Best Lines on TV This Week: ‘Now I Possess the One Darwinian Advantage Humans Have…the Ability to BS My Way Through Anything’

The X-Files - Rhys Darby
Ed Araquel/FOX
THE X-FILES: David Duchovny and guest star Rhys Darby in the "Mulder & Scully Meet the Were-monster" episode of THE X-FILES airing Monday, Feb. 1 (8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. ©2016 Fox Broadcasting Co. Cr: Ed Araquel/FOX

Our weekly round-up of best quips, quotes and quick bits of dialogue from the latest episodes.

The X-Files

“You see, now I possess the one Darwinian advantage that humans have over other animals—the ability to BS my way through anything. I mean, it’s better than camouflage!”
— Guy (Rhys Darby) reveals the advantages of becoming human

Mulder: “I’m thinking maybe it’s time to put away childish things—the Sasquatches and mothmen and…jackalopes. I thought it’d be great to get back to work. But is this really how I want to spend the rest of my days? Chasing after monsters?”
Scully: “We’ve been given another case, Mulder. It has a monster in it.”
— Mulder (David Duchovny) has a mid-life crisis that Scully (Gillian Anderson) briefly tames

Guy: “Once clothed, I became…possessed. I fought against it as much as I could, but I lost control. I had to go on a hunt. I had to hunt down a… a…”
Mulder: “A human victim?”
Guy: “No, a job.”
— Guy reveals turning human isn’t all fun and games

The Flash

Cisco: “Who’s the best hacker in the world, people?”
Barry and Caitlin: “Felicity Smoak.”
Cisco: “What is wrong with you two? That’s not friendship.”
— Cisco (Carlos Valdes) is not impressed with Barry (Grant Gustin) and Caitlin’s (Danielle Panabaker) loyalty

You, Me, and the Apocalypse

Leanne: “Maybe we’re better off on our own. I could steal us a car. We could drive off into the sunset like Thelma & Louise.”
Rhonda: “Ok. You know how that movie ends, right?”
— Leanna (Megan Mullaly) and Rhonda (Jenna Fischer) realize they may not be safe with the guys who broke them out of prison

Jamie: “It’s chaos. Absolute chaos.”
Dave: “It’s very British chaos, though, eh? Everyone’s queuing. Everyone’s still in that tarmac mindset.”
— Jamie (Matthew Baynton) has trouble meeting his birth mother in the midst of seemingly organized chaos

RELATED: Read More Best Lines on TV

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Capt Holt: “Gina, are you excited for our ‘Escape the Room’ team-building exercise?”
Gina: “I told you, sir, it would be far more effective for the squad to go to Vegas, and you give us each $5,000.”
Capt Holt: “No, I see no value in that. But nine coworkers forced to riddle their way free from a locked room…”
— Capt. Holt (André Braugher) and Gina (Chelsea Peretti) have very different views on boosting office morale

“If you screw this up and hurt her in any way, I will throw you in jail for the rest of your life, and I can do that now, Dad, so do not test me.”
— Jake (Andy Samberg) gets very protective about his mom (Katey Sagal) after she reunites with her ex-husband (Bradley Whitford)


“He tore off my scarf, a savage beast in heat. ‘You’ve been a bad little b–ch, haven’t you?’ My breasts heaved against the cool, molded plastic of the airplane’s instruments. He pressed his maleness against me. ‘Sonja,’ he growled, husky with passion. ‘I’m gonna show you why they call it a cockpit.'”
Kristen Bell gets 50 Shades of Grey (Matter) with a voiceover cameo (and becomes the fifth Veronica Mars star to stop by Rob Thomas’s show)


“She’s as strong as me. She flies like me, she fights like me, except for the fact that she talks like Cookie Monster, she is exactly like me.”
— Supergirl/Kara (Melissa Benoist) points out the one weakness that Bizarro has

“You two have not had your first kiss yet? Kara, you are like a character from a Jane Austen novel.”
— Cat (Calista Flockhart) compares Kara’s courtship process to the Regency Era

The 22nd Annual SAG Awards

“I can still remember the first time I got nominated for a SAG Award. I was only 9 years old, and I was competing against Batman.”
— Jacob Tremblay, 9, looks back on his first SAG nomination

“So you slept in a horse and ate bison liver, big whoop. Carol [Burnett] would have slept in that horse, worn it, done a song and a dance, and made a much funnier face after eating something very disgusting.”
— Amy Poehler compares Leonardo DiCaprio to Carol Burnett

Jane the Virgin

“I know what you’re doing, Mother … You’re trying to seduce me into forgiving you with a perfect blend of savory and sweet breakfast items. But it will not work this time.”
— Rogelio (Jaime Camil) is onto his mother’s strategy for alleviating guilt

The Magicians

“I’m a nothing-mancer. I’m a squat-mancer!”
— Quentin (Jason Ralph) doesn’t react well when Alice tells him her specialty, especially since he’s currently “undeclared”

Fresh Off the Boat


“Does this make sense to anyone else? White dress, $30. White wedding dress $200.” [Holds up nearly identical dress to the cheaper one.] “Is there cocaine in this or something?” [Points to wedding dress.]
— Garrett (Colton Dunn) realizes the wedding industry is a money-pocketing racket

Dina: “Name a song, though. I’ll sing it for you.”
Amy: “That’s okay.”
Dina: “No, no, go ahead. I got a photographic memory for music.”
Amy: “Okay, um…’Single Ladies.'”
Dina: “Not familiar with that one.”
Amy: “Uptown Funk.”
Dina: “Don’t know it.”
Amy: “Dancing Queen.”
Dina: “Nope.”
Amy: “Thriller?”
[Dina shakes her head]
Amy: “Michael Jackson?”
Dina: “You can’t name a song by some guy you went to middle school with. It has to be popular. [Starts singing “O Danny Boy”]
— Dina’s (Lauren Ash) claim that she can sing any song by memory may not be too accurate

“I can’t be a single mom. I have never even driven on the highway before. What if the baby needs to go downtown?”
— Cheyenne (Nichole Bloom) reveals she may be a tad inexperienced about raising a baby

Jonah: “I just think that your tastes are a little more along the lines of my grandmother’s.”
Garrett: “Okay, well, I just think that your tastes are a little more along the lines of a Wiccan space queen. What? What’s your dream wedding, anyway? A bunch of people sweating in a field while some jag reads from The Velveteen Rabbit?”
Jonah: “What’s your dream wedding? A beige Toyota Camry driven by a white guy named Matthew?”
— Jonah (Ben Feldman) and Garrett (Colton Dunn) have very, very different wedding ideas

Downton Abbey

“If I withdrew my friendship from everyone who had spoken ill of me, my address book would be empty.”
— The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith) responds to Lady Violet’s question about whether she’ll remain friends with those who oppose her

Mrs. Hughes: “And I hope he gets more out of his hamper than Mr. Carson did.”
Mrs. Patmore: “Why? What was the matter with it?”
Mrs. Hughes: “Nothing was the matter with it. Except for the fact that, I don’t seem to cook like his mother.”
Mrs. Patmore: “[chuckles] I think the correct response is to say, ‘Men’ and sigh.”
[All laugh]
— Mrs. Hughes (Phyllis Logan) laments Mr. Carson’s (Jim Carter) reaction to her attempts at cooking their first meal as newlyweds

Pretty Little Liars

Aria: “I called his landline. I called his cell phone. I even called his little brother!”
Emily: “Aria, where is your off switch? You’re going to blow a circuit.”
— Aria (Lucy Hale) is a little high-strung when she can track down Ezra (Ian Harding) who’s apparently skipped town

“My brain is telling me to be honest, but my PTSD is telling me to shut the hell up.”
— Hanna (Ashley Benson) struggles with whether to tell her fiancé about the mysterious texts