‘Alaskan Bush People’: ‘Unanchored’ (RECAP)
On Alaskan Bush People episode “Unanchored” (July 12), as the Brown family awaits Ami’s treatment options, this Lost Episode shows the wolfpack’s ability to endure through hardships in every environment. Adrift on the shores of the Alaskan wilderness, the wolfpack rediscovers their need for adventure.
They’re long past the Lost Footage stage, folks. Now they’re losing entire episodes.
The Lost Episode “Unanchored” is the latest example of how badly this “unfolding in real time” season has backfired on Park Slope and Discovery. They rushed this season to the screen so they could exploit the drama surrounding Ami’s illness, but they can’t film and edit new footage fast enough to make it to air every week. So they’re picking some Season 1 stuff up from the cutting-room floor, piecing it back together and calling it new. That’s why this episode feels like the crap they air during a NASCAR race rain delay.
The episode opens in Brownton Abbey, as we find Noah doing his bizarre solitary Noah stuff. He needs to fix a light bulb, only there’s a serious obstacle impeding him: a fairy circle. There are a bunch of sticks implanted in the ground in a circular pattern. “In folklore and legend, a fairy circle will trap you if you walk in it,” Noah explains. “It’s trespassing.” This fairy circle appears to be no more than two feet in diameter, and it could easily be avoided. But Noah takes this hocus pocus seriously, and he must make an offering to the fairy circle if he is to pass through it with impunity. “An offering can be anything the fairies will like,” Noah says. “Being that Bear is the fairy that created this, the offering is some bones with some red on it. Right up his alley.”
And then they throw it to a bunch of old stuff that was not worth watching three years ago and is still not worth watching today.
Hey, remember in Season 1 when they moved up to Chitina? “All nine family members were successful in building a cabin just before winter arrived,” Our Dear Narrator Asa says. This is tremendous B.S., since we all know that Billy spent most of the time sleeping off his Billy Brown Syndrome while a bunch of local “volunteers” did all the work. (BTW, why does Asa need to quantify the Brown family members in every freakin’ sentence? Yes, we understand nine already. There are nine, one for each circle of hell.)
See that guy on the far right? He’s not one of the nine-member Brown family, because he looks like he knows what he’s doing.
And then all those nice people who helped the nine-member Brown family build their cabin decided to raise arms against all nine of them. “The presence of a documentary film crew drew opposition from some locals,” Asa explains. Why, yes, because their cabin was not very remote and most people don’t like helicopters hovering above their houses day and night. Also, it’s cold up there, and the Browns—there are nine of them—and the production crew don’t like Alaska in the winter.
So the producers fabricate this story about locals shooting at the nine Browns in the middle of the night. “To avoid any further conflict, the Browns decided to find a new piece of land in the more temperate and isolated rainforests of Southeast Alaska.” That’s Brown family perseverance for ya.
“In 2013, they relocated to Juneau to purchase an old boat they could fix up and live on for pennies on the dollar,” Our Dear Narrator says. Ah, the Opal. What a fine vessel it was.
Yes, I love that photo. I’m buying it printed on a mug and a mousepad.
Then there’s a scene with Gabe complaining about having to do laundry in the Bush while Bam stands guard with a shotgun. If that’s not exciting enough for you, there’s a lot more scenes of Billy panning for gold. I’ll just rerun this pic, too, since we’re rehashing old stuff here.
In Ketchikan, Billy meets up with Cowboy Dean, whom we’ve seen before. We know him as the guy who once ate a pine cone and was constipated for a week.
Also, he pulled out his teeth last night because the dentist wasn’t going to get around to it for another week and Cowboy Dean was tired of eating mush. Cowboy Dean is not a patient man.
Oh, Billy. Sadly, gold does not heal everything. After Cowboy Dean fills Billy in on one of the ugliest women you ever did see (Holy criminy!), they go prospectin’ in Cowboy Dean’s “honey hole” that supposedly has untold riches buried in it. If you truly had a honey hole, why would you bring other people to it? I suppose you could bring someone out to your honey hole if you intended to beat them over the head with a pan, steal whatever gold they found and then leave them for dead in the creek…uh, not that I would suggest actually doing something like that….Hey, look at that nice “pooper log!” HYAH!
Billy and Cowboy Dean find bupkis. Billy gets to live, but if he says anything about the honey hole to anyone, it’ll by HYAH! for him.
Meanwhile, the five Brown boys are in Ketchikan seeking young lady tourists who desire a romantic interlude with an authentic Alaskan smelly idiot dirtbag. “When the cruise ships come up, they’re just packed with girls,” Matt says. There are probably also a lot of girls packed in Matt’s root cellar.
It’s raining in Ketchikan, so all the tourist girls go shopping instead of stand out in the rain like imbeciles. Being harassed by jackasses was not on their Alaskan cruise itinerary. The boys break out some of their finest pickup lines. Gabe: “What’s your favorite bird?” Bam: “Nobody told me there was a cruise ship with models in town.” Noah: “Those are terrible, aren’t they?”
He means those crutches, not the genetic mutation that gives people blue eyes. Noah tries to impress Crutches Lady with failed card tricks. Matt talks up a girl, Amanda, with his knowledge of polka dots. “You spend too much time on the islands and you start going loco, you know? Pick up strange hobbies,” Matt says. You know, like playing with explosives in the bathroom.
Billy comes up empty at the honey hole. The boys come up empty with the honeys. A banner day for the Brown men. What else could go possibly go wrong?
Boat Malfunction! As the boys take the Opal to go on a hunt before picking up their dad, the boat can’t turn left. There’s no “port action” at all. The water’s too deep for them to drop anchor, yet they’re worried about drifting into a reef. So they keep the boat going in a circle, just like this TV series.
Noah determines that a ram bracket doohickey is broken, so the wheel won’t turn the rudder. Noah and Matt take a skiff (not the Skiff) ashore to find a replacement bracket. They end up at a shop that looks like a Goodwill for boat parts. Lo and behold, they find a bracket that matches. And that’s the end of that chapter.
The Opal returns to whatever temporary camp the Browns have set up, and all nine of them are together to share a meal and stories of their day’s failures. Discussion turns to how Rainy really wants a dog. Why do they need a dog? “’Cause, like, bears and stuff,” Rainy says. “It’s like, protective.” Besides, Rainy gets whatever she wants.
Look at 10-year-old Rainy, still a sweetheart. Won’t be long before she discovers excessive makeup, weird hats and teenage ennui.
Billy tells us about the family’s previous dog, Brauner, pictured here with what looks like Bear as a toddler. Bear is still mentally a toddler. [Update: I’m told that it’s Birdy. Same thing applies.]
If this were a sitcom, the live studio audience would go “Awwwwwwwwwwww.” Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be EXXXXTREME!
Billy embarks on a journey to get a puppy for his daughter. He knows a guy who knows a guy who knows someone’s cousin’s hairdresser’s roommate who just might be giving away puppies to random Bush folk who show up with camera crews.
Despite his family’s unfortunate history with aviation, Billy hops on a floatplane, then skiffs it to a floathouse where puppies are plentiful. After some brief unintelligible babbling from the dog’s owner, he hands over the pooch—known as “Badge”—to Billy.
“Awwwwwwwwwwww.”
Back at the Brown family camp, the boys decide they need some straight cash, homey. Gabe wants to buy a brick of chocolate with almonds and bury it six feet below ground. Practical Bam wants to buy new boots. But how do most people who don’t have contracts with a TV production company get this paper money? They could get jobs, but where would they find them?
Noah hadn’t yet turned into the self-important sack of pus we know today, but the signs were there. At least he’s not a snob: He’ll work with anyone except racists and people who are disrespectful.
Matt and Gabe find gainful employment at the Cedars Lodge in Ketchikan. Cedars Lodge processes and ships fish that tourists catch on their excursions. (Reviews are mixed.) Matt and Gabe are tasked with packing geoducks (pronounced “gooey duck”), a highly profitable mollusk that’s served as a delicacy around the world. And, yes, we won’t tiptoe around the fact that the geoduck bears an amusing resemblance to male genitalia. Geoducks also “seem to retain a lot of the juices,” Gabe says, which lends itself to gifs like this:
Billy brings the puppy home and presents it to Rainy, who names him Mr. Cupcake. So that’s Cupcake’s origin story, right? Eh. Maybe not. The Browns get the puppy before the Opal sinks in Ketchikan, yet there’s no evidence of the Browns having a puppy when they “lost everything” in the sunken boat. Could it be possible (in the fake ABP universe, of course) that Badge went down with the ship and Mr. Cupcake is really Mr. Cupcake II? I will devote the rest of my career to uncovering this conspiracy.
Now for a look at all the exciting things yet to come on this season of Alaskan Bush People, which can start any week now.
It’s too damn hot. You can literally fry an egg in the sun, marking the first time Bear has correctly used the word “literally.”
Bear says his eggs are “frambled,” a mix of fried and scrambled. Frambled also applies to what Alaskan Bush People does to the human brain.
At some point, whenever the producers feel like getting around to showing it, the Browns will temporarily move to Colorado. Billy could totally see himself defrauding and sullying that state. “It’s breathtaking,” says Ami. Hope she enjoyed that week or so in Colorado, because they had to move her back to SoCal for cancer treatments.
Thanks for making it to the end of what was essentially a recap of a rerun. At least we still have this to look forward to:
Conversation33 Comments
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The INSANE BROWN POSSE are no more 'bush' than Hilary is honest. They are both lifetime grifters.
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Vote Trump, take it in the Rump. He loves the uneducated.
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As I understood the timeline of this "Lost Episode" it was when the Browns were supposedly living on the Opal. That being the case then, when Billy and his 5 Brown sons went a'hootin' into "town" ----with the Opal and its skiff----where the heck were the womenfolk? Left high and soggy without transportation in some woods somewhere? I know, I know---they weren't suffering or anything like that----but if one is to believe the Bush mythology---the Brown women were left to fend for themselves---no shelter, no boats, no nothing...and no explanations re. their welfare. *eyeroll*
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Watched the July 19 ABP and for once not much in the way of recaps. Matt almost blew his head off as has been a teaser for weeks. Kenny shows up before Matts misfortune and takes a load of junk out. Then Bear, Bird and Rain come back to the island to shut it down. Bear challenged a grizzly and climbed trees while there. I'm sure the crew will bring in a dozer to plow the set under after shooting is finished. Mom Ami gets the news of her treatments she will under go. The highlight of the next episode shows the Browns arriving at the new Browntown must be Colorado. Will the show keep Alaskan Bush People as the title or change it to Colorado Bush People.
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Here's Lost Footage of the crew cleaning up Brownton Abbey:
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Fire shall reclaim and cleanse the earth and once again will hold food and refuge for Gods creatures. Or was it Matt Raney destroying that Homestead?
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I'm completely convinced at this point that Bear, Birdturd and Gabe are genuinely challenged mentally so I'm laying off any criticism in their directions bc it's just sad and not humorous anymore. I'm still trying to figure out what type of trash Noah is exactly bc I've just never come across a more unjustified arrogant, ignorant, immature and just plain ole "dumb as a pile of rocks" piece of shit as Noah. He is nauseating and I cannot imagine any human being, male OR female, desperate enough to end up with him, no matter how much money is involved. Billy's insensitivity and callousness never ceases to amaze me no matter how bad (true or fabricated) their situation gets. Like Ryan said, I cannot wait for the episode where Matt blows himself up, the best of this show really is yet to come!
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Your might can add Merry Christmas Kathryn Raindrop to that group although she might just be fashion challenged.
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So you've uncovered the Mr. Cupcake conspiracy as well! After watching that malarkey about Billy's adventure to get him I went back starting with the episode where the Chitina chapter of Volunteers of America ran them off and they bought the Opal and the time lines don't match up (as usual). At no time between Chitina and Ketchikan while they were on the Opal or staying on that island did they have a dog. Then all of a sudden in season 2 episode 1 "A Very Bush Christmas" when they're in Ketchikan there's Cupcake, a full grown dog. So yeah, justice for Mr. Cupcake I!! Seriously if he went to that much trouble to get a dog how in the heck could they lose that much footage that was better than what they showed at the time? [Digression: I love the scene where they take Merry Christmas Kathryn Raindrop to the dentist. The reaction of the receptionist to these idiots is priceless! She was basically left speechless by them. She defined how most everybody would later come to react to them. ]
I ran across this article yesterday:
http://radaronline.com/celebrity-news/alaskan-bush-people-ami-brown-cancer-matt-son-picks-up-women/
It's fake news of a fake show. The piece tries to claim that Matt is still attempting to pick up women while is Ami is dying of cancer based on the season 2 footage of him trying to pick up Amanda in Ketchikan. That's just sad journalism right there.
Another great recap Ryan! The lord gave you wood and you made toothpicks (or whatever Billy says at the beginning of each show). Hopefully we'll get some new footage next week although I wouldn't hold my breath.
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As I understand it from a local, the puppy Badge was borrowed to shoot this scene. Cupcake was already full grown at that time.
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Dadgummit are you're saying they've lied to us for the sake of still bad TV? Well there went my idea of you and I getting a series on Discovery or History that delves into uncovering the conspiracy. I watched "A Very Bush Christmas" (again) for this!!
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The receptionist at the dentist's office was reportedly a crew member, so that would explain the overreaction. Radar Online has had some scoops in regard to Ami's mom and brother, but they really exposed themselves as clueless in that article. I made fun of them:
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Oh, for crying out loud...are you serious? Makes one wonder if there's any truth at all to this sorry excuse for a docu-series.
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Yep. A very good source in Ketchikan had the inside scoop on the puppy.
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Sweet!
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Great recap as always, but they sure don't make it easy with the constant bombardment of old clips, and just a fraction of new stuff.
I long for the good old days, where one could (rightfully) chastise the entire clan for wasting time and energy with obviously idiotic projects like saran wrap houses, Bear smearing mud all over to "mask his scent" and then turning around all hyped up and sporting a back completely devoid of mud or Rain eating sugareggs while flashing that bucktoothed grin of hers. Like a "before" clip in some before/after commercial for miracle toothpaste. 😂
These days they just seem to be a travelling "f you" to everyone watching (fans and haters alike), and it seems like they just wanna test, how long they can push it.
Before one could get a good laugh at a family behaving like idiots, but now it somehow seems more like deliberate con men exploiting gullible fans while not even having the decency to really put some effort into their harebrained schemes for the rest of us. 😑 but I better stop. I've already made ten times the effort writing this, than they ever did making the show.
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Rain didn't put sugar on eggs. It was Bird who did that & spoke highly of how good it was!
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Ryan, good recap as usual. I have no comment on timelines and accuracy of when things happened. I believe that Pork Slop has a 10th grade high school intern from the school's audio visual club doing the editing and you get what you pay 💰 for. (Eek, ending a sentence in a preposition)
Now the really good 😊 new/bad news story of the day. The good news is Browntown Clowns 🤡 may be over. In checking two weeks out there is no ABP scheduled for the week of the 24th. There is an ABP still scheduled for this week.
The bad news is if ABP has been shelved by Pork Slop and Discumery what will we do without your witty recaps. That would be the real fiasco in this train wreck.
Back to the desert 🌵 for me as like Moses, Plato, Machiavelli. Diogenes and my neighbor down the street, we do our best thinking in the Sonoran Desert 🌵 and drink a lot of beer.
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Here's Discovery's ABP schedule for the remainder of the season. After this Wednesday's episode, there's a two-week hiatus. New episodes return 8/9 and 8/16. Then there's a three-episode season finale on 8/23! Misfit Garage begins airing in ABP's timeslot on 8/30.
7/19: New ABP Episode “Weight of the Wolfpack”
7/26: No ABP (Shark Week)
8/2: No ABP (Naked and Afraid/Darkness)
8/9: New ABP Episode
8/16: New ABP Episode
8/23: New ABP Episode
New ABP Episode
New ABP Episode
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"Here is your king's scepter, and here is your kingdom, with the scorpion, the cobra, and the lizard for subjects." 🌵
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Thank heavens......not for the ABP, but for your minions who can now sleep 😴 peacefully knowing we won't have to support you and your family in a life style you probably ain't accustomed. Misfit Garage you don't assume is filmed in Alaska, do thee ya?
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Ryan, you never cease to amaze me! It's gotta be tough coming up with new material in your recaps when all you've got to go on is a re-hashed repeat of the most repetitive show in television history. I noticed that they slipped in the ratings this past week...hmmm...seems even the "fans" are getting fed up with all the laziness on the part of the production crew. They've been around the Brown's too long...bad habits are starting to rub off on them. I understand that Ami's diagnosis has been confirmed...kind of...but by them not sharing any updates, it makes one wonder exactly what's going on. As much as I say I won't be watching anymore, I find myself tuning in, if for no other reason, so I can interact with everyone here. Thanks again for putting your sanity on the line for all of us!
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Thanks, Steff! I appreciate all your contributions to these recaps!
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Great recap as always, but they sure don't make it easy with the constant bombardment of old clips, and just a fraction of new stuff.
I long for the good old days, where one could (rightfully) chastise the entire clan for wasting time and energy with obviously idiotic projects like saran wrap houses, Bear smearing mud all over to "mask his scent" and then turning around all hyped up and sporting a back completely devoid of mud or Rain eating sugareggs while flashing that bucktoothed grin of hers. Like a "before" clip in some before/after commercial for miracle toothpaste. 😂
These days they just seem to be a travelling "f you" to everyone watching (fans and haters alike), and it seems like they just wanna test, how long they can push it.
Before one could get a good laugh if out a family behaving like idiots, but now it somehow seems more like deliberate con men exploiting gullible fans while not even having the decency to really put some effort into their harebrained schemes for the rest of us. 😑 but I better stop. I've already made ten times the effort writing this, than they ever did making the show.
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How come some of my comments get stuck in eternal pending?
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It's happened before when there was a word in a comment that disqus flagged. I can check with our admin.
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Would be great, Ryan.👍🏻
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Same thing has happened to me. My comment from earlier today was flagged and I don't think the one I wrote for the episode a couple of weeks back ever made it out of pending. Would be nice to do know what words we need to avoid.
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The admin informed me that the dreaded F word is not permitted in comments. You can always bleep out that f!*kin' stuff. Also, any racial/gender slurs are unacceptable.
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Duly noted. Comment has been updated. 😎👍🏻 thanx
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Great recap as always, but they sure don't make it easy with the constant bombardment of old clips, and just a fraction of new stuff.
I long for the good old days, where one could (rightfully) chastise the entire clan for wasting time and energy with obviously idiotic projects like saran wrap houses, Bear smearing mud all over to "mask his scent" and then turning around all hyped up and sporting a back completely devoid of mud or Rain eating sugareggs while flashing that bucktoothed grin of hers. Like a "before" clip in some before/after commercial for miracle toothpaste. 😂
These days they just seem to be a travelling "fuck you" to everyone watching (fans and haters alike), and it seems like they just wanna test, how long they can push it.
Before one could get a good laugh if out a family behaving like idiots, but now it somehow seems more like deliberate con men exploiting gullible fans while not even having the decency to really put some effort into their harebrained schemes for the rest of us. 😑 but I better stop. I've already made ten times the effort writing this, than they ever did making the show.
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G
Great recap as always, but they sure don't make it easy with the constant bombardment of old clips, and just a fraction of new stuff.
I long for the good old days, where one could (rightfully) chastise the entire clan for wasting time and energy with obviously idiotic projects like saran wrap houses, Bear smearing mud all over to "mask his scent" and then turning around all hyped up and sporting a back completely devoid of mud or Rain eating sugareggs while flashing that bucktoothed grin of hers. Like a "before" clip in some before/after commercial for miracle toothpaste. 😂
These days they just seem to be a travelling "fuck you" to everyone watching (fans and haters alike), and it seems like they just wanna test, how long they can push it.
Before one could get a good laugh if out a family behaving like idiots, but now it somehow seems more like deliberate con men exploiting gullible fans while not even having the decency to really put some effort into their harebrained schemes for the rest of us. 😑 but I better stop. I've already made ten times the effort writing this, than they ever did making the show.