‘Alaskan Bush People’ Episode 6: ‘Bear Meets Girl’ (RECAP)

On the new Alaskan Bush People episode “Bear Meets Girl” (January 15), when an ostrich lays its first egg, the Brown siblings rush to figure out how to incubate it. Bear gets a special visit from a girl on North Star Ranch as the family prepares for a surprise celebration for Billy and Ami’s 40th wedding anniversary.

We have arrived at the long-dreaded Raiv3n episode. If you’re not familiar with the sordid saga of Bear and Raiv3n, get caught up here:

It is August-ish 2019 on Brown Star Ranch. The ostriches are looking to kick ass and lay some eggs. Birdy and Gabe are excited about the first egg to drop, even though there was that other egg with its orange thing in there that Bear punched way back in Episode 2.

The ostriches will be pumping out ova at a rapid pace now, and the Browns will need an incubator to keep the eggs warm during their six weeks of gestation. The Browns will be getting an incubator delivered by friends from Texas, because the Browns have everything delivered by friends from Texas. They order pizza and it’s delivered by friends from Texas.

We can assume that friends from Texas are Bill and Margaret Fuller, who appear every so often to convince us that there are at least two people who don’t hate Billy’s guts.

Anyway, the next generation of ostriches represents another big step in Father Billy’s monthslong dream of a self-sustaining ranch that his kids have “all had since forever.”

It’s Mother Ami and Father Billy’s 40th wedding anniversary. At the time this episode was shot, Mother Ami was 55 years old. Do the math and you’ll be incredibly creeped out. Of course, if Billy hadn’t snatched young Amora Branson away from her family, we wouldn’t have their seven adorable offspring and this beloved TV show. Sigh.

The Brown kids will observe the occasion by putting on a fancy-pants dinner for Ma and Da. It will be a disaster. Right, Bam?

Noah is tasked with making a gift for Mother Ami. Noah has always preferred making crappy gifts for people instead of buying them something useful that they might actually like.

Noah decides to try out his blacksmithing skills and make a hoof knife out of some nails.

Noah must first build a forge for the fire that will heat the metal. This somehow requires the use of his dad’s tractor, which just three episodes ago was the tractor that She Who Will Not Be Named bought Noah for Fathers’ Day. But who needs stuff like continuity when you can just show Baby Elijah wearing protective earmuffs. Awww.

Noah says he’s dabbled in blacksmithing in the past, but this is the first time that he’s doing blacksmithing correctly.

After pounding a nail into a much flatter nail, Noah goes to his workshop to whittle a wooden handle for the hoof knife. He moves around his workshop via his electric motorized chair. Not only does it allow him to avoid exercise, but it also helps him fit right in at Wal-mart.

Bear is full of anticipation over Raiv3n coming to Brown Star Ranch for a visit. Bear and Raiv3n are just friends and they’re just going to do friend stuff and not have unprotected intercourse or anything like that.

Oh, Bear. You are a riddle wrapped up in an enigma wrapped up in a urine-soaked burlap sack. Bear hoped to keep Raiv3n’s visit on the down low, since he hopes to avoid embarrassment, because heaven forbid this jackass gets embarrassed.

Birdy, Rainy and Gabe are discussing who will be responsible for botching what at their parents’ anniversary dinner. The conversation shifts to Raiv3n showing up for her date with Bear, and Gabe starts fantasizing about Bear jumping on the back of Raiv3n’s motorcycle as “she pops a willy out of sight.”

Rainy is nosy and wants to find out what the real deal with Raiv3n is, so she visits Bear’s conex house to see where the magic happens. Rainy takes a ride on the Bammock. It’s a whole three feet off the floor, so she is terrified.

Rainy is excited for Bear to finally find a woman who will pretend to like him long enough to get on TV. After all, Bear’s the only one of her brothers who hasn’t yet settled down with a live human female.

If you didn’t know that Bam’s girlfriend is Allison Kagan, a former producer on ABP who has never been acknowledged as Bam’s girlfriend on the show, or that Matt is being supported by a sugar mama in California, you’re probably very confused. Of course, if you watch this show at all, you’re probably very confused.

Rainy asks if Bear will bring Raiv3n around to meet everyone in the family, and Bear throws shade at Noah and She Who Will Not Be Named.

Noah did bring She Who Will Not Be Named to Brownton Abbey way back when, and if I recall correctly, the Browns weren’t all that welcoming to her.

Meanwhile, family friends from Texas are still en route with the ostrich egg incubator, so Birdy and Gabe try to figure out what to do with the precious egg. Being the big dopey lug that he is, Gabe sits on the egg.

And that is why humans don’t lay eggs and your idea is terrible.

Finally, Raiv3n arrives. Bear takes Raiv3n for a cherry-picking excursion before thrusting her into the horrors of Brown Star Ranch.

Raiv3n and Bear have zero chemistry. The only thing that makes their interactions the least bit entertaining is deriving some sexual innuendo from everything they say. Try it. It’s kind of fun. Cherry-picking takes on a whole different world of meaning.

After the cherry-picking, Rainy invites Bear and Raiv3n over for goat yoga. Goat yoga is a real thing, or at least it was two years ago. I can’t keep up with all the latest woke millennial hipster crap.

The scene is quite ridiculous, and it’s just an excuse for Bear and Raiv3n to get weird with each other in the presence of goats. Bear thinks that Raiv3n is “down with the Brown way a little bit herself.”

After the goat yoga, it’s time for the manual labor. If Raiv3n is going to be Bear’s EXXXXTREME princess, she’s going to have to pretend to build things. That shed for the ostrich incubator needs to be built like Fake Urgency ASAP, so Raiv3n has to pitch in.

If you’re going to hop in the sack with one of the Browns, you’re going to get your hands dirty.

Taking a much-needed break from fake construction, Gabe lends Bear some advice on pitching woo. Marrying and impregnating the first woman who couldn’t run away fast enough makes Gabe something of an expert on matters of the heart.

There’s no better way to display your attractive traits to the female of the species than by strutting your stuff on the dance floor. Gabe fancies himself the Fred Astaire of the Bush, and he performs some very clumsy moves punctuated with Michael Jackson’s high-pitched “OW!”

Bear does some EXXXXTREME jig. Ladies, don’t even try to resist him!

It’s now time to completely ruin dinner for Billy and Mother Ami. Birdy, Rainy and Bear will be doing the cooking. The only thing the Browns kids know how to cook is the Brown family’s secret recipe for spaghetti, meatballs and dirt. You might remember that one Bushmas in California when the Browns made their spaghetti but then had fried chicken and oranges for dinner.

Rainy will be making the pasta from scratch, which seems like an unnecessarily tedious step given that Mother Ami’s Magic Bowl probably contains a bounty of dried pasta boxes with the brand name concealed. I’m no expert in Italian cuisine, but I am guessing that mixing, kneading, extruding and cutting fresh pasta is not something you want to do in dirt and filth. Chef Boyardee is rolling over in his grave.

Birdy is in charge of the meatballs, making sure to thoroughly fondle all the ingredients with hands that just finished tugging goat udders moments earlier.

The Browns are cool with their food being contaminated with dirt.

Birdy seems to be missing a ring, which is probably embedded somewhere in one of those nasty, overcooked globs of flesh. Oh, well. That’s just extra crunch and flavor.

Friends from Texas have delivered the ostrich egg incubator. Rainy and Birdy hop inside and act like preschoolers.

Bear and Raiv3n have enjoyed each other’s company today, so Bear is ready to pop the question. He asks Raiv3n if she’ll be his steady girlfriend and offers her a promise ring. Raiv3n can barely contain her laughter.

It’s not an engagement ring or anything. It’s more like a symbol of their “only having eyes for each other” and their willingness to recklessly fornicate despite Raiv3n’s preference for women. She accepts, because YOLO and she’s really into making poor life decisions.

In the interstitial segment, Rainy and Birdy are chatting sista-to-sista about Rainy milking one of Birdy’s cats.

Neither of them can deliver their lines with a straight face. I’d say they’ve both gone bonkers, but even they know how absurd this is. Birdy advises Rainy to “Just don’t go milking the male cats.” And we’re done here.

Time to drag Billy and Mother Ami from their comfy couch and remind them of their children’s failure. Bam informs his parents’ of tonight’s menu specials.

The dinner course will be followed by the pie course. Billy orders the chocolate pie. Unfortunately, some idiot forgot to get the chocolate pie. The incompetence!

Then Billy takes to harassing the wait staff, telling Gabe that he looks like a reject from the set of Magic Mike.

Gabe breaks a glass jar. No spaghetti is actually served or eaten. Mother Ami doesn’t get her hoof knife gift. Then Billy Bushakespeare puts the icing on this hot garbage cake with a little ditty he wrote for Mother Ami:

For 40 years, you’ve put up with me.
And a couple of times, I’ve put up with you.
How many thousands of miles we’ve walked side-by-side,
I wouldn’t have a clue.
We’ve walked over mountains, through heavy snow,
With temperatures in the minus and far below.
Never once did you turn away.
I’ll state loud and clear.
Not once in 40 years did I deserve the blessing of you.
Thank you, my dear lady blue
For giving me what God gave to you.

Just as Mother Ami and Billy celebrate 40 years of one very bizzaro marriage, they can also celebrate the beginning of Bear and Raiv3n’s totally wackadoo, skeevy relationship.

It’s time for this week’s edition of “That’s Matt!,” in which we take a social media look at Matt Brown’s sober adventures in Southern California.

Here we find Matt just chilling in sunny California. Life is good.

Amazing what getting away from your father and his dumpster fire of a TV show will do for you.

Join us next time for another edition of “That’s Matt!”

Alaskan Bush People, Wednesdays, 8/7c, Discovery Channel