‘Alaskan Bush People’ New Season Preview: A Ton of Bull (VIDEO)
We have the first look at the new season of Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People, and we’re just as puzzled as you are:
Welcome back to the Bush.
A new season of Alaskan Bush People starts Sunday March 3 on Discovery and Discovery GO. pic.twitter.com/TNW5mP6JAZ
— Alaskan Bush People (@AlaskanBushPPL) February 9, 2019
Discovery Channel made official what TV Insider told you about last month, but try to act surprised.
For today’s experiment, I will examine both the video clip and Discovery’s press release to try and figure out how this show still breathes life.
I will not attempt to explain to you what is going on in the photo below with Bear, Birdy, Rainy and Gabe all together in some kind of hot garbage stew.
As the ancient Buddhist proverb says, “The family that bathes together, stays together.” Let us commence with the press release action:
DISCOVERY CHANNEL GOES BACK TO THE BUSH IN ALL-NEW SEASON OF ‘ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE’ PREMIERING SUNDAY, MARCH 3
(Los Angeles) – After making their long-awaited return to the wild last year, the Brown family is back for a brand-new adventure-filled season of Discovery Channel’s top-rated series, ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE.
Top-rated? That’s vague. I thought Gold Rush was their top-rated show, but whatever. Honestly, ratings numbers can be spun in whatever way the network wants: demographics, time slot, day of the week, non-sports, cable, broadcast, streaming, +7, etc. But I think it’s safe to assume that Alaskan Bush People is Discovery’s top-rated series among females who just wired $10,000 to bail their grandsons out of a Honduran jail.
With their first foothold of self-sufficiency realized with the construction of their barn last season, the Browns re-dedicate themselves to the life they love off-grid in the wild mountains of the pacific northwest.
That’s nice. Here is Bear rededicating himself to the life he loves taking bathroom selfies of his abs in a motel somewhere and posting them on Instagram.
They’re closer than ever to realizing their lifelong family dream of a sustainable ranch but must overcome new challenges and incredible family changes as a brutal winter hits earlier than expected. ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE returns Sunday, March 3 at 10PM ET/PT on Discovery Channel.
And we are closer than ever to this show getting canceled! I hope Billy yells “Winter is right there!” again, because it’s been too long since we’ve made fun of that.
They played the Brutal Winter Card last year as an excuse for postponing last season’s premiere. While much of the country was getting hammered with a “very dangerous and life-threatening arctic blast,” the Browns were at a ZZ Top show in Las Freakin’ Vegas.
It’s a race against mother nature’s clock as the wolfpack attempts to build a winterized cabin, hunt, and stockpile food ahead of a harsh winter. Last year’s record snowfall made it clear that the Brown’s temporary shelter will not withstand their first full winter on the mountain, placing more pressure than ever on the family’s need to complete necessary infrastructure, including a suitable shelter before the mountain freezes.
Just like every lousy ABP season, the Browns must build ______ before they _______ their ______ off. Billy’s Grand Vision includes a cabin that his kids will pretend to build so they can stop pretending to live in teepees. The cabin, of course, will be built by a construction crew and paid for by Park Slope, who gets paid by Discovery Channel, who gets paid by a telecom company who gets paid by you. That’s right. WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE!
This season also brings extraordinary changes for the Brown family. Billy, the Brown family patriarch, has an expansive new vision for the family’s homestead, including new livestock, and a 2000lb bull.
Billy has an “expansive new vision” that involves his kids doing all the work while he sleeps off a touch of Billy Brown Syndrome. Since Billy and his brood couldn’t even take care of a single cow, he is going to be deep in it with a 1-ton bull (not sure if those are real measurements or Bush measurements).
Billy’s now too lazy to produce his own bulls**t. He needs an actual bull to do it for him.
Ami continues her incredible recovery in her fight against cancer and passes on her bush knowledge to the wolfpack.
“Ami Brown ‘Passes On'” sounds like a really bad clickbait headline. What kind of Bush knowledge does Mother Ami possess? She has her Magic Bowl that can bring forth a bounty of canned goods. She can cry at the drop of a hat. She can weave dog hair into bracelets. She can bend easily to her husband’s will. That is the sum of her Bush knowledge.
Bird spearheads hunts, and steps further into her role as a leader.
Birdy will step further into it, all right. Slathering mud all over herself for turkey hunting was ridiculous last season, so I’m curious to see what she coats herself in this time.
I find it troubling that the Browns go on a bison hunt this season. Of course, they’ll do it under the pretense that they have to kill a bison for their survival, and that’s just insulting as hell. I mourn for the bison that has to give its life for Alaskan Bush People. If I’m going to die for a Discovery Channel show, I want it to be Naked and Afraid.
Bam, the second-born son and the family’s voice of reason, has his hands full with new builds for the ranch.
Bam will continue to be the wet blanket, reminding his siblings to Respect the Danger. I’m really disappointed Bam is still a part of this mess. I don’t know how much cash he sunk into his Fathom This ferry boat thing, but it sounds like the project figuratively crashed into the dock. In the preview clip for this season, we see Bam using a post-hole digger to bury his pride as deep as possible.
Bear continues to immerse himself in the wild, while Gabe puts his new-found love life front and center.
Here is Bear immersing himself in the wild. He plays with NERF blasters now, because they won’t let him near real guns anymore.
Gabe looks rough. A diet of Lunchables and Dr. Pepper will do that to a guy. Just to clarify, that log he’s carrying in the preview is not his newfound love.
His newfound love is Raquell, pictured below with her BFF Rainy. [UPDATE: Word on the street is they got married last month.]
I wonder what Raquell and Gabe do when they get their piercings entangled. Jaws of Life?
As youngest daughter Rain approaches adulthood, she faces high expectations and potential failure, against the tradition of Brown family rites of passage.
The Brown family rites of passage include stuff like licking mud off rocks, playing with explosives, punching fish, getting terrible tattoos, trashing rented apartments, sinking boats, serving time for fraud and spending multiple stays in substance-abuse rehabilitation facilities.
The biggest change of all comes as Noah, the family inventor, and his new wife Rhain-Alisha get news that they are expecting the first grandchild of the wolfpack. Noah races to build the perfect bush home on the ranch for his growing family.
Noah, the family inventor, invented himself a Bush ultrasound machine so we could get our first look at Ami’s Grandbaby. Think about this: We are looking at footage from INSIDE NOAH’S WIFE’S UTERUS! I wonder if Cico got any drone shots.
The perfect home for the little Brownling is probably far away from Grandpa Billy’s House of Freaks.
Notice that there’s not even a mention of Matt in this press release. It’s as though he’s an Alaskan Bush Unperson. Having completed another stint in rehab, Matt is still in California and just launched his own YouTube channel (I’m not linking to it). We wish Matt well, and hope he never returns to TV. If he can stay away for good, he will have become the most successful Brown.
Throughout the season, the Brown clan is pushed to their limits as they overcome new obstacles in their quest to rebuild their natural home in the wilderness.
My sanity will be pushed to its limits as I flog every episode of this dead nag for a ninth-ish season. If I go nuts, I’m taking all y’all with me.
Alaskan Bush People, Season 9(ish) premiere, Sunday, March 3, 10/9c, Discovery Channel
Conversation18 Comments
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Comments are closed on this story.
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G
I was innocently minding my own business and watching Gold Rush (which I have watched from the beginning) and I suddenly was hit by a wave of panic and anxiety all at once. It was something I have never experienced before. Next hing I was on the floor doubled over in pain. I was in agony and was close to grabbing my phone to call 911. The pain was SEARING!!! I tried to crawl to the living room but just couldn't make it. Just when I figured all hope was lost I looked up at the TV and... yep... preview for ABP. Whew... thought there was something seriously wrong with me. Good gosh it is back. Heaven help us all.
Another season of this dumpster fire. This thing is from the undead world, it cannot be killed. I haven't thought about them in so long that I was informed with all of your great links (couldn't figure out the scam one though and how it was related). I have watched so little of this that if I really tried I could attempt to maybe stomach an episode. Think I watched the last season final episode and that has been it for 3-4 seasons. Then I will turn it on and realize that I have a great narrator who writes excellent funny recaps and it is quite pointless to waste a good hour on this crapfest. Way to take the bullet for the team Buddy.
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G
I am here for you, my man. Much love.
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Oh, and that thing about the scam was just a joke about the ABP core fanbase consisting of easily duped old folks. It had nothing to do directly with ABP or the Browns.
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G
That makes sense, and I kind of figured as much. But this is dealing with ABP so I hit the link and thought "what has Billy been doing now"? I am not sure a lot would surprise me at this point and anything is possible
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O
Your piece has a great body to it, and better ending! :{ "My sanity will be pushed to its limits as I flog every episode of this
dead nag for a ninth-ish season. If I go nuts, I'm taking all y'all with
me." We're all in this together Ryan, until "the Gabe's lady(wife) sings!"
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Ha!
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More good work, Ryan!
I am a bit puzzled by the wilderness label for the State of Washington, and I never heard anyone ever talking about Washington in those terms. about wilderness there.
As for the Brown Klowns, I will watch their symphony of lies and false claims of achievement. (Last season's fake building of the barn has topped everything else they have faked over the years, and it will be a challenge to the writers to come up with something this season. (They could open a chapter of Weight watchers, judging from the photos.)
So I look forward to your analyses of the episodes, Ryan. Peace be upon you, the Good Lord willing.
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For the umpteenth time they don't have a real house so they have to have the construction company,... I mean "they" have to fake build it. So going with the tried and true ABP formula that means taking the entire season to put posts in the ground, then in the last episode finish the entire rest of it. Then shots will ring out in the night or something far fetched happens and they have to move and start over. Wash, rinse repeat. I am rooting for them to move down to Arizona next to Bob. We have already hosted the Browns in Alaska. How did that work out? Well when fraud and jail are involved in the conversation... not so great.
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Greatly appreciated, lakerman. Looking forward to the good Bush-bashing days ahead.
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B
David, you are just too funny. But sorry, I have already sent the Brownclowns a western union money gram to be picked up at Walmart to be used as payment for a u haul truck to move their worldly possessions back to Alaska. Their land awaits them on Chiggerbite Island as I type.
Ryan, if I see one more premiere notice on Discumery about their impending start date, I shall throw a shoe through my 19 inch GE TV set. I will rely on your great recaps to sate any anxiety as to what the idiots are doing this year.
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Love ya, Bob! I'll be wandering your desert at the end of March.
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B
Well if you want free beer and wings and are gonna be in the PHX area and by that I dont mean tuba city, let me know I will give you a number to call.
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C
I'm excited for a new season of your recaps Ryan, but watching the show has such a dumbing down effect on my IQ, I actually get memory loss and mini migraines afterwards. In today's (supercharged political environment) I don't understand how people that enjoy this show have any tolerance left to be BS'd & played for fools. I will be looking forward to enjoying your painstaking reviews and to the old original commentators that have followed you through all 280 seasons though. 😉
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Patricia, I have been dumbfounded for years now how enough people watch this horrendous show(might not be a strong enough word but lets keep it clean for the kids). It really does lower IQ's just by watching, and I am not sure most die hard watchers have much to spare having sat through so many episodes.
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I've seen people so firmly entrenched in their own versions of the truth that they are unable or unwilling to accept anything else, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I think most of the ABP superfans exist in this category.
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O
That’s a good read.
Has anyone else noticed the resemblance of Ami and Harpo Marx?
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O
Where the hell did they get all the new lumber (obviously not from trees they cut down and milled themselves) and the shelving and sheeting for the "meat room" ??? How does Discovery expect ANYone to believe this crap??
These are like the stupidest and most narcissistic people I've seen outside of our current "president." And what's up with the Brown guys' obsession with their own abs and taking pictures of them? And then posting the pictures? Man, that is a cry for help right there.
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I felt sorry for the long horned cows when they got out of the trailer and realized they were being put in a pen for a show. No grass at all to eat. This show isn't fun or funny anymore. Its disgusting. PURE DIRT!!!
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