'Alaskan Bush People' New Season Preview: A Ton of Bull (VIDEO)

Ryan Berenz

We have the first look at the new season of Discovery Channel's Alaskan Bush People, and we're just as puzzled as you are:

Discovery Channel made official what TV Insider told you about last month, but try to act surprised.

For today's experiment, I will examine both the video clip and Discovery's press release to try and figure out how this show still breathes life.

New 'Alaskan Bush People' Cast Member Expected in Spring

New 'Alaskan Bush People' Cast Member Expected in Spring

Noah and Rhain are bringing forth more Browns

I will not attempt to explain to you what is going on in the photo below with Bear, Birdy, Rainy and Gabe all together in some kind of hot garbage stew.

As the ancient Buddhist proverb says, "The family that bathes together, stays together." Let us commence with the press release action:

DISCOVERY CHANNEL GOES BACK TO THE BUSH IN ALL-NEW SEASON OF ‘ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE’ PREMIERING SUNDAY, MARCH 3

(Los Angeles) – After making their long-awaited return to the wild last year, the Brown family is back for a brand-new adventure-filled season of Discovery Channel’s top-rated series, ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE.

Top-rated? That's vague. I thought Gold Rush was their top-rated show, but whatever. Honestly, ratings numbers can be spun in whatever way the network wants: demographics, time slot, day of the week, non-sports, cable, broadcast, streaming, +7, etc. But I think it's safe to assume that Alaskan Bush People is Discovery's top-rated series among females who just wired $10,000 to bail their grandsons out of a Honduran jail.

With their first foothold of self-sufficiency realized with the construction of their barn last season, the Browns re-dedicate themselves to the life they love off-grid in the wild mountains of the pacific northwest.

That's nice. Here is Bear rededicating himself to the life he loves taking bathroom selfies of his abs in a motel somewhere and posting them on Instagram.

They’re closer than ever to realizing their lifelong family dream of a sustainable ranch but must overcome new challenges and incredible family changes as a brutal winter hits earlier than expected. ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE returns Sunday, March 3 at 10PM ET/PT on Discovery Channel.

And we are closer than ever to this show getting canceled! I hope Billy yells "Winter is right there!" again, because it's been too long since we've made fun of that.

They played the Brutal Winter Card last year as an excuse for postponing last season's premiere. While much of the country was getting hammered with a "very dangerous and life-threatening arctic blast," the Browns were at a ZZ Top show in Las Freakin' Vegas.

It’s a race against mother nature’s clock as the wolfpack attempts to build a winterized cabin, hunt, and stockpile food ahead of a harsh winter. Last year’s record snowfall made it clear that the Brown’s temporary shelter will not withstand their first full winter on the mountain, placing more pressure than ever on the family’s need to complete necessary infrastructure, including a suitable shelter before the mountain freezes.

Just like every lousy ABP season, the Browns must build ______ before they _______ their ______ off. Billy's Grand Vision includes a cabin that his kids will pretend to build so they can stop pretending to live in teepees. The cabin, of course, will be built by a construction crew and paid for by Park Slope, who gets paid by Discovery Channel, who gets paid by a telecom company who gets paid by you. That's right. WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE!

This season also brings extraordinary changes for the Brown family. Billy, the Brown family patriarch, has an expansive new vision for the family’s homestead, including new livestock, and a 2000lb bull.

Billy has an "expansive new vision" that involves his kids doing all the work while he sleeps off a touch of Billy Brown Syndrome. Since Billy and his brood couldn't even take care of a single cow, he is going to be deep in it with a 1-ton bull (not sure if those are real measurements or Bush measurements).

Billy's now too lazy to produce his own bulls**t. He needs an actual bull to do it for him.

Ami continues her incredible recovery in her fight against cancer and passes on her bush knowledge to the wolfpack.

"Ami Brown 'Passes On'" sounds like a really bad clickbait headline. What kind of Bush knowledge does Mother Ami possess? She has her Magic Bowl that can bring forth a bounty of canned goods. She can cry at the drop of a hat. She can weave dog hair into bracelets. She can bend easily to her husband's will. That is the sum of her Bush knowledge.

Bird spearheads hunts, and steps further into her role as a leader.

Birdy will step further into it, all right. Slathering mud all over herself for turkey hunting was ridiculous last season, so I'm curious to see what she coats herself in this time.

Which Brown Is Just the Worst? The Most Annoying 'Alaskan Bush People' Stars Ranked

Which Brown Is Just the Worst? The Most Annoying 'Alaskan Bush People' Stars Ranked

The whole Brown family of 'Alaskan Bush People' is pretty annoying, but which one is just The Worst?

I find it troubling that the Browns go on a bison hunt this season. Of course, they'll do it under the pretense that they have to kill a bison for their survival, and that's just insulting as hell. I mourn for the bison that has to give its life for Alaskan Bush People. If I'm going to die for a Discovery Channel show, I want it to be Naked and Afraid.

Bam, the second-born son and the family’s voice of reason, has his hands full with new builds for the ranch.

Bam will continue to be the wet blanket, reminding his siblings to Respect the Danger. I'm really disappointed Bam is still a part of this mess. I don't know how much cash he sunk into his Fathom This ferry boat thing, but it sounds like the project figuratively crashed into the dock. In the preview clip for this season, we see Bam using a post-hole digger to bury his pride as deep as possible.

Bear continues to immerse himself in the wild, while Gabe puts his new-found love life front and center.

Here is Bear immersing himself in the wild. He plays with NERF blasters now, because they won't let him near real guns anymore.

Gabe looks rough. A diet of Lunchables and Dr. Pepper will do that to a guy. Just to clarify, that log he's carrying in the preview is not his newfound love.

His newfound love is Raquell, pictured below with her BFF Rainy. [UPDATE: Word on the street is they got married last month.]

I wonder what Raquell and Gabe do when they get their piercings entangled. Jaws of Life?

As youngest daughter Rain approaches adulthood, she faces high expectations and potential failure, against the tradition of Brown family rites of passage.

The Brown family rites of passage include stuff like licking mud off rocks, playing with explosives, punching fish, getting terrible tattoos, trashing rented apartments, sinking boats, serving time for fraud and spending multiple stays in substance-abuse rehabilitation facilities.

The biggest change of all comes as Noah, the family inventor, and his new wife Rhain-Alisha get news that they are expecting the first grandchild of the wolfpack. Noah races to build the perfect bush home on the ranch for his growing family.

Noah, the family inventor, invented himself a Bush ultrasound machine so we could get our first look at Ami's Grandbaby. Think about this: We are looking at footage from INSIDE NOAH'S WIFE'S UTERUS! I wonder if Cico got any drone shots.

The perfect home for the little Brownling is probably far away from Grandpa Billy's House of Freaks.

The 15 Most Awesome 'Alaskan Bush People' Characters Who Aren't Kenny

The 15 Most Awesome 'Alaskan Bush People' Characters Who Aren't Kenny

From Insane Duane and Cowboy Dean to Christy and Mr. Cupcake, here are the best 'ABP' characters who aren't Kenny.

Notice that there's not even a mention of Matt in this press release. It's as though he's an Alaskan Bush Unperson. Having completed another stint in rehab, Matt is still in California and just launched his own YouTube channel (I'm not linking to it). We wish Matt well, and hope he never returns to TV. If he can stay away for good, he will have become the most successful Brown.

Throughout the season, the Brown clan is pushed to their limits as they overcome new obstacles in their quest to rebuild their natural home in the wilderness.

My sanity will be pushed to its limits as I flog every episode of this dead nag for a ninth-ish season. If I go nuts, I'm taking all y'all with me.

Alaskan Bush People, Season 9(ish) premiere, Sunday, March 3, 10/9c, Discovery Channel

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