14 Life Lessons From The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All Special
Oh, what a strange, slut-shamey season of The Bachelorette it has been! It began with cries of misogyny over star Kaitlyn Bristowe and also-ran Britt FakeVanessaMinnillo competing for the lead spot, morphed into death threats aimed at Kaitlyn for daring to be a modern consenting adult woman in her 20s who actually has sex, and could very well end with her picking Shawn Booth despite her clear physical attraction to the otherwise unpleasant interloper, Nick Viall.
And last night, with one week left before Kaitlyn and whichever made-by-TV mate she picks begin their US Weekly-chronicled spiral toward becoming exes or Dancing with the Stars footnotes, we also got The Men Tell All special. This fan-favorite reunion of each season's ousted hunks is always a good time, but this one sweatily outdid itself with nuggets of wisdom worth sharing with the class. We learned things like...
—Just because you went to Princeton, claim to be a "catch," and desperately want to be the next Bachelor, that doesn't make it OK to suck as a human or trash a woman for having a good time without you. You may be a former model, Ian, but currently, you're just a tool. A tool who stands up too much during inexplicably long speeches.
—The more you talk about being picked over, the more bitter and crazy-eyed you look. Save it for the next lady you disappoint, Corey.
—Those people who sent the vicious tweets and "whore" emails to Kaitlyn are in for some ugly karma. Or, if there is any real justice in the universe, ugly kids who will always be bachelorettes.
—Ties go INSIDE the shirt collar. (Kupah, who the hell dressed you?!)
—There was a guy on this season named Tanner. Who knew?
—Like Jared, you too can go on to live a reasonably normal life after giving yourself an embarrassing superhero name like "LoveMan." It doesn't hurt if you also have the jawline of a CW star and the manners of someone who was raised right.
—"Butthurt" is a real condition. And it resembles the faces J.J. and Clint made every time someone made a joke about their homo-neurotic bromance. Don't worry guys, you're too vanilla for anyone to really think you're gay.
—Real men cry. And if Ben Z. needs someone to help him tap into his inner grief, this writer is more than willing to be that person. (Seriously, call me. I'll be gentle.)
—Fake men cry, too. Just ask J.J.
—Those Clorox "Bleachable Moments" ads are the 10th ring of hell.
—As long as you have a massive collection of sparkly, see-through dresses and two-finger rings, things will be fine. Having 25 guys gunning for your junk helps, too.
—Amy Schumer needs to guest on every season. Of every show.
—Fake wakes are not hot.
—Chris Harrison kinda is. Don't judge.
—One doesn't need to be edgy to be attractive. Which probably explains why Ben Higgins is the next Bachelor.