‘Alaskan Bush People’: ‘A New Chapter’ (RECAP)
On the Alaskan Bush People episode “A New Chapter” (Aug. 16), as Ami prepares to undergo treatment for lung cancer, siblings Bear, Bird and Rain work to give the family’s homestead back to the Bush. The entire wolfpack looks to the future and finds strength in the hope for a new place to call Browntown.
Sigh. A new chapter, same old B.S.
The deconstruction of Brownton Abbey continues, with Bear, Birdy and Rainy pretending to clean up the mess that the family and production crew made of some lovely Alaskan rainforest. Bear wants to leave behind a marker with a message burned in some of Matt’s crappy lumber. I give that wood three years before it completely decomposes. Birdy recommends that it read “The Browns Were Here.” Simple enough. Anything more than that, and we’re getting into two-syllable words, and that’s just not the Brown Way.
I’ll someday get around to photoshopping more stuff on that marker, I promise.
Here’s another one of those things that Bear always does, and you’re just now hearing about it. He’s collecting tree sap into spent ammo shells, adding a wick to them, and then using them as fire starters. He wants to bring these things home because they’re symbolic of something. I’ve lost track of all of Bear’s inane symbols.
It’s time for Bear to fire up a disco inferno.
Bear gets a campfire going, then he yells, “Fire gods! There’s fire burning right now!” I’m not sure the Good Lord looks too kindly on all this paganism. Between this and the fairy circle trap he set a few episodes ago, Bear might end up starting fires with Beelzebub himself.
Cut to Los Angeles, where Ami and Billy are back at the hospital getting yet more preliminary examinations and consultations before starting chemo and radiation. Why is it taking so long to even start treatment? Why do they keep dragging this out? It’s like these doctors went to the Park Slope School of Medicine. Maybe they should leave Ami’s treatment up to this guy:
Ami weighs a mere 96 pounds, she has high blood pressure and is experiencing abdominal pain. Ami’s cancer is a real bummer for Billy, and he’s probably got high blood pressure, too. Just wait until he finds out what Bear did with the Integrity.
Are you sick of Bear yet? No? Good, ’cause there’s a lot more of him! Bear and Birdy are out on the beach, taking apart Matt’s terrible plastic wrap greenhouse that never housed a single crop. “Stuff like this doesn’t really belong in the Bush, not plastic and stuff like that,” Bear says. “So as the Browns disappear from Browntown, so will all the visible stuff that would pollute the otherwise fantastically beautiful beach.” Removing the invasive Brown species should remedy 90 percent of the ecological catastrophe.
Our Dear Narrator, Asa, says that Bear, Birdy and Rainy are working to “compile all remaining assets that fit their vision of a life in the Lower 48,” as though reading off the job description of some mid-level sales manager. Apparently one of those assets is a porch swing. So, yeah, they’re going to try to haul a stupid bushcraft porch swing to the Lower 48 because it symbolizes some junk.
In California, Billy and Ami get a visit from…Bill and Margaret Fuller…again. What’s with these two? Does the ABP production office have a red phone hotline directly to the Fullers? “There is a major plot hole we need to fill! CALL THE FULLERS, PRONTO!” They seem like nice people, and I’m sure they’re a blast at bridge club or pickleball night, but the Fullers need to stay off my television.
Billy and Bill sit down to talk, and Bill mentions a piece of land that some old friends own and might be willing to part with to build a new Brownton Abbey. Thanks for that intel, Bill. You may go back to Texas now.
There’s a rather touching scene with bedridden Ami offering some life wisdom interwoven with shots of colored glass bottles in a sunlit window. I’ll set aside my ABP cynicism and just let her words speak for themselves.
“Don’t figure it out. Just live. Be happy. Have fun. And do good.”
And that beautiful moment is followed up by Birdy poking at bear poop with a stick.
Now that’s symbolism. Birdy is sentimental about leaving the bears of Chicago Bears Island. She’s especially going to miss the baby bears. Birdy once proposed adopting a baby bear as a member of the family and raising it to help ward off other bears. Her plan did not come to fruition.
It’s satisfying to witness the demolition of the useless things the Browns have built over the years. I would’ve gladly watched more of it. I daydream of Kenny and I running amok in Brownton Abbey, destroying things with a 10-pound sledgehammer. I would start by bashing Noah’s stuff: the clothes dryer/incinerator, the washing machine, the butter churn, the telephone booth, the wind turbine electrical station…ahhhh, that feels good. Sadly, we don’t get to see much more than Bear punching the piss out of Noah’s electrified bear fence. It’s the humane thing to do.
Here’s more proof that Bear is awful. They’re roasting s’mores around the campfire, and Bear pretends that his marshmallows are the space shuttle burning up on reentry. “Crash and AWESOME burn!” He’s just so bad. His schtick grew tired back in Season 2, and ABP leans so heavily on him now because he’s the comic relief to offset all the dull and depressing stuff. He’s also like the only Brown who seems interested being on the show.
Rainy likes the camera, too, but what 14-year-old girl doesn’t? She’s all over the social media these days, so you can dump that pretense about the Browns not having smartphones or knowing what selfies are.
She still has much to learn about what to post and what not to post, but so do most teenagers.
Things we used to share by @ThomasSanders ❤️ pic.twitter.com/pHhbZjvPAZ
— Rainy brown (@heroofkirrkwell) July 27, 2017
It’s also wise to not post any “I can fit this whole s’more in my mouth” videos on YouTube.
AWW, HELL YEAH! Noah is BACK and he’s more BAD-ASS than ever!
Noah just turned into that guy you knew in high school who popped the hood in the McDonald’s parking lot every Friday night. Noah rolls his purple Camaro into what appears to be a rest stop. I am reminded of this glorious scene from Billy Madison.
I don’t know why the camera crew took this shot from behind their vehicle’s side mirror, but that’s why they work for Park Slope and not Amblin Entertainment.
“The Camaro, it’s one of those fixer-upper cars,” Noah says. “I actually found it in Juneau. Since I first test drove it, there was just something there. It’s supposed to be my car.” It’s a POS. It’s perfect for Noah.
Noah’s on the road to L.A. to meet up with the family. He keeps saying “we,” but the other part of “we” is neither seen nor mentioned. Poor Rhain. She’s stuck with Noah, but now she doesn’t even get to be on TV, which would be the only imaginable perk of being stuck with Noah. It seems her great Alaskan adventure broke apart on reentry. Crash and AWESOME burn!
The Camaro has been less than reliable. He’s had to replace the radiator and the wheels, and he’s rebuilt the carburetor twice. It was 180 degrees inside the car because it has no A/C. None of these mechanical problems faze Noah, because he claims to “speak engine.” Pffft. He barely speaks English. He says he “can fix anything,” and “that’s not arrogance.”
Noah is arrogance incarnate. He’s also got some creepy Norman Bates-ish stuff going on. He says he can’t wait to be back in the nest, so his mom can sit on them all and keep them warm.
It’s finally time to bid adieu to Brownton Abbey. Bear, Rain and Birdy say their goodbyes, but not before howling one last time. Always with the damned howling. Here’s a question: What are they planning to do with that new skiff? Just give that away, too? More importantly, what are they doing with the sacred remains of the original Skiff? They need to give it to me! IT’S BUSH CODE, DAMMIT!
Bear, Birdy and Rainy return to California, and there is much rejoicing. I’m waiting for Billy to ask Bear, “So how much did you get for the Integrity?” That’s never even discussed. Bear reunites with Matt, and they discuss Matt’s little near-death experience with explosives. “And what we saw, man. It’s a war zone,” Bear tells Matt, still towing the line that Matt blew himself up while heroically trying to deter bears. “It was like you vs. the bears. Seriously.” Matt shows off his head wound to Bear. (The camera doesn’t really show anything. Was the wound on the other side?) Then they talk about the old days of being kids and doing the kind of dumb, dangerous stuff that they’re still doing as adults. “We’ve always been simular [sic], actually,” Bear says of his relationship to Matt. You can definitely see the simularity [sic].
Bear looks a little like me in 1983, though I was not as EXXXXTREME.
Ami has to stay above 91 pounds or she could be hospitalized and put on a feeding tube, so they’re trying to stuff her with as much food as possible. Rainy cooks omelets, and Billy helps slice up tomatoes. It’s a bizarre scene in the kitchen, with Rainy looking like June Cleaver and Billy wearing a bathrobe over his clothes and boots.
The family gathers around Ami’s bed to discuss plans for building yet another Brownton Abbey. They should first make plans on finding Ami some bedsheets.
After some rigmarole, it’s revealed that the Browns are moving to Colorado. “Billy’s new dream is a 40-acre parcel of land in the wilderness of southwest Colorado, far from the trappings of modern society,” says Our Dear Narrator. “The land is just miles away from where Billy and Ami first fell in love with the wild over 30 years ago.” Suuure it is. Ami starts talking about the ancients, the Anasazis, who used to inhabit that area. I could see the Browns carving some cliff dwellings over the next five ABP seasons. Bear asks if Colorado has trees, and I’m disappointed that no one punches him. He describes the forest as “magical.” It will be the perfect place for Bear to practice his pagan idolatry.
In the interstitial scene, we find Bear, Birdy and Rainy in Brownton Abbey putting things into a time capsule, which is just a hole in a hollow log. I’m sure when these artifacts are discovered centuries from now, Dr. Zaius will use them as evidence of humans’ inferiority.
Next week is the season finale. It’s a two-hour affair. Will it be the last episode ever? Probably not. But we can dream.
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Thank you for saving me the pain of watching this shit show.Nice review.
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I wish Ami would be allowed in the living room, but I suppose the only furniture production rented was a bed and a couple of side chairs. And, sincerely, the lack of sheets really makes the set convincing. When Bear gets an interview, he always has his head tipped back a little and his words are strained in a weird, EXXXTREME fashion. It drives me out of my damn mind! If he keeps up his stupid act, he will never get a job anywhere after this show is over. Mr, Berenz, Planet of the Apes references are genius! Looking forward to the photo shopped stupid plaque. I'm watching the season finale right now and kind of want to gouge my eyes out with a spoon.
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Perfect! Damn them all to hell!
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You kinda remind me of "Fritz" the F.B.I. guy in the 'Unabomber' series that's being aired now. He got into Ted Kacynski's mind like you got into the whole damn Brown family's mind! Good piece!
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"Between this and the fairy circle trap he set a few episodes ago, Bear might end up starting fires with Beelzebub himself." lol. All these scenes with Bear make me want to scream & run away, I feel just watching him is not good for our brain cells. And poor Ami was quite stoic this episode. She seems like she's had time to think about life and had words of wisdom. I can see why Gabe is keeping a lower profile, maybe because it's a bit like they're exploiting their mother's terrible illness.
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I'm half joking about Bear's paganism, but for the "Browns Are Good Christians" crowd, his making offerings to "fire gods" should raise some eyebrows.
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Yep, there's something fishy there lol
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Ryan, great recap but you already knew that. As I have stated before I am not gonna play gotcha with Pork Slop and their miserable 😭 editing.
The only thing that bothered 😕 me about this episode was when Billy got 40 acres, a mule and a chicken 🍗 in every pot. And what got me the most was Billy's low aside that their new homestead is just an hour away from the hospital. Ryan, I have had the unfortunate luck of shuttling 5 of my closest relatives to M D Anderson in Houston where between the five they probably had collectively 42,543 gallons of chemo pumped into them or were zapped with so much radiation they glowed in the dark. We were on average about 6-7 miles from the hospital and trust me with stage three or four cancer that 6-7 miles felt like a trip over the Oregon Trail, both coming and going.
Sorry 😐, didn't mean to deliver an epistle, but this cancer thing really pisses me off and while I wish Ami the best, but there had better not be a miracle cure that Discumery is holding back.
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Thanks as always, Bob! The Browns were in Colorado only a short time before they headed back to Cali so Ami could be closer to treatment. There's all sorts of strange stuff going on behind the scenes. Stay tuned…
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I hear ya! I've been skeptical bordering on cynical sice billy ( of course) announced it. Stage 3-4 and they are waiting for her to gain weight (as an outpatient) to start any treatment doesnt add up. Then ONLY an hour away solidified it for me. We won't see any hair loss unless billy shaves her head! A miracle from God is sur la taub!
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When I was a Boy Scout we were taught to "always leave a campsite cleaner than it was before you arrived..."
Apparently that's exactly what the eco-friendly Brown Family did. Their homestead is once again pristine forest!
Umm, except for the rusting, ratty looking phone booth... and the huge pile of rotting, stinky, mosquito-breeding tires... and a treehouse (whose walls are smeared with something that looks like blood - Calling Charles Manson!) apparently built by some learning disabied 8 year olds...
And, probably, a cow and two domestic cats wandering aimlessly, hoping all the bears have become vegetarians.
Good luck to Colorado!
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I know lots of stuff was sent to the dump and lots of other stuff was sold. I haven't heard about what became of the cabin, if it will just be left standing there. Sabrina is safe elsewhere.
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Even Deadheads pick up their trash....
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Living in Colorado, it is my dream that they go somewhere else. Just as a reminder, in Colorado you HAVE to get a permit to build, you CANNOT start fires whenever you want, you CANNOT shoot across a road, and you need hunting license to hunt during the various seasons. Why move to Colorado? You still have to obey the laws, oh and by the way you HAVE to pay taxes as well.
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Watching this show is like the huck after a big swig of moonshine!!! Ya know, that poor Asa, there is no way he watches this show while delivering his smooth dirge. Not without cracking up!
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I like to think that Asa has never seen the show and just comes to the sound booth, reads his lines, collects his paycheck and goes home.
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Either that or the man has no conscience and would lie to his mother's face. I agree that if he watched the show there's no way he could get through doing an episode without busting his gut laughing. Or just walking out of the booth because the lies are more than his soul can bear.
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I don't think I've ever heard a single detail about the finances of Beartown. Do they own the land? If so, do they simply walk away from years of work and leave it to the bears? Last I knew, property was considered an investment. The boat, we now know, has been given away for free. Yet nobody seems to have any source of income, except from the tv show itself. And I must say-they dress pretty fancy for a "bush" family. So now we're to believe that they're going to start over on 40 acres of Colorado territory? Where does the $$$ come from for that option? Or maybe it's free land, like the original homesteaders got.
I'm old enough to remember 'Ozzie and Harriet', 'Leave It To Beaver", and 'Father Knows Best', not to mention 'Bonanza.' This show is really more of the same, fifty some years later. I just drove to Alaska from New York this spring (and back)-and I can tell you, it ain't cheap. A pizza in Tok, you say? Tasty, and $18. Beer in the Yukon? $31 for a twelve pack. I know what it costs to drive 11,000 miles, stay there, and check things out. Add seven more people and you're talking some serious bucks. What you need to watch this show is a willing suspension of disbelief. Then it's just a lark in the woods, with fancy jackets. Colorado Bush People, here we come.
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The land was leased by the production company, not owned by the Browns. And the Browns did not own the boat, the Integrity, nor was it given away for free. It was sold. You are correct that the numbers don't add up. The show is not real.
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Thanks for the info, Ryan. In the last three hour episode (last week), they made it appear that the Integrity was being given to a family of five for free. Lots of hugs all around. There was a comment or two from the kids about what Dad would think. More malarkey, I suppose, for the sake of the plot.
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I certainly hope since they are moving from the bush someone will get this family some dental care
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Rate the Browns from relatively the smartest to potato.
Bam
Noah
Billy
Rain
Ami
Gabe
Bird
Matt
Bear
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I think I'd rate mr.cupcake #2
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Browns I would consider hiring for a job:
Bam
Gabe
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Browns who I would let feed my dogs and cat for a weekend in a real pinch:
Bird
Rain
Bam
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I posted on twitter that if I were considering hiring outside help on the homestead, out of the whole bunch o' Browns, I'd seriously consider Gabe.
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Browns I would feed TO my dogs:
Bear
Noah
Billy
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Is this a trick question?
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Good choice! Gabe is like an ox. Strong back, weak mind.
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That's a good list. I'd probably swap Matt and Ami's spots.
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I can't imagine a whole new season with Bear Brown as a main character due to Bam,Noah and Gabe leaving. Of course Matt will still be there to make it even worse. Bear,Bird and Rain sure left the island just as it was before they came with a house a couple shacks and the phone booth from Get Smart still there. Good job kids but you forgot that black cat that was roaming around in a few scenes. I'm sure it's hiding from the bears in that phone booth. Does anyone but me think Rain should be in school somewhere so she doesn't end up like Bear wondering if there are trees in Colorado. So even though Billy getting free land in Colorado for a new Browntown didn't work out I'm sure the finally will be about there new homestead. I can't see where there could be another season if there back in California for Ami's treatments and 3 of the brothers out of the show.
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First, I have not heard such a terrible singing voice since Yoko Ono caterwauled in public with her band, the Plastic Onos.
Second, those Brownklowns who don't want to be on the show any more may have wised up, signed with agents, and are negotiating.. and they may be successful. There are some really delusional people who believe in the Brownklowns as being authentic bush people. And they will follow the Brownklowns Colorado adventures, faithfully. So the reluctant Brown kids may make out financially.
Third, I watched my big brother die of lung cancer. It is ugly. He looked like he was trying to breathe under water. He did it to himself with Salems. Ami chose Marlboros. I wish Park Slop would inject one iota of honesty into the show by addressing the tobacco issue, including Billy's tobacco stained hideous moustache. Tobacco is a terrible addiction, tougher to kick than cocaine. The picture of Ami being wheeled into the hospital, with a pack of Marlboros on her lap is stark evidence of that.
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I lost my sister to cancer at age 42 I know what these treatments can do to a person. I would not want to make a tv show out of it. Not even a fake outdoor one. Living my entire life in the mountains and providing for my family when they were young by hunting and fishing the Browns were good for a laugh. Shooting deer with scope covers still on ankle length coats and top hats it was scripted you knew they would never really survive in the wild. But all shows come to an end and this one is well past that time.
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I think it was determined that those weren't smokes on Ami's lap in the hospital. It's a pack of tissues. But, yes, apparently Ami did smoke.
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Here's what Gabe's been up to. He's staying at the Beverly Hills Hotel and getting facials. If this isn't the biggest F.U. to their superfans, I don't know what is.
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It's almost like they got their fame & now they're done with the people that made them famous. You know the type...we've all had that one "friend" in our lives that split after they got all they could & no longer needed us.
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Hey Ryan! I don't even know where to start...O.K., so Bear seriously needs some sort of psychotherapy. I can't even stand to hear him speak anymore. He sounds like a complete moron every time he opens his mouth. If Park Slope is relying on him to hold this band of gypsies together & keep this "show" going forward, I place them in the same category as the Brown family. I'm wondering if Gabe has had an attack of conscience about all the lying and that's why he refuses to film. He always struck me as being frightened of disappointing Billy. Maybe he woke up with some new found morals. I watched that video of Rain singing & I'd say she shouldn't quit her day job, but well, she doesn't have one, so...But I don't think singing is her calling. I still feel the same about Billy as I always have...I haven't a bit of use for him. I realize he's suffering right along with Ami, but isn't it time he realized that "it's not all about him"? Something popped into my mind the other day...remember when Ami was complaining about the pain in her neck (not Billy...although...!), when it was sounding like a bowl of rice crispies? I wonder if that should've been looked into further & maybe they'd have caught the cancer sooner. It also struck me as quite odd that Ami's been confined to a wheelchair, yet the previews for next week show her standing (straight...not bent over like she was when they were getting her weight). It's little things like this that keep people questioning the validity of every story line...
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Gabe is a tough read. He's barely said a word this season. Insiders were saying that he took Ami's illness really hard. I think he's just had it with this TV show crap. Remember that the stuff we're seeing on the show is several weeks old. The pictures of Ami in a wheelchair are more recent.
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Gabe always seemed pretty likable to me, good natured and hard working with a sense of humor. He should have kicked Noah's butt and taken his tent and made him do some damn work for a change.
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Thanks I love the chow so mach please Back with new chow I love alaska bush people
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