‘Alaskan Bush People’: ‘The Buffalo Trail’ (RECAP)
On the Alaskan Bush People episode “The Buffalo Trail” (March 10), the Wolfpack seizes an opportunity to stockpile meat with their first ever buffalo hunt. Brothers Noah and Bam are left to build a mine-cooled meat locker and keep the ranch running in anticipation of the family’s return.
After much hullabaloo, the bison-hunting episode is here. Let us commence with the recapping.
Bear and Gabe go out on the Brown Star Ranch property to scout locations for Bear’s future “treehouse castle,” but mostly it’s just an excuse for Bear to show off his ridiculous red trench coat sans shirt ensemble.
Back at the ranch, Billy is just tickled to death with Brutus, their new Longhorn bull, and the Longhorn cows they bought in last week’s episode. The problem is that Brutus and the cows can’t have sex and reproduce fast enough to provide Billy with the meat they so desperately need before winter, which, by the way, IS RIGHT THERE!!
But Billy knows of a guy (Read: The producers Googled him) in Idaho who has bison on a ranch. The rancher sure could use someone to come out and shoot one of the useless male bison to cull the herd. The Browns get to kill something for our entertainment, the rancher gets one less animal to deal with and the bison get, um…shot. Everyone wins!
To prepare for the hunt, Bam, Birdy and Rainy go out for some target practice and a shootin’ competition to see who gets to kill the large, majestic animal. They paint up a bunch of plywood targets to look like bison.
Is that supposed to be a bison calf underneath? And what’s with the udders? If they’re hunting male bison, does this mean that those are its genitals? God, I hate this show.
This painting is even worse, if you can imagine that being possible. Why does the bison look like Snidely Whiplash? Did I mention I hate this show? Anyway, Rainy wins at the target practice. Bam wins the art contest.
In the same manner Billy brought a Longhorn bull onto Brown Star Ranch before having any plan or infrastructure in place to contain said bull, Billy is going to bring a ton of meat home without any means of preserving or freezing it. It falls on Noah to solve this week’s Fake Urgency problem by constructing a meat locker.
There are supposedly old abandoned mines on Brown Star Ranch. Noah’s plan is to build the meat locker on top of a mineshaft and use a motorized fan to blow cold air from the mine into the meat locker. I do not see how this setup can create a consistent temperature low enough to safely refrigerate meat for even a few hours, let alone the weeks or months that it would take for the Browns to consume 2,000 pounds of bison meat.
Noah goes out to a junkyard to buy some fans, one for drawing cold air from the mine into the meat locker and the other for inevitably blowing the stench of rotting meat out of the shack.
The proprietor of this junkyard is a fellow named Rory. The good folks at Alaskan Bush People Exposed have done their homework again, and they’ve discovered that Rory is Billy’s kind of guy.
Gabe has more than the buffalo hunt on his mind. He’s anticipating a visit from his girlfriend, Raquell.
Even though Gabe has no idea when this visit will happen, he’s getting an early start in making himself look less revolting. “Yeah, I can stare down 13-foot-tall grizzly bears, but when it comes to dating, I get super nervous,” Gabe says, borrowing that “13-foot” bear B.S. straight from his father’s terrible book. I hope Raquell packs her fun pants, because Gabe bought her a ticket to the gun show!
Someone needs to look after Brutus and the other livestock while the family is off shooting things, so Birdy instructs Bam on the proper care of the goats and the chicks. The chicks are named Biscuit, Little Princess, Cookies and Cream, Winter, Snowflake, Frankie, Mr. Cluckles, Jumping Tulip, Just Tulip, Jumper, Fuzzy, Scarf, Yum and Gravy. Ironically, Yum is too cute to be eaten. Birdy tells Bam that the goats need to walked twice a day, but she’s just screwing with him, because everyone likes to stick it to Bam.
Noah gets to work building the meat locker, which he says will be…happy?
Noah actually says “heavy,” but his speech is so poor that it sounds like “happy” to the caption writer. Seriously, those folks who write the ABP closed captions deserve combat pay.
Noah’s plan is to strip down a heating unit, install the fan into it, and then stick the whole thing into a hole in the ground.
“Hopefully, I’m not going to strain a kidney,” he says. Noah’s already lost his gallbladder and “dinted” his diaphragm, so the last thing he needs is a strained kidney. Noah gets the fan thing started up and it blows dust, rocks and debris at him.
Gabe, Birdy, Rainy, Bear, Billy and Mother Ami are camping out in Idaho on the eve of the big bison hunt. They’re sitting around the campfire, roasting marshmallow hot dog kebabs and reminiscing about the good ol’ days.
Then someone shoves a hot dog right in Mother Ami’s face.
For a brief moment, I thought Mother Ami was making the hot dog levitate between her hands. SORCERESS! Then I realized there’s a stick on the end of the hot dog and Mother Ami is probably making that strange face because there’s campfire smoke wafting straight at her. Still, it’s awkward and funny and I am grateful to the editors of this show for including this shot.
Gabe and Rainy have both come down with a case of Billy Brown Syndrome, and they’re too sick to go on the hunt. Bear’s not feeling his best, but he’s not going to let that stop him from killing something today.
Birdy and Bear load up their guns and apply the proper shade of face paint for buffalo hunting.
Dopes.
Back at Brown Star Ranch, things are…AW, CRAP! It’s She Who Will Not Be Named again. She makes Noah take a break from his important work to go on a fishing date.
Yeah, Noah needs to go to rehab for his addiction to work. Anyway, Noah casts a line and they sit on the shore. And then She Who Will Not Be Named starts flutin’.
They catch what looks like a trout. Noah guts it without punching it to death first. At least the fish doesn’t have to listen to any more flute.
Bam is busy tending to the goats and chicks. He says the goats are “a little ornery,” so he takes one of them out for a walk of about 10 feet, and then it’s back to the pen with it. Poor Bam. He is a mere shell of his former self.
Bear and Birdy are out on the hunt, but they’ve not spotted any bison. Maybe they need more face paint.
Back at the campsite, the situation is dire. Gabe is so ill, he’s withdrawn to the solitude of his tent to eat whatever the hell that is he’s eating.
Meanwhile, Bush Elves have built most of the meat locker’s wooden frame in just a few hours. Bam eventually comes to assist Noah, and they bicker and squabble the way Bam and Matt used to do.
Noah has spent a long, hard day of pretending to work. He missed dinner, so She Who Will Not Be Named brings him enchiladas and fish. They discuss the idea of having a dinner bell, but then they’d have the problem of other family members answering it.
In last week’s episode, practically none of the family came to dinner when they were invited, so I don’t think “uninvited guests” will be an issue.
Bear and Birdy finally come across a herd of bison, but they don’t know which one to shoot. (The males are the ones with the top hats and handlebar mustaches, right?) The herd walks away, and either Birdy and Bear are too dumb to follow it or the producers needed to eat up screen time with Unnecessary Drama.
It’s not long before the Bison Fairies deliver them a male that has strayed from the herd.
What a peculiar thing to say! It’s almost as if it had just been spoken by a halfwit right there on his own. But sure enough, there is a male bison minding his own business, happily munching on some…glass?
This glass-eating bison has a death wish, and Birdy is here to make wishes come true! She aims and shoots. I think this is the first time on Alaskan Bush People that we’ve seen someone firing at an animal and the animal dropping in the same camera shot. In the past, the Browns’ game has been pre-killed by someone with a license who knows what the hell they’re doing.
I wonder at first if there’s a stunt double for Birdy, since we don’t get a very good look at her. And then I wonder if that bison out there is really just two guys in a costume. Or maybe it’s a stuffed bison that someone just knocked over on cue. But it really looks as if Amora Snowbird Brown shot and killed a bison.
Birdy has scored what Bear calls “a dad shot,” meaning that the bullet lied, cheated and grifted its way to the target.
Bear runs off to get Billy and the front-end loader they borrowed from the rancher so they can haul the dead bison back to the camp.
That’s life, though. One minute you’re alive and eating glass, the next you’re dead and hanging from a tractor’s scoop.
Billy’s got big plans for this bison. He wants the hide. Mother Ami wants to eat the liver, and she’ll probably make something stupid like a spice rack with the big hooves. Poor bison, giving his life for this awful show.
I’m not going to get into the ethics of hunting animals in this recap, but it should be known that the Browns participated in a canned hunt on an enclosed, private ranch in Idaho. For a price, they are guaranteed to kill something. There’s really no sport in that. They might as well have shot something at the zoo.
We know that the Browns don’t have to hunt to survive, and they’ll get through the winter just fine on hot dogs, marshmallows and Dr. Pepper. Even if they did need 2,000 pounds of meat, it would all be rancid in a few days because of Noah’s half-assed meat locker blowing tepid air and dirt all over it. No, this was nothing but a trophy hunt for the purposes of this lousy TV show.
“The dream is real. The dream’s right in front of us,” Billy says. “And we’ve learned that if all of the family stands beside each other, nothing can stop us when we do that.”
What a load of buffalo chips.
We’re introducing a new segment to these recaps called “That’s Matt!,” in which we look at a social media highlight from Matt Brown’s sober adventures in California. This week, Matt’s girlfriend bought new bedsheets.
Join us next week for another installment of “That’s Matt!”
Alaskan Bush People, Sundays, 10/9c, Discovery Channel
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Once in my younger years I was in South Dakota visiting Mt. Rushmore and came across a herd of Buffalo grazing by the road. A bunch of us stopped and got out and took pictures while they stood there and grazed. What I'm getting at is that there is no need to get all dramatic and sneak around in the tall grass. Just walk up to it and shoot it where the guide tells you to.
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A lot of people are finding out the hard way that bison are crafty bastards: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/07/23/bison-selfies-are-a-bad-idea-tourist-gored-in-yellowstone-as-another-photo-goes-awry/?utm_term=.25bacfac0643
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On the Alaska highway near Liard Hot Springs in Canada there is a few wild herds of Buffalo. And they are always standing by the side of the road and sometimes in the road. Sometimes they just won't move. So you are right Zomm, you could basically walk right up and shoot one practically point blank I suppose. I had completely forgot about that herd
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Ryan Berenz, I also HATE the ABP farce. The ”show” is like a car crash, I hate that it happened but I can't stop watching the chaos. Ryan, your recaps of the ABP Bushigans keeps me rolling with laughter. Please take one for the ABP ”Hater Team” keep watching and recapping the Bushbrowners with all the Bush-nanigans’ fake crises.
Also, I totally agree with your comment about Billy-Brown Bushigan. He never works, but simply lays about conjuring up his ”Dreams” for ”The Brown-Bush” life in the non-existent Washington bush.
Salute,
Donna
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Another straight to the point gem Ryan! Once again, this show has enabled you to craft your review writing skills with all the challenges the producers and the Browns lay out before you! Plus you come up with some really extra funny stuff! One that stands out is not only funny, but true; "Birdy has
scored what Bear calls "a dad shot," meaning that the bullet lied, cheated and grifted its way to the target." That one, as Billy Brown would say, 'tickled me to death!'
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Loved, loved your response
”Dadgumit”! 😝
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B
Ryan, excellent as usual. It is raining here today in Arizona. According to Indian lore that is Mother Nature crying because some idiot for about $4500.00 shot and killed for no apparent reason other than ratings, one of the most iconic animals of the Great Plains. The old bull was culled and put in such a line of sight that a ten year old could have taken it with a sling shot. I will posit that neither Gabe or Rainy were sick the day of the hunt. During the past 87 seasons of the ABP/CBP/WBP they have both showed some emotion and compassion. I believe when they were advised as to what type of hunt they were getting involved in, they said forget it.
The WBP, aka the CBP and née the ABP are taking the unreal to new depths this year.
David, please going forward, be kind to Texas As we all have birthplaces, Texas be mine.
Ryan, thanks for the moral clarity about Mother Ami and the hotdog eating contest. Perhaps it is because I am beyond saving but I thought there was a lot more going on than just eating hotdogs.
I shall not go into the prefab smokehouse, barn, animals, Rhainny and Noah. So much, so wrong there that is not worth the time and you do a brilliant job of encapsulating the nonsense into your great recaps.
I do have a suggestion. Instead of your “That’s Matt” segment let’s call it “Where’s Matt” in honor of Matt Laurer who would make an excellent addition to the show.
C ya, B ya, guy.
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Thumbs up from a fellow Texan! Loved your response.
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No worries on Texas... I have no axe to grind. Just always thought the saying was funny.
I thought that was a pretty easy shot myself. Amazed they got that close.
Imagine the roadside meat sale they will be having as 2,000 lbs of Buffalo meat are starting to rot as Noah's meat locker proves to be a joke.
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Don’t worry about axes to grind, my friend. That is why I left Texas cause after all who but the Brownclowns want to be in second place?
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It took 5 tries to get through that episode without falling to sleep! At least I'm well rested.
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To preserve meat, plugging in a freezer may show better results than plugging in a fan, and blowing cool mine-dirt at it.
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Quite true. If you are running all of that electricity anyways, then just go buy a couple of chest freezers.
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Damn you Berenz for sucking me back into watching ABP… This show sucks! Ugh.
There is no way this took over a day (two tops) to film this. Bam, fed some goats, Noah got a fan and ducting from a junkyard and then faked building a part of a shed, Noah caught a fish, and they shot a Buffalo at a ranch. Seriously, for most people this would be a productive afternoon. The production cost on this have to be nothing.
We start with the dear narrator telling us for decades the Browns had to hunt for themselves in remote Alaska… seriously, we are back to you selling us that crap. Your own deposition in a court in Alaska tells us otherwise. Blah!
Gabe tells us that he can stare down a 13’ foot grizzly bear but dating scares him. Ummm, moving on. Like that ever happened. It is like they just say anything at this point. Poor Gabe really does seem socially inept to me. That is the only part of this schtick that is probably quite real.
Rain tells us after she wins the fake shooting contest that there are a lot of “variatables” to hunting. This is the part of the show that I think I dislike the most. Nobody makes more fun of them then me. But you can tell some of them have speech problems and can’t speak probably even if you get past all the fake accents. There education and job skills seem to be lacking. Basically, Billy has ruined some of these kids lives and it is just really sad to me.
Rain has to ask if cows are Buffalo. Sigh
Now for a fun highlight. Noah apologizes to Rhain for him being a workaholic. I seriously almost fell out of my chair laughing. Like side splitting out loud laughter. The only thing Noah works hard at seems to be eating to me. I don’t think he has to work at being a self-absorbed intolerable j-hole. I think that comes quite naturally. Workaholic… now that is good! I bet there is a really good chance he has never worked at a job a day in his life. I am glad that the Browns are doing standup now.
Noah also tells us that Rhain and him have been dating since the day they met and that has never stopped. Well based on the timeline of events that she gave birth 3 months after you guys got married that isn’t the only thing you guys have been working on. So much for all his talk of chivalry and those good Christian values.
Noah attempting to build the shed and have Bam help at the end was mind numbing. It is so obvious Noah hasn’t successfully nailed two boards together in his life. Two people not being able to put a few sheets of plywood on a roof while trying to use rachet straps… my oh my. Bam, how is this worth it to you to be involved in the crap?
The Buffalo hunt was typical Brown complete made up crap start to finish. My family has gone on a couple of Buffalo hunts down in the states and there is an actual wild heard of Buffalo about 90 miles from where I live in Alaska. Basically, in the states you go to a Buffalo ranch, pay the owner and he takes you out and you shoot the Buffalo. Done. Honestly as “hunts” go, it is pretty much like going to a zoo and picking one out. The ranchers don’t turn you loose on their land and just let you do whatever you want and shoot whatever you want. So, the whole thing was made up. Only thing they didn’t lie about, and I was surprised they didn’t, was that you go to a Buffalo ranch. I figured they would act like it was a wild hunt. I like how they fake camped on the farmers land, sure he was paid for the privilege. Looks like Rain and Gabe caught Billy Brown laziness syndrome. Watch out guys, it is contagious when there is work to be done. Bear tells us that during the cookout scene that “it was like the good old day when they lived in the wild”. Calm down there Grizzly Adams, your cooking Ball Park Franks around a campfire. Just like millions of Americans do all the time without the lying about living in Alaska. Loved the loader scene where the farmer agrees to lend them his loader and Billy goes on and on about how generous people are, and all the trust, and that is how it should be. The rancher was paid for his time and the buffalo hunt there scammer Billy. He isn’t a non profit. As usual face makeup must be involved in any hunt. Still with that crud. Then we have to watch staged scenes where Bear and Birdbrain pretend to walk all day in search of the heard. Particularly enjoyed how they “lost” the first heard who ran away. When we could clearly see the heard walking at a very slow pace. Bear tells us that the land is more spread out than he thought. That is how land works Bear. Not like little old Alaska where you fake came from. Side note… we have an Alaska joke that says if Texas doesn’t stop bragging about how everything is so big there, we will cut Alaska in half and make them the third largest state… Bada bing! Thank you, thank you… I play here every weekend. Then after Birdie kills the Buffalo (was kind of hard to tell if she did or not. It did look like shot at it, and she might have killed it. But this is ABP so I assume a real hunter was just out of the screen shot. I thought about the stunt double also.), Bear goes on and on and on about what a record breaking shot it was and how amazing it. This coming from big time hunters who grew up shooting and hunting things in the remotest part of Alaska their entire lives. Sure guys.
This episode was a complete waste of 40 minutes (thank you DVR and skipping commercials) and I might have to stop watching again. On a good note I read somewhere that this season is only going to be 6 episodes. It that is true we are 1/3 through this already.
I saw where the season premiere last week was rated sixth and that was even having much higher rated naked and afraid as a lead in with a .4 18-49 rating. This episode fell to 15th and a .3 share. I think the shine has worn off. But this show is the undead and will neve die.
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Love this, David! Seriously, I studied Birdy shooting the bison as though it were the Zapruder film and I can't tell if there was fakery going on. Yes, the season will end on March 31 (unless they say something like "midseason" finale).
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Ryan, I wish you were right. But in conversation with Discumery regarding what I felt was the lack of pixelates over a woman contestant body parts on Naked and Afraid, Discumery advised that in the USDA policy book, you must eat what you shoot. Therefore according to Chapter 3, paragraph 8, line item IV and sentence 2j, the WBP are to be renewed immediately for another 22 weeks. Discumery also let it drop that they were in negotiations with a foreign power to purchase a whaling permit. If so, once the Buffalo has been eaten they would move back to Alaska and David repurchase the Integrity and start whaling. If successful in killing a whale the same USDA rules apply except the statement would read you harpoon it you eat it. Discumery said this would add an additional 22 weeks making a total opportunity of 44 straight weeks for you to write recaps.
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Braahhhhaaa! Great response! 🤪
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Oh no, a possible ”ABP Bushigan” midseason finale?!?! 🥴
Loved your Zapruder reference, beautiful ”dadgumit”.
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David, loved your recap; it was on point my friend. ”I’m tickled to death”.😉
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That they used to own a boat called the Integrity is still after all this time hilarious to me. Somebody on the production crew has a good sense of humor. Good gosh having them back to Alaska till they could finish off a whole whale is very frightening. How long would that take? Well judging by the the weight some of them are putting on (ahem... Noah and Gabe), maybe they wouldn't be here as long as i am thinking.
Bob, as much as I would love to have them back soiling up our fine state they seem to be trending south. Fake living in Washington and wintering as far south Las Vegas. Vegas to Arizona is getting pretty close my friend. Time to clear out that backyard and throw up a quick Airbnb in a shed. ABP... Arizona Bush People, nice ring
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Thank you Donna. I think my dislike of ABP just flows out of me. I could have kept going but why put everyone through that including myself.
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I studied it myself way too long. She shot about the same time the Buffalo fell. So I think she really did shoot. Maybe a crack shot was standing behind the camera and they shot at the same time. Possible it was a fake Buffalo? It went down awfully fast.
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Thanks David, I’m trying to catch my breath from LMAO @ you! 😝😉
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There was a second shooter on the grassy knoll...
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Back and to the left... Back and to the left...
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The Browns are going to Asia to hunt pandas in Season 33ish.
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Gads, you are gonna be writing recaps the rest of your life. When will you ever get a chance to see your mighty Timber Rattlers play ball?
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Hush your mouth. They ain’t setting foot 🦶 in Arizona. Besides, unlike the state of Alaska we just got rattlers, tarantulas, scorpions and Gila monsters......and no Bush.
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Ryan, I watched the show last night. You captired the highlighhts well, as usual.
I will add some minor points/observations.
The buffalo jhunt was paid, perhaps by Discovery. I googled the hunting ranch, and the minimum price wasabout 2800 dollars for a guaranteed kill, plus butchering, 75 cents a pound, for another m1000 dollars. Then the lodge where they stayed (not in tents) would be a few hundred dollars more. Snaggletooth and Bare broke a fundamental gun safety rule - never use your scope as a binocular. Think about why that is. And Bare doesn't know how to hold his rifle safely.;
Being proud of shooting a tame animal on a hunting ranch is the same as being proud of one's seduction skills after scoring in a whore house.
The meat will most likely be given away. There is no way for Numbnuts Noah's meat locker, which should be called rotten meat locker, to save the meat. It is stupid beyond belief. And he didn't build it, of course, just faked it. (It makes me wonder who fathered ruth's baby ) (mine shafts hold a constant temperature of 58 degrees f.. The buffalo meat would rot faster than Ami's teeth.)
Noah's catching a fish was fake. Real Fish do some flopping when you catch one. But at least Ruth taught him how to hold the Goddamned rod and reel right side up. His siblings do not. And Fat Ass Noah's statement that he only fished in the ocean was stupid. I thought he grew up in the bush, with lakes and rivers and streams?
And the most ridiculous part of the episode was when Noah described himself as a workaholic. Remember when the rest of the family pretended to build browntown? Noah was always in his stupid tent, trying to be Mr. Wizard, inventing shit that didn't work. Who can forget the opera burglar alarm on the 'Lack of Integrity? The bush dryer, guaranteed to burn up your clothes? What about the missing windmill?
That lazy ass kid is , well, a lazy ass kid.
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Pfft. I use the scope for opera glasses all the time and I haven't shot a single ballerina.
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After last weeks season opener I vowed never to watch again...but I did read the review of this weeks nonsense. These Bush/Mountain people are the biggest fakes but your reviews are enjoyable.
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Thanks for the recap! I skipped this episode, I'm glad I didn't see the whole buffalo thing. What you said about Bam and the goats was pretty great! 🙂
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The thing that bothered me the most about the cougar watch is, What Kind of Idiot builds a fire in a hay loft, with animals shut up in the barn? Oh yeah. A Brown kid, the Extreme One.
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