Best Lines on TV This Week: 'I Don't Suppose My Homeowners Insurance Covers a Sharknado Attack'
Our weekly round-up of best quips, quotes and quick bits of dialogue from the latest episodes.
Joe: "I don’t suppose my homeowners insurance covers a Sharknado attack."
Wally: "I don’t understand you people! Jaws busts through your house like the Kool-Aid man, The Flash shows up, and ya’ll act like it’s no big deal."
Iris: "Yeah, well, we’ve had a lot of weird things happen in Central City in the past two years."
Wally: "Weirder than a shark wearing pants?"
Joe: "Man, you’d be surprised."
— Wally (Keiynan Lonsdale) doesn’t understand his father and sister's nonchalant attitude towards King Shark making a giant hole in their roof
Robert: "Mama has exhausted my patience this time."
Rosamund: "But she did give you Teo."
Robert: "True. I forgive her everything."
— Robert (Hugh Bonneville) reevaluates how mad he is at the Dowager (Maggie Smith) after she gives him a puppy
Bates: "So you were wrong about him?"
Anna: "I think I was. Why are you smiling?"
Bates: "Show me a man who doesn’t smile when his wife admits she’s wrong."
– Bates (Brendan Coyle) gets a good laugh out of Anna (Joanne Froggatt) after she admits to miscalculating Lady Mary (Michelle Dockery) and Henry Talbot’s (Matthew Goode) relationship
Violet: "I mean, brilliant careers, rich lives, are seldom led without...just an element of love."
Mary: "Oh Granny. You do surprise me."
Violet: "Oh I’m glad. So climbing all those stairs wasn’t wasted."
— Violet (Maggie Smith) is relieved that her hike to Mary’s (Michelle Dockery) room paid off
Jane the Virgin
Rogelio: “The beautiful woman standing next to me is going to be Mrs. de la Vega.
Xiomara: “Uh, unless I keep my name.”
Rogelio: “Why would you do that? That's ridiculous.”
On screen: #FirstMaleFeminist
— Despite playing the first time-traveling male feminist on his show, Rogelio (Jaime Camil) reveals he's not much one in real life
Michael: "Jane, I love you. I've always loved you. Oh, tell me it's not too late."
Narrator: Like I said, some moments can't be romanticized.
Michael: "Don't think. Just tell me. Do you still love me?"
Narrator: Because they're just that perfect.
— Michael (Brett Dier) surprises Jane (Gina Rodriguez) with an unexpected declaration of love
Mimi: “But what about James? I thought that was still a possibility someday.”
Ana Sofia: “So did I, but he went to go find himself, and I never heard from him again.”
Mimi: “That's so weird. It's like he fell off the face of the Earth.”
— Mimi (Diana Maria Riva) doesn't realize how on-the-nose she is about James (Zachary Levi) missing [He fell off a snowy cliff on a previous episode]
“I followed you everywhere. I went through your trash. P.S., you should really recycle more, if not for us, then for the children.”
— Ana Sofia gets some unwanted recycling advice from her crazy stalker
Marvel’s Agent Carter
“I promise to wear the periwinkle tie you knitted for me. I promise to cook apple torte at least once a week. I promise not to bite the fork loudly when I eat. I promise we can get a Bernese mountain dog. I promise to like your brown cardigan. I promise to believe in the daily horoscope. I promise I will protect you... to my dying day... If you'll please... Please... Wake up.”
— Jarvis (James D'Arcy) makes wonderful and silly promises to encourage Ana (Lotte Verbeek) to wake up from her coma
Dr. Samberly: "Chief. Chief, what do we do?"
Sousa and Thompson (simultaneously): "Do as Peggy says!"
— Sousa (Enver Gjokaj) and Thompson (Chad Michael Murray) finally agree on something
RELATED: Read More Best Lines on TV
— Superstore (@NBCSuperstore) February 23, 2016
Jonah: "So a couple of us were talking about the possibility of paid maternity leave for the employees."
Steve: "You know, Cloud 9 is devoted to supporting the welfare and values of all of its workers. Okay? Thanks."
Jonah: "Could you be a little more specific?"
Steve: "I love this. Great. We love this kind of passion and integrity that adds to all the colors of the cloud."
Jonah: "Great, but you're not actually saying anything."
Steve: "That's because I'm truly listening."
— Jonah (Ben Feldman) experiences the slick corporate runaround firsthand
“Dude, you can't get everybody here to agree to join a union. We couldn't even agree on a theme for our summer barbecue. Ended up being 1980s Arabian Nights Under The Sea Harry Potter."
— Garrett (Colton Dunn) reveals it might be impossible to band together the Cloud 9 employees to form a union
David: "This is blackmail."
Harvey: "I call it atonement, and today's the day you face the music."
— Harvey (Gabriel Macht) threatens David Green (Farid Yazdani) with jail unless he helps get Mike (Patrick J. Adams) off for a mistrial
Mike: "This is your chance to save face."
Anita Gibbs: "I don’t need to save face because they’re going to find you guilty."
Mike: "Are you sure about that? ‘Cause you couldn’t convince one judge to make me stand down, so what makes you think you’re gonna convince 12 jurors?"
— Mike's offer to Anita Gibbs (Leslie Hope) gets turned down
You, Me, and the Apocalypse
Father Jude: "Celine, did you just bear false witness in the house of God? Why don’t you want to go to Naples? Are you in the Mafia? Witness Protection Program? I know—you were a princess, and you were desperately trying to experience life as a common person."
Celine: "That is the plot of Roman Holiday."
Father Jude: "So it is Witness Protection?"
— Father Jude (Rob Lowe) thinks he’s gotten to the bottom of why Sister Celine (Gaia Scodellaro) doesn't want to go to Naples
[Random guy runs up to Jamie’s van and bangs on the window] Crisps? Coke? Taser?
Dave: "Did you say tasers?"
Jamie: "We’re fine, thanks."
Guy: "Depends, innit? Won't be long now, there won't be no laws. No please and thank you. You all right for bread? Taser. You want to keep them shoes? Taser."
— People sell all sorts of necessities on the side of the road when the world is ending
"Mary, God doesn't speak to people outside of Charlton Heston films. God definitely didn't speak to anyone in Slough in the '80s."
— Jamie (Mathew Baynton) reacts to his birth mother telling him she left him in a church car park because God told her Jamie is the Messiah
"Andy and I started out pretty hot and heavy, but, uh, the last few weeks I've just been super busy, so I guess he's feeling neglected, and he's acting a little cold. I mean, a chuck on the arm? What are we, Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer? Those are people, right?"
— Haley (Sarah Hyland) tries to put a positive spin on Andy’s super casual greeting while attempting to make a literary reference
Ernst: "You will move somewhere with rolling hills and ponds."
Richie: "What do you need a pond for?"
Ernst: "So the child may fish."
Richie: "Yeah. Yeah, listen to me, Ernst. I didn't fish. My kid's not gonna fish."
Devon: "I fish."
Richie: "You're s--ting me."
Devon: "What do you think one does growing up in rural Virginia?"
Richie: "I don't know, I just figured you went to, like, cotillions or something."
— Richie (Bobby Cannavale), Devon (Olivia Wilde) and their friends discuss where they’ll move to when Devon has their baby
Hannah: "Sorry I slept so late. Is there anything I can do to help?"
Marnie: "Um, yeah, just keep the vibe, like, super calm in here. That'd be great. And then when the hair and makeup artist arrives, you can start maneuvering the appointments."
Hannah: "Got it, on it. What do you mean by 'maneuvering the appointments'?"
Marnie: "Thank you so much. I figure each bridesmaid should take no longer than, like, 35 minutes, and that leaves me three and a half hours, which is perfect."
— Marnie’s (Allison Williams) wedding day is off to a rousing start
Fran: "Hey, man."
Adam: "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey."
Fran: "I'm, uh, just..."
Adam: "Oh, how... how... how... um..."
Fran: "Uh, you know, nothing... nothing doing, but..."
Adam: "Oh, good, good, good."
Fran: "Look, uh, if you need me to, uh... I can... I can just..."
Adam: "No, no, no, no. No."
Fran: "I didn't just... I'm not... I didn't just..."
Adam: "No, I figured with the, with the... uh..."
Fran: "Yeah, but it's..."
Adam: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
Ray: "Why don't you guys try a few complete sentences? This conversation sounds like a f--king E.E. Cummings poem.
— Hannah (Lena Dunham) boyfriend Fran (Jake Lacy) and ex-boyfriend Adam (Adam Driver) have a super eloquent conversation
"Grandma's wifi...Oh...which means, if my calculations are correct, the password will be 'Password.' [Snaps fingers] I'm in. Yes!”
— Axl (Charlie McDermott) finds a wifi connection to mooch off of from his new mobile home
Sue: "I suck at flirting."
Mike: "You're not at college to flirt. You're there to learn."
Frankie: "Don't you have to go shut down some dancing in Footloose town? Honey, don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m sure you’re fine at flirting."
Sue: "No, Mom, I'm really not. Last night, I tried to talk to a guy, and I almost died. Not metaphorically. Literally. He had to Heimlich me. I heard it's on YouTube."
— Sue (Eden Sher) realizes she needs to up her flirting game without...dying
Two Broke Girls
Caroline: "There's a car waiting out front to take us to the airport. The only thing better than a town car is a getting-out-of-town car."
Max: "And I came in to say there's a car waiting for me out front, and it's not a police car!"
— Caroline (Beth Behrs) and Max (Kat Dennings) find that all getaway cars are a good thing if it doesn't involve the boys in blue
Max: "Hi, I'm Max. I'll be your server. Today's soup is 'please don't ruin my friend Caroline's chance, it's all my fault.'" And, of course, it's vegan, no dairy."
Perry: "What's going on here?
Max:"Sir, I really screwed up, and as I screamed into your muffler yesterday, I am here to beg your forgiveness."
Perry: "I wasn't talking about you. I meant, why is there bread on my table?"
— Max impersonates a waitress to try and sweet talk a Hollywood producer into making Caroline’s movie
Be Cool, Scooby-Doo!
Sammy Samson: "You know, this has given me an idea for a new mascot. Introducing, Scooby Snacks!"
Scooby: "Scooby Snacks?"
Shaggy: "Why not Shaggy Snacks?"
Samson: "Kids want to buy snacks from a talking dog, not from a bearded guy."
Shaggy: "That checks out."
— Scooby Snacks are born when snack entrepreneur Sammy Samson can’t use his brand’s old name, Sorcerer Snacks, anymore
Abbie: "Bologna on whole wheat? That is the Charlie Brown of sandwiches."
Crane: "The bald boy with awful luck? Good grief."
— Abbie (Nicole Beharie) and Crane (Tom Mison) question his taste in sandwiches
"We are to attend the cinema this evening with Miss Jenny and Master Joe. Top of the billing at the Music Hall is E.T., which apparently concerns a diminutive being stranded far from home. Perhaps a different suggestion..."
— Crane realizes his movie night suggestion may hit a little too close to home for Abbie
Ravi: "With my head outside the window of the Millennium Falcon."
Barista: "Is that the new Ford? The one for millennials?"
Ravi: "Ford. Well played."
Barista: "Wait, what?"
— Ravi (Rahul Kohli) discovers the cute cashier at his favorite coffee shop may not be so perfect after all
— iZombie Writers Room (@iZombieWriters) February 24, 2016
Fresh Off the Boat
There's no such thing as second place in Jessica's book. pic.twitter.com/Rt1tOHTixY
— Fresh off the Boat (@FreshOffABC) February 24, 2016
Kelsey: "Liza, look, he doesn't mention you once."
Lauren: "His dumpy roommate gets more play in that article than you do."
Kelsey: "Yeah, it's basically a glossy Tinder profile."
— Liza's (Sutton Foster) friends doesn't approve of Josh's (Nico Tortorella) "forgetting" to mention her in his NY Times article