‘Alaskan Bush People’ Episode 4: ‘A Very Bush Wedding’ (RECAP)
On the Alaskan Bush People episode “A Very Bush Wedding” (January 1) the Wolf Pack prepares for their first ever wedding in the bush. But as the family prepares to welcome a new member, emotions run high and the Browns struggle to keep their most ambitious project on track.
Happy new year! Let us ring in 2020 with more of the same old, tired, fake ABP nonsense. I hope the Good Lord will see to it that this show is canceled before Earth completes another full orbit around the sun.
It is early summer on Brown Star Ranch. Birdy and Noah are pretending to care for their cattle by giving them an application of Ivermectin, a parasiticide that kills intestinal worms, lice and such. The solution is supposed to be applied along the animal’s back. But instead of doing this while Brutus and the cows are secured inside the barn, Rainy and Noah try to do this while the cattle are roaming free in the pen. Birdy and Noah start recklessly splashing this stuff all over the cattle, probably getting a full dose on themselves in the process. They could probably use it, though. I’m sure Birdy is full of roundworms.
Elsewhere, preparations for Gabe and Raquell’s fake wedding are reaching the point of Fake Urgency.
Let’s get this annoying thing called the truth out of the way. Gabe and Raquell were legally married on January 14, 2019. The ceremony we’re seeing in this episode is just staged for the purposes of the show and took place on June 14, 2019. It was the best Flag Day ever!
Raquell is also about four months pregnant at the time of wedding No. 2. Their baby daughter was supposedly due in November, and while there were reports of Browns appearing at the hospital in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, around the expected date, there has been no public birth announcement from any of ABP‘s PR flacks or media cronies.
Either Raquell is on her 11th month of pregnancy, or ABP is just sitting on the news until it makes more sense in the show’s Bush space-time continuum. Perhaps they learned their lesson from Noah and She Who Will Not Be Named getting premaritally preggers.
Gabe is just a big-hearted lug who gave up sexting Swedish women to settle down with a woman eager to find a dimwitted reality TV personality who might be able to support her and her two pre-existing children.
Billy gathers the family to talk about how astonishing it is that someone would actually want to marry his oafish ogre of a son.
But in true Father Billy fashion, he’s also very adamant that his kids remain focused on his monthslong dream of a fully self-sustaining ranch, specifically completing that tedious windmill water-pump project so we never have to see or hear about it ever again.
Water will have to wait another day, since the herculean task of “fixing” Gabe for his fake wedding will require tremendous manpower and perhaps a bulldozer.
Rainy draws the short straw and has to give Gabe a mani/pedi. “It makes me want to gag,” Rainy says, forgetting that she was the winner of the legendary stinky foot contest. Rainy also mentions that Matt’s feet were the absolute most disgusting. Wow. Someone finally acknowledged that Matt exists.
Bear and Birdy have the duty of completing the final windmill (pronounced “wind-meal”) task, which is attaching the push rod (a.k.a. “sucker rod”) to the hub assembly that will create the up-and-down motion that will draw water from the well.
But first, Bear must act like a 7-year-old with a cordless drill. Good idea! Use up all your battery life shooting at imaginary zombie deer.
Like all windmill-related activity, this is boring and uneventful, and the possibility of Bear getting vivisected by the blades is just a tease.
Birdy ascends the rig, though I’m not sure what she actually does up there. Perhaps she was hindered by that deeply entrenched wedgie.
The job is done and it’s time to gather the family ’round the windmill to see this thing draw its first trickle of water. Billy approves of all the hard work his kids did while he was asleep on the couch.
Water springs forth from the well, and there is much rejoicing. The water tastes like victory and metabolic acidosis.
And just to rub it in our faces, they howl. Except Bam doesn’t howl, because there is a limit to the indignities he’ll suffer to collect a paycheck from this awful show.
Meanwhile, Noah is up to some insanely creepy stuff in his tent. He’s fashioning a toy for his infant son Elijah out of an animal skull.
Noah is hellbent on making his son grow up to be as ghoulish as he is.
Oh, you don’t say. Let’s ignore the creepiness factor and look at this from a child safety angle. He’s going to give a skull with all its sharp bony protrusions and teeth to an infant. He’s going to put fox teeth inside of the skull so the rattle makes noise and Elijah can ingest the teeth when the teeth inevitably fall out. Might as well just give the kid a Bag O’Glass. Thankfully, She Who Will Not Be Named probably has enough sense and won’t let that thing anywhere near Elijah.
On with the fake wedding preparations. The fake ceremony is two days away, and Gabe and Raquell have yet to get an officiant for their nuptials. Gabe and Bam go out to the woods to build a wooden cross, because the Browns like to pass themselves off as God-fearin’ folks for the cameras, and the easiest way to do that is just to get tattoos and a bunch of crosses and mention the Good Lord a lot.
Gabe asks Bam if he’ll officiate the fake ceremony, and Bam is honored to accept the job. His cockles are warmed.
It’s time for Gabe to get some clothes that don’t make him look like an Amish lumberjack, so he and his brothers hop in the family SUV and head out to do some shopping. They arrive at the store and immediately start sullying up the merchandise.
Gabe settles on a white buttoned-down shirt and … suspenders. Somehow, he manages to look even more like an Amish lumberjack.
Back at Brown Star Ranch, there is important work do be done, such as putting bowties on chickens. No, this isn’t The Muppet Show and no one is Gonzo. This is Alaskan Bush People, a show on Discovery Channel, which long ago was a reputable outlet for quality educational television programs.
Gabe is not so sure about the chickens attending his fake wedding ceremony. “I don’t know if chickens spell magic or romance,” Gabe says.
Silly Gabe! Chickens can’t spell anything!
Rainy is concerned that chickens might get in the way of the wedding procession. She doesn’t want Raquell (her name is mistakenly translated as “a cow” in the captions) to accidentally step on one.
Gabe decides to nix the chicken idea, because he doesn’t want the fake wedding ceremony on his family’s farcically bad TV show to turn into a joke.
Gabe’s siblings want him to enjoy his last day as a single guy (even though he hasn’t been single for months), and they somehow manage to make his sad bachelor party look like a night at Gatsby’s house by comparison. They play a bunch of silly schoolyard games, one of them being the Wheel of Misfortune.
The contestants spin the wheel and have to do whatever gross act it stops on. I played this game and landed on Watch Alaskan Bush People.
Do you want to know about Billy cutting Gabe’s hair? Didn’t think so.
The big fake day finally arrives. Wedding guests—all 10 of them—come filing in. Bear, the best man, brought the family’s friggin’ parrot as his date. The parrot gets to sit in front. The parrot was Gabe’s first choice to officiate the wedding, but the show’s producers felt that being married by a bird lacked authenticity.
The Browns’ obsequious old friends, Bill and Margaret Fuller, are attending the wedding. They delivered the ostriches from Texas a few weeks ago and have been hanging around Brown Star Ranch and sleeping in the ostrich trailer ever since.
Rainy and Birdy take their seats and…helllooooo, Birdy!
The interstitial segment involves Birdy and Rainy playing with their dolls. They’re reenacting the nude courtship of Gabe and Raquell, with the occasional appearance from the lazy-ass Father Billy figurine to “check on the process” of everyone else’s work.
Finally, here comes the blushing bride. Raquell is escorted by an unidentified green-haired woman (possibly her sister).
It’s all nice and stuff, and Gabe and Raquell say their fake wedding vows and exchange rings. You’d think Park Slope could’ve hired some extras or gotten some crew members to fill the empty seats.
Birdy realizes that her heaving bosom is upstaging the bride, so she covers up.
And just like that, Gabe and Raquell are married again. Instead of tossing the wedding bouquet, they’re going to toss the wedding chainsaw.
The wedding cake is shaped like a log, so fittingly, Gabe cuts it with a chainsaw. Who’d like a piece with bar and chain oil? Anyone?
And then there’s archery for some reason. Raquell appears to be drawing back a flaming arrow, like she just walked into a Dukes of Hazzard episode. That’s a pretty sophisticated compound bow she’s got. I’m no expert, but she’s drawing the string with the left hand and that bow appears to be upside down. I suppose I’ll give her a break, though. She came really close to having chickens wearing tuxedos at her wedding.
Raquell’s mom, Rhonda, is very pleased that her daughter is now an official performer in the Brown Family Circus.
Billy pontificates on the institution of marriage and that “little feeling inside” that must be the Viagra kicking in. Gabe says he wants to follow his parents’ example of married life.
You’ll remember that Billy divorced his first wife and abandoned his two daughters. He then stole a 15-year-old Ami away from her family, and kept her barefoot, pregnant and totally subservient for decades. Nice role models.
It’s time for this week’s edition of “That’s Matt!,” in which we take a social media look at Matt Brown’s sober adventures in Southern California.
Matt spent his Christmas enjoying “an app that sees how long you can go without blinking.”
I’m assuming the 397.0 indicates the number of seconds Matt went between blinks. Hey, at least he’s not blasting his scalp off with fireworks.
Join us next time for another edition of “That’s Matt!”
Alaskan Bush People, Wednesdays, 8/7c, Discovery Channel
Conversation28 Comments
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Comments are closed on this story.
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Gabe makes Rob Gronkowski seem like Socrates in comparison.
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Ever since the premier of this trainwreck, 33 or 34 seass ago,we have been told that Bear climbs, liked to climb, asks potential girlfriends if they like to climb-but along comes the windmill, and Bird climbs it, because, we are told, she is the best at climbing.
And once again, the Browncl fail to measure stuff before they try to bolt stuff together.
As for the fake wedding, why would this hyper-religious family fail to find a pastor?? What size was that wedding dress? Is Raquell completely without friends? Does she have a father? Why is her mother so slender, yet her two daughters morbidly obese?
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All good questions. Gold star for GoldLobster!
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I be lakerman1, yet this site has turned me into 'goldlobster.' I find that to be peculiar.
I went back and looked at Raquell and shooting a arrow. Her grip on the bow is almost nonexistent, and a person can not draw back on a bow without a good grip on the bow. *(basic physics)
Could it be that Parkslop offered us a photoshopped video? They did that with Ami shooting two kinds of pistols, and did it again when Ami was casting a lure, with two different fishing reels showing.
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Welcome to our new comment platform, which assigns you a random name and avatar if you comment as a guest. You might be Blue Oyster or something next time. Good to have you back, Lakerman!
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What decade are you living in?? Many women sport short hair, many men sport long hair and even wear it in buns. I have a pixie cut, and love it.
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It's a cheeto dusted couch in my OWN basement, thank you!
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Digging the 'Where's Matt?' part...
I figure now that the windmill is done and they have solved the water dilemma, it is time to investigate a suitable solution to the power situation. Maybe a coal fired plant, or a small-ish nuclear reactor?
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If Amy takes off that stupid hat does her hair come with it?
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Guys you are missing the whole point. Can you actually tell me you believe everything the Kardashians Or all the the Housewives of God knows where are a serious true to life show? Of course now It’s called reality “TV” they are a family paid to entertain us. So freaking what if you like it keep watching if not then don’t. There is nothing on TV that anyone needs to complain about because there is this thing called the remote control or just ask google to change the channel. By the way you do know that the so called house flippers act like fricking put up a hammer and totally transforms an entire house but the truth of the matter they have a hundred men doing it behind the scenes. Take about those fake tv shows. They make the millions too. Just a reality tv fan that thinks you should address all the “fake” shows not just one. I happen to like it rather it’s fake or not who cares but you. Google please change Ryan Benenz channel.
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Probably since it's likely she lost all her hair in chemo!! I think that entitles her to wear whatever she pleases!
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A huge thing missed on the windmill is it pumps water from a well. I didn't read anywhere about them drilling a well. Also since they are high in the hills a well might have to be drilled quite deep to find water. Quite sure the whole thing was a big made up prop just sitting there. Much like this whole show.
David
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I don't know why I'm listed as posting as Blue Ducky? I'm JDSkiffy!
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Welcome back, Skiffy! Our new commenting system makes everyone a happy color/animal unless they create an account.
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I've been remiss in my viewership of ABP. I accidentally tuned in tonight. It was a culmination of most every stupid thing they have filmed to date. As a parent of a two time national champion archer, Raquel is lucky she didn't sock herself in the face while shooting that bow. And 30 year old Bird playing with dolls made me want to sock HER in the face.
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Hilarious! Thank you I needed a good laugh!!
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I thought that the women usually like the long hair, but younger sister has the shorter hair and all the man have the long hair. Have they looked in the mirror at themselves lately.
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I can't stand that shaved on one side hair cut, so ugly and scary!
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upload your picture and lets see whos uglier and scarier
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What do they think of the kilcher homestead
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Seems a tad extreme to say such things.
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Great answer.
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That parrot needs a bigger cage!
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The show is out of balance ,lack of directions.....they can't build homes, do something with city ordinance and permits. the show will be better if they can have homes in the property, common Producer you need to do better, this show is losing its rating. need to put Mobile homes for better living, solar panels, and please Birdy no more animals, you have to many, is a cost for sickness, and provide food is a big thing. This show need a kick to improve a better living for the Browns.
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Shame on you for eluding your audience...
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Fat neckbeards typing away on your cheeto dusted couch in your parents basement overanalyzing a TV SHOW. 😂. But clearly you all watch every second with the captions on. Losers. Get a life
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So says the guy pissed off that someone doesn't like the same TV shows he does.
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Fat neckbeards? I have your fat neckbeard hanging in the desert 🌵
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