‘Alaskan Bush People’: ‘Beware the Bear-Crow’ (RECAP)
On the Alaskan Bush People episode “Beware the Bear-Crow” (March 17), as bold new predators encroach increasingly closer to the family’s ranch, the Browns devise inventive solutions to defend their livestock. Gabe’s long-distance girlfriend makes her first, long-anticipated visit to the mountain.
It’s late fall on Brown Star Ranch. All appears tranquil. But an ill wind blows through Northern Bushington. War is coming.
But first, let’s watch a ghoulish asshat go fishing for leeches with a dead animal heart.
Noah has a nice little aquarium with an ornamental skull inside it. Noah likes to keep creepy things as pets, which explains why he got married. ZING!
Bear is really getting antsy about the cougars in the area that occasionally show up at night on the production crew’s trail cams. Billy LITERALLY can’t afford to lose one single animal to a predator, so he issues a proclamation from his couch that all of this must be fixed, and fixed by someone other than him, because he is never leaving this couch again.
Birdy and Gabe arrive with coolers full of meat from the bison they shot in last week’s episode. The meat is sealed in plastic bags, probably vacuum sealed by the ranch where the Browns did their canned hunt. Noah’s meat locker, which keeps food fresh for up to 30 minutes, has been outfitted with some fancy shelving units. Gabe is really surprised with this meat locker. He was expecting more of a locker for meat.
Gabe is excited that his girlfriend, Raquell, is finally coming to visit Brown Star Ranch. He wants to look and smell his best. Gabe’s best is slightly above the average person’s worst, so it shouldn’t be too hard to accomplish. For Bush Cosmetology, Gabe makes an appointment with Bear, the family’s most vain member. Bear goes around collecting dirt, grasses, pine needles, slime and eggs, and then proceeds to slather all this into Gabe’s hair.
Only on Alaskan Bush People could filth improve a man’s appearance.
Noah and Bear are developing another silly predator deterrent. You’ll recall that in Brownton Abbey, Noah rigged up some police lights that were supposed to frighten off bears. How’d that work out again?
But this new thing is going to be so much better! They’re making a “Bear-Crow.” If that sounds familiar, they also made a low-tech Bear-Crow back in Brownton Abbey:
Bear-Crow 2.0 is going to have a few upgrades. It’s designed to “raise up and go ‘AAHH!'” when it senses motion, as Noah demonstrates below.
The Bear-Crow is actually just an animatronic Halloween decoration that has been modified and dressed to look like Bear.
Raquell has finally arrived at Brown Star Ranch, and Gabe is introducing her to the fake Bush lifestyle. Raquell is originally from Minnesota, and she became friends with Rainy while the Browns were exiled to Southern California. Gabe claims that he’s been dating Raquell for a year, and they’ve kept the long-distance thing going since the Browns moved to Bushington. (SPOILER ALERT! They got married in January.)
Like a lot of the fake dates the Brown boys used to bring to Brownton Abbey, Raquell is entranced by the Bush. Unlike the fake dates of the past, Raquell will be sticking around.
Raquell doesn’t seem like a very outdoorsy person. She asks Gabe if he likes “long walks to the fridge at midnight like I do.”
Um, yeah. Not going to touch that one.
Meanwhile, Bam is working hard on his parcel of land. He has big plans to build a big, beautiful wall around his property…and get Birdy to pay for it! He starts staking out his territory.
But there is a border dispute. Bam is encroaching on Birdy’s sovereign territory. He has violated the Bush Code by moving the Mr. Chipmunk Cheeks memorial sign! This aggression will not stand!
Mr. Chipmunk Cheeks was Birdy’s cat, who arrived at Brown Star Ranch and was immediately run over by a car. They buried Chippy in a plastic storage tub, and they named this dirt road in his honor.
Birdy assembles an emergency session of the Council of Browns, though she doesn’t invite Bam to have a say in his defense. Billy, the one person who could settle this immediately, ain’t getting off the couch for this B.S.
This sham Council of Browns is forming a coalition to stop the expansion of Bam’s empire. There is talk of using cannons and trebuchets to dislodge Bam from the disputed zone by force. Noah recommends a duel with swords.
It’s decided that more time must be allowed for diplomacy to work. Good thing, too, because Bam would slay every one of them.
The time as come for Raquell to withstand the trials. If she can survive the first ordeal with Bear, then she has proved her EXXXXTREMENESS.
Eh. Maybe not those tests. How about starting fires? They do that in Minnesota, right?
Bear seems pleased. Raquell passes the trial by fire. She also passes the travail of the canned meat. There remains just one more test.
The Bear-Crow 2.0 project is progressing, though initial field testing revealed that the motion sensor did not possess the range necessary to make the Bear-Crow raise up and go ‘AAHH!’ This sends Noah back to his laboratory to make some alterations.
You see, Noah’s watched a lot of old movies and has read a lot of books, and therefore he’s qualified to perform “surgery and whatnot.” Fortunately, the Bear-Crow is not a living, breathing life form, and surgery in this case is installing a rumble device from an old video game controller and a “voice box” with a recording of Bear yelling. She Who Will Not Be Named assists Noah in the operation, and she’s on camera just long enough to give me the willies.
That is inappropriate workplace behavior! Harassment! Notify HR! #MeToo!
Anyway, the surgery was a success. Not only will the Bear-Crow frighten away cougars from a longer distance, it will allow Noah to cheat and use the carpool lane on the Mr. Chipmunk Cheeks Memorial Freeway.
Noah and Bear complete the Bear-Crow installation just outside the barn’s door. The Bear-Crow has one of the most important jobs on Brown Star Ranch, and all it has to do is sit there. It’s already accomplished more on the ranch than Billy has.
Noah has plans to place more Bear-Crows at strategic spots throughout Brown Star Ranch. I can’t wait until a Bear-Crow frightens Brutus the bull and he just lays waste to the entire ranch.
Birdy is going to retaliate against Bam for desecrating her dead cat’s memorial. She fiendishly dupes Gabe into helping her relocate all of Bam’s beehives. Birdy’s reasoning is that the beehives are too close to Mother Ami’s trailer and they’ll pester her while she’s sitting outside drinking her iced tea. There’s also the chance that the hives could attract a bear. Birdy thinks that the hives should be moved from neutral territory to Bam’s parcel of land, and it should be done without consulting him.
They skip over telling us about how Birdy and Gabe sealed up the hives without getting stung to death like Macaulay Culkin in My Girl. Birdy says the bees are “sleeping,” but I call B.S. on that. I don’t think there are any bees in there. The footage of bees that we see is probably taken from last season.
Gabe and Birdy are unloading the hives onto Bam’s land when Bam just happens to drive past, and he’s like:
Bam confronts Birdy and Gabe, and I fully expect him to absolutely ballistic. Instead, he just walks away in a huff. But you know he’s plotting some serious revenge. Birdy may have won this battle, but the war has just begun.
The time has come for Raquell to face the ultimate test. She must “meet” Billy and Mother Ami. Of course, since Raquell is Rainy’s friend and they hung out together in L.A., I’m pretty sure Raquell met Billy and Mother Ami long ago. But lets just go through this rigmarole for the sake of the viewers at home.
Raquell is nervous because she’s heard that Billy and Mother Ami shoot guns and stuff. But the meeting goes well. Billy is happy that Raquell likes to go fishing. Mother Ami asks Raquell if she’s a God-fearing woman. Raquell replies that she is. That’s good enough for Mother Ami. After all, Billy taught her everything she knows about being “genuine and true.”
Some time later, Gabe visits Billy and Mother Ami in the trailer. Gabe says things are going very well with Raquell. She likes it at Brown Star Ranch, and she’s stayed longer than she expected. Billy says that he’s noticed Raquell is still there, even though his ass hasn’t left the couch in three days. Then Gabe says that he and Raquell are getting married.
Billy and Mother Ami are surprised (or they pretend to be). They ask Gabe if Raquell is cool with producing grandbabies. Gabe says that she is. Raquell has passed the final test. She is now property of Brown Star Ranch.
I wonder when it will come up on the show that Raquell already has two kids.
Next week: Billy Brown Syndrome returns!
And now it’s time for this week’s episode of “That’s Matt!,” in which we take a social media look at Matt’s sober adventures in California. Last week, Matt enjoyed coffee brewed with a French press.
Sure as hell beats filtering coffee through your sock, eh?
Join us next week for another installment of “That’s Matt!”
Alaskan Bush People, Sundays, 10/9c, Discovery Channel
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R
Next week, I’d like to see Bear demonstrate extreme base-jumping using that buffalo hide as a parachute.
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R
I feel like Bear-crow might be the best new character, just sits there silent. Poor Mr. Chippy, disrespected even in memory. I'm really scared to ask about Mr. Cupcakes. That's my true fear right now. These kooks can't hardly care for their own sanity, I don't trust them with a dog's welfare.
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G
There is definite concern for Cupcake and why we don't see him much any more! But at least Noah cares for the leeches.
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O
Ryan, are the scenes with Billy and Ami shot off sight in a studio. Holy cow there always sitting on that little couch. I don’t think bear-crow will scare mt lions away they’ll just find another way to the live stock. Some ranchers say you need to run a mt lion about 5 miles off your property to keep it from livestock. What a complete phony job this show is an hour of foolishness.
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G
I'm sure real ranchers have many methods of deterring predators from their herds. I'm sure none of those methods involve Bear-Crows.
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G
Opening scene and Noah is catching leeches (if it is a big piece of meat that attracts them then you should have just jumped in Noah). Noah tells us they will be lab pets because people don’t mess with someone who scares them. That is why people stay away from Noah.
We are told they are back from last week’s ambitious hunt. They have a different meaning of the word ambitious then the rest of us.
Noah’s meat locker has no roofing material on the plywood on so it should stay nice and moist in rainy and snowy Washington. Might keep down on the dusty mine air. I noticed the meat looks freezer packed (might have been books for all we can see). The day after they return from the hunt, the Buffalo has not only been cut up and processed but also freezer packed. Boy that rancher works quick.
Billy is just a voice over and interview at this part of the show. He foreshadows the predator storyline to come. Cougars are very quiet animals. The Browns cougars must have cow bells on them because when they get even close the Browns hear them. Then Billy must again explain everything to us on the predators because we couldn’t follow the whole predator storyline. A Billy staple.
Not sure Bear should oversee how Gabe smells for his date as he seems to be horrible with women. Bear tell us he learned to make shampoo and conditioner a long time ago. Well of course he did! In the frozen Alaskan Bush, we are overwhelmed with all kind of exotic lush plants and such. Ok there Paul Mitchell. Bear is a heck of a stylist. Nice pot for a mirror. Must be bush equipment. Later in the episode I am sure they will take credit for the moon landing.
Next scene in the barn Gabe tells us the strategy is to be really quiet as to not scare the predator off. Right… much better to startle them and get mauled. Great plan there Daniel Boone. Gabe calls it a Crugar (I am not going to make fun of their speech any longer. It is mean and sad all at the same time). Why do Gabe and Bear where these low-cut front V’s like they are New York Italian? With some hair gel, chains and fake orange tans it is Guido Bush lifestyle.
These fake night vison scenes show how little ABP have for any kind of real drama. All four are doing watch. Love the barn door being wide open. Birdie tells us running a ranch isn’t easy. Sounds like must have had a good chat with a real rancher. Birdie, your fake running a quite small petting zoo at best.
Gabe’s main concern is he hopes Raquel’s likes men. She has two kids so there is a pretty good chance of that. But if somebody could get a girl to change teams it would be one of the Brown boys. Gabe is really hoping she likes living in the bush. You don’t live in the bush so don’t fret too much over that one. Raquel says long walks to the fridge are her normal routine (seriously, Raquel… you are going to just toss me softballs like that?). We never see her arrival, she is just suddenly there. Nice transition there. Don’t forget folks… three writers this year. She tells us within one minute of appearing on screen she likes it here. Well that is too bad Raquel, because the Browns don’t live here. Being that we already know they are married this a terribly awkward scene that is completely unnecessary. Like the entire ABP show is. Gabe wants to move her up here. Things are moving pretty fast for her first two minutes on the clown ranch. Then Gabe tells us when you find a golden nugget in the bush you don’t let it go and look for another one. Hmmm, that is EXACTLY the opposite of how gold mining works there Gabe. If that were the case Gold Rush would be a one-episode season. Which has me thinking any of these pansies wouldn’t last 2 minutes having to do hard work on a gold mine. Raquel tells us that Gabe has grown up in the bush. Shows exactly how little she knows Gabe. Good gravy Raquel is now howling like the rest of these lunatics. Guess we lost another poor soul.
Birdie tells us Chipys road sign has been moved from ONE of their roads. Like it is a virtual interstate highway system up there. Seriously, there are not one, but THREE writers to come up with this crap. We have this land dispute now. Funny how I haven’t seen a single surveyor up there.
We have the council of idiots without Bam meeting up. Bam is the only one that is like “this is mine don’t touch it” Birdie tells the group. Well Bam seems like the only one in this entire show that ever gets off his dead ass and even appears to do actual work that would be necessary to survive. Noah must come up with a solution to stop Bam (Please say duel with pistols, please say duel with pistols). Ahh crud… it was duel, but with swords. Well wait a second, that could work also. Gabe doesn’t think that should duel but do something diplomatic. Let’s not rush to judgement there Gabe. Maybe we should let this play out.
The next day we are told that Gabe invited Raquel back up from where she was staying in Loomis. Yes, we assumed that she was staying in your hotel room in Loomis Gabe. We already know nobody stays in Teepees. Oh great, Bear is going to grill Raquel. This ought to be good. Gabe tells us that Raquel is his girlfriend when ten minutes ago he wasn’t sure she liked men. ABP has stopped even trying to get things straight in any order. Bear says he must test her knowledge of the woods to see if she is a city girl. Even thought she told us she grew up outside of Minneapolis.
So Bear and Raquel have a fire starting contest. They no sooner sit down, and Gabe starts to say “ladies and gentlemen start your fires” then we see smoke coming up in front of Gabe. Seriously, is there one person on this production crew that even gives a rats ass about this abomination? We learn that canned meat was a staple growing up. Wow. Didn’t realize that the Alaskan Bush had Spam factories out there when they had no contact with civilization for 30 years. Raquel likes her canned meat so she is going to fit in nicely. Seems important to Gabe his woman likes canned meat. Sigh… such a high bar to be accepted into the Browns. Mensa need not apply.
Noah says that him and Rhain have assumed that of doctor and nurse working on Bearcrow. OK, wait a minute there Berenz! I have watched a lot of horrible television following along your awesome recaps over the years. Way more than anybody should have to endure. But if this turns into Noah ABP porn… that is it! I am out! There are limits here, and that has to be going against the Geneva Convention or something. Noah claims to have read a ton of surgical books. Ummm, yea. Sure Noah. He asks Rhain what time she gets off. Berenz, we are getting really close to the line here. He tells us that Rhain loves helping out and pulling her weight. That is a lot to pull… Bada Bing!
Gabe and Raquel pretend to meet Billy and Ami in their trailer. Notice we haven’t seen one shot of either parent in any scene except in an interview. Heck the trailer is probably down in Las Vegas if we could ever see out of the windows. They are conveniently sitting on the couch like they always are. Here come the parent questions for Raquel. Does she like to fish? After she says yes, Billy says that is good enough for him. Wow, that was a high bar. Also know as… if you can stand to be with our weirdo children for more than 10 minutes without slitting your wrists, then you are in! I know these aren’t real actors, but it is really amazing how canned and awkward any of these scripted scenes are. Billy warns Raquel that once Gabe hangs on it is hard to have him let go. Well that didn’t sound creepy in the least.
Birdie relocates Bam’s bees, sort of. I noticed there is no bee activity, even when she takes the screens out. Then she just haphazardly stacks them after she moves them. That can’t be disruptive to the bees or anything. She claims they are right next to Mom and Dad’s trailer although there is zero evidence of that. Of course, Mom and Dad live in town, so who cares. Please let this episode be over soon. Blah! We finally see a shot of bee activity, but it was obviously a different time when it was shot. I must admit that when Bam is coming down the hill to confront Birdie, he looked pretty pissed and angry. Maybe he will knock that tooth of hers straight.
At this point I am pretty sick of this whole Bearcrow and its utter stupidity. Rain acts like she is going to cry when it goes off. Birdie tells us that she will miss sleeping in the barn keeping watch. It reminds her of when they were kids. Folks, I have never in my entire life seen a barn out in the wilds of Alaska. A primitive shed… maybe. I also noticed that Rain doesn’t even speak anymore. She couldn’t even get out of the tent to fake walk around for the fake Buffalo hunt last week. I think you can count another Brown that is way over this. Now she can concentrate on her failed social media career. If you think about it, she is a minor so Billy controls her money. Probably nothing in it for her anyway. So why make a mockery out of yourself for free.
Billy closes this out with his speech where everything is kumbaya and so great. He tells us about how their personal goals shouldn’t clash with family goals. Unless that goal is continually lying to America about your completely fabricated bullcrap show, I think the list of goals is pretty short. I am sure Billy’s list is… get up out of bed (check), somebody feed me (check), cash my Discovery checks (check), ummm… well that is pretty much the list.
Gabe is back for another talk. Billy doesn’t have any idea what he wants to talk about. I am sure you don’t as your lazy ass hasn’t gotten out of that couch one time this episode, and barely all season. Anybody notice how twitchy and fidget Ami is every time on camera now? I find it unsettling. I think it is just her horrendous fake acting. I swear the Browns go to move now is somebody says anything, and they all have to fake nervous laughter. Now apparently Raquel was supposed to have left but now is wanting to stay. So much for taking care of her two current kids she has back at home. After much stammering, he finally tells mom and dad he is getting married. Makes perfect sense since in this timeline it has been like a whopping two days. Definitely time.
In upcoming scenes, we see Billy back at the doctors. Well of course he is… we haven’t gone to that tired old story line yet and it is going to be the 4th episode. Seriously Billy, you don’t have to fake going to the doctors to get out of work anymore. Even the ABP super fans have to realize that you are the laziest person on the planet. Apparently without Billy the kids are going to have to work hard to keep the dream alive. Yea, right. What would life be like not having to go feed him in the trailer every 3 hours. We are halfway through this season and it feels like it has been an eternity.
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G
The idea that the trailer is in Las Vegas is freakin' brilliant!
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G
I asked my buddy about moving the bees. He says it's cool and farmers do it all the time, relocating hives closer to the crops they want pollinated.
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O
You really covered all the low spots really, really well considering the amount of low spots they put in the "show!" You made me say HaHa with this observation, "Noah likes to keep creepy things as pets, which explains why he got married." I couldn't believe what my TV said when Noah dropped this little bomb, "I've read a ton of medical books," while he proceeds to play doctor on 'Bear-Crow!'
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G
Noah's watched a lot of old movies, too.
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C
Do you like long walks to the fridge? Ryan...um, not touching that..spit my beer out funny. This recap was hillarious. A war over a road named after a dead cat, and on and on, the show writer has a vivid imagination or these folks are more whacked out than i realized (and I’ve seen bear go rocky balboa on fish among other things)
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B
Ryan, excellent recap as without I would have been totally in the dark about Raquel having two kids. Maybe it came at the end as I switch over to watch John Oliver on HBO. Funny how Discumery overlaps their shows which doesn’t reflect on their part that most of us get our most info from your recaps. One question, wouldn’t Chipy be spelled Chippy?
C ya.
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G
Yes, Raquel has two kids with two different fathers. Gabe and her kids supposedly get along very well. But I'm almost certain we'll never find evidence of them on the show. The good folks at Alaskan Bush People Exposed have done their homework.
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