What’s Worth Watching: ‘Sharknado 3’ on Syfy for Wednesday, July 22

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (Wednesday, July 22, 9/8c, Syfy)

“These sharks, they have a scent, and it’s not a pretty one.” I’ll say.

Truer words were never spoken, in this case by the world’s primo flying-shark executioner Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering), who wields the meanest chainsaw since Leatherface’s reign of terror. Radio conspiracy theorists are convinced Fin brings devastation wherever he goes, and judging from the hysterical evidence of Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!, which visits ridiculously cornball carnage upon the East (or “Beast”) Coast from D.C. to Orlando, they may be on to something.

Fin has barely received the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Mark Cuban—and yes, there’s a Shark Tank joke embedded in his berserk cameo—before sharks begin raining down on Washington, D.C., destroying monuments and feeding on a who’s who of D-listers you might just recognize before they’re a smear of chum. “Could be worse, could be zombies,” chirps Freddie Muniz as a zealous sharknado storm-chaser who joins Fin on his journey south to Florida, where Fin’s pregnant wife April (Tara Reid, who’d give a shark splinters with her tarnished woodenness) is caught up in theme-park mayhem. Spoiler alert: Several sharknado fronts are converging in Central Florida, conveniently close to NASA’s hidden weapons over in Cape Canaveral.

Sharknado 3 is so shamelessly cheesy it’s almost irresistible, so why try? I may never have an experience to surpass last year’s viewing of Sharknado 2: The Second One, a poolside screening in Beverly Hills with mai tais thankfully flowing, but by the time David Hasselhoff appears as Fin’s grounded-astronaut dad (“Call me Colonel”) to help his son save the world, you might find yourself truly punch-drunk on this guilty pleasure’s giddy absurdities, which embrace everything from NASCAR to Gravity. The only truly terrifying aspect of this creature feature is its relentless product placement, hawking a certain studio’s theme park while showcasing the stars of Today, who even though they’re obviously in on the joke should know when to tell their corporate bosses enough’s enough.

On the plus side, Syfy never has to worry about wretched excess, because that’s the channel’s business this time of year. And the final stunt in Sharknado 3 is so biblically and side-splittingly outrageous you might not even feel you’re wasted your time. Almost.

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