‘Alaskan Bush People’ Season 10 Finale: ‘The Big Push’ (RECAP)
In the Alaskan Bush People Season 10 finale episode “The Big Push” (September 8), the Brown siblings struggle to finish their ambitious homesites as the ground begins to freeze. Later, the Wolfpack gets the call that Rhain Alisha has gone into labor and races to the birth of baby Eli.
WINTER IS RIGHT … WHERE? What in the hell is going on? Last week the Browns were pretending to hurry up and finish things before winter. This week, winter is over, and the Browns have to hurry up and finish things before SPRING IS RIGHT THERE! We’re dealing with some half-assed alternate Bush Space-Time Continuum here.
Billy and Mother Ami are in the barn just gushing over the colt that was born in last week’s episode. I didn’t mention it in the recap, but the gestational period for horses is 11-12 months. Billy got the horses during the time of the canned pheasant hunt and feast, which supposedly took place after Thanksgiving. So either A) The Browns are really stupid and didn’t know they bought a very pregnant horse, or B) The pregnant mare is not one of the two horses that Billy purchased for Birdy and Rainy. The production likely borrowed a pregnant horse and filmed the birth.
Mother Ami thinks the colt should have a special name. This is the best she can come up with.
That’s just terrible, but still better than Merry Christmas Kathryn Raindrop Brown.
Meanwhile, the family is busy carving out their mountain paradigm [sic].
It’s finally time for the Brown siblings to achieve their independence by living on their overbearing father’s property and being financially shackled to him and his miserable TV show.
For Birdy, the top priority is fashioning a broom out of some branches so she can make her house nice and tidy for her seven cats. “I think every house needs a broom, to be honest,” she says.
She says “to be honest” as though this were something one would lie about. Is this some great revelation? Is broom possession a controversial subject? I am thinking about this too much, and it hurts the brain. Now I understand why Discovery Channel viewers don’t really think about stuff.
Youngest daughter Rainy is going to live in a trailer, which is a very realistic goal for her.
Rainy’s going to build a little “she shed” type of place that someone on the production crew saw on Pinterest. It will look something like this, only much sadder.
Gabe helps Rainy drive the trailer to her piece of land. It’s an incredibly long and pointless scene about Gabe driving too fast through the muddy roads and Rainy getting behind the wheel and taking things nice and slow. As we’ve seen before, Gabe gets really excited in the driver’s seat.
We now go to Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. It is here, more than 200 miles and four hours’ drive from Brown Star Ranch, that Noah and She Who Will Not Be Named have settled to give birth.
SPOILER ALERT! Elijah Connor Brown was born February 26, 2019. Noah and She Who Will Not Be Named were married in August 2018. You might be thinking that She Who Will Not Be Named got knocked up three months before the wedding, but, you know … Bush Space-Time Continuum.
The expectant parents are living in a hotel room. If you believe the show’s timeline, they’ve been renting this room for nearly three months. They’re catching up on important stuff like writing a blurred-out labor wish list. (There will be no Pitocin administered during the delivery. Neither of them has any idea what Pitocin is, but they insist on having none of it!)
They also test out the car seat on a very realistic looking doll. [DIGRESSION! I tested our first car seat using a Bart Simpson plush doll.] It looks like Noah and She Who Will Not Be Named have everything that new parents need, except for real jobs and health insurance and little stuff like that.
A great deal of this episode consists of the Browns telling us that Mother Ami likes to give birth in really creepy places.
This is the third or fourth different account of Rainy’s birth that the Browns have given us. They can’t even keep track of their own B.S. Here’s another good one.
And another.
What were the Brown kids’ childhoods like? “Imagine munchkins. Now throw them in leather jackets and 1980s hair styles and give them chains and bats,” Noah says. They haven’t changed a bit.
Back at Brown Star Ranch, Gabe and Birdy are busy cutting lumber for their various housing projects. There’s some Unnecessary Drama involving Gabe almost dropping a tree on himself and Birdy getting agitated about it.
Gabe then has to consult the Bureau of Bush Weights and Measures to determine how many Birdies of wood they need to cut.
Gabe says they need a lot of boards, which gets translated as “borage” by the closed captioners, who are the hardest-working people involved with this show.
Borage is “a herbaceous plant with bright blue flowers and hairy leaves, used medicinally and as a salad green.” It’s also rich in borophyll. Right?
Sorry. On to the next scene of Unnecessary Drama, which involves Bam and Bear hauling Haydite blocks up to Castle Ridge in an effort to start laying the foundation of Noah’s deathtrap. I don’t know why they’re suddenly calling these blocks Haydite — which is lighter than concrete — since the stuff they pulled out of the demolition site in last week’s episode looked like regular blocks, not fancy blocks. My brain is ouchy again.
Last week, Noah said he would need just over 300 blocks to build his castle. Someone did the math and determined it would actually require about 4,000 blocks. So the Browns should be done with this around Season 17-ish.
Bam is driving the Chevy Suburban with its trailer full of Haydite blocks. Bear is just being a pain in the ass. The Suburban gets to a point on the hill in which it just can’t take any more of this fake stuff and quits. Bear wants to get out and push, which sounds like an AWESOME and EXXXXTREME way to die.
Bam says the only way to get up the hill is to ditch some of the blocks on the side of the road and come back for them later. It looks like there are 32-ish blocks in the trailer and they unloaded about 12. At this pace, it will take them 125 trips to get 4,000 blocks up the hill. I’m sure they’ll show us EVERY FREAKIN’ ONE of them.
Up at Castle Ridge — I really need to come up with a more fitting name for this place — Gabe and the others are trying to lay down the castle’s foundation according to Noah’s plan. The ground is frozen, so they first have to start a bunch of fires to thaw the dirt. Then they have to drain the swamp from the snowmelt before they can level out the ground. As tedious as it is to do, it’s 20 times more tedious to watch.
They think they’re doing Noah and his family a favor, but it’s just a complete waste of time. Noah’s the kind of ingrate who will bitch about any little imperfection or deviation from his design, and he’s just going to make them tear it down and rebuild it anyway.
In an integral subplot, we find Bear washing his hair inside one of his shipping containers. He explains that when a hairbrush is unavailable, he combs his hair with a spork. Was the spork clean before this? Will the spork be cleaned after this? Why do I torture my mind with questions such as these?
Birdy is feeling wistful about there being another baby in the family. She reminisces about a time before little Rainy had Instagram, when Birdy had disturbing visions of her and Rainy still living together in the future with their husbands. Now that Rainy’s getting her own trailer, Birdy’s all alone with her seven cats and her sap.
Finally, it’s time for She Who Will Not Be Named to squeeze out a little Brownling. The suspense has been LITERALLY killing me. Noah has everything packed up and ready to go. Noah chooses to leave his weapons at the hotel, a decision he will surely regret.
Word gets to Brown Star Ranch that She Who Will Not Be Named is in labor.
The Browns (even Cupcake!) pile into their SUV. Bam makes the smart decision to drive separately, because spending four hours in a car with his family would be hell on earth.
All the Browns leave their weapons behind, a decision they will surely regret. “I don’t mind leaving my weapons because I am a weapon!” Bear says.
Thanks to Gabe for saying what we’re all thinking. I love how Bear doesn’t even realize he just got owned.
Mother Ami makes this episode’s second forced Wizard of Oz reference when she claims they’re following the Yellow Brick Road leading to their first grandbaby. I can’t wait to wake up in Kansas and find out Alaskan Bush People was just a poppy-induced hallucination.
Part of the reason the Brown kids are messed up is that they’ve witnessed Mother Ami give birth. Well, they weren’t actually seeing the crowning and the “business” going on down there, but still. Matt’s seen the most births of all of them, and look what happened to him.
At the hospital in Coeur d’Alene, She Who Will Not Be Named has been up all night with irregular contractions. At least she has her idiot husband with her to impart knowledge from his “extensive research” on childbirth and a woman’s pain threshold. (Did you know I can withstand 10% more Alaskan Bush People than the average human? It’s true!)
While the Browns are sitting in the hospital waiting room talking about how great the arrival of the first grandbaby is, I should remind you that Elijah isn’t Billy’s first grandbaby. Billy had two daughters from his first marriage. Remember Twila? Twila has two daughters. Sadly, one of them died in a truck accident at age 14. Twila’s other daughter seems like a lovely young woman. They are Billy’s flesh and blood, but he’s totally discounted them because they don’t fit into his Bush family fairy tale. Billy is just a garbage father.
Noah finally emerges from the delivery room and gives the news that little Elijah has arrived. Eli is a cutie. He even smiles, though we know that’s just gas or something. And Noah’s wearing his Bush smart watch again.
Yeah, I’m cynical about the Browns, but I’m not a heartless bastard. I wish nothing but health and happiness for young Elijah. I hope this is the last episode of Alaskan Bush People we’ll ever see and Elijah won’t have to grow up as a clown in his family’s three-ring circus. I’m almost certain that’s not going to happen.
I even have some happiness for Mother Ami, who I’m sure at some point during her cancer battle thought she wouldn’t be alive to see this day.
Spiel time! All the nice warm feels I just had for the Browns’ new arrival got wiped away by Billy’s self-important load of verbal feces.
I love how the show’s editors thought a scene about Rainy’s potty chair would fit nicely in the middle of Billy’s big, important season-ending sermon.
It’s like no matter how grandiose Billy thinks he and his show are, the whole enterprise is essentially just poop in a bucket in the corner of a trailer.
I have no doubt there will be another season of Alaskan Bush People. Ratings will continue to drop, but Park Slope will keep cutting corners and delivering shorter seasons to keep this show cheap and profitable for Discovery.
There’s still more Billy Brown Syndrome, more marriages, more grandbabies, more gold-diggers, more trips to Walmart, more livestock to rent and more things to fake build. There’s just always going to be … more.
It’s time for the season finale edition of “That’s Matt!,” in which we take a social media look at Matt’s sober offscreen adventures:
Matt posted a short video on Instagram of tree sap “turning into amber.” His claim didn’t appear to be scientifically sound, so I researched it. Amber is made from tree resin, not tree sap. Also, amber is the “fossilization of resin that takes millions of years,” so Matt will be waiting a long time for no amber. This video had nearly 21,000 views. Every single person, myself included, is now dumber for having seen it.
Alaskan Bush People, Sundays, 9/8c, Discovery Channel
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I love your recaps! I watch this show in grave disbelief that it is still on, then come and read your hilarious recaps! I cam glad I am not the only one perplexed by this show! I really think someone needs to step in and help Birdie & Bear. Birdie seems to be emotionally much younger than her actual age and Bear is just not all there. And now it seems he is to become a father! What a thought! I wonder how hollyier than though Billy Brown will spin that!
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haha just realized this puts my surname along with my first name I am in no way 'she who can not be named' lol
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These are all great recaps and Ryan, you are amazing at what you do. I don't even watch the show anymore, I just read your articel - so God bless you for being able to sit through a single episode. I am a viewer of shows like Mountain Men and other outdoor shows and have always thought it would be amazing to have a show where they watch ABP episodes and provide commentary - now I think THAT would be worth watching. I think what bugs me the most is when they try and do things that seem bush - like making a broom out of a tree branch or a hair brush out of a spork- only to then to be shown driving a front end loader or driving around in a Suburban. Their spork brush and branch broom are more elements of homelessness than bush survival. But you all know that. Maybe that is the direction the show is setting up for - what happens when ABP is cancelled and they are all forced to live on the streets "next on 'Banished Brown Brood', Billy teaches the family how to make a stew from a shoe and dumpster donuts." They would then sit down and eat the meal with a spork brush, of course...
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They go into town and buy things. One thing not worth making because it is super cheap to buy and much better, a broom.
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Think a comb would be pretty cheap also. Not sure what your saving using a spork.
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I actually bring a fine tooth comb on hikes where I might brush up against pine needles or what not. Every now and then I will give a quick combout just to make sure no ticks are catching a ride. A spork would not get that job done.
Bear has long hair and rolls around on the ground. He would have more ticks than a hunting dog.
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Possible Bear wears a flea and tick collar?
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Random rambling thoughts...
Rain getting her fake trailer house she will never live in (You hit it out of the park Ryan with the realistic goal comment) had me thinking about what under age kid gets their own house? I can't remember her age anymore but I think she would still be high school age. Have we ever once seen or even had a comment about them attending a school, being home schooled or anything about school work in any of these seasons? I hope behind the scenes something is happening with some skoolin. It is the law after all. These poor kids really never had a chance with parents like these.
I swear Birdie lives in my neighborhood. There is this person who is always walking their young puppy on a leash that looks exactly like Birdie. Always wearing the same clothes. I wanted to ask her if I could take a picture but couldn't figure out how that wasn't going to come across as completely creepy. I really wish a could share a pic though. Resemblance is amazing. Haven't seen her smile so snaggletooth is unknown.
The timeline and editing for ABP keeps going to new lows. Completely skipped winter, but that seems par for the course for the Browns. I think snow is their kryptonite.
I read that Bear and Raiven have called it quits. Whaaat!?!?!?!? No freaking way! It was only weeks ago she was saying how she couldn't imagine living without him and soul mates or something to that effect. That made me think way less of Raiven while knowing nothing about her. A few weeks of a relationship and your are proclaiming an undying love. Yawn. Raiven, are you 12? Have you ever dated there Raiven? I highly doubt Bear ever has but you should know better. She claimed that people on line were being mean and that was the main reason. Lol, yea right. Please let me step in and give you a little closer to the real reasons from Raiven's point of view... Bear was absolutely insufferable to be around for more than 5 minutes along with his creepy weird hillbilly family, there is no way I would every be caught dead in public hanging out with Bear let alone show him off to my friends, I never made the show, my mothers criminal record was exposed for all to see, my claim to being a "model" was a stretch at best, I was hoping for fame and tied myself to this laughingstock of a family and show and it was more damaging than helpful, and lastly and most importantly I was never going to make any money off this and cash in like I hoped. You keep blaming it on all the internet trolls there Raiven.
Noah and his castle idea is so hairbrained like everything that comes out of his mouth. It would take a ton more than 300 cinder blocks. Also you don't just stack blocks up like a child's wooden play blocks. You would put them together with mortar (takes time and skill), you would put metal rebar in the holes to reinforce them and lastly fill them with concrete. It is time consuming hard work that takes skill. The Browns posses none of that.
For goodness sake somebody please call Extreme Makeover for Ami.
The Browns do not need horses. We had two growing up and they are really expensive pets. The Browns aren't exactly going to be riding them to tend to their huge cattle herd. But money is never a worry on ABP. They have all kinds of vehicles, build houses, posses a lot of equipment, buy and sell boats and do it all with never once holding a job. Now that is the real amazing part of this show.
Smartest person on this whole show is Bam and we rarely ever see him around anymore. Smart man that Bam.
Noah always comes across as this holier than though good guy who professes chivalry when we ever saw him trying to date (mostly unsuccessfully). In reality he is doing a shotgun wedding because he knocked up a woman while out of wedlock.
"Nothing is going to stop the Browns"... except falling rating that will end in cancellation and dry up their only source of income which is a real problem as none of them seem to have jobs, education, skills or any real ambition. Other than that things look rosey there Billy. Maybe they can go back to theft.
Funny they all go running to see she who will not be named, who they seem to not like very much, to see her deliver a baby. It called any ideas for a story line to fill air time is getting pretty thin around here.
Ratings wise ABP was at 18th with and 18-49 of .24 and total viewers of 1.550 million viewers. ABP pretty much has stayed with these numbers for a few weeks now. All those being series lows so probably not good news. The vast majority of their audience was predictability 50+. I think ABP will live another day with shorter seasons and even crappier footage and stories to keep costs down as Ryan pointed out. But baring a miracle turnaround the end is probably near and I for one wouldn't be shocked if this was indeed the end. Raising Wild popped back into the top 50 with a #43 ranking, a .17 18-49 and 971,000 total viewers. Also mostly 50+ viewers. Not sure how or why the show would return. A poor mans ABP at best and ABP isn't exactly on fire.
If ABP does come back it will be interesting how they can continue to out dumb themselves. How low can this go? This is already an affront to intelligent thought. Guess it comes down to how many 50+ women with 10 cats continue on with this.
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We did see Rainy learn some Bush chemistry a long time ago. Mother Ami was making molecules out of sticks and rocks on the beach. But that's it. No formal education for Rainy, not even in real life. She's 16.
Raiv3n and her mom's plan to get onboard the Brown Gravy Train backfired big time.
I believe that Park Slope has already shot enough footage to throw together another short, sad season. One thing to keep an eye on: Billy has been in the hospital in Wenatchee for a really long time, supposedly for a heart condition. That's some severe Billy Brown Syndrome.
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I recall Ami making an atom, I thought, with sticks and stones at the beach. But I could be wrong.
I have very little to add to your recap, Ryan.
The mare that gave birth didn't look like the two horses arriving during the previous episode, for Bird and Rain. Marking on the first two horses had lots of white and brown on their bodies. The rental mare and foal did not.
I have taken a vow not to make fun of Bear any more. Doing so is like waiting outside the school to make fun of the kids on the Special Ed bus. Discovery should be ashamed of themselves for offering up Bear for mocking.
I agree that Park Slop probably has enough film in the can to continue the disjointed, strange story about the brownclowns. Continuity has long ago gone out the window.
A few episodes ago, they showed the Conex container tilted, but Bear, inside, on a level floor. Did Noah invent a Conex gyroscopic floor?
Finally, if you look closely at Ami kissing the newborn baby, you will see that Ami has a herpes lesion on her lower left lip.
That poor baby will suffer forever. And Ruthless Ruth will probably produce more children - a sobering thought. It won't be long when Ruth will weigh so much, she can get a job as fat lady in a freak show. Discovery might have such a show in development.
Just one more thing - there are two reasons to raise goats. To milk them or butcher them. The brownclowns have said they won't butcher the goats, so milk must be the reason to have them. But the goats have to be impregnated yearly so they continue to produce milk. (remember the rented cow at Browntown?) That makes it idiotic to band the billy goat. And why were they feeding the adult goats with baby bottles???
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Trusted sources have said that Bear has a learning disability. Don't know the type or severity. Obviously, ABP isn't going to reveal that or they'll be considered cruel for exploiting his condition for laughs. I'd be more sympathetic toward Bear if he didn't constantly make a fool of himself on social media.
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A lot of this show isn't funny, is cringe worthy and just sad. There speech impediments, learning disabilities and lack of education are all in that corner. Like Lakerman said, kind of like making fun of the kids on the short bus. On the other hand put yourself out there on a national TV show and it is going to happen.
I am sure Park Slope and the Browns would keep filming for the rest of eternity if it is up to them. All going to come down to when Discover says enough is enough. .24 18-49 is pretty low. At this point it is a race to the bottom of how cheaply can we film this and how much profit can Discovery squeeze out of the end of the toothpaste tube. Discovery would be smart to lower the Browns pay. Behind the scenes it might already be lowered since a "season" is about 5-6 episodes anymore. Not like the Browns are going to shop this to another network.
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Yeah, I wonder how these small season episode orders are affecting Billy's pocketbook.
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You may be correct. Discovery is running old video clips and calling it Bushcraft. a few words are added to make it new. I wonder how the brownclowns are paid for fake 'new' episodes.stuff.
I could see Billy and his clan turning their 'ranch' into a tourist attraction. so that loyal fans could visit, pose for photos and such stuff.
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I am guessing Gabe is a little sharper than they make him out to be on the show, the last season was pretty bad. He has to know what a gas pedal in a car is? Right?
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Now Raiven is pregnant with Bear's baby according to reports (wow is that image a horrible thought). They are staying split according to her and they are going to co-parent the child. Here is from her Instagram...
Moments after announcing she was pregnant, Adams told followers on her private Instagram page that Brown knew she was "100% gay" and they first hung out as friends. They dated to "see where it would go," but realized "we didn't agree on big topics in life."
"We didn't want the same things, and that being with a male wasn't right for me," Adams wrote. "To anyone who's straight or maybe even bisexual, that comment doesn't make very much sense. You think why couldn't I just make it work, or try harder or so on? It just doesn't work like that... and I was honest about that every day of our relationship. We gave it our best shot and as good of a friend, and relative."
She continued, "Bear wasn't very good at relationships, and mostly because he hadn't had one before me. And anyone who's dated 9/10 your first love is never your last, because you have to learn lessons in life. And learn lessons in relationships to become the person you need to be to be good in a relationship."
Ok, let me get this straight... You knew 100% you were gay, but decided to have sex with Bear and see where it would go, then you broke up, not because you are 100% gay but because you couldn't agree on big topics? OK, got it Raiven. Sweetie, you aren't the first or last young girl with famewhore hopes and dreams only to have them come crashing down on the rocks. But please try to make some kind of sense in your explanation that seems to keep changing. Next time try getting knocked up by an A list celebrity (or even a B) to cash in. Did you even watch the show there Raiven or after Bear said he was on TV all you heard was... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, I am on TV, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Did you really think that a guy combing his hair with a spork, living in a shipping container falling off the side of a hill in Washington, constantly rubs mud on himself, runs around like a 3 year old after downing a two liter bottle of Mountain Dew screaming EXTREME!!!, still lives with his mom, has no discernible education, skills or job prospects, will lose what little money he currently gets from Dads miserable TV show in short order, and generally acts like a person with an IQ of 58 was a great catch for you to get knocked up and cash in? Does Bear stand for Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise in some other language I am not aware of? Also, sorry, but Bear not being good at relationships seems like you were the only one that didn't realize that. Also maybe try to not say how Bear was your soul mate forever and you can't live without him AND get engaged just weeks ago when you do want to be with him. Kind of seems a bit wishy washy, but hey, that is just me. Also quit your non stop whinning about how people on the internet aren't nice. Which was a bigger mystery to you... people on the internet aren't nice or Bear wasn't dating material? Raiven has to be 12 years old.
And congrats to you Bear! You finally lost your virginity to an actual girl, except she is a lesbian "model" (I seriously can't even type that without laughing) with about as much going for her as you. So now with your ever dimming life prospects you get to try to raise a child and to pay child support. Maybe Raiven will trade out money for dead rotten salmon. I think not but give it a try.
Good gravy is there noting associated with the Browns that isn't a complete train wreck.
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No I don't watch this nonsense anymore. Had to laugh about the dire need to prepare for winter and then the show skips to spring is coming. Probably the reason they skip winter is the Browns in no way would spend a winter on there fake homestead. Just like in Alaska when winter came there was no one in Browntown. They were busy with trips to Hawaii and any other place it was warm. It's really hard to believe there would be another season but we've been saying that for years.
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This show defies all intelligent thought yet stays on the air. Amazing
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Another one bites the dust!! And another fine recap Ryan! I can't help but think someone at post editing said, "I have just the thing(clip) for a cliffhanger to closeout the season! It's Rainy sitting in a chair with a hole cut out to take a dump!
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