still hope for Rainy.
It’s time for Noah to get back to the work side of his work/woman balance. He enlists Bear and Gabe to help him get the wind turbine off the gantry and up onto its permanent pedestal. Gabe, he of the strong back and weak mind, tries to carry the whole apparatus by himself, which does not go well. “It’s an age old problem of inventors, creators, people with a vision,” whines Noah. “It’s always difficult finding good minions.”
After disconnecting the turbine from the gantry, Bear and Gabe carry the thing over to the tripod. They rig up some pulleys to hoist the turbine, and Noah says he has to go make some calculations or something, and that Bear and Gabe shouldn’t try hoisting the turbine without him. Bear does not care for all of Noah’s planning and precautions because those things are not EXXXXTREME. “If you worry about something before it happens, and then it happens, you’ve, like, experienced the bad thing twice!” Can’t argue with that! GIVE ‘ER HELL, BEAR! Bear climbs up the tripod and almost drops a pulley on Gabe’s head.
In addition to the constant rain, there’s also a “supertide” coming in that’s starting to flood the area around the tripod. Gabe and Bear decide to go for it and try hoisting the turbine up without Noah’s say-so. This also does not go well. The turbine crashes to the ground and the tripod collapses on top of it.
Billy and Noah arrive to assess the damage. Noah’s pissed that his minions didn’t follow his instructions. “It proves once and for all that people should listen to me!” he snipes. Noah will have to take the turbine apart to see if it still functions. His biggest concern is the saltwater from the supertide getting into the turbine’s innards. “We’ve worked a whole season on this,” a dejected Billy says. By “whole season,” don’t you mean that one afternoon a few episodes ago?
“With winter right here, I do have to second-guess myself that maybe the time and the efforts and the energy that we put on the turbine,” Billy says. “Maybe we should have been out doing all the chores to prepare for winter because it could put us in a real bind.”
Alaskan Bush People, Wednesdays, 9/8c, Discovery Channel
Conversation23 Comments
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G
THAT was hysterical!
The "garden" they have is pathetic! We have a garden that is much much bigger than that, and there is only 3 of us. It would never carry us thru a winter! So fake.
Bear should change his name to Extreme. Or Extreme WEIRDO.
Wow, what are they paying that chick to pose as Noah~ah's girlfriend. WTF is with his accent?
This show is freaking hilarious!
When they thought the cow was pregnant (or implied that), my first thought was Oh my! Gabe's gonna be a father!
That log machine was too funny. There is no way in hell that that thing would last thru 10 logs.
The only one I don't really mind to much is Matt. He's goofy, and does not pretend that he is smart. And he is so enthusiastic.
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O
Exactly correct! Matt honestly is the only one who is closest to genuine and his enthusiasm is appreciated. I understand he is elementary in every sense of the word but, sometimes the simplest things in life are the best and most unpretentious.
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C
Ha! Ha! Ryan, I was LOL at your description of the route Gabe and Bear took to "bag" that poor deer. We have a plethora of deer right here in the suburbs of a northern tier state. It would have been faster for them to fly here, get a deer, and fly it back to Alaska than go on that ridiculous journey. Also, I was wondering how they managed to portage their canoe and the deer back thru the tangled trees and branches---we didn't see that----hmmm.
Bird and the cowbell----good grief! Who does that? Kneels down in the icky, cowpie dirt and pretends to be a cow? I'm not sure which is worse---that or the past segment where she demonstrated the different "meows." Is this woman okay?
Let's examine Matt's meat shed: Who couldn't figure that it was doomed from the start...and impractical, to boot. First, the smell of a fresh (or, not-so-fresh) kill was wafting out of every crevice. Second, the door was flimsy. Third, it was built on an island inhabited by lots of bears. What could go wrong? Further, how could this shed preserve any meat? It wasn't a smokehouse nor was it cold enough to freeze the meat. And, if my eyes didn't deceive me, it appeared the deer was just hung in there, unskinned, head and all---just rotting away (this from the the most recent episode). Epic fail.
Noah & Rhain: If a chicken coop in Browntown is all Rhain ever hoped for, then Noah has met the right girl. Wow! Talk about setting your sights low! My husband thought she would have been smarter to retreat to Tierra del Fuego, but each to her own.
The wind turbine: I am not an engineer, but anyone with even a minimum of eyesight could tell that the structure "designed" to hold the wind turbine was a rickety mess that would blow over in the first good breeze and couldn't hold the weight on top of a plastic pinwheel, much less a heavy wind turbine. Even if Noah had been there to supervise, the whole thing would still have toppled over due to its rotten construction made without proper footings----never mind that it was also built out where some tides could start washing away at the wood.
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G
Well put on all accounts. Just wondering: Do you get the sense that the producers are trying harder to appeal to those of us that hate-watch the show? Those of us who enjoy the Browns failing at stuff and acting ridiculous?
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P
I watch because it makes me laugh...I look forward to the show for that reason. As for the epic fails (e.g. towing Gabe's "house" then having a tree fall on it, supposed bear invasion into the main house, the turbine tower falling over, Matt's meat shed, etc.) I really don't know if they thought some of their projects would actually work, but didn't so that is what we end up seeing...or were those the story lines all along. For example, did Matt honestly believe his meat shed would keep out bears? If so, he was only deluding himself and knows nothing about bears OR he agreed to build the shed knowing he would look incompetent when the venison disappeared (latest episode) and didn't care because he was being paid.
Sometimes I think the Browns, themselves, believe they ARE genuine "bush people" when the reality I see is a family who has moved around for decades, never able to put down real roots or have the real skills and/or education to achieve the goals they expound for themselves. Somehow, however, they have managed to parlay their lives into a TV show...which has, amazingly, continued despite the absurdity of it all. I would love to read a future, genuine "tell-all" book from the crew or a family member---now that would be interesting.
And, Ryan, the producers could cut back on the "ridiculous" aspect of the worst offenders, to wit: Bear (tumbling in the dirt, climbing trees, ruining scrambled eggs, having no discernible skills); Bird (meowing, wearing a homemade "cowbell" while on on all fours in the cow pen). If they were my children, I would be worried for their futures. Yikes!
I keep wondering where most of them live in the off-season. Does anyone know? Or do they just flit from one place to the next?
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O
"If you've been using outdoor survival tips from Alaskan Bush People, then you probably died two years ago"...hysterical!!Glad I found these recaps...although reading them makes me relive these shows and I really don't know why I am watching in the first place!!
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P
Christopher Walken never gets old, nice clip! Birdbrain crawling around on all fours in cow pies is about right. Rhain does not look like a model (at all), maybe just an over zealous fan. She could be legit. Even while in prison, guys, no matter how offensive, get married. Let's just pretend the Browns are in prison ....on an island ....like Alkatraz. It would make this distasteful pill that is ABP, easier to swallow!
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G
I have a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell! Nope, never gets old.
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O
TV Insider really needs to give you recognition for your reviews on this show. There's so much wrong with the series, but you manage to point out the "highlights and low lights" in your reports both professionally, and, with humor sprinkled in.
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G
Thanks, man! When I ask the bosses for a raise, I'll show them this.
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G
Sooooo fake. The cancer is probably a publicity stunt
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B
If you want to see if a cowbell works.... put it on a cow.
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G
I've tried to stay focused on No-ah's love interest if for no other reason than to try & figure out what her angle is. I've come up with absolutely nothing. Even if she's in it for the cash, there are still things she will be expected to do as his wife and...I...Just...Can't...Ryan, if not for you, this show wouldn't be worth commenting on let alone worth watching. Thank you for your recaps...they're the only thing that make sense where these idiots are concerned.
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G
Thank you, as always!
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C
If you feel so bad about it . Take some reviews from your politics instead.
This is light entertainment no violence no fouled tung louts no sex.
Can be very funny . And want to see them finishing there homes.as I watch grand design as well , change jobs ,,,,,,,
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Ryan, great recap as per normal. Discovery should give you the lead writing role for this silly fiasco of a show. It is good to see most of the old crew of "haters" made the trip to the new site. Like others, I just TiVo the thing and selectively watch. As of today I think there is only one more episode this season. As bad as the thing has gotten they still have a fairly impressive set of sponsors paying the bills. I don't believe that Discovery will kill this cash cow? Whadya think?
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G
Oh, man. I would have some great stories and scripts for ABP, but I'm saving my ideas for a dystopian sci-fi romance fan-fiction epic novel.
I've heard from people in the know that the next season will be the last. I guess we'll see. I've declared this show dead before, and I won't make that mistake again.
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B
Ryan: Hats 🎩 off as usual for a great recap.
You are now making me go back and look at the episode with the shooting of the deer. As you stated their editing is so sloppy I can't believe I missed the deer 🦌 posing dead on the log. Damn you Ryan, for making me watch ⌚️ the episode again.
The meat 🍖 contraption was doomed to failure from the git go. Never did understand the purpose of the steering wheel to open and close the bed frame door 🚪 when many times old Matt just went and slip it back and forth bereft of a steering wheel. The contraption overall was not suited to be a smoker nor was the weather cold enough to hang meat 🍖 for freezing. I do believe Alaskan Fish and Game needs to ask how they are keeping any of their meat from going rancid.
The wind turbine.....no comment other than doomed from the start to be a failure. Those Brown Clowns haven't been on Chiggerbite Island 🌴 long enough to know about tides?
Rhain? What can you say but an unemployed counter clerk at some pizza parlor in Catch a Can or Ketchup or Can of Soup 🍜 or Can I Please Stop ✋ Watching This Show, whom is looking to make a fast buck.
C ya, B ya, my friend. I am off to wander the desert.
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G
Yeah, I watched that hunting scene a lot more than I'm willing to admit. I spent a long time scanning the P.O.V. shots to see if there were deer in them. There weren't.
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P
The wind turbine was doomed from the start, since Billy did the planning. He bush calculated the footings with deadheads, and directed the shallow holes to be dug by shallow minds. Unfortunately, he must have had a small 'sneezure' and forgot all the detailed plans. The erected tripod was not straight and the legs were not spaced equally and did not meet the ends of the deadheads (an appropriate term for the actors of this reality show). This seasonette has to be the worse one yet. I am amazed at Matt's beard that grows and shrinks continuously through each episode. This deadhead builds a shelter out of leaves to stay out of the rain because he cannot use his dear hauling tarp until the next episode. Time to stop the madness.
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G
Yeah.
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O
Ryan deserves a nomination for a Pulitzer. Who else could make journalistic success out of mind-numbing, unfiltered, drivel trash from the likes of these idiotic buffoons that pretend to portray to us that they live, eat, hunt or sleep in the wild. The closest these morons have ever even been to the wild was at the house show at the Mirage. This show keeps getting better and worse at the same time every single episode. I just can't look away. It's the whole car-wreck viewing syndrome. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a true example of trashy comedy but the only real problem is that funerals are not meant to be entertaining.
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I think I would only qualify for the Bush Pulitzer, but thank you, Ben!
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