‘Alaskan Bush People’ Is Not Canceled Because It Will Outlive Us All
As much as it pains me, I must give Radar Online their due.
The news-ish organization that usually gives us compelling Alaskan Bush People content like this…
The youngest Brown looks unrecognizable. https://t.co/o8Mo0dJU3w
— Radar Online (@radar_online) April 22, 2018
…did some journalism and got a real statement from a real executive at Discovery Channel:
Exclusive: #AlaskanBush season premiere delayed due to "health issues" and extreme weather. https://t.co/dg3H4FKLLo
— Radar Online (@radar_online) April 24, 2018
Executive Vice President of Public Relations for Discovery Laurie Goldberg addressed the rumors of Alaskan Bush People‘s cancellation to the outlet. Since there’s often a great disparity between the truth and the truth as issued in a statement from a PR executive, let’s analyze Goldberg’s comments.
“The rumors of the cancellation of Alaskan Bush People are totally fabricated and completely untrue”
True! The show is not canceled. In fact, I am convinced this show will never be canceled. If PFD fraud and widespread traveshamockery can’t even kill it, I’m not sure what can.
This show will go on and on and on long after I’ve given up the ghost. My children and my children’s children will be writing stupid jokes about Gabe’s children and their children’s children in Alaskan Bush People Season 36ish.
“First of all, this has been the longest winter in the region where the upcoming season is being filmed.”
I can buy that. This spring absolutely sucked for most of the country. I was plowing snow when I should’ve been planting seeds.
Still, it seems to me that the Browns and their 30-plus years of surviving off the land in the harsh and unforgiving terrain of the Alaskan frontier should be able to easily handle even the most EXXXXTREME winter that Loomis and Lake Flaccid can throw at them. [Update: That area received a whopping .79 inches of precipitation in a single day in January! WORST WINTER EVER!] The Browns have traded surviving off the grid for surviving off Walmart, Panda Express, Instagram, and the undying devotion of the barely lucid.
“It is incredibly remote and all of the access roads to the area are closed. It really has been the worst winter ever.”
It seems like ages ago, but there was once a time when they told us Brownton Abbey on Chicago Bears Island was accessible only by boat. There were no access roads then, so why are roads so critical to the production now? What happened to Bush Ingenuity?
https://www.facebook.com/alaskanfrauds/photos/a.914151288667995.1073741829.877850308964760/1700403980042718/?type=3&theater
Is this the same family that transported a trebuchet, a cow, and an entire rotting wooden shack to their remote homestead deep in the Alaskan Bush without the aid of access roads? I will refer you again to Walmart, Panda Express, Instagram, etc.
“We are filming for the new season as we speak.”
Bravo! [Sarcastic clapping] Cameras are rolling again, and all it took was the gathering storm of Book of Hines to light a fire under their butts.
“Secondly, there have been severe health issues with several members of the Brown family. Noah had emergency gallbladder surgery and Gabe has had an awful flu-like illness for weeks.”
Serious health issues? More serious than Stage 4 lung cancer? More serious than Matt almost blasting his skull open? More serious than Billy Brown Syndrome? I do not believe that production shut down completely because Gabe had the sniffles. And Noah, who was in Idaho and wasn’t even involved in filming at the time of his gallbladder surgery, was back on his feet soon after and berating supermarket employees for their lack of prime rib.
“Basically every single element that could possibly work against the Brown family and the production of the show has been.”
That answer is open-ended as hell. Think about it: “Every single element that could possibly work against the Brown family.” Meteorites? Russian hackers? Man-eating snakes? Prime rib shortages? (I’ll accept additional possibilities in the comments.) All of these are possible elements that have worked against the Browns.
The elements that are most likely to be causing production delays, however, include family infighting, laziness, Billy’s despotic rule over the story and production, and whatever stuff Matt is doing in that camper.
“But Billy, Ami and all of their children are incredibly excited to be filming for the new season right now, as are we at Discovery.”
I can only interpret this as “Billy, Ami and all of their children are incredibly excited to be making money, as are we at Discovery.”
Conversation19 Comments
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Another wonderful work of fine journalism, Ryan! Still can't tell if the Brown's are lying or (cough) telling the truth. Seems like the deception has rubbed off on the Discovery PR people as well. The fact that they think they've endured the worst and longest winter EVER cracks me up. We here in the Northeast have had more snow and cold temperatures in recent years than Alaska has...to the point that even the cows have donned parkas on more than one occasion, proving that leather is NOT the best choice for warm weather gear). And don't EVEN get me going on health issues!!! I suppose eventually we'll see the next season...or maybe we already have...after all, they've reused footage over...and over...and over...for ever...and ever...and ever. Amen...
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Well put, Steff! I guess there's not going to be a lot of recycled or Lost Footage this season.
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"The Browns have traded surviving off the grid for surviving off Walmart,
Panda Express, Instagram, and the undying devotion of the barely lucid."
LOL! Love it.
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"It seems like ages ago, but there was once a time when they told us
Brownton Abbey on Chicago Bears Island was accessible only by boat"
LOL! Good job again, Ryan.
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Oy vey! Discovery, pull the plug on this sinking ship of lies please!!!
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I enjoy your writings very much and this one was golden.
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Another fine piece Ryan! It almost sounds like Billy Brown himself wrote the statement that Miss Laurie issued! The woe is me card strikes again! Let's analyze Miss Laurie's key words. 'Rumors, fabricated, untrue, longest winter, incredibly remote, roads closed, worst winter (ever), severe health issues, awful flu like illness, emergency gall bladder, basically (literally) every single element that could possibly work against the Brown family!' Her complete statement could be narrator Asa's opening voice over for this new season!
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It could change the future of the Brown family forever!
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Do these idiots know that weather data is available for this area on line. Hardly has been winter at all. The lowest temperature was 39 so far this month. https://www.wunderground.com/history/airport/KOMK/2018/4/25/MonthlyHistory.html?req_city=&req_state=&req_statename=&reqdb.zip=&reqdb.magic=&reqdb.wmo=
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You are right! The most precipitation that area got in a single day so far this year is only .79 inches. WORST WINTER EVER! https://www.wunderground.com/history/airport/KOMK/2018/1/1/CustomHistory.html?dayend=25&monthend=4&yearend=2018&req_city=&req_state=&req_statename=&reqdb.zip=&reqdb.magic=&reqdb.wmo=
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Yeah, but you know how delicate the Browns are. And winter is right there.--->
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See, he can't tell the truth if Ami's very life depended on it. Winter is not here, it is right there.--> I wish he would get that right.
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"..despotic rule.." couldn't have said it better myself. Frankly, i'm amazed "Browntown Abbey" has made it this far. I continued watching beyond Season 2 out of morbid curiosity, honestly. Aghast that ageing hippies of yesteryear seemingly believed it was totally ok to air out familial strange and dirty laundry, beaming with pride over grown, adult men with painfully obvious PeterPan complexes (Bear's look how fast I can run/jump/roll in mud absurdities) had me thinking only: Ritalin!
Is it possible that moving to the civilized world of the lower 48 will force a maturation, real jobs, and scarily, real women in the future? I assume we all know how the whole matchmaker thing rendered up a plethora of suitably deranged, none to too picky, fire starting, tree climbing Amazons?
Also, "Brown luck" is surely a mythos.. What should one reasonably expect from living in tree houses made of cobbled together junkyard scrap? Travelling in overstuffed decrepit cars and expecting nothing to go wrong? I submit "Brown luck" is naught but self-fulfilling prophecy combined with many a foregone conclusion.
I can only hope that Birdie has outgrown using toddlers' barrettes in her hair as well as Noah having discarded delusions of being a B grade horror mad scientist conducting spooky and weird "experiments" within the forbiddingly dark interior of a MASH tent.
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Thanks again ryan, love it. One thing that confuses me...they spent (or claimed to have) the last 20ish years deep in the bush, miles from anything. They can’t be more than 100 yards from the nearest hospital now a days. Somethings wrong with one of them all the time. I guess the health fairy actually stayed in alaska & cashed his dividend fund
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Ryan, now in control of my faculties, after taking a few Oxyc, Percocet and diazepam to heal my beating heart now knowing that the Brownclowns will not be premiering in May at a Walmart closest to my location.
A couple of questions from my drug induced mental state
1. What happened to Colorado or did they just get lost driving from Las Wages and wound up in Washington state?
2. The Hines 57 family or maybe they are the Hines Root Beer 🍺 family do not look like a family one would/should mess with. They are all holding spears for Gods sake. Nevertheless have they retreated while on the run to Alaska?
3. While in pursuit if your sixth Cronkite Award for Outstanding Journalism, will your Masters allow you write about the Hines family regardless of what happens to the Brownclowns?
4 Finally, now that the Brownclowns are almost filming in your backyard; Gaggle maps shows it just over 1800 miles from Madison to Loomis ( a 28 hour drive or so ), can we expect some live on the spot reporting?
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Bob! Welcome back, amigo! Answers to your queries: 1) I truly do not know why they ditched Colorado after all that nonsense. Some say Billy didn't like it there, or it wasn't remote enough. I can't wait for his explanation. 2) I was ripped a new one by some guy who claimed to have served with Bret Hines in the special forces. If Hines really was a commando, he's already got infinitely more respect/cred than Billy. 3) Yes, I imagine I will be covering the Book of Hines, provided I am still alive and/or employed here. 4) Who knows? Could be some 'Fear & Loathing in Loomis,' but I haven't booked any trips yet.
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Thanks pal. You have answered the most profound questions facing me today. Can't wait for the recaps start as soon as Discumery makes a decision to air something
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Ok, I give up. You undoubtedly have heard of carrier pigeons. Here is the next best thing. If and when Clowntown ever decides to do something, please catch a rattler, tie a note on its tail and send him/her to AZ. Until that sucker catches up with me I, like Moses, shall be wandering the desert contemplating how lint gets in my navel.
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