‘Alaskan Bush People’ Season Premiere: ‘King of the Mountain’ (RECAP)
In the Alaskan Bush People Season 10-ish premiere episode “King of the Mountain” (August 4), the Wolfpack races to build their homes before the ground begins to freeze. Later, a snowstorm threatens progress as they haul Bear’s new house — a shipping container — up to the highest peak on the mountain.
No show this bad should last 10-ish seasons.
So, Billy, what do you think about this episode?
I could end the recap there, but then I’d be depriving you of all my thoughts about goat urine, and I just couldn’t live with myself.
Bear and Gabe are chopping wood. Gabe weaves a hula skirt, dances poorly and then calls himself a “hooligan.” Someone actually had sex with this guy? You mean we have 59 more minutes of this crap left to go?
WINTER IS RIGHT … WAIT FOR IT … THERE! Most of this season, which was supposed to be the second half of Season 9-ish until Discovery failed at math, was filmed in the fall of 2018. The remaining Brown kids who weren’t fortunate enough to escape to California must build their shoddy homes before winter comes and kills them all. Tell me if you’ve heard that one before.
Billy has apportioned his land among his children (screw you, Matt!) as depicted in this crude topographical map. Keep this map handy for reference. You’ll need it when the Great Brown Family Civil War erupts in 2027.
Bear’s project gets priority, even though his home requires the least amount of construction and he’s the most likely to survive the winter sleeping in a hole somewhere. Bear says the trees on Brown Star Ranch are too scrawny to support his original Ewok village idea, so he’s instead going to use a shipping container (they’re calling it a “conex”).
Typically when you purchase something, you want to kick the hell out of it before you even let the owner know that you’re interested in buying.
Bear swings a barter deal with Conex Guy: one shipping container and a two-day bulldozer rental in exchange for a bunch of firewood and labor in the summer picking pears or whatever. Once again, the Browns come out way ahead on a barter. I can’t wait to watch the fruit-picking scenes in Season 11-ish.
Noah’s child isn’t even born yet, and he’s already thinking of ways to expose it to harm. He starts by constructing a baby bath made from a goat-feeding tub and an aquarium water pump/heater.
The concept involves recirculating warm water under the baby for some reason. This is totally impractical. The tub is way too big and the little guy is just going to slide to the bottom. No child should be left unattended in the bath, so it’s not like Noah can let his baby sit there alone while Noah goes out to do tai chi. Fortunately, this thing will never get used, as Noah, wife She Who Will Not Be Named and baby Elijah live in a house in Colorado that Billy bought.
Noah want to be just like his dad, except 100% more. [shudders in horror] Good Lord, could you imagine there being someone twice as awful as Billy?
Birdy and Rainy tend to their goats. Last season, the pair couldn’t determine if they were looking at male or female goat hindquarters.
It dawns on them that they may have a billy goat in the herd, as one of the females appears to be pregnant. They determine that the goat Birdy has named Bambi is indeed a billy goat, and that’s bad news because Billy hates billy goats.
Billy goats are annoying and they spray pee all over themselves and then wipe it on you. You’d think Billy would be used to that stuff from his family by now.
After collecting fresh urine from the goat they call Ma’am, they do a pregnancy test and determine that there’s definitely going to be another kid on the way.
Birdy’s reluctant to tell Billy, since he’s going to want to get rid of Bambi or slaughter him. Birdy proposes that she keeps Bambi as her own, and she’ll separate him from the females and eventually keep him on her parcel of land. Birdy is cool with the pee, and though Billy says she’ll regret this decision, he agrees to let her keep Bambi.
Bear gathers his siblings around the fire to tell them about the barter he roped them all into. He explains that as part of the deal, they have to help chop wood and pick pears. Bear offers each of them a window of time in which they can borrow the bulldozer to clear their individual pieces of land. Gabe pretends to be surprised.
Everyone gets to choppin’ wood. Bear and Bam have an argument about the proper way to toss split wood to the person who’s stacking it. Bear likes to put some spin on the wood, while Bam just wants a simple underhand lob. That there is knowledge gathered from 30 years of living in the Bush, y’all.
It’s EXXXXTREMELY important to the success of Billy’s months-long dream of a sustainable ranch that each of his kids (except Matt) gets a good start on their home construction because WINTER IS RIGHT THERE and they can’t wait until spring because…
Dear Lord, no! SPRING IS RIGHT THERE!! There’s always work to be done. The Browns are always on the precipice of doom. There’s always Fake Urgency. “The boat’s always sinking,” Billy says. He must be talking about the first 8-ish seasons of this show.
So of course there’s a snowstorm, just to complicate matters.
Bear takes delivery of his conex, which arrives on a flatbed truck. Bear should have to pick 100 tons of pears over the next 20 summers just to cover the transportation cost alone. Bear asks the driver how he should get his container up to the top of the hill, since it involves moving a heavy object up a steep incline and Bear has “a little bit of that concerny kind of stuff” about these properties of physics. The driver suggests a helicopter or Manitowoc crane. Noah is working on inventing both of those things.
Bam gets the bulldozer first and starts plowing away. He needs to rip out a tree stump, but the snow is providing poor traction and the frozen ground is keeping the stump firmly in place. I honestly can’t remember (nor do I care to find out) if Bam eventually pulled the stump out. Meh.
It’s Noah’s turn to bulldoze a road to “Castle Ridge,” but his self-centered, thoughtless brother Bam didn’t leave the keys in the machine. Clearly Bam was respecting the danger, because thieves have been known to exist within and around the Brown family.
Noah is not only a self-aggrandizing fop, but he’s also a whiny little poser. I enjoyed watching him fall on his ass.
Noah gets the keys and fires up the bulldozer. He talks about how great it would be to someday have his son riding on the back of one.
I think about how great it would be for Noah to be arrested for child endangerment. Noah doesn’t seem very confident operating this rig. Maybe he should stick to things that don’t actually work.
Bear finally gets his turn with the bulldozer. First, he uses it to tear his dad off the couch. (This scene will be future Lost Footage.) Billy, who has experience driving bulldozers into fishing boats for more than 30 years, will be at the controls to tug Bear’s 5,000 pound conex 200 yards up the hill.
That’s probably the most truthful thing Billy’s ever said, though the statement has not been validated by the Bureau of Bush Weights and Measures.
With the snow already melted — I’m thinking Park Slope rented this bulldozer for a lot longer than two days — Billy starts pushin’, pullin’ and draggin’ the conex up the hill. There’s some unnecessary drama as Billy is in danger of flipping the bulldozer ass over teakettle, and the conex gets snagged on a rock.
Eventually, Billy sets the conex on an uneven, precarious piece of ground and calls it a day by quoting Ghostbusters.
Look at this thing. There’s no way someone, even Bear, could live in it like this. I’m guessing that Park Slope is going to use this conex on the hill for exterior shots only. The conex that Bear furnishes and pretends to live in is probably parked somewhere down in Loomis.
Birdy is summoned to Noah’s tent, and after some uncomfortable small talk about how Birdy really dislikes She Who Will Not Be Named, they ask Birdy if she will be the baby’s godmother. They think that Birdy would be the best caregiver for their child should Noah and She Who Will Not Be Named perish in a circular-saw accident.
They also think Birdy would be the best person to teach their kid how to shoot stuff and pretend to live off the land. Birdy agrees. Maybe this is the end of the awkwardness between Birdy and She Who Will Not Be Named, but I’m hoping it isn’t.
Bear grills up some of that bison meat that has been rotting for weeks in Noah’s meat locker. He must be careful not to injure himself and contaminate the food with his own blood.
Dude, have you not heard of vampires or mosquitoes?
Finally, Billy delivers his usual spiel about how the Browns can accomplish anything as long as they stick together as a family (except Matt) and so on and so forth and whatnot. This whole season is going to be a big, putrid pile of whatnot.
“The work will never be done [by me],” Billy says. I am just assuming he meant to say that last part.
It’s time now for the Season 10-ish premiere edition of “That’s Matt!,” in which we take a social media look at Matt’s sober offscreen adventures:
Reports are that Matt is in Washington and visiting his family, and there’s talk that he may film again.
This is a bad move for Matt. Escaping his father’s grip and getting off this freak show was probably the best thing for him. Maybe Matt will take part in a reunion episode that will be the series finale, and they can end this crapfest and destroy all evidence that it ever existed.
Conversation33 Comments
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O
I think Ryan's review of Sunday nights NIABP episode 08/11/19was his best...you say wait he hasn't put up a review yet. Not saying a thing about these Not In Alaska Bush Phonies is the best thing that can be said... Stay on vacation man these dummies aren't worth it.
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C
I don’t watch until ryan recaps it...much more fun
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C
I watched tonight. They live on 400 acres of
land. it looks like all.of the structures they
build just like they did in Alaska takes away the beauty of.where they live. though Gabe's house turned out nice. I can see the future of those cute goats behind the wooden fence Birdie built. it is not a safe place from the wild animals.The howling was funny especially when they all jumped into.Noah's vehicle to make sure Noah's wife was safe.
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G
I flipped over for 2 minutes to the episode tonight of ABP (during the commercial to what I was watching) and the first thing I hear is everybody howling and the discussion of what kind of a howl and what it meant. Then running off to uncover the mystery. Ummm, you all have cell phones. Seriously. I might not have even been two minutes and I would rather watch commercials.
Holy #$%^ Batman! How in the #$%# can anybody actually sit and watch this show? Sheesh!
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O
I forgot NIABP(Not In Alaska Bush Phonies) was on last night. Anyhow I had something better to do. I painted my garage and was watching the paint dry. Again I'll just wait for the review.
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G
I wish I had watched your paint dry for hours then seeing the ABP howl for 2 minutes.
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G
Recap coming soon! I was on vacation with the family at ... Great Wolf Lodge.
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G
Family vacation over recapping ABP for your readers. Come on Berenz, let try to get your priorities straight please.
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O
David there are many things I'd rather do than watch NIABP. Like going down to the barber shop and watch people get haircuts, watching my tomatoes turn red or watching my dog sleep. Growing up in the mountains and hunting and fishing my entire life I find these morons nothing but a bunch of phonies. There gig has run entirely to long and nothing is believable anymore. Not after seeing pictures posted of how they really live. I doubt any of them would last 2 weeks here in the mountains without a hotel.
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G
2 weeks is giving them way too much credit. They have no clue at all. In the two minutes I watched Rain couldn't even tell the difference between animal howling and their bunch of fake howls. Makes me laugh how they can't even remember the lies when the cameras are rolling.
This thing isn't just running way too long but it is defying gravity at this point.
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B
Yeah I know I live here but would like to hear from somebody that actually spent a dime there. Worth the money or just hook up the slippery slide and hose? Agree with David, support your local businesses if one is gonna take a vacation, as in Noah’s Water Park in your own back yard. You trade 76 f for 110 f? Truly worried about you
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G
We went to the Great Wolf Lodge in Illinois with the in-laws. I'd say it's like heaven on earth for kids and a cash-sucking hellmouth for their parents. I s'pose I'll be dragged to Wisconsin Dells some day. 💸
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G
I know! I'm so friggin' far behind.
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B
Yeah we just got one in Phoenicia , not knowing this was a chain outfit. Your description is apt, now do the math with six grandkids. Perhaps one of the WBP will allow me to hide on their 40 acres.
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C
Though I continued to follow The Alaskan Bush People by your reviews
Ryan we no longer had The Discovery Channel in our cable package
for at least 4 years but my husband and I are back. I could not
convince my husband to watch the season premiere he did watch 30
minutes the next night. Now that he read your review and saw a picture
of Noah fall in the snow he plans on watching it again. We both were
surprised Noah married first. My husband thought none of them
would marry. I told him if there are women who marry men in prison of
course they will get married!
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B
Speechless but at least for the next episode of series 438 as per the previews there be blood on the ground and wolves afoul. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
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O
I made this easy on myself. I don't watch Not living in Alaska Bush people. I'm just reading your review and the whole time thinking I'm so glad I didn't watch this crap.
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B
Cibby , as executive director and president of pork slop productions responsible for WBP on Discumery it is my duty to advise you since you no longer watch WBP you must return the following post haste to avoid legal action
1. WBP membership card
2. Replica decoder ring used by all WBP
3. Any honorariums bestowed upon you by WBP, to include any Honorary college degrees bestowed on you as well by the WBP such as mechanical engineering, veterinarian science, construction engineering, advanced naval navigation and sociology.
4. Any acreage given to you by the ABP/CBP/WBP either as a gift or which may be construed as a bribe.
Thank you.
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O
Bob I was hoping to keep Matts manual on the handling of black powder, large fireworks displays and other explosive material. I will however return the decoder ring and home construction manual. I burnt the WBP membership card.
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B
Well Cibby, I usually don’t make exceptions on matters so severe, but if you promise to watch any five minutes of this weekend spectacular show, I shall relent on matters relating to Matt. Consider yourself very, very lucky.
Bob
Pork Slop Productions
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G
Cibby must also give up the official WBP underwear.
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O
Geez I was hoping you all would forget about the underwear!
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B
Not on your best day.
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G
The conex (which is the term we use in Alaska and not shipping container) leaning precariously on the hill I found quite symbolic of the cast, the production company and Discovery. To me it says... We quit caring long ago
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G
Each episode seems like it took about a day to film, if that. If they were smart they could get this whole season filmed in a week. I have said before (for 10ish seasons), NOTHING ever happens on this show. How on earth people tune in for this is beyond me.
If you google ABP all that is really on there is dumb stories about the cast having kids. YAWN. Like nobody has had a child before. The probability that we will have to publicly support these children when this show finally dies is probably high, so I don't see much to celebrate there.
So I went and looked at the ratings (my specialty) and it was in 9th place on the Sunday cable ratings with 1.838 million viewers total and a .4 18-49. I think both of those number are right near all time lows if memory serves me correctly. The premier of Serengeti was the big lead in show, and 500K didn't stick around for ABP. ABP wasn't even mentioned in the recap of the nightly ratings so even they are bored with it. I did think it was interesting that Sunday night on ESPN the Red Sox vrs Yankees only beat it out by 400K. Not sure if that is a compliment to ABP or a slap at baseball. With the cheapness of producing this crapfest I am sure is is still profitable. On the other hand we know from Raising Wild that there is a line in the sand where they will cancel something. Dang that show crashed and burned quick.
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G
The ABP ratings were incredibly low for a season premiere. That’s still a pretty good ranking, though. August TV is usually crappy. Discovery pulled Raising Wild back in June and is now airing the whole season right after ABP. Raising Wild didn’t even hit the ratings chart!
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G
I am glad you told me about Raising Wild as I don't watch ABP and don't have anything on Discovery on Sundays so I wouldn't have even known it was on. Wow! I looked and it wasn't even in the top 50 for Sunday cable ratings on the site I look at. People clearly don't give a crud about Raising Wild. That is horrific. Like you said, ABP is still overall a pretty good rating so I don't know what else you could ask for as a lead in. Question now is will Discovery continue on with the show or pull it again? It is one thing to give a show a chance. It is another to drive your audience completely away despite with a good lead in. I think the show was a really bad idea because on the surface it sounds so similar to ABP. ABP stays on cause they have built a following, not that the idea of the show is good.
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Raising Wild is on the DC schedule through early September, so my guess is it will just finish out its one-season run and not return.
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G
I am quite sure they aren't filming a season 2, no doubt about that. Just seems like if it is that badly rejected you get it off the air and you throw on some reruns of something else. Like an animal that is badly hurt... put it out of its misery already.
When it was pulled the first time I pulled up a couple of fan pages (yes if Raising Wild can have a fan page anything can), and it was pretty funny how they were in disbelief how the show could get pulled after only two episodes. Completely oblivious to the fact there are rating, and if nobody watches you don't stay on the air. Apparently the 12 people on the fan page were half their viewing audience.
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G
DC realized after two episodes that RW was a dud and the only way to salvage it might be a relaunch paired up with ABP. Some viewers saw that Sunday's RW episode was a rerun of the series premiere and turned it off. DC paid for all of RW, so they might as well air it (with a cheap rate for advertisers, of course).
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G
That is true. It is a 6 season episode so it isn't like they are committed to a 28 episode season or anything that bad (amazing how much longer and more episodes the shows were when I was a kid then they are now).
Even if it was a rerun that show has no hope.
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O
Every single one of the Brown’s are either superb actors or dumb as a sack of doorknobs...
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G
Definitely the second!
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