‘Alaskan Bush People’ New Season 12 Preview (VIDEO)
[Update: Since this story published, a wildfire ignited in the Palmer Mountain area of Okanogan County. Reportedly, the area involved includes the property used to shoot Alaskan Bush People. Our best wishes go out to the firefighters working to contain the blaze, and for the safety of residents and the Alaskan Bush People cast and crew.]
To my chagrin and to Discovery Channel’s shame, there’s going to be yet another season of Alaskan Bush People.
Check out the first look at Season 12ish from Discovery:
While facing a brutal winter that threatens the family’s progress on the ranch, the Browns are more determined than ever to protect their dream.
— Alaskan Bush People (@AlaskanBushPPL) July 31, 2020
After showing us a bunch of stuff from last season, we get to see what looks like a ridiculous Bush Renaissance Faire, Bear playing with his asphyxiophilia device, and Gabe drooling like a toddler and then getting his ass handed to him by an ostrich.
And howling. Always with the stupid howling.
In accordance with tradition, I recap Discovery Channel’s official press release announcing the season:
THE BROWN FAMILY BATTLES MOTHER NATURE’S EXTREME WEATHER IN BRAND-NEW SEASON OF ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE PREMIERING AUGUST 23 ON DISCOVERY CHANNEL
(Los Angeles) – This season the Wolfpack faces the biggest challenge of their lives, in subzero temperatures, to complete the family’s dream cabin on the mountain before Spring. It’s a race against time as the Browns attempt to build the centerpiece to their growing ranch during the worst winter conditions since leaving Alaska.
Fake Urgency, Fake Construction, Billy’s Monthslong Dream Ranch, Fake EXXXXTREME Weather. Damn, this paragraph has it all! I am calling total B.S. on that subzero temperatures stuff. If you look at weather data for Loomis, Bushington, you’ll see the lowest temperature recorded last winter was 4 degrees on January 14, 2020. It was mostly in the 30s and 40s in January. Where I live, that’s beach weather.
As the family struggles to protect themselves, their animals, and critical infrastructure from the extreme freeze, a new member enters the family as brother Gabe welcomes his first child to the wilderness. The brand-new season of ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE premieres Sunday, August 23rd at 8PM ET/PT on Discovery Channel.
The only thing the Browns’ animals need protection from is the Browns’ incompetence.
Brother Gabe and his wife Raquell have been surprisingly hush-hush on the birth of their new cast member, unlike Noah and She Who Will Not Be Named getting all up in our faces with every single detail of their child’s gestation. Perhaps Raquell, having already erred by marrying into the Brown family, doesn’t want to make another mistake by dragging their newborn daughter into this circus.
While facing a brutal winter that threatens the family’s progress on the entire ranch, the Browns are more determined than ever to protect their dream. In an effort to keep their parents in the bush amidst Billy’s health concerns, the kids join forces to complete a two-story cabin that will be home for Billy, Ami, Noah, Rhain Alisha, Eli, Gabe, Raquell, and their new baby. But with the foundation started late, the siblings must build a mega bonfire in an attempt to unfreeze the frozen ground.
Father Billy’s more determined than ever to protect his Discovery Channel meal ticket. They’re presenting this cabin as though it were something the kids are voluntarily building to help with Billy’s Billy Brown Syndrome, when it is really a scheme devised by Billy to keep his kids and their spouses under his thumb and for Park Slope to pay for more structures on his land.
I’d like to throw all things Alaskan Bush People into a mega bonfire and watch it get reduced to ash [Update: Well, not LITERALLY.] in an attempt to unfreeze my frozen heart.
Gabe grows into his role as protector as he becomes a dad and learns to ride a horse to scout the property.
The only thing he can scout is the internet for easily impressed Swedish women.
Gabe can’t care for himself much less another human being. It sounds like Raquell doesn’t have much else going on, so I’m sure she’ll be caring for the young ‘un while Gabe licks rocks or castrates goats or whatever.
Bear re-immerses himself in the wild as he struggles to cope with a devastating breakup.
If you haven’t been following the sordid saga of Bear and his baby mama Raiv3n, then you’re missing out on a gorgeous trainwreck. The parties have been locking legal horns over visitation and custody of their infant son, River. Bear’s lawyer, Blake Fulton Quackenbush Esq. (I’m NOT making that name up), recently dumped Bear as a client. Quackenbush must’ve realized no amount of money is worth wasting more time on this Cro-Magnon moron.
Meanwhile, Raiv3n went nuclear and claimed Alaskan Bush People is 90% fake. I don’t know what kind of non-disclosure agreement she signed to appear on the show, but I’m sure she violated it. No doubt some Park Slope shyster is already on the case. Unfortunately, Raiv3n didn’t disclose anything that we haven’t already known for years.
I wonder if ABP will acknowledge that Bear and Raiv3n had premarital sexytime resulting in the conception and birth of a child outside the bonds of holy wedlock. The pearl-clutching cat-fanciers who adore these clowns and their faux family values would have a conniption.
Noah gets inventive and builds the family’s first tractor snowplow and Bird takes her leather-crafting skills to a whole new level.
Noah’s already built a terrible fire engine and mutilated an old school bus to use as the Brown Star Ark wildfire evacuation transport. Now Noah’s going to half-ass fake build a plow attachment for his tractor. I don’t know why they don’t just get the guy who plowed the road last winter.
Those guys who are horny for Birdy just perked up, but I’m sure she’s not making dominatrix gear. She’s probably just making Bush baseball gloves. I wonder if they slaughtered Brutus the bull for his hide.
Battling extreme weather and new life changes, the Browns put their family bond to the test as they race to complete the cabin.
Fake EXXXXTREME Weather, Fake Urgency, Fake Construction, etc. Even the press releases are redundant. The only true “family bond” in the Brown clan is a mutual hostility and their total reliance on a domineering patriarch who is their lone source of income.
In addition to watching the series on Discovery, viewers can check out new episodes each week by visiting Discovery.com/AlaskanBushPeople or by downloading the Discovery GO app. Viewers can join the conversation on social media by using #AlaskanBushPeople and following the show on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter for the latest updates.
Have you ever followed the #AlaskanBushPeople hashtag on Twitter during an episode? It’s like 50 people bashing the Browns and then one clueless dolt who genuinely enjoys the show. Now Discovery is trying to push #TheBushLife hashtag on us. I’m looking forward to hijacking that one, too.
Alaskan Bush People, Season 12 Premiere, Sunday, August 23, 8/7c, Discovery Channel