Best Lines on TV This Week: ‘Amy’s Present Will Be My Genitals’

The Big Bang Theory
Michael Yarish/CBS
"The Opening Night Excitation" -- After more than five years of dating, Sheldon (Jim Parsons, right) and Amy (Mayim Bialik, left) spend their first night together, on THE BIG BANG THEORY, Thursday, Dec.17 (8:00-8:31 PM, ET/PT), on the CBS Television Network. Photo: Michael Yarish/CBS ©2015 CBS Broadcasting, Inc. All Rights Reserved

The Big Bang Theory

Bernadette: “We don’t want to spoil anything, but you should know that Sheldon said he’s ready to be physical.”
Amy: “You shut your damn mouth! You actually heard him say this?!”
— Bernadette (Melissa Rauch) and Penny (Kaley Cuoco) reveal a big surprise to Amy (Mayim Bialik)

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Gina: “I’ll take him to housewares and I’ll ask him the difference between a skillet and a frying pan. That’ll buy you six hours.”
Jake: “Perfect. Gina, you just saved Christmas.”
— Gina (Chelsea Peretti) comes up with the perfect plan to distract Boyle (Joe Lo Truglio) so Jake (Andy Samberg) can buy him a Christmas gift

Boyle: “You surrendered yourself to keep me safe. Not only that, you sacrificed your John McClane moment. It should have been you saying, ‘Yippie kayak, other buckets!'”
Jake: “Ah, I know you have the moral high ground right now, but it still makes me so angry.”
— Boyle tells Jake he’s forgiven for not receiving a Christmas present…while still misquoting a famous line from Die Hard

Jane the Virgin

Rogelio: “I miss you. I mean, we were in a pretty serious bromance.”
Michael: “Oh, I don’t know if it was a bromance.”
— Rogelio (Jaime Camil) confesses why he “stalked” Michael (Brett Diers) to his favorite coffee place

Rogelio: “I know what I have to do.”
Xiomara: “Read his script?”
Rogelio: “Get him a wall of flowers, like Kanye gets Kim.”
Xiomara: “Read the script!”
— Rogelio and Xiomara (Andrew Navedo) argue over the best way to make the intern happy after he’s wrongly accused of violating Rogelio’s trust


Shelby: “Senator Haas. I’m so sorry. I regretted it the moment that it happened. It was a mistake.”
Claire: “You think I care that you slept with my husband? He can do what he wants. You destroyed my son. That’s unforgivable. And I plan to make it my business to destroy you, too.”
— Shelby (Johanna Bradd) tries to apologize to Caleb’s mother (Marcia Cross) without…much success


Brian: “Hey. So I searched social media pics by location to see if I could find any by the dispensary this morning, and it turns out a guy took a selfie of him and his hedgehog… Don’t ask… Right around the time we think our perps were getting out of what looked like a gray Ford Fusion. Now, I could only get a partial plate, but I did type up a list of possibilities. Turns out that one matched a car that was stolen in Michigan two days ago: a gray Ford Fusion.”
Rebecca: “You did all this while I was getting my coffee?”
— Brian (Jake McDornan) shows just how effective he is on NZT to Rebecca’s (Jennifer Carpenter) surprise

The Librarians

“Right. We’re trapped in a video game Save Point. Each time one of us dies, it resets, okay? But the game is crashing, and I know the way out. So if you want to live, follow me.”
— Ezekiel (John Kim) gets right to the point about his role in saving the other Librarians

NCIS: Los Angeles

Sam: “Janvier sent you a Christmas card from prison?”
Callen: “Every year. What, you don’t get one?”
Sam: “The only other card that you received is from a one-armed psychopath who wants to kill you?
Callen: “Well, it’s the thought that counts.”
— Sam (LL Cool J) and Callen (Chris O’Donnell) debate the quality of Christmas card givers



“Wait. Only people you trust on this one. James Olsen and…that handsome little Hobbit who has more cardigans than you do.”
— Cat Grant (Calista Flockhart) just can’t seem to get Winn’s (Jeremy Jordan) name

“If I wanted to have sex with a Beach Boy, I’d still be sleeping with John Stamos.”
— Cat gets testy when talking about her email hack to Kara (Melissa Benoist)