Best Lines on TV This Week: 'Huh. The Brunisher. That's actually not bad.'
It seems like the jokes—and some bullets—were flying through the air this week on TV with many shows showcasing their senses of humor as they bowed out for the final time this television season. As usual we did our best to chronicle some of the zaniest zingers and most poignant lines, so without further ado, here's our weekly round-up of best quips, quotes and quick bits of dialogue from the latest episodes.
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"SuperBrian? BrianPool? The Brunisher? Wolverian? Huh. The Brunisher. That's actually not bad."
—Brian (Jake Dorman) has fun coming up with his superhero monicker
"You're a hero, on or off the pill."
—Rebecca (Jennifer Carpenter) reassures Brian that he can save the day
Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Fitz: "As things progress with our, um… We should consider all variables as we move forward, because things are bound to get… complicated."
Simmons: "You mean once we have sex?"
—Jemma Simmons (Elizabeth Henstridge) surprises her lab partner with her bluntness
"Innovation’s the quickest way to a scientist’s heart."
—Jemma Simmons may have shared a way to win her affections
Fitz: "So, Simmons and I will pose as top-level geneticists looking to make a sale."
Mack: "Okay, but remember, this is a high-class establishment so you got to dress the part, which means no lab coats on this one."
Simmons: "Well, do you think scientists only wear lab coats? Are we wearing them now?"
Fitz: "Yeah. What, we walk around all day with goggles and gloves on, do we?"
—Fitz (Iain De Caestecker) and Simmons want to dispel any stereotypes regarding scientists
Simmons: "Are you comparing us sleeping together to crossing the event horizon?"
—Fitz has a way with words
“Life gives you Yemen, you need to make Yemen-ade.”
—Acting President Selina Meyer (Julia Louis Dreyfus) gets punny with foreign policy
"It’s not a stress pimple, it’s a pimple that erupted during a very stressful time."
—Selina is very clear about her skin problems
Amy: "You have a doctorate?"
Richard: "Actually two. Constitutional law and veterinary medicine which was my fallback."
—Amy (Anna Chlumsky) is surprised Richard (Sam Richardson) has any educational qualifications
Jonah: "She’s Uncle Dursley and she’s got the great wizard Harry Potter living under the staircase. Do you see that? But what happens in the Harry Potter books? He rises up and kills all the muggles."
Richard: "I don’t think that’s what happens."
—Jonah (Timothy Simmons) may not have actually read Harry Potter
Lucifer: "You looking for this?" [holds up his get out of hell free Pentecostal coin]
Lucifer: "I know a guy."
—Malcolm is shocked when Lucifer returns from the dead (and hell) with a little help from the Big Guy Upstairs
The Carmichael Show
— The Carmichael Show (@CarmichaelShow) April 25, 2016
Jane the Virgin
Jane: "It could spark a lifelong interest in zoology. Or African Studies!"
Michael: "That’s a lot to put on a rug, but sure."
—Jane (Gina Rodrigues) has high expectations for her son's future furniture
"Alas, knowing telenovela studies as I do, I’m a little worried."
—The Narrator (Anthony Mendes) knows his tropes
Friend: "Damn Daniel…"
Jane: "Back at it again with the vests!"
—Jane and her friend are up-to-date on the latest memes
"Remember, we want to capture Eleanor’s inner beauty… but on the outside."
—Rogelio de la Vega (Jaime Camil) talks Hollywood
Xo: I wouldn’t expect any preferential treatment.
Rogelio: Don’t be ridiculous! I’m a huge proponent of nepotism!
—Rogelio shares some of his business practices
"Who knew there was this crazy business helping people with their college essays? Are you kidding me? That’s like a fun Saturday!"
—Jane proves her innate nerdiness
"Why would I smile? I’m working."
—Anezka (Yael Grobglas) doesn’t get the concept of hospitality services
Last Week Tonight
"It is harder for a meerkat to get into Harvard Law School, than it is to get into that show."
—John Oliver stating the truth about Hamilton
"Apparently at least one doctor a day leaves Puerto Rico. That’s the attrition rate rivalling that of Grey’s Anatomy. How have so many of you died? You work in a hospital!"
—John Oliver has a few issues with a certain Shondaland show
"How can a place called Hell’s Kitchen be nicer than Queens?"
—The twins (Yasmine Al Massri) analyze potential neighborhoods to move into after graduation
"Career day? Could this feel more like high school?"
—Drew (Lenny Platt) is not a fan of this week's activity
Iris: "Hope you’re not afraid of heights."
Brandon: "No, just falling."
—Iris (Li Jun Li) and Brandon (Jacob Artist) get ready to repel down the side of a skyscraper as part of their test to join an elite unit
"I’m not waiting here like a damsel."
—Happy (Jadyn Wong) has a valid objection
"Two things that won’t help: self-hatred and booze. Tonight will have both, but don’t make either a habit."
—Cabe (Robert Patrick) dispenses some wise advice
“Your boys would rather spend 100 Chicago winters in a shelter than a lifetime without their mother.” #ChicagoMed
— Chicago Med (@NBCChicagoMed) April 27, 2016
Dr. Halstead’s new catch phrase: “Ginger never stayed down.” #ChicagoMed
— Chicago Med (@NBCChicagoMed) April 27, 2016
"Jesus Christ. He’s the CEO of the whole world. Have you heard of him?"
—Erlich Bachman (TJ Miller) name drops a little
Guard: "Are you an attorney here to see a client?"
Richard: "No. Actually I’m a client here to see my attorney."
—Richard (Thomas Middleditch) finds himself in another unexpected situation
School of Rock
Zack: [to Tomika] "Whoa! Cool new style!"
Lawrence: "Thanks Zack. I went with the superhero underwear today."
Freddy: "We can’t actually see your underwear..."
Lawrence: "You can see it my confidence strut."
—Lawrence (Aiden Miner) has a boost of self-confidence
"Well, it says here I was wrong. Lightning is actually frozen moisture colliding creating a static charge, and not as I’d previously stated, two angels in a fist fight."
—Dewey Finn (Tony Cavalero) might need to brush up on his science
"$100,000! How much is that?"
—Gene (Eugene Mirman) may not be doing well in math
"If last night is any indication, we’re living in the golden age of late-night talk shows."
—Gene shares his thoughts on the current state of television
Bob: "Why are you so good at throwing menus?"
Louise: "What do you think we do all day?!"
—Louise (Kristen Schaal) proves practice makes perfect
"Having a family like this is worth more than $100,000. Probably $200,00… $175,000 to $200,000.”
—Warren (guest star Chris Parnell) proves you can put a price on love (and family)
Gene: Bus station bathroom!
Louise: Maximum security prison.
Tina: Shoe store?
—The kids’ restaurant themes suggestions are quite… unorthodox
Linus: "That’s Coco Soo. She’s the biggest pop star in China. Ever."
Kirsten: "How do you know about her?"
Linus: "Forgive me for knowing about international pop culture."
—Linus (Ritesh Rajan) likes to stay on top of who's who
Fisher: "Hey, let me have a crack at it." [Folds back shirt sleeves.]
Maggie: [eyeing him.] "Fischer, we don’t work that way."
Fisher: "What? No. Sometimes a cop rolls his sleeves up because he wants his sleeves rolled up."
—Maggie (Salli Richardson) may have misjudged Fisher (Damon Dayoub)
Game of Thrones
Varys: "You walk like a rich person."
Tyrion: "You’ve spent a lot of time watching the way rich people walk."
Varys: "You walk as if the paving stones were your own personal property."
—Varys (Conleth Hill) tries to explain just what it is about Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) that makes him so memorable
Daario: "Sometimes I look at you and I think, ‘So that’s what I’ll be like when I grow old."
Jorah: "If you grow old."
—Jorah Mormont (Iain Glen) doesn't have very high hopes for Daario Neharis (Michael Huisman) long-term survival
Donnie: "Ali, we are not going to exhume the dead guy in our garage! That is a haywire plan."
Alison: "Donnie, my sister has a robot maggot in her face. You tell me what the solid plan is. Exactly. Now, go rent a jackhammer."
Donnie: "Maybe we should just buy one."
—Donnie (Kristian Bruun) might not have picked the best time to think about saving the family some money