‘Alaskan Bush People’ Season Premiere: ‘One for All’ (RECAP)

Ryan Berenz
15 Comments
Alaskan Bush People 'One for All'

In Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People season premiere “One for All” (June 14), the Browns continue to work hard and tirelessly to gather food, secure resources and build everything from scratch in their pursuit of a self-sustaining town and being more isolated and independent than ever before.

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'Alaskan Bush People' Season Preview: The Book of Kenny

So maybe you tuned into the Season Whatever premiere episode “One for All” and asked yourself, “Who can I call at Discovery Channel to get reimbursed for that hour of my life they stole from me?”

This “season premiere” was in reality a recap of last season (which was bad) with two minutes of footage from this season (which will be much worse). So this episode managed to piss off both those who love the show and those who love to hate the show. Just take it from these irate fans on ABP‘s official Facebook page:

So we can all agree that this episode suuuuucked.

It’s like Discovery and Park Slope are the car dealers in Fargo and we’re the guys they’re screwing over with the TruCoat.

Farking liars! So let’s just blast right through the 95 percent post-consumer content of this clip show:

• The Browns brought a cow to Brownton Abbey. It did not go well.

Freakin' Cow

• Someone finally told Bam that his family bartered away his share of the red cedar. It did not go well.


• The Browns put up that wind turbine. It did not go well.

• Birdy dressed herself today. It did not go well.

• Bear tried to make windshield wipers on his eyes. It did not go well.

Seriously, Bear? That’s terrible.

• Noah tried to get a sun tan. It did not go well.

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'Alaskan Bush People' Returns to Discovery Channel in June

• “After seeking treatment in the Lower 48, this fall, eldest son Matt arrived home in Browntown,” says our dear narrator. Wait, didn’t Matt go to Juneau to dry out? He very well may have gone to rehab in the L48, too, but that was never brought up on the show. They need a continuity supervisor capable of making sure the new B.S. matches up with the old B.S. Anyway, Matt went out on his fake walkabout hunt to rediscover himself and reconnect with the Bush. It did not go well.

So, let’s talk about Matt. The “One for All” episode shows us clips from the aftermath of a medical emergency involving Matt. You may have seen the report from TMZ or other media outlets that Matt damn near blew himself up in an explosion:

https://www.facebook.com/alaskanfrauds/posts/1377827718967014

 

I contacted Discovery Channel after the story broke, but a spokesperson had no comment. So I contacted a Hoonah-area source who disputed the TMZ claim that the explosives were sitting idly in a mason jar in the refrigerator when they magically ignited themselves. Instead, the source tells me that Matt was “in the bathroom ‘playing’ with powder” and that Matt “was f***ing with the stuff at the time it exploded.” It’s quite possible that someone from the show’s production leaked a phony report to TMZ to cover up Matt’s stupidity and build credibility for the show’s eventual explanation of the event.


And then there’s Ami. We’ve poked a lot of fun at the Browns and their bad, deceptive TV show. For the most part, we’re poking fun at the characters the Browns portray on TV. The price of being on reality TV is that the character and the person are often indistinguishable to the viewer who believes everything they see on the show. Ami the person is seriously ill, and there’s nothing funny about a mother of seven losing her battle with a terrible disease. We wish Ami the best and comfort to the Browns as people.

“We’ll shut the book on the rainforest, and we’ll open a new book,” says a tearful Ami.

Please, no. No more books. Let’s just end Alaskan Bush People right now. Brownton Abbey is abandoned. The Integrity has been sold. The Skiff is dead. Matt is off the show indefinitely. Bam clearly wants out. There’s nothing left to make fun of. The Browns as TV characters need to disappear.

And still, I don’t believe that this will be the last season of Alaskan Bush People. There’s still money to be made for the Browns, Park Slope and Discovery Channel, and it’s all our fault for being too pigheaded to just ignore the whole mess.

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Bill Brown

Bill Brown

Ami Brown

Ami Brown

Matt Brown

Bam Bam Brown

Bear Brown

Bear Brown

Gabe Brown

Noah Brown

Snowbird Brown

Rain Brown

Asa Siegel

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  1. C

    CyanGuitar

    So they have no footage of Matt's meth lab blowing up?

    2

    1. G

      GoldBug

      Nope. Just the aftermath ... or aftermeth?

      2

  2. O

    OliveSnow

    Ryan you should try to buy the original skiff from Discovery and make it sea worthy again.

    1

    1. G

      GoldBug

      The Skiff is probably now in Kenny's dump and could be had for cheap.

  3. B

    BlueRadio

    Two story lake front bungalow for sale? Really wasn't gonna comment after donating one hour of my life to the "first" episode. What a rip. Enjoyed your recap, Ryan, which was the only good thing to come out of this farce. Back to the desert 🌵 for me where we are expected to hit around 120 on Tuesday or so. Are you going to the USGA open?

    1

    1. G

      GoldBug

      Thanks, Bob! No, I couldn't make it to the US Open this time around.

  4. C

    CyanGuitar

    I see a Spin Off series coming. Alaskan Bush Grandbabies, ABG. Following Noah and Rhainstorms out of wedlock heathen brats. Genius Noah can re-purpose a 50 gallon drum into a cradle. Turn a vacuum cleaner into a Breast Pump, line the cradle with the moss he applied electricity to and featuring Bear as the Extreme babysitter. As Noah would say, "It will be greataaa."

    1

    1. O

      OliveSnow

      Oh Godaaa!

      1

  5. R

    RedRocket

    Just browsing and I ind it so curious to read the hateful remarks. I mean, if you do not like the show, why bother, no one is forcing you to watch it. I's really very silly to go on a site and bitch about a show you do not watch, don't you think? There are other shows on TV. I hear you can watch the I love you Mr Trump show 24/7.

    1. B

      BlueSailboat

      Nah son, Trump is a traitor. He loves the uneducated though. People that think ABP is real are probably mostly Trump and Palin supporters.

    2. R

      RedRocket

      Today sure was proof of what Trump is doing to this country, yes he is a traitor, how any red blooded American can support him is beyond my understanding, You cannot love Trump and love America.

  6. O

    OrangeController

    I love the show and yes a lot of it is not true. I'm from the beautiful state of Alaska. I just wish people would stop acting like they never did anything wrong or bad in there life or past life. Every person has a closit full of things they did...m

  7. G

    GreenApple

    So what bathroom did it all happen in? At the hotel where he supposedly stays? If at browntown....I thought they are only there while filming. So does he have an apt there? I used to date a master manipulator/liar. He would change his story and have many versions so you never knew what was true. I guess that's what DC is doing and all parties involved. Someone that was there should tell the truth.

  8. C

    CyanGuitar

    Was it meth?

    1. G

      GoldBug

      I don't believe so. Just gunpowder.