Best Lines on TV This Week: ‘I Imagine My Life as a Series of Musical Numbers’
No matter which channel we switched to this week, it seemed like TV shows just couldn’t stop “going meta”—be it calling out their own plot lines or subjecting themselves to the Bechdel test.
Here’s our weekly round-up of best quips, quotes and quick bits of dialogue from the latest episodes.
RELATED: Read More Best Lines on TV
“I imagine my life as a series of musical numbers…”
— Rebecca (Rachel Bloom) couldn’t be any closer to the truth
“Do you know how hard it is to pass the Bechdel Test when you’re a dream ghost?”
— Dr. Akopian (Michael Hyatt) tries her hardest to not spend her entire time discussing the men in Rebecca’s (Rachel Bloom) life
Cat: First Sandy Bullock steals my bike at spin class and then the juice bar runs out of chard, and now this? I knew people would be slow to forgive Supergirl, but this is ridiculous. And now the crime rate in National City is up a whopping 40%.
Winn: Do you think Supergirl has lost the public’s trust for good?
Cat: Well, I suppose if Mel Gibson can present at the Golden Globes, then Supergirl can win the city back. This too shall pass.
— Cat Grant (Calista Flockhart) uses her knowledge of celebrity behavior to reassure Winn (Jeremy Jordan)
Cat: Kara, go find me a juice bar with an abundance of chard.
Winn: Uh, Ms. Grant, I already told you, Kara’s out sick today.
Cat: That was at 9 am.
Winn: Generally, when people are sick it lasts the whole day.
— Cat can’t believe that not everyone has an immune system as ‘super’ as hers
“Chairs are color-coded under chartreuse, because it sounds like ‘chair truths.’ Salmon mongers are filed under fuschia, because I ‘re-fuschia’ to serve salmon at this wedding. The groomsmen tuxes are under magenta, because ‘ma-gentlemen’ will be wearing the dope tuxes.”
— Schmidt (Max Greenfield) explains his wedding planning organizations system
“I prefer my wine sparkling, pink and under $11.”
— Jess (Zooey Deschanel) shares her taste in alcohol with Gavin (guest star Pete Gallagher, up above)
“If you would just shut up for about for two seconds, this sex dream would pass the Bechdel test.”
— There isn’t a test Alice (Olivia Taylor Dudley) doesn’t want to pass
— SURVIVOR (@survivorcbs) March 24, 2016
Foggy: “We need an affirmative defense.”
Karen: “Yeah, yeah, I get that, but I’m not so sure Frank is insane.”
Foggy: “I’m no doctor, but I’d say he’s at least driven past Crazy Town.
— Foggy (Elden Henson) is pretty sure The Punisher (Jon Bernthal) is #cray
Cameron: Well, some people will do anything to avoid having to be with a friend.
Fisher: I didn’t know we were friends.
Cameron: Oh, shut up. We all know you’re crazy about me… Hey, but seriously, man, thanks for pushing me out of the way at the restaurant.
— Cameron (Kyle Harris) continues his attempts to befriend Fisher (Damon Dayoub)
“I had the craziest dream… You were an angel and I was a hero?”
— The sight of Kirsten in his hospital room makes Cameron (Kyle Harris) drop an Easter Egg in reference to the Stitchers Halloween Special
School of Rock
Lawrence: “Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy?”
Lawrence: “No! You!”
— Dewey‘s former bandmate Colton (Pete Wentz) gets mistaken for his much more famous doppelganger
Lawrence: “That’s so cool! A bike made of dirt!”
Freddy: “No… The bikes ride on dirt.”
Lawrence: “Once again, my imagination beats reality.”
— Lawrence (Aidan Miner) has a creative interpretation of his friend Freddy’s (Ricardo Hurtado) words.
The Carmichael Show
“Maxine, if you’re pregnant you need to get married. Now, Jerrod is my son and I love him dearly, but once he hears a baby crying at 3 am he’s a flight risk.”
— Cynthia (Loretta Devine) reveals that she doesn’t quite have faith in Jerrod’s (Jerrod Carmichael) capabilities as a father.
“I’m a modern woman. I’m like Mary Tyler Moore with braids.”
— Nekeisha (Tiffany Haddish) states which TV character she identifies with.
Blaine: “Braaaaaaains… Braaaaaaaains… Kidding. Kind of. I do need brains. Got any?”
Ravi: “You’ve reverted to zombie form.”
Blaine: “Well, if I haven’t, things have just gotten…kinky.”
— Blaine (David Anders) reveals his new situation to Ravi (Rahul Kohli) in classic zombie manner
“In case you haven’t noticed, our popular culture is quite inundated with zombies.”
— Ravi goes slightly meta at Liv’s mention of the “full Romero zombie” in her vision
Ravi: “What does it mean that I find your new look weird and creepy?”
Liv: “It means that you spend too much time with the dead. It’s so they don’t recognize me at Max Rager.”
Ravi: “Well, for the degree I’ve been creeped out by this, the clues you find better be earth-shattering.”
Liv: “I almost forgot. For that professional look.” [puts on a pair of glasses]
Ravi: “Literally the stuff of nightmares.”
— Liv and Ravi debate the merits of having a non-zombie vs. zombie look (and Ravi is NOT a fan)
— iZombie (@CWiZombie) March 23, 2016
“Let’s eat outside. With climate change who knows how much longer we’ll be able to.”
— Lauren (Bailey De Young) tries to distract her step sister from her fight with her BFF
“What show have you been watching? It’s only a matter of time until they get back together.”
— Shane (Michael J. Willett) gets a little meta as he discusses Amy and Karma’s current cold war
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
John Owliver! No? Okay. Sorry. pic.twitter.com/YBiK2zXiVV
— Last Week Tonight (@LastWeekTonight) March 21, 2016
Stuck In the Middle
Ethan: “On what planet would mom and dad not notice some random dude in his PJ’s drooling on the couch?”
Harley: “Planet Diaz. Mom and dad won’t notice one more kid… Half the time they don’t notice the ones they have.”
— Harley (Jenna Ortega) reminds her brother Ethan (Isaak Presley) of their parents’ habits.
“Awesome news. Cuff wasn’t liking my posts because he was in police custody! He got tagging my name on a porta-potty. I feel like I’m in an Ed Sheeran song.”
— Rachel (Ronnie Hawk) is flattered despite her boyfriend’s choice of expression.
“Look, I know when you’re young, you think you’re responsible for all kinds of things that you have nothing to do with. But you’re not. Most things in life are out of your control. You work hard and you try to be good, but sh-t happens.”
— Charlies (Peter Hermann) gets real about giving life and career advice to Liza (Sutton Foster)
Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Bobbi: “How’s everyone’s Russian?”
May: “My pronunciation’s not fluent.”
Mack: “And mine’s nonexistent.”
Daisy: “I dated a Russian hacker once, but I only learned the dirty words.”
Bobbi: “Guys, seriously, we’re spies. I thought we all learned languages.”
— Bobbi (Adrianne Palicki) can’t believe that no one is as fluent in languages as her
Russian Police: “State your full name for the record.”
Hunter: “Amadeus Ravenclaw Hunter.”
— Hunter (Nick Blood) is apparently a fan of Mozart and Harry Potter
We’re gonna miss them, too. https://t.co/Am61VGlLMa
— Agents of SHIELD (@AgentsofSHIELD) March 24, 2016