Best Lines of the Week (September 10-16): ‘The Story of New York Is Gross’

Terry Crews as Terry in Brooklyn Nine-Nine

We’re plunging head-first into the beginnings of new Fall television, which is already filled with plenty of quick-witted jokes and exciting premises. But at the same time, we’ve also said goodbye to a fan-favorite comedy.

New series like Only Murders in the Building and Doogie Kamealoha, M.D. bring new plots and intriguingly specific locations to the table. On the comedy side, Ted Lasso continues to both tug at the heart and keep us amused, while Brooklyn 99 brought about its last laugh in its series finale.

Scroll down for all of our favorites this week!

Steve Martin in Only Murders in the Building

Only Murders in the Building (Hulu)

“How was the chillin’ in Washington Square Park? Was it, like, so chill? Did you chill it up so hard?”

— Charles (Steve Martin) hysterically confronts Mabel (Selena Gomez) when discovering she lied about her location.

Wanda Sykes as Shuli in The Other Two

The Other Two (HBO Max)

Cary: “Who are you?”

Shuli: “I cannot tell you who I am.”

Cary: “Why not?”

Shuli: “Because I farted and I’m embarrassed.”

— Shuli (Wanda Sykes) tries to disguise her identity in the bathroom stall next to Cary (Drew Tarver) so she can tell him he’s being used by another actor for publicity.

Terry Crews as Terry in Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Brooklyn Nine-Nine (NBC)

“The story of New York is gross.”

— Terry (Terry Crews) after hearing Jake (Andy Samberg) reduce the history of New York to a bag of bar brawl teeth

Tony Stark in What If

What If…? (Disney+)

“Heroes are not born. They are forged in darkness, shaped in battle, defined by sacrifice.”

The Watcher (Jeffrey Wright) describes Tony Stark’s journey as Iron Man in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Melissa McCarthy as Frances in Nine Perfect Strangers

Nine Perfect Strangers (Hulu)

Frances: “I’m just feeling very odd. And I don’t mean just high. I mean like very, very weird in a new kind of way. Is that just me?”

Jessica: “Yesterday I was on all fours looking for my nose.”

— Frances (Melissa McCarthy) and Jessica (Samara Weaving) discuss their experiences on hallucinogenic drugs.

Roy and Phoebe in Ted Lasso
Apple TV+

Ted Lasso (Apple TV+)

Phoebe: “Maybe we can stop swearing together.”

Roy: “F**k you.”

— Roy (Brett Goldstein) and his niece Phoebe (Elodie Blomfield) after she gets in trouble for swearing at school. 

Tom Ellis as Lucifer in Lucifer

Lucifer (Netflix)

Random man: “Hey, Daddy.”

Lucifer: “That’s where you are wrong buddy boy. I’m here to prove that I am no one’s daddy” 

— Lucifer (Tom Ellis) comically responds to a flirtatious greeting while on a mission to prove he is not Rory’s (Brianna Hildebrand) father. 

Daniel Cusimano in The Circle

The Circle (Netflix)

“Jay-Z, Eminem, I’m coming for your career, bitch.”

— Daniel Cusimano to himself before competing in a rap battle

Steph and Lahela in Doogie Kameāloha, M.D. on Disney+

Doogie Kamealoha, M.D. (Disney+)

“Sorry I’m late. My mom has a date tonight so we were waxing her legs. She must really like him, ‘cause we did both sides.”

— Steph (Emma Meisel) as she climbs into Lahela’s (Peyton Elizabeth Lee) window

Kendal and her creation on Nailed It! on Netflix

Nailed It! (Netflix)

Kendal: “It looks like a parakeet.”

Nicole: “We asked you to make a parrot…”

Kendal: “Oh. They’re the same thing.”

– Contestant Kendal and host Nicole Byer after the former reveals her creation