‘Alaskan Bush People’: ‘The Wolfpack vs. the Wolf’ (RECAP)
On the Alaskan Bush People episode “The Wolfpack vs. the Wolf” (August 11), the Browns raise their defenses after discovering a dangerous new predator stalking their ranch. Later, Bird works on the Birdhouse while Gabe constructs an apartment for him and Raquell in the family barn.
[DIGRESSION! I’m late with this recap because I took my family to — get this — Great Wolf Lodge. There’s a wave pool in the water park, and every time the waves got started, they piped in this howling noise through the speakers. I had to resist my natural instinct to flip the bird like I do to the screen every time the Browns howl. I don’t want to be that parent, at least not until my sons take up ice hockey.]
If you watched this episode hoping for some thrilling man vs. beast fight-to-the-death action between the Browns and a pack of wolves, then you were woefully disappointed. If you’re tuning in for some Bush interior decorating tips, then you’re in luck and also quite insane.
As you might have inferred from the title of this episode, that “dangerous new predator” threatening the Browns might possibly be a wolf. Even worse, it might be Bear’s new girlfriend.
By the end of the episode, the only thing we know for certain is that the Browns are being threatened by dwindling Nielsen ratings.
Gabe enters the scene expecting cookies. HA! The lark is on him! There are no cookies, only dirty dishes! He gets to work cleaning them with snow, sage brush (he assumes it’s sterile, but what does he know about sterility?) and his tongue. He notices a measuring cup has some food residue in it, and he shoves the unidentified glop into his maw. Ha! Take that, jerks!
Billy’s Grand Vision for Brown Star Ranch is proceeding in accordance with prophecy. His land is divided among his children. He wants his kids to enjoy freedom, so long as that freedom happens on his land and under his complete, autocratic control.
Gabe, who is engaged to be wed to Raquell, wants to build a home for them on Brown Star Ranch. But his dream of a log cabin will have to wait until spring, because WINTER IS RIGHT THERE and he doesn’t have enough time to construct it before the deep freeze hits. Raquell has been living comfortably below the mountain somewhere in Loomis, while Gabe has been ruggedly pretending to live in a teepee. It is time for Raquell to take that next step and pretend to live on Brown Star Ranch with her fiancé.
She Who Will Not Be Named calls for her missing cat and she sounds like a rototiller being dragged across the wing of a 747. I cringe just looking at this photo.
The cat has vanished. It’s probably looking for a way out like Mr. Chipmunk Cheeks did.
Meanwhile, back at EXXXXTREME Manor on Mount AWESOME, Bear is festooning his off-kilter conex home with all the essentials: guns, rugs and new-age wallpaper. Bear plans on adding more shipping containers to his conex compound in the near future, hopefully in time for the spring thaw and heavy rains to take his whole complex down the hill in a massive landslide. Wheeee!
Birdy acquired some salvaged lumber to use as siding on her Birdhouse home. Gabe and Rainy are helping her install it when they hear a howl in the distance. They’re not sure whether the howl is of Brown origin or from something else.
Really? You don’t say!
They somehow determine that it is a howl of distress and it’s coming from Noah’s territory. It is of particular concern because Noah’s wife is “heavily pregnant,” not to mention incredibly annoying.
Gabe, Rainy and Birdy rouse Noah from his important “work” and ask him about the howling. Noah says that She Who Will Not Be Named is home alone resting, and she is vulnerable to attack from both Fake Urgency and Unnecessary Drama.
Even though the Browns have mobile phones and smart watches and such, they prefer to howl in the event of an emergency. It’s more fun that way. It’s like, “Try to guess what awful thing is happening, where it’s happening and to whom it’s happening!” Hear three howls in quick succession?
Everyone scrambles to get in She Who Will Not Be Named’s Jeep and they haul ass down the snow-covered road. They arrive at Noah’s tent and discover that everything’s fine. She Who Will Not Be Named has not been devoured by wolves. A dingo did not eat her baby.
Cut to Gabe and his intended, Raquell. Gabe explains to Raquell that, alas, the log cabin thing is not going to happen. How about they live in the meat locker instead?
You’re right. That won’t do. How about the hayloft in the barn?
No, it will be fun! There will be amazing sounds and smells, and it will be nice and cozy once they seal the place off from the rats and cut shoot a hole through the floor so they can pee and poo on Brutus the bull. Plus, Raquell looks like the kind of girl who likes to scale ladders 10 times a day.
Birdy is concerned that a peacock is missing. There’s evidence of feathers and blood in the snow. Birdy is distressed, since she has a fondness for peacocks and would offer up her life to defend them, even though they’re just glammed-up pigeons.
Billy finally pries his buttocks off the couch and makes an appearance in this episode. Birdy tells Billy that there may be wolves out there trying to forever jeopardize the future of his months-long dream of building a sustainable ranch.
It’s Bush DEFCON 2 again, and the Browns are bringing out the guns in a show of force. Birdy cleans and oils her rifle, named “Butcher.” In the past, the Browns have used bacon grease and chicken fat to lubricate their firearms, but Birdy uses vegetable oil and a blanket for this job. Once finished, she will return the blanket to her bed.
With her trusty firearm at the ready, she is prepared to fend off any “suspicious characters” that may seek to harm goats Bambi, Ma’am, Mama, Coco, Crazy, Neo/Nemo, Lollipop, Howard, Sweetheart and Joe.
Birdy has a lot in common with the typical Alaskan Bush People fan.
Noah is the rootinest, tootinest, shootinest hombre West of the Pecos. He needs to sharpen up his quick-draw skills in case he ever has to show down at high noon against a wolf or a tree log. He requires a pistol that can pack some serious stopping power. That’s why he always chooses a .357 Magnum.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣, etc.
I find it particularly odd that this is one instance in which it might make sense for Noah to wear his spurs, yet I do not believe that they are on his heels. Anyway, Noah is a terrible shot, and he should probably leave the discharge of deadly weapons to his little sister.
Do you remember all the long, drawn-out scenes of the Browns trying to lift cargo onto their boat, the Integrity? There are flashbacks of that as Bam, Gabe, Birdy and Rainy struggle to hoist a wood-burning stove into Gabe’s Hayloft of Love.
Once that tedium is out of the way, then comes the task of creating a hole in the roof for the stove’s vent pipe. You might also recall the last time the Browns installed a wood-burning stove, they had a their peculiar method for creating a pilot hole. Yes, they shoot the roof.
Birdy steps right up as the next contestant on Shoot a Hole Through the Roof.
I know you were deeply concerned, so I’m relieved to inform you that She Who Will Not Be Named’s cat returned home after two-plus weeks of trying to become roadkill or coyote lunch. Better luck next time, kitty.
Gabe brings Raquell up to the Hayloft of Love for the big Trading Spaces-style reveal. OH MY GOD! I LOVE WHAT YOU’VE DONE WITH THE PLACE! Except this. What the hell is all this?
I like the design concept of hanging garbage on the walls as a distraction from the stench of the literal bullcrap emanating from the first-floor tenants.
Just what this place needs: more open flames.
Finally, Billy pontificates on his family togetherness (except Matt) nonsense while Birdy, Rainy and Gabe squeeze off a few rounds at a tree. And thank the Good Lord this is over … until next week.
It’s time now for another edition of “That’s Matt!,” in which we take a social media look at Matt’s sober offscreen adventures:
Matt recently took to Instagram to share a video of a stinging insect on the side mirror of his girlfriend’s vehicle parked at a gas station. Vastly more entertaining than anything seen on Alaskan Bush People.
Alaskan Bush People, Sundays at 9/8c, Discovery Channel
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G
I really thought your recap was excellent. I had some out loud laughter. Terrific!
As I stated on the previous episode comments, because somebody enjoys spending time with his family and making them happy more then entertaining us, I did tune in for all of about 2 minutes to this episode. So I now feel so included in the crowd. Actually it was completely ridiculous and I went back to watching commercials. But I don't think my timing could have been better. Second I hit the remote over to ABP there is howling! Good grief, I thought I was going to go into a coma from having horrible flashbacks. Of course Ryan stole my thunder on... they do have cell phones. I enjoyed Rain, who I think forgot her lines and uttered something to the effect of "Are those people or animals howling? Oh yea, that is people" . Lets try to keep up Rain with your two lines per week. They were building somebodies fake house when they got interrupted and the narrator was telling us that the wood came from the junkyard. The bottom joist board was obviously brand new. They all hop in the jeep and drive off to see who is fake dying because calling wouldn't be quicker or anything. There was snow on the ground. Which brings me to a group question. Has this show ever not been right before snow is going to come or has just fallen? I had to think about this and all the way back to season 1ish in Chitna they were getting snowed on to finish the cabin. We all joke about the constant fake winter is coming and we will starve to death angle. I honestly don't ever remember spring or early summer. Just late fall or early winter. Middle of winter has never happened because they are in Hawaii, Texas or maybe soon to be Arizona (Bob they are coming). Best I can remember this show has only happened right before snow.
I must say I laugh at the 30,000 foot view of this show and admire it all at the same time. They show up for a couple of weeks of filming in the late fall. Bang out some ridiculous story lines (calling this drivel story lines is probably being way too generous) that first year film students could do amazingly better. Chop it up and edit it and then stretch it out for two or three 5-6 episode seasons and then wash rinse and repeat. Practical everybody on the planet knows its fake. Nothing remotely interesting happens. It is the same basic story line repeated over and over and over (we must build a house, we need food because winter is almost here and we must be sustainable). Really, the redundancy is absolutely amazing. Has there been anything new in the last 5 years other than the kids figured out how to mate finally? I find their mates fit into the Brown clan perfectly BTW and that is saying something. A MENSA convention this is not. Billy use to meander around and lecture everybody all the time and then get sick once per season. He never lifted a finger to work but he was at least out there and seen. Now he sits in front of a backdrop that is suppose to look like a trailer, but is probably in Hawaii. He doesn't even appear in actual live shots outdoors with anybody or anything to do with the "ranch" (sorry for insulting you like that actual ranchers out there that work hard for a living). Yet somehow almost 2 million people still tune in. Really amazing stuff.
So here was the TV rating numbers, as I am THAT guy. 1.753 million people total tuned in and the coveted 18-49 was a .03 and that was good for 10th on the night. I think those are series lows (I know the .03 is). I noticed Serengeti as its lead in basically had the same numbers as ABP this week. So it fell a lot more than ABP did. 1.7 million is respectable but .03 is nudging into, Uh-oh territory IMO. The biggest group to watch this by far is 50+ and I bet that is mostly female. Not what advertisers are looking for.
Now onto my new fascination of the cockroach circling the toilet bowl after a flush right before it goes out of site... Raising Wild! Raising Wild finally made it into the top 50 for the Sunday night cable ratings at... 48. Lets hear it for Raising Wild folks! Clap Clap Clap. It had 968 thousand total viewers (not horrific although that means 50% of the ABP viewers tuned out and that is probably the shows target audience) and an 18-49 of .17... pretty much horrific. Most viewers were 50+. But on the bright side it is actually climbing. I would be amazingly surprised if this was renewed for season two. Not sure why America isn't clambering for more middle of Washington, few miles down the road from Wal-mart survival stories.
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G
I think the only time ABP truly stepped off the WINTER IS RIGHT THERE beaten-to-death path is when Mother Ami caught the cancer and they moved to L.A. Sunday 8/18's Raising Wild episode might be a previously unaired one, so I'm curious to see if it gets a bigger audience. BTW, I have an ABP ratings "study" in the works.
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G
Good catch on the Seattle and down to San Diego expedition. Forgot about that.
True on Raising Wild being reruns the fist two episodes. Surprised they got near a million total viewers. Some of the feedback from Serengeti wasn't that great despite Discovery's hyping it. So I can see why the lead in fell so much. On a noting to do with anything note... The Gordon Ramsey show on Nat Geo had as bad or worse ratings than Raising Wild despite them hyping it constantly (I watch Nat Geo a decent amount).
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B
David, a lotta things may be happening but one thing you can bet your bottom dollar on is that the WBP will be moving back to Alaska to once again regain their mantle of ABP. Billy is right now on Chiggerbiteof Island building a sturdy home, barn and various livestock pens due to wanting to be self reliant, have food and protection from the savage elements of Alaska winters. If timing is right series 674 episode 1 will show them making the wintery trek to Alaska.
And NO, the WBP are not moving to AZ so they can become that ABP.
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Arizona Bush People just rolls off he tongue.
I guess you haven't heard but I am pushing Trump to abandon southern wall in your area to keep illegals out to build a northern Alaska wall to keep the Browns out. Plus the Browns figured out Alaska is cold, and life can be hard. Now that they don't get free money from the state they have no interest in being here. Where they do have interest is nice warm Arizona and sitting around Bob's pool while you feed and house them.
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R
"If you're tuning in for some Bush interior decorating tips, then you're in luck and also quite insane." lol. I missed this episode, I did try to watch it, but I'm you keep us informed, it's much more entertaining this way.
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O
ugh! Another scene with fake teepee living. I thought they probably returned those to Cabelas. Not watching a single episode just reading the review it sounds like a bunch of short clips spliced together of total nonsense. I'm sure any wolf this side of Little Red Riding Hood could clean out Brown Star in a blink of an eye if it was near enough. It would be 10 times smarter than the inhabitants.
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B
Priceless as usual. We just had a big write up on our Wolf 🐺 Park
Lodge and indoor water play park constantly heated to 84 F and capable of feats that even our Dolphin park couldn’t pull off when we had dolphins in the desert 🌵.
The one thing I can’t believe you didn’t catch, maybe you were showing vacation pics to the neighbors over heaping bowls of wolverine stew, was Gabe following tracks in the snow; probably two marten, and stated that the tracks split to the left and right and therefore there must be two animals. Other than the jar of Nutella, some snow and one long tongue �
(ever so creepy when Gabe didn’t have the foggiest idea as to where the jar had been and in particular was that brown grudge really chocolate) the show lived up to expectations.
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Gabe is the same guy who licked mud off of a rock last season, so his eating brown stuff from random containers shouldn't surprise us. You're right: I did skip over Gabe's shrewd deduction that there must be two imaginary wolves. The Browns like to state the obvious and then make it seem like it took 30 years of Bush living to acquire this knowledge.
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G
Every ABP cliff hanger always comes to nothing.
This episode... Oh no! We are under attack by hungry predators including wolves. No wolf or predator is ever seen nor was anything touched. Oh no! Three howls for danger and somebody is dying. Ummm, not only did nothing happen, but Rhain wasn't even present, and there wasn't even an explanation of who or why the three howls happened. They just drop it like it never even happened. I don't know a cliff hanger that ANYTHING has EVER happened. You would think the viewer would eventualy catch on and maybe... get bored. Also in true ABP form it is the same tired old ones... Three shots or howls, somebody must be in big trouble or dying! Billy has a medical emergency... oh no! Maurading bears or wolves attacking the Browns camp with the viciousness of ISIS (we are show grainy night vision hunters cameras from stock footage as evidence)! Oh no... we have had a mechanical breakdown (RV, Intergity and other boats and various vehicles)! Oh, never mind... it was this loose wire over here that somehow came unplugged. All is good, Whew!
This show cares so little about everything it is really head shaking, but the constant repetitiveness is the really over the top part.
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