‘Alaskan Bush People’ New Season Preview: A Grave Prognosis! (VIDEO)


Oh, hey, look: another Alaskan Bush People season.

In observance of our tradition, here’s the annotated Discovery Channel press release:


Wow. They sure used “new” a lot in that headline. It’s like when Discovery airs a rerun with 10 seconds of Lost Footage and they say it’s new just to screw with your DVR. We’ve reached the point in this series in which the Browns have to start creating new human beings just to keep the blue-haired feline enthusiasts tuning in. I fully expect this show to sink to new lows.

(Los Angeles) – The Brown family has been working tirelessly to ready North Star Ranch over the past year, embarking on a mission to build infrastructure and finally realize their legacy on the mountain.

Working tirelessly? More like procreating tirelessly, am I right? (I’m right.) There’s just been a whole lot of behind-the-scenes fornication going on over the summer. When Bear isn’t busy gettin’ bizzay, he spends most of his time taking selfies, temporarily quitting Instagram, playing with NERF guns, shooting a horror movie on his iPhone and shooting real firearms at random things in the dark.

Other tireless work on the mountain included getting bad tattoos, attending Elton John concerts, the occasional unlimited breadsticks dinner at Olive Garden, some stops at GameStop, and lots and lots of Walmart.

This season, spring descends on North Star Ranch, as the patriarch and matriarch of the clan, Billy and Ami, push the next generation of the Wolfpack, Bam, Bear, Gabe, Noah, Bird and Rain to strengthen their own footholds on the mountain to create a bigger, better, more sustainable version of Browntown.

SPRING IS RIGHT THERE!! “Spring descends” sounds unnecessarily ominous. For most of the world, spring is a welcome season, a time of rebirth and rejuvenation. But this is bass-ackwards Brown Star Ranch, where they celebrate the Fourth of July in November.

Billy and Mother Ami “push” the kids to do all the work while Billy sits in his trailer watching The Flintstones, occasionally interrupted by one of his sons announcing that he’s knocked someone up.

I like how they throw the “sustainable” buzzword around, like the Browns are some great environmentalists. There were already NINE of them in that family, and they keep making more. They consume a crap-ton of resources, and this doesn’t include their livestock. They leave a Godzilla-sized carbon footprint. Not to mention they’ve polluted the Discovery Channel lineup so badly, it will take decades for that toxic TV ecosystem to recover.

It shouldn’t surprise you that part of Brown Star Ranch’s sustainability efforts is building yet another freaking wind turbine. Prepare for sustainable boredom.

The Brown family’s quest to achieve their dream of a fully self-contained village is on the line in a brand-new season of ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE premiering Wednesday, December 4 at 8PM ET/PT on Discovery Channel.

I think Brown Star Ranch should be literally self-contained, like that Under the Dome book/show or The Simpsons Movie. Just put the Browns inside a giant, impenetrable glass bubble and see how long it takes before they all die of Marlboro and Dr. Pepper deficiency.

The homestead has a different dynamic this season with new wives and babies joining the family. Brothers Gabe and Noah are settling down with significant others and beginning their journeys as parents in the wild. Noah moves forward with his plans to build a home and bring Rhain Alisha and Baby Elijah back to the mountain while Gabe and Raquel [sic] prepare for a Bush wedding and the first granddaughter.

Do you think She Who Will Not Be Named and Raquell get along? I don’t imagine they’re very chummy. She Who Will Not Be Named is obnoxious and phony. Raquell has zero personality and doesn’t say much. I’d enjoy a subplot involving those two making catty remarks about each other.

Gabe and Raquell were legally married in January, but they staged a made-for-TV Bush wedding in June. Their daughter is close to being born. We’ll probably see her in some hastily shot and edited footage in the final 10 seconds of the season.

After meeting his ‘bush princess’, Bear begins dating which leads to big news of his own. With more mouths to feed than ever before and depleted resources, the Wolfpack is forced to create a much more self-sustainable mountain, with power and water connecting each individual dwellings.

Bear’s Bush Princess is Raiven Adams, henceforth referred to as Raiv3n around here. She’s a real piece of work and a real chip off the ol’ block. You can read all about Raiv3n and Mama Kassy playing Bear like a cheap fiddle. It would’ve been wonderful if Raiv3n had gone to all that trouble of getting impregnated by a moron just to discover all of her scenes on the show were cut out.

Just as the dream is within reach and each sibling has established his or her own distinct role in the community – father Billy is given a grave prognosis by doctors – his days may be numbered continuing his lifestyle.

BILLY BROWN SYNDROME! Billy spent a really long time in the hospital around Labor Day. The family mostly kept their fans in the dark about his condition, with Bear claiming that it was major surgery and other people saying he was just admitted for tests and observation. This guy really goes out of his way to avoid work.

Thumbing his nose at society, it’s live free or die as Billy doubles down on the dream; and the family comes together in a final frenzy before winter to build Billy, Ami, and the new mini-wolfpacks a communal home in the middle of the ranch.

Not only does Billy thumb his nose at society, he also thumbs his nose at lawfulness, truthfulness, compassion, generosity, hygiene, intelligence, manual labor, good parenting, quality television and the idea of nose-thumbing itself.

“Mini-wolfpacks” isn’t going to be a thing, is it? Because I’m gonna barf every time I hear that.

Fake Urgency rears its ugly head again. Just as quickly as we’ve gotten over SPRING IS RIGHT THERE!!, it’s time for WINTER IS RIGHT THERE!! Billy did get a permit to build an actual dwelling on his property, so we’re going to have to sit through more fake construction.

The Brown family will tackle new challenges like never before and every member of the Wolfpack must make valuable contributions to the homestead in order for the family to survive and thrive on the mountain.

Rainy’s already got her valuable contribution picked out.

Alaskan Bush People, Season 11ish Premiere, Wednesday, December 4, 8/7c, Discovery Channel