‘Alaskan Bush People’: ‘Strength in Numbers’ (RECAP)
On the Alaskan Bush People episode “Strength in Numbers” (July 5), the Browns continue to deal with the devastating medical news they’ve received about Ami. The family comes together hoping to hear good news soon.
“Strength in Numbers” contains roughly 10 percent new footage, and of that 10 percent, only 1 percent is worth a damn. Here is that 1 percent:
Discovery could’ve just aired that GIF for an hour, and it would be far superior to what they actually put onscreen. If I did the kind of half-assed work that Park Slope does, I’d be thrown out on the streets or end up as editor in chief of Inquisitr.
This episode opens in Southern California, where Bear is chasing a little lizard up a tree. [DIGRESSION! We were recently in L.A., and my sons were having a blast playing hide-and-seek with the lizards that were sunning themselves on the curb in the park. We should’ve just done that all day instead of paying $428 for tickets to Disneyland.]
Bear and Gabe are trying to find ways to maintain their AWESOME levels of EXXXXTREME in SoCal, and that means digging a hole in the yard of the property they’re renting so they can light a big fire in a drought-stricken area prone to wildfires. Idiots.
Fortunately, they don’t actually start the blaze. Gabe wants to kill something and asks Bear if there are any deer around there to hunt. Bear just shakes his head. You don’t want to shoot L.A. deer, anyway, as they’ve been known to shoot back. “Ha-HA!” as Matt would say 1,000 times before this episode ends.
Let’s hear Billy bloviate on the virtues of the Bush life that he does not actually live. “Every day is the unknown. Every hour is the unknown,” he says. Every hour I spend with this show is repetitive and predictable.
Then we have to sit through a lot of recycled scenes from Season 1, in which we find Billy and the boys walking through the muskeg (i.e. a bog) looking for a place to build their new cabin near Chitina. The ground is too squishy to build on, and there are too many mosquitoes. “Those things also carry small animals away,” Bear says. I assume he’s joking, but who the hell can tell anymore? That leads Gabe to swat away at the imaginary skeeters. Let’s just watch that again, shall we?
Ah, that’s the stuff. Anyway, Bear says something vague about how their time in Chitina didn’t go so well. In case you’ve forgotten, it was fake and bad and ridiculous and this show shouldn’t have gone on after that.
There’s some Lost Footage of Billy performing a duet with Sir Elton John.
And then we get to see the boys being terrible at throwing hatchets.
“It’s important to be a little bit competitive when you’re living in the Bush or things can get boring,” says Noah. Oh, we wouldn’t want things to get boring! Have you ever seen an episode of your show, Noah?
I’ve seen every episode. I have known much suffering.
This episode is really trying to sell us on the idea of the “unknown,” as though there weren’t a small army of production crew members trying to eliminate as much of the unknown as they can. Our Dear Narrator says, “For decades, the Brown family has braved the infinite unknown of the Alaskan Bush by embracing their environment and adapting on the fly.” The only “infinite unknown” about this show is when it will finally be put to eternal rest.
Back in SoCal, Birdy is dying of heat and Bear is about to spontaneously combust. He likes to start fires, you know. Fortunately, someone left an old hot tub in the yard, and if they bail out all the slime and algae, they can fill it with water from the garden hose. Bear wants to fill the hot tub with ice to make it a “cold tub” and experience EXXXXTREME hypothermia!
You’d think that watching Matt and Kenny fishing for squid at night would be entertaining. It is not.
This scene devolves into Matt and Kenny igniting road flares and throwing them into the water to see if they stay lit or float. I like how the producers are trying to air as much footage of Matt playing with fire as possible, just to set the stage for Matt blowing himself up later in the season. Matt and Kenny catch no squid, but they do manage to haul in an octopus.
“The Browns’ well-rounded education has enabled their entire way of life in the wild,” says Our Dear Narrator, who must’ve needed at least 20 takes to say that without laughing. “We were home-schooled, and so we learned all the things that normal people in school learn, and we also learned extra-curricular activities, such as, you know, how to survive,” says Bam. Oh, that’s pretty smug, Bam, even for you. I have nothing against home-schooling, so long as the teacher isn’t a high-school dropout who ran off at age 15 to get married to some creepy dude in his 20s. Rainy successfully completed Ami’s course on Bush Chemistry, but failed the class on hats.
I wonder what kind of crazy B.S. Matt is up to now. “OK, what kind of crazy B.S. are you up to now?” Bam asks Matt. Matt is doing some serious jackassery. He makes a dragon out of random garbage, then tries to make it breathe fire by pouring gasoline into its head and igniting it. “Trust me, it’ll be cool,” Matt says.
It is not cool. The dragon’s whole head catches fire and falls to the ground. It’s one big metaphor for Matt’s existence.
Since my July issue of Moss Aficionado magazine hasn’t arrived yet, I’m glad Bear is here to provide some of the moss enthusiast perspective. “Moss would technically qualify as being a part of the Bush,” he says. I was not aware there was debate about this, but thanks anyway, Bear. “I definitely have a high respect for it and one of the main smells when you’re going through the forest is actually moss.” Bam respects the danger. Bear respects the moss. EXXXXTREME!
With Ami being sick and Billy being a useless louse, they’re relying on their kids a lot more to get stuff done. “It isn’t the first time that Billy has relied on his kids in times of uncertainty,” says Our Dear Narrator. We get a flashback to when Bam captained the Integrity for a hauling job at Gustavus while Billy stayed home with Billy Brown Syndrome. “I’m not saying that I wasn’t apprehentious [sic] and I’m not saying that I didn’t have my doubts,” Billy says about letting Bam lead the mission. Then Bam rammed the dock. “It shook like the whole world, literally,” Bear says. Yes, I’m sure it registered on the Richter scale in Azerbaijan. Stick to moss, you halfwit.
Here’s more proof that every creative decision Park Slope makes is wrong. All the interesting people get cut from the episodes. There’s a bit of old Lost Footage from Season 1 in which Bam and Noah are thrift-store shopping for some blankets to stave off the cold in their trapper shack. There, we get introduced to this guy.
He is Gary Shramick. He also goes by “Shrambuie,” which is a portmanteau of Shramick and Drambuie, in case you wanted to know how drunk he is. “Oh, really? Well, there you go,” Bam uncomfortably replies. Shrambuie meets Noah, who is dressed in his usual Noah attire.
He he. No, he’s not a preacher. He’s just weird.
Bam says, “[Shrambuie] just reminded me of Matt, ’cause he, like, always has a spear.” Matt seems well on his way to becoming just like Shrambuie. Shrambuie is pleased to have met Bam Bam and his brother Noah, the aspiring preacher.
Did you ever notice how Bam makes matter-of-fact statements like “It’s a staircase,” “It’s a turbine” and “It’s a cow”? “I might be doing it just so people know what it is,” Bam explains. He’s usually just saying it to express his indifference. Rainy says that people might find that very sarcastic. He answers, “Me? Sarcastic? Never.” Excellent, Bam. Escaping your family has served you well.
It’s time for Billy to show Ami how much of an insensitive asshat he really is. Ami’s in bed, and Billy sits down next to her. He boo-hoos to her about how much the Bush is a part of him and he’s sad because he can’t go back to Brownton Abbey. “Just the thought that we can’t go back there is kinda getting to me,” he says to her. Oh, so sorry your wife’s advanced-stage cancer is such a major inconvenience for you, Billy. Hey, Billy, YOUR WIFE HAS CANCER.
Then there’s more nonsense how Brownton Abbey isn’t just a set for a TV show, but it’s a spirit or some junk they’ll always have in their hearts and memories or whatever. “Browntown was a living being inside of all of us for a long time now,” Billy says.
So it’s like a tapeworm?
At last, this episode ends. It was so bad, it made Kenny weep.
As a public service to keep you informed of what’s really happening with the Brown family, we present this sublime photo shared on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/alaskanfrauds/photos/a.878560095560448.1073741828.877850308964760/1421139627969156/?type=3&theater
Conversation35 Comments
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Comments are closed on this story.
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O
Excellent point Ryan pertaining to Billy's insensitive, cold-hearted, borderline cruel constant conversation about his "bush withdrawal" in front of Ami. My mother is a breast cancer survivor and if he really and truly is this insensitive offscreen regarding her battle, f*** him and f*** the boat he sunk in on his way. I honestly am very disappointed in the network allowing his cruel insensitivity to air, genuine or fabricated. We can't blame Matt for his drinking people, if I was forced to grow up under Billy Browns parenting, I'd have started at the earliest age possible. Cancer is a horrific experience alone and the last thing Ami needs is some complete piece of shit wining in her ear about his emotional distress from leaving the "bush". Lastly, Rainny is a pure money hungry tool and Noah really really needs to go test as many experimental parachutes as possible. Awesome as always Ryan, thanks for your perseverance through obviously challenging "reality tv".
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I actually laughed out loud when Matt's dragon head fell off the moment he set it on fire.
Turning to Rain's "education," I see the producers felt it necessary to bring the bush homeschooling up because, with Ami ill, it was questionable whether anyone was "teaching" the 14-year-old so as to be in compliance with the laws in whichever state they were in. Well, lo and behold, Gabe now appears to be her "teacher." Who saw that coming? Yes, there they were at the table on the deck with Gabe giving her an "art lesson." I have serious doubts that the lesson qualified as anything remotely resembling the requirements for homeschooling. That young woman is being a disservice, educationally speaking.
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Great recap Ryan, as usual. Like most of the other people who comment herein, I can't believe our favorite bush show has gone from funny stupid to just stupid. How I long for the good old days with a fake hauling job or a fake hunt or some fake danger. I'm just glad our boy No-Uh was wearing Spurs on his sneakers while guarding Browntown. I wonder if he's wearing them to his upcoming wedding? Can't wait for the next exciting episode.
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Ruth/Rhain later that evening at the honeymoon hideout: "Oh No-Uh is that a spur-aah or are you just glad to see me-ahh?"
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Wow, I haven't watched an episode in a few season now based on being a conscientious objector to the attack on ones IQ. This show has devolved from a really low place to start with to unimaginable depths. Now it sounds like they don't even have barely any new material and are just rehashing things. I cannot even imagine turning the channel to this any more and sitting down with some popcorn and thinking this could possibly be entertaining in any way. It ceased being train wreck funny a number of seasons ago. The thought of listening to Billy spew his bile every time he opens his mouth is way more than I could bare. How they can STILL talk about living in the bush for all these years is beyond me. They pleaded in a court of law to lying about even living in Alaska, let alone the bush. Yet... this is still the #1 rated cable show on Wednesday nights (the audience is down a little over 50% from their early days, but still...). I honestly fear for our future. Only reason I even remembered the show was on and thought to come read the recaps was there was a commercial for it during Deadliest Catch. Even then I was shaking my head thinking... Good gravy, that is still on?
Great recap as always Ryan. Your employer owes you some serious cash for the mental anguish of having to watch this. This has to be against the Geneva Convention or something
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Welcome back, David! Yeah, I'm still plugging away at this. Fortunately, there are still lots of people to commiserate with.
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I, agree. Welcome back, David. Thought you had given up on this phony BS, discounting Ami's situation.
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Since the title of the show is Alaskan Bush People and the theme is living in the Alaskan wilderness and there no longer doing this....Time to hiatus this show. Out of respect for his very ill wife and mother of his children Billy Brown needs see this show is stopped. There is no need to to expose a women this sick to tv cameras and production crews each and every week or national tv. The treatments for her cancer will be very severe and will last for a good deal of time. If in a couple years Ami beats this then think of a return but as of now there is no point of going forward with this show.
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Wha-a-a-t? Put the show on hiatus? Hiatus means no money and that does not fit into Billy's MO. If anything her illness could mean better ratings which means another another possible season which means more money. In Billy's cold, delusional mind you're just talking craziness!
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I've started counting the number of times someone uses the word "bush" I think I will make it a drinking game, I should be shit faced before the first commercial 😉 I grew up in Bush Alaska and stll live in Alaska and this show pisses all of off to say the least. I'm sorry Ami's sick, but I would junk punch my husband if he was saying that shit to me while on my deathbed
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The only re-caps worth experiencing are yours, Ryan. The garbage that's been aired as of late isn't any better the second, third or fourth time around...I guess Discovery didn't get the memo. As far as Billy goes...as if we needed further proof of what an assclown he is, he's got the balls to lay a guilt trip on Ami? What the Hell...? Not that I'd have ever given Billy the benefit of the doubt, but even this was lower than I expected from any of them, much less Ami's own "loving" husband. What exactly, I wonder, is the purpose of dragging this abomination on any longer? I just don't see the logic in...oh, wait...what was I thinking...? There's absolutely no place in this show for logic. My bad...
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I figured this was going to be a slapdash season, but this is truly Bush league.
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Great recap, and god damn that picture with Noah in a fucking baret and Bam with high volume helmet hair. 😂😂 but I feel this shitshow is coming to an end either fast or drawn out with recaps galore.
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My money is on the latter option, unfortunately.
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Sure seems like it already, I agree. 😩 good thing Bushland Reputation Security delivers entertainment, by coming on here acting very hurt and feeling misunderstood on the Browns' behalf. 😂😂
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Total watch time of ABP episode Wednesday night July 12,2017. 1 minute saw it was lost footage or episode and said goodbye. Billy still gets a check for this nonsense airing however. This did give me a good idea how about calling Matt Rany and family in to save this homestead..of Homestead Rescue on Discovery. Could the Ranys save Chicago Bears island in 7 days. No doubt with the Brown family this would be there first failed Homestead Rescue. But it would be much better than lost footage and recaps every week.
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Ryan I hope you keep your old recaps. Based on tonight's episode you should be able to just cut and paste to make the recap for it. 10 minutes and wham bam... thank you ma'am... done!
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Yep, I had to dip back into the archives a few times, mostly to compare the old B.S. to the "new" B.S.
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Billy, Cut that nasty crap growing on your face, its gross...
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And I came in from wandering the desert for this episode? Great recap, Ryan, but for once no comment.
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Thought you might get a kick out of Noah's Camaro breaking down near Flagstaff. I know that's not desert up there, but still.
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They have more cars then Chiggerbite island has bears. I saw the story about the kind native American woman towing him from Tuba City to Flagstaff and could only wonder what he was doing in Tuba City. Maybe Rhain is going to the University of Tuba City to get her PHD in playing the tuba.
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Mr, Berenz, the Gabe face slapping is right up there with Birdbrain's face on the Starbuck's logo and almost on par with Bush LEGOS! I just saw a commercial for the 7/12 show. It's a lost footage thing. Perhaps someone with some sense pulled the plug on filming for a while. No matter how goofy those Brown "kids" are, they are human and shouldn't have to chase peacocks, climb trees, and act like pompous asses (sorry Noah!) for the camera (and Billy). Kenny weeping in the preview is heart wrenching. I hope he didn't buy a bunch of crap he won't be able to afford without his check from the production company.
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Ohhh and Bam Bam, I hear u got a chick, a hollywood producer chick, are you serious, what snag nasty hag would find u husband worthy, yea she dosent shave her legs or pits, dont take her to bush, big foot might steal it....
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I like the Alaskan Bush People. Do I believe everything on the show? Not by far. I think someone needs to slap Billy into the reality that his wife could be dying. I, too am tired of his whining to his extremely sick wife. What's funny (or sad), ever how you choose to look at it, is that the few people who have commented put the show down completely & whine because it's been mainly recaps lately. The "writer" of this article was all sarcasm. Where I live, we're free to choose what we wear. Everyday people don't keep up with the latest LA or New York fashion. I didn't particularly like Rainy's hat, but if she likes it, who are you to judge? You may not realize this, but if none of you don't want to watch the show & are only going to gripe, QUIT WATCHING IT!!! Their is such a thing as changing channels.
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"Me? Sarcastic? Never."
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AMEN 👌⭐⭐👍
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I totally agree with you! I enjoy watching it and if all you other idiots hate it so much, why would you keep watching it!?!?! That's only common sense. We don't run the shows you watch in the ground so keep your mouth shut and turn the channel! Let me guess.. You probably enjoy the blood andguts killing shows or that stupid "Naked and Afraid". Well newsflash your snood comments only shows your life must be pretty miserable. Stop trying to make everyone else's the same. Freedom of choice. If you choose to hate it,Dont Watch It!!!
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And you are equally as free to not hang around anti Brown episode recaps. What on earth made you come here? Come to think of it, I think alot of you, for some reason, think we just didn't get that memo. That we could change the channel.
We know.
For Me personally, its like passing a car wreck. You know you'll end up regretting you looked, but you end up looking anyway.
I would never waste my time going to a "billy brown for president" message board and try to persuade anyone to change. You watch it, bc you believe what they say, we watch it to make fun. We'll never agree anyway, so why not enjoy the latest flashbackpalooza of your fave show, instead of wasting time and energy being butthurt on a reality tv's (sorry reality wolfpack's) behalf?
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God damn, the Browntown defence league in full force. 😂
Since its apparently difficult to completely grasp:
"we think we have seen enough to make educated guesses that 90% of what they say are lies, and the rest scattered nuggets with shades of truth. From that standpoint we then have a good handfull of extremely funny people, who turns our observations into hilarious recaps. That we then in turn add to and get a laugh from."
I know we can't all be so evolved, we see how spurs on tennis shoes can be completely justified quite yet, or how installing sawblades in your leather jacket truly gains you anything, but perhaps there is hope for us yet. 😂😉
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Hey, Vern. Please exercise your freedom of choice and choose a better argument than this. If what total strangers think about a TV show angries you up so much and spoils your enjoyment of that show, you should probably choose to stay off the interwebs.
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I admit it, i do hate it, and I am an idiot for watching. I just can't help it!
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Add freedom of speech to your list Dudley Do-Right.
It's a draw, they don't have to watch and you don't have to read the non-believer common sense recaps. Since this (the recaps) will be an ongoing thing based on episodes then you won't likely win this fight. So we can make a deal, if you go watch the show and don't come here after then I promise you won't see anyone putting down "The Browns, Browntown, Brownville, Brownland, Brownout in Alaska, Burntout Browns, Bear and the Brownie, or last but not least Bam made a Brown Boo in his favorite Christmas underwear holiday special".
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Are you telling me if you came upon an accident where a clown car, driven by a nasty ass clown, ran into the back of a truck carrying manure you wouldn't stare as you drove by? I don't think so!
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