It's Shark Week on Discovery Channel, meaning there's no new Alaskan Bush People episode on July 26. In fact, there's no new ABP until Aug. 9, due to Discovery's Naked and Afraid and Darkness events. Thank the Good Lord for Shark Week.
Since this ABP season is about rehashing old stuff, I'm going to do the same and phone in a listicle to make sure TV Insider stays somewhere in the Alaskan Bush People Google News search results. Here's a list of the 15 Most AWESOME Alaskan Bush People Characters Who Aren't Kenny. Why no Kenny? Because Kenny exists on a much higher plane and cannot be ranked among lesser beings.
To prepare for the 'Alaskan Bush People' season premiere June 14, we pay tribute to Kenny, beloved caretaker of the dump in Hoonah.
And now, on with the countdown.
14. Cousin Cody
Cousin Cody was a guest who attended the Brown family's Bushmas celebration in the "A Browntown Christmas" special, which was filmed around Halloween and aired in December 2016. Cousin Cody got to be on TV and received a free southeast Alaskan vacation out of the deal, plus he won $100 in a shootin' contest. He's also a good sport about his resemblance to Saruman from The Lord of the Rings.
In "Never Give Up," the Browns have a fake hauling job with the Integrity, delivering the front end of a ’51 Mercury that's going to be converted into a desk and/or picnic table. The owner, Chris, is an affable guy who seems like Crocodile Dundee if he were on The Big Lebowski's bowling team. Chris plans on using the picnic table for a "hot dog match," whatever that is, and installing a cooler inside it. If I'm ever in Pelican, Alaska, I want to call this dude. We'll party.
When Matt makes friends, he literally makes them. While hard at work on his ineffective, bear-proof meat shed, Matt found the time to assemble his new buddy, Rob. More than just a companion, Rob worked as both a light fixture and a hat rack. Rob accomplished more in one day than Billy accomplished in three years of this show.
Catherine lives in the outskirts of Chitina, and she likes to have young men come over to do demolition work, but not before she tries to seduce them with tales of bikini contests at her annual Hawaii Day party. Those who resist her siren song are denied access to power tools.
10. Insane Duane
Insane Duane, who died in 2007, is briefly mentioned in Season 1's "Fight or Flight" and again in last season's "Browntown Forever," but his spirit looms large over ABP. Billy claimed that Insane Duane was a "legend" to his kids, and the mystery surrounding Insane Duane made him a legend to us. Insane Duane was actually Duane Malcom Evans, a "Brother, Friend, Hero and Biker" who lived in Wrangell, Alaska, but his relationship to Billy is not clear. In the above screen shot from "Fight or Flight," you'll notice a business card for "Kitty" is shown with her entire phone number (until I blurred it out). Some Googling reveals that Kitty is Kitty Angerman of Wrangell, which led us to Insane Duane's obituary, where Kitty is named as his "very special friend."
The Brown lads had many lasses who pretended to tolerate them over the course of the series. Many young ladies were forced to run through obstacle courses. Others were forced into chicken coops and subjected to Noah's bad music. Others were merely harassed while trying to enjoy coffee or shopping. Of all such ladies, Christy had the toughest job of the lot: She had to pretend to be Noah's girlfriend in a multi-episode arc. Fortunately for Christy, she chose to go back to school rather than resign herself to being a factory for Ami's grandbabies. Christy was just not that into Noah. Christy's not even into dudes.
8. Angry Chitina Lady
Little is known about this woman, and much of her story is Lost Footage. We know she is a Chitina-area resident who came to be on TV and assist the Browns in finishing their cabin. In her compassion, she would not let the Browns freeze. Yet in a conversation with Billy, we see that she is a woman capable of great vengeance and furious anger. “I actually had one guy I ran off the grounds. I pulled my gun on him and said, ‘You get in your [BLEEP] truck and get the [BLEEP] out of here or you’re my target, dude,” she says. I like to imagine she's the one who shot at the Browns in the dark and drove them out of Chitina.
7. "Hat Trick" Connie
Connie is an old friend of the Brown family who lives in Naukati, the blueberry mecca of Alaska. She has 60 gallons of blueberry wine underneath her bed, because she likes to have a little nip before bedtime. We're not sure how she earned the "Hat Trick" moniker, but we're guessing it didn't have to do with hockey. She has a cute little dog. Connie gives the boys some wind turbine stuff and some advice on what to look for in the perfect Bush wife. Noah ended up with this instead.
6. Bruce Gordon's Pants
All hail Shrambuie, guardian of Chitina-area thrift stores! Known as Gary Shramick before his metamorphosis into Shrambuie, this mythical creature's name is derived from Drambuie, the sweet and spicy liqueur he sups to give him superhuman abilities. Shrambuie is an imposing foe in battle, but he can be confused rather easily by men named "Bam Bam" and people dressed like preachers.
4. Cowboy Dean
HYAH! When you're in Ketchikan, we recommend taking a gold-panning excursion with Cowboy Dean. You'll learn about the ugliest woman you ever did see, the money-saving advantages of self-dentistry and how eating pine cones can be beneficial to your lower gastrointestinal tract. Finding gold is not guaranteed.
3. Mr. Cupcake
The Brown family dog is a noble beast, and the only member of the clan with whom we might have a stimulating conversation. Cupcake is also a renewable source of yarn for bracelets, scarves, sweaters and other textiles. The fact that Cupcake hasn't fled from the Browns or gone Cujo on them is evidence of his steadfast loyalty. Just don't get us started on Fake Cupcake.
Gale's prowess as an Alaskan junkman is surpassed only by Kenny's. Gale's junkyard is teeming with perfectly good windows and brand-new generators, and in "Blindsided," the Browns pulled off a sweet barter with Gale that only cost them a cord of spruce firewood. “The system says I have a violent personality,” Gale says. “I can vaguely recall having been a half of a star, a planet, a blade of grass, a pile of manure and a briar that grew out of that,” Gale further explains. Gale also believes in aliens. “I would go to another planet,” he says. “I haven’t done so well on this one, so...” Why didn't the producers get hours of Lost Footage with Gale? I'd watch that over any episode from this season.
1. The Skiff
The finest seafaring vessel that ever displaced water, The Skiff was too beautiful for this world. It saved the Browns from their own dumbassery every episode, yet the Browns constantly disparaged it. The Skiff could have wreaked vengeance on the Browns if it willed so. But The Skiff showed mercy, but still the Browns' hearts remained hardened. The Skiff sacrificed itself, and thus became more powerful than we could possibly imagine.