'90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After?': Valley of the Dolls (RECAP)
[Warning: The below contains MAJOR spoilers for Season 5, Episode 12 of 90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After?]
It's bombshell after bombshell this week, and we're not talking about Larissa's new mannequin-inspired look. While Kalani confesses that she doesn't want to be married anymore, Colt's insatiable cheating ways are revealed to Jess — at a cat café, no less. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to piece together what went wrong here.
"Go Big or Go Home"
Eric, Larissa, and her friend drive to a consultation for Larissa's breast implants. "I think she should go as big as they make them," Eric chimes in. No wonder he is so eager to "loan" Larissa money for the surgery.
"Everything came to a full circle," he continues, unaware of the obvious pun. "We came to an agreement on the investment."
Larissa also tries to set back feminism a few decades. "When I look at the blow-up dolls, like big boobs, small waist, big lips, I started to feel it's so pretty," she explains in a confessional. Does she not realize blow-up dolls have no brains? She also tells the elusive Dr. Smith that she wants her breasts to look as "fake as possible." Larissa tries on different breast sizes and eventually opts for the second largest one.
In Kentucky, new mom Karine has more pressing issues on her mind. She still is homesick for her family in Brazil and goes to meet with an immigration lawyer to see if she can internationally travel while a permit resident.
The immigration attorney also pronounces Karine's name correctly and not like "Ka-REEN-EE" like Paul insists on saying. Karine explains to the lawyer through an interpreter that she gave Paul two months to find a job in Kentucky; if he fails, she wants to go back to Brazil with Pierre, sans Paul.
Karine is told she does have the capacity to go back and forth between Brazil and the U.S. "The problem is, what's the backlash if [Paul] doesn't agree?" the attorney asks, stating that Paul could bring her to family court.
"I will never stop Paul from seeing Pierre," Karine explains to the camera. "I just want the best for Pierre and if that means going back to Brazil, that's what I'm going to do."
Bouquet of Love
Angela and Michael shop for wedding floral arrangements. She tells the florist she wants the bouquet to have all the colors of her family's birthstones. While Michael is hesitant to increase the budget to accommodate Angela's wishes, she insists the flowers are especially symbolic because her mother, daughter, and six grandchildren can't be there.
"It's a happy moment, but my mom being really sick and all, I want them to know I have all of them here with me in my mind and my heart," Angela says through tears.
"I just want her to be happy. She's my wife-to-be, she's my queen," Michael responds.
After Asuelu's sister Tammy tried to fight Kalani, Asuelu and Kalani butted heads over how to handle his family. He heard her vent to her sister Kolini, and off-camera he stormed off from the rental house. Kalani opted to check into a hotel after Kolini left.
The next morning Kalani calls her mother. She asks if her mom had similar marital problems when she was younger, and Kalani's mother tries to comfort her. "Obviously you have to think about everything but you can't handle it all in one day," her mom says. "The first thing you need to do is get home, for the kids' sake."
"If I was on the outside looking in, I would tell myself to be done," an empathetic Kalani cries in a confessional. "But I feel like I have to stay."
Cat's out of the Bag
Jess arrives in Las Vegas, while Colt eats toast with his former lover and current roommate, Vanessa. He prepares to confess to Jess but is still hopeful that once she sees him, she'll just automatically forgive him. Sure, Colt, sure.
To set the mood, Colt suggests Jess meets him at a cat café. But to his surprise, she already knew half of what he was going to tell her. "How's your dick? You send pictures today?" Jess immediately asks him.
Apparently eight women reached out to Jess via social media to tell her that Colt had been sending nude photos morning, noon, and night during the past two weeks. Like a lunar calendar of dick pics, eight poor women have had to endure selfies of Colt's one-eyed snake. "While I was talking to these women online, I sent dick pics," he confirms to the camera, feigning embarrassment. "I'm ashamed of myself."
He tries to calm Jess down and invites her back to his house. "Stop playing with women. I'm no toy," she scolds him. Someone tell Larissa that!
Grapes of Wrath
Andrei takes Elizabeth's family to a winery. Of course he has to explain to Elizabeth's sister Jenn how winemaking works (no, you can't just stomp grapes and drink that wine on the same day), but he still keeps his cool.
Elizabeth's brother Charlie tries once again to pry into Andrei's past while on the bus to the winery. "I notice you do have a lot of pretty girls here [in Moldova], I did notice that," Charlie starts. "It seems like you have a lot of pretty girls here, but you got with an American girl."
"Do they have attitudes here or something, like the Russian girls?" Jenn adds.
"Like you? Yes," Andrei claps back.
Overall, though, the whole grape stomping trip turned out to be a success.
Threats & Hugs
Karine opens up to Paul about her meeting with the immigration attorney. A confused Paul asks why she even met with a lawyer. Karine explains that she wanted to know her rights, but he says she already knows them. "Everything comes from me and you're just going to take the baby and jump ship?" Paul panics. "That's messed up. As Pierre's father, I don't want him traveling without me."
Karine repeats that she wants to see her family again in Brazil and then literally says "f**k you" to Paul. "I will prosecute in Brazil and America. I can go to Brazilian court. This is very real," Paul threatens. She starts crying, and he hugs her.
Asuelu returns to Kalani's hotel room on Valentine's Day. The sad irony is not lost on her. They briefly discuss family alliances and marital roles before going to the airport to go back to Utah. Nothing is resolved.
"I let him in because when I opened the door he was on one knee with roses and balloons and saying that he was sorry and that he loved me," Kalani tells the camera. "And then when I let him in, we started fighting again. I'm grateful he showed up and he's going to help me get home, but other than that, I need a f**king break...I don't want to be married anymore."
Larissa and Eric go prematurely bra shopping for her "new twins" as he drools. She also shares that she wants liposuction after her breast implants and nose job. She points to a mannequin and says that she will stop doing surgery once she looks like the literal doll.
"Finally after two years I'm going to get my boobs done," Larissa gloats as Eric pays the bill.
Finish the Dance
Chuck, Charlie, and Jenn have a secret meeting with Andrei's friend Marcel. After multiple questions, Marcel finally explains why Andrei left Moldova for Ireland. As a Moldovan cop, Andrei had corruption charges against him.
"Even cops break laws here?" Jenn asks.
"Yeah," Marcel responds. Gee, Jenn, guess Moldova isn't too different from America after all. "He could get in trouble [if he stayed]. They could set him up...When you start dancing, you dance 'til the end. You cannot just fight with big people. Someone wanted to get rid of us and that's it."
Marcel urges them to speak with Andrei directly to learn more.
"Take It or Like It"
Angela's friend Jojo arrives in Nigeria a few days before the wedding. She'll later act as the American witness to Michael and Angela's nuptials.
Jojo, Angela, Michael, and Michael's friends head to the joint bachelor and bachelorette party. Like any proper bachelor night, the party takes place in a club. Angela makes Michael and his pals wear penis crowns, and they look like a tortured Statue of Liberty.
At the club, women are dancing on tables and poles, and Angela quickly becomes self-conscious. Michael doesn't even do anything, but suddenly Angela accuses him of watching another woman dance. "I don't want my man when I go out to pay attention to no one but me," she drunkenly tries to make sense. "Take it or like it, I don't care...I didn't go to this party to watch Michael watch p***y and a** when you ain't f**ked me but once."
Confessions of a Middle-Aged Cheater
Colt and Jess arrive back at the house, where Debbie welcomes them with awkward hugs. They all cheers to Jess' arrival, but after the pleasantries, Jess has had enough. "You're a really great actor. Hollywood needs Colt," she snaps. She continues to repeat the fact that he was sexting with eight other girls in addition to herself and even tries to show Debbie the photos.
"I've been bad to you. I'm sorry for hurting you," Colt apologizes after Debbie leaves the room. "I haven't been a very good boyfriend. So... Vanessa moved in a few weeks ago." And that's it! Why would Jess stay with Colt any longer? And why do we have to wait a week to see her expectedly explosive reaction?!
Paul randomly takes Karine to a "poop water facility," a.k.a. sewage plant, and in an equally s**tty situation, Kalani asks Asuelu to do couples therapy. Plus, Colt tries to prove to Jess that he really does love her, and Syngin's former roommates argue with Tania. Back in Moldova, Elizabeth's family confronts Andrei about why he really left the country. And finally, Jess meets with Larissa to ask for advice about Colt.
Thankfully it's all next week!
90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After?, Sundays, 8/7c, TLC