‘Alaskan Bush People’: ‘The Wolfpack vs. the Wolf’ (RECAP)

On the Alaskan Bush People episode “The Wolfpack vs. the Wolf” (August 11), the Browns raise their defenses after discovering a dangerous new predator stalking their ranch. Later, Bird works on the Birdhouse while Gabe constructs an apartment for him and Raquell in the family barn.

[DIGRESSION! I’m late with this recap because I took my family to — get this — Great Wolf Lodge. There’s a wave pool in the water park, and every time the waves got started, they piped in this howling noise through the speakers. I had to resist my natural instinct to flip the bird like I do to the screen every time the Browns howl. I don’t want to be that parent, at least not until my sons take up ice hockey.]

If you watched this episode hoping for some thrilling man vs. beast fight-to-the-death action between the Browns and a pack of wolves, then you were woefully disappointed. If you’re tuning in for some Bush interior decorating tips, then you’re in luck and also quite insane.

As you might have inferred from the title of this episode, that “dangerous new predator” threatening the Browns might possibly be a wolf. Even worse, it might be Bear’s new girlfriend.

By the end of the episode, the only thing we know for certain is that the Browns are being threatened by dwindling Nielsen ratings.

Gabe enters the scene expecting cookies. HA! The lark is on him! There are no cookies, only dirty dishes! He gets to work cleaning them with snow, sage brush (he assumes it’s sterile, but what does he know about sterility?) and his tongue. He notices a measuring cup has some food residue in it, and he shoves the unidentified glop into his maw. Ha! Take that, jerks!

Billy’s Grand Vision for Brown Star Ranch is proceeding in accordance with prophecy. His land is divided among his children. He wants his kids to enjoy freedom, so long as that freedom happens on his land and under his complete, autocratic control.

Gabe, who is engaged to be wed to Raquell, wants to build a home for them on Brown Star Ranch. But his dream of a log cabin will have to wait until spring, because WINTER IS RIGHT THERE and he doesn’t have enough time to construct it before the deep freeze hits. Raquell has been living comfortably below the mountain somewhere in Loomis, while Gabe has been ruggedly pretending to live in a teepee. It is time for Raquell to take that next step and pretend to live on Brown Star Ranch with her fiancé.

She Who Will Not Be Named calls for her missing cat and she sounds like a rototiller being dragged across the wing of a 747. I cringe just looking at this photo.

The cat has vanished. It’s probably looking for a way out like Mr. Chipmunk Cheeks did.

Meanwhile, back at EXXXXTREME Manor on Mount AWESOME, Bear is festooning his off-kilter conex home with all the essentials: guns, rugs and new-age wallpaper. Bear plans on adding more shipping containers to his conex compound in the near future, hopefully in time for the spring thaw and heavy rains to take his whole complex down the hill in a massive landslide. Wheeee!

Birdy acquired some salvaged lumber to use as siding on her Birdhouse home. Gabe and Rainy are helping her install it when they hear a howl in the distance. They’re not sure whether the howl is of Brown origin or from something else.

Really? You don’t say!

They somehow determine that it is a howl of distress and it’s coming from Noah’s territory. It is of particular concern because Noah’s wife is “heavily pregnant,” not to mention incredibly annoying.

Gabe, Rainy and Birdy rouse Noah from his important “work” and ask him about the howling. Noah says that She Who Will Not Be Named is home alone resting, and she is vulnerable to attack from both Fake Urgency and Unnecessary Drama.

Even though the Browns have mobile phones and smart watches and such, they prefer to howl in the event of an emergency. It’s more fun that way. It’s like, “Try to guess what awful thing is happening, where it’s happening and to whom it’s happening!” Hear three howls in quick succession?

Everyone scrambles to get in She Who Will Not Be Named’s Jeep and they haul ass down the snow-covered road. They arrive at Noah’s tent and discover that everything’s fine. She Who Will Not Be Named has not been devoured by wolves. A dingo did not eat her baby.

Cut to Gabe and his intended, Raquell. Gabe explains to Raquell that, alas, the log cabin thing is not going to happen. How about they live in the meat locker instead?

You’re right. That won’t do. How about the hayloft in the barn?

No, it will be fun! There will be amazing sounds and smells, and it will be nice and cozy once they seal the place off from the rats and cut shoot a hole through the floor so they can pee and poo on Brutus the bull. Plus, Raquell looks like the kind of girl who likes to scale ladders 10 times a day.

Birdy is concerned that a peacock is missing. There’s evidence of feathers and blood in the snow. Birdy is distressed, since she has a fondness for peacocks and would offer up her life to defend them, even though they’re just glammed-up pigeons.

Billy finally pries his buttocks off the couch and makes an appearance in this episode. Birdy tells Billy that there may be wolves out there trying to forever jeopardize the future of his months-long dream of building a sustainable ranch.

It’s Bush DEFCON 2 again, and the Browns are bringing out the guns in a show of force. Birdy cleans and oils her rifle, named “Butcher.” In the past, the Browns have used bacon grease and chicken fat to lubricate their firearms, but Birdy uses vegetable oil and a blanket for this job. Once finished, she will return the blanket to her bed.

With her trusty firearm at the ready, she is prepared to fend off any “suspicious characters” that may seek to harm goats Bambi, Ma’am, Mama, Coco, Crazy, Neo/Nemo, Lollipop, Howard, Sweetheart and Joe.

Birdy has a lot in common with the typical Alaskan Bush People fan.

Noah is the rootinest, tootinest, shootinest hombre West of the Pecos. He needs to sharpen up his quick-draw skills in case he ever has to show down at high noon against a wolf or a tree log. He requires a pistol that can pack some serious stopping power. That’s why he always chooses a .357 Magnum.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣, etc.

I find it particularly odd that this is one instance in which it might make sense for Noah to wear his spurs, yet I do not believe that they are on his heels. Anyway, Noah is a terrible shot, and he should probably leave the discharge of deadly weapons to his little sister.

Do you remember all the long, drawn-out scenes of the Browns trying to lift cargo onto their boat, the Integrity? There are flashbacks of that as Bam, Gabe, Birdy and Rainy struggle to hoist a wood-burning stove into Gabe’s Hayloft of Love.

Once that tedium is out of the way, then comes the task of creating a hole in the roof for the stove’s vent pipe. You might also recall the last time the Browns installed a wood-burning stove, they had a their peculiar method for creating a pilot hole. Yes, they shoot the roof.

Birdy steps right up as the next contestant on Shoot a Hole Through the Roof.

I know you were deeply concerned, so I’m relieved to inform you that She Who Will Not Be Named’s cat returned home after two-plus weeks of trying to become roadkill or coyote lunch. Better luck next time, kitty.

Gabe brings Raquell up to the Hayloft of Love for the big Trading Spaces-style reveal. OH MY GOD! I LOVE WHAT YOU’VE DONE WITH THE PLACE! Except this. What the hell is all this?

I like the design concept of hanging garbage on the walls as a distraction from the stench of the literal bullcrap emanating from the first-floor tenants.

Just what this place needs: more open flames.

Finally, Billy pontificates on his family togetherness (except Matt) nonsense while Birdy, Rainy and Gabe squeeze off a few rounds at a tree. And thank the Good Lord this is over … until next week.

It’s time now for another edition of “That’s Matt!,” in which we take a social media look at Matt’s sober offscreen adventures:

Matt recently took to Instagram to share a video of a stinging insect on the side mirror of his girlfriend’s vehicle parked at a gas station. Vastly more entertaining than anything seen on Alaskan Bush People.

Alaskan Bush People, Sundays at 9/8c, Discovery Channel