All the Weird Stuff From the 'Alaskan Bush People' Season 8 Trailer (VIDEO)
We have our first footage from Alaskan Bush People Season 8ish, and it looks like same crap, different state.
People released the Season 8ish sneak peek video:
We broke down the video to mock stuff for your amusement:
There's Magic in the Air!
Maybe it's just his drugs kicking in, but Matt says there's "magic" in the Browns' new home in Washington state. Never mind all that stuff the Browns said about Alaska and Colorado.
“We’ve gone through a lot of adversity. It was like everything was closing in on us, darkness all around, and it was over,” Billy says. “Then, Washington came into view.”
Jeez, he makes it sound like he just discovered the place, like he's Bush Ponce de León or something.
One of the worst-kept secrets of the new season is that the Browns will be living in teepees while they wait for someone more competent to build structures for them. No doubt the Browns will say the teepees are in keeping with the Native American tradition and a tribute to the ingenuity of the land's earliest inhabitants.
I will not speak for the indigenous people of the Pacific Northwest, but I find this insulting. The Browns did not actually live in these teepees. They lived in rented homes (or exiled themselves in trailers) during production of this show. The Browns were not living off the land or hunting and gathering. They were posting stupid selfies and faking their own deaths on Instagram.
Birdy Is Testing a New Line of Skincare Products
I do not know why the editors of this sneak preview felt the need to include this shot. Is Birdy slathering mud all over her face supposed to get you pumped up for the new Alaskan Bush People season? To each his own, I s'pose.
Matt Is Ruining Yard Implements
Looks like Matt is going to wreck two perfectly good tools using some Bushcraft ideas someone got off the internet. Here, he manages to weld a sledge to a shovel. To what purpose, only the Good Lord knows.
Someone let Billy play with heavy machinery. I wonder if Billy told the owner that he's got a history of seizures.
Bear Is Still Doing His Bear Stuff
Really? Still? Yawn.
Birdy's Blasting Paint Cans Full of Orange Goo
Whatever this is about, it will be crucial to the survival of the entire Nine Member Brown Family and their future could be forever changed by it.
There's a Hole Diggin'
What? More machinery? You mean Bear is not EXXXXTREME enough to grind tree stumps with his own hands? I am just about ready to revoke that fourth X.
Cougars Are the New Bears
Cougars will be starring as the night-vision trail-camera menace this season. Birdy plans on adopting 30 of them.
Someone Call PETA!
In Alaska, the Browns could barely take care of a single cow. Now they're going to care for a stable of horses and a herd of cattle? Buzzards are already circling.
Bam Can't Drive
Bam has been known to crash boats into things, which makes him the perfect guy to own and operate a ferry. The sneak peek shows Bam at the wheel of a truck with passengers Matt and Gabe. Bam's not respecting the danger, and it looks like he's about to pull a Toonces.
Noah is conspicuously absent from the preview footage, so enjoy this Noah tai chi gif instead.
While the rest of the family was shooting the season in Washington, Noah and his fiancée, Rhain, spent most of their time in Colorado firing off passive-aggressive potshots at the rest of the family on social media. Noah eventually did show up to film in Washington, and there will probably be a big mushy overblown reunion scene late in the season.
As for Rhain, I hope we've already seen the last of her onscreen.
Alaskan Bush People, Season 8ish Premiere, Sunday, August 19, 9/8c, Discovery Channel