'Alaskan Bush People' New Season Preview: Enough Already! (VIDEO)
Who's ready for another howlin' good time with the Browns?
Discovery Channel's Alaskan Bush People is back for a newish season of phony off-the-grid living in
Alaska Bushington, featuring Billy Brown and his family circus on their quest to further lower the bar on television quality.
Here's a preview of the horrors that await us beginning August 4:
Right out of the gate, Bear howls. Do you know that I literally give the middle finger to the screen whenever someone howls on this show? I do. And I mean literal "literally," not the misused Brown family sense of the word.
As is tradition, we break down the Discovery Channel press release:
THE WILDERNESS PUSHES THE BROWN FAMILY TO NEW LIMITS IN ALL-NEW SEASON OF DISCOVERY CHANNEL’S ‘ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE’ PREMIERING SUNDAY, AUGUST 4
(Los Angeles) — New goals, new challenges, and new additions to the Wolfpack push the Brown family to their limits in an all-new season of Discovery Channel’s hit series, ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE.
Discovery's calling this a new season despite the fact that they clearly said MIDSEASON finale back in March. I guess we have to call this Season 10ish. Keeping track of the number of seasons is hard, and Park Slope doesn't have the budget for addition.
After six months on the mountain, the Wolfpack has fully re-dedicated themselves to the goal of total self-sufficiency they began in Alaska.
The Browns are totally self-sufficient. They use the self-checkout lane at Walmart.
But winter is closing in and it’s a race against the clock as the Browns set out to achieve their dream of a big mountain ranch. The brand-new season of ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE premieres Sunday, August 4 at 9PM ET/PT on Discovery Channel.
WINTER IS RIGHT THERE!! Keep in mind that a lot of Season 10ish was filmed in the fall of 2018, so LAST WINTER WAS RIGHT THERE!!
With land divided up amongst the Brown children, the family faces new wildlife threats as they race to complete necessary infrastructure, including unique homes for each sibling.
New wildlife threats? Are the bison coming for revenge? Are they smuggling exotic animals in from Madagascar? Whatever they are, I'm sure we'll see plenty of trail-camera footage of them being totally harmless and the Brown family needlessly going to DEFCON 1.
With winter only weeks away, it becomes even more critical this season as the Wolfpack grows by one member, with the addition of Noah and wife Rhain Alisha’s first child, Elijah.
Young Elijah came into this world in February, and he's about the only real thing the Browns have produced in 10ish seasons. We'll see a lot of nonsense about Noah having to finish building his concrete-block castle deathtrap before their kid pops out, but we know that Noah and his wife, She Who Will Not Be Named, were safe and snug in Coeur d' Alene, Idaho, or in the very nice home Billy bought for them in Colorado.
The family’s excitement around the first Bush baby is accompanied with new challenges, but Noah’s resourcefulness is called upon as he works hard to create practical innovations for his new son including a self-warming baby bath, a power-tool driven baby rocker and a castle house.
It's good that all this stuff is fake and doesn't work, or I'd be incredibly concerned about the welfare of little Elijah. Putting an infant in a "self-warming baby bath" sounds like a recipe for boiled grandbaby stew.
A "power-tool driven baby rocker"? I'm pretty sure chainsaw-powered baby rockers were recalled by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission last year, but be sure to check your product's model and serial numbers to be sure.
Obviously, since you're still alive, you have not attempted to re-create any of the Browns "inventions" at home. Please do not start doing so now. The Browns are trained imbeciles working under the supervision of a film crew desperate for work.
This season also brings Billy closer to his dream of running a fully-functional family ranch equipped with horses, a fortified bullpen and a winterized barn.
Noah's going to build a self-warming bull bath for Brutus.
In addition, Ami continues to regain her strength and makes plans to start prepping for her garden in the spring. In the season premiere, the Brown family works together after a snowstorm to haul a connex up the mountain for Bear’s new dwelling.
Until his connex [sic?] house is built, Bear will take motel bathroom selfies.
Bird and Rain discover a billy goat in their herd and go to extreme lengths to confirm their suspicions that one of the female goats is pregnant.
Birdy and Rainy had difficulty with the udders vs. scrotum conundrum, so watching these two play OB/GYN to a goat should be a real hoot.
Throughout the season, the Wolfpack will work hard to accomplish their goals in pursuit of complete self-reliance, while mother nature and a freezing winter bring new challenges and dangers to their mountain homestead.
And Billy will be in the camper with his ass firmly entrenched in the couch cushions, telling his family how important it is that they do all the work and do it immediately or he won't fulfill his months-long dream of a ranch or some junk.
In other developments, the Browns like to break news and give birth right before a new season of Alaskan Bush People starts, so here's some stuff they hope might boost ratings for the season premiere:
Gabe and new wife Raquell are spawning. This is Gabe's first child. It's Raquell's third.
Bear has attracted another human female interested in appearing on television. Her name is Raiven, because of course it is. I think I need to create an online Alaskan Bush People character name generator.
I hate this show so very much.
Alaskan Bush People, Season 10ish Premiere, Sunday, August 4, 9/8c, Discovery Channel