New ‘Alaskan Bush People’ Cast Member Expected in Spring

Noah Rhain Expecting

So, uh, I guess more congratulations are in order for newlyweds Noah and Rhain Brown of Alaskan Bush People.

As you might expect, it involves… GRANDBABIES!

The announcement was made paid for by People Magazine in a story that is half propaganda, half way too much information. Let’s dissect the article:

“We’ve taken another step in the adventure that is our life together,” says Noah. “We didn’t try, and we didn’t not try,” he adds of their family planning. “We figured that we’d just kind of let God and nature take their course and we ended up pregnant.”

Ah, the miracle of procreation. We have acquired exclusive Lost Footage of the event.

Noah says his mom Ami, who successfully battled advanced lung cancer last year, cried when they told her she was to become a grandmother for the first time—and she wasn’t the only member of Noah’s family to get excited about the news.

Mother Ami cries so much, her weeping has lost its impact. I’d say she’s crying more often than she isn’t. You’d cry too if you were married to Billy for nearly 40 years.

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“Every last one of the brothers has suddenly become so much more protective. It’s ridiculous. It’s like, my raging hormones have drawn out their testosterone-fueled protectiveness,” says Rhain. “Everyone’s like, ‘Don’t lift anything over your head.’ ‘Oh, you need a break.’ ‘How are your feet?’ ‘Do you need to sit down?’ ‘Here, let me help you.’ I’m like, ‘C’mon!’”

This is probably the first time Noah’s brothers said anything to Rhain. Now that she’s nurturing the Grandbaby seed, they all finally have to acknowledge that she exists.

Though she did experience some nausea during her first trimester, Rhain says the morning sickness “is gone” and she’s happy to remain active around the Brown family’s new homestead in rural Washington state.

Rhain’s nausea has ended. Ours just started. Why does anyone care how much a pregnant woman barfs, anyway?

“We’re always working, we never stop moving up on the mountain. I’ve even had to tell Noah, ‘Listen, if you keep picking up things for me, how am I going to stay in shape for when I need to pick up my baby?’” says Rhain. “I figure that if we just keep up what we always do, which is having a really good work ethic and working long and hard, then when the baby is born, it will grow up seeing exactly what a real family can accomplish.”

Always working? Good work ethic? Working long and hard? Real family? Rhain’s definitely going to stay in shape shoveling that kind of B.S. Hopefully Alaskan Bush People will be canceled before it can mess up their kid in his/her formative years.

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“I’m just overprotective,” explains Noah. “You are my pregnant wife,” he adds before a pause of disbelief. “I’m still trying to get used to that.”

You and me both, brotha. If my head were a mile wide, it could still not fully wrap around this concept.

Noah—the tinker and inventor of his family—says he’s already starting to plan creations for his child.

“I’m starting construction very soon on a cradle for the little one,” he says. “I’m gonna build them their cradle and Rhain’s gonna build a mobile and I’m gonna build a little baby rattle. That should be cool, I think.”

I would not put an infant within 30 feet of anything built by Noah. Seriously, he could jeopardize his child’s health and safety with his silly Bushcrafted crap. He should stick to making bug-zapper hats and useless firetrucks, stuff that’s hazardous only to him.

“Before we were even married, we had talked about names,” says Noah. “It was one of the things that we just matched up on perfectly: We knew we wanted three children. But we didn’t know what we’d get, so we set out and we picked three boy names and three girl names.” Adds Rhain: “Just in case we had all three of one or all three of the other. So, we’re ready.”

In a fit of lunacy, Rhain put everyone on blast earlier this year. She declared that she and Noah are having two boys and a girl. Their names are Elijah Connor, Billy Adam and Abigail Elexa-Mae. Their Wu-Tang Clan names are B-loved Wizard, Lazy-assed Lover and X-pert Artist.

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“Spring is when the birds have their babies, and the deer have their babies, and the bears and the cougars, so we’re gonna have our baby too,” says Noah. “We just fit right in with the animals.”

Until then, they will fit right in with People of Walmart.