Best Lines on TV This Week: ‘Amy’s Present Will Be My Genitals’

The Big Bang Theory

Well, then it’s settled! #BigBangTheory pic.twitter.com/UvwujU9tfg

— The Big Bang Theory (@BigBang_CBS) December 18, 2015

Bernadette: “We don’t want to spoil anything, but you should know that Sheldon said he’s ready to be physical.”
Amy: “You shut your damn mouth! You actually heard him say this?!”
— Bernadette (Melissa Rauch) and Penny (Kaley Cuoco) reveal a big surprise to Amy (Mayim Bialik)

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Gina: “I’ll take him to housewares and I’ll ask him the difference between a skillet and a frying pan. That’ll buy you six hours.”
Jake: “Perfect. Gina, you just saved Christmas.”
— Gina (Chelsea Peretti) comes up with the perfect plan to distract Boyle (Joe Lo Truglio) so Jake (Andy Samberg) can buy him a Christmas gift

Boyle: “You surrendered yourself to keep me safe. Not only that, you sacrificed your John McClane moment. It should have been you saying, ‘Yippie kayak, other buckets!'”
Jake: “Ah, I know you have the moral high ground right now, but it still makes me so angry.”
— Boyle tells Jake he’s forgiven for not receiving a Christmas present…while still misquoting a famous line from Die Hard

Jane the Virgin

Rogelio: “I miss you. I mean, we were in a pretty serious bromance.”
Michael: “Oh, I don’t know if it was a bromance.”
— Rogelio (Jaime Camil) confesses why he “stalked” Michael (Brett Diers) to his favorite coffee place

Rogelio: “I know what I have to do.”
Xiomara: “Read his script?”
Rogelio: “Get him a wall of flowers, like Kanye gets Kim.”
Xiomara: “Read the script!”
— Rogelio and Xiomara (Andrew Navedo) argue over the best way to make the intern happy after he’s wrongly accused of violating Rogelio’s trust

Quantico

Shelby: “Senator Haas. I’m so sorry. I regretted it the moment that it happened. It was a mistake.”
Claire: “You think I care that you slept with my husband? He can do what he wants. You destroyed my son. That’s unforgivable. And I plan to make it my business to destroy you, too.”
— Shelby (Johanna Bradd) tries to apologize to Caleb’s mother (Marcia Cross) without…much success

Limitless

Brian: “Hey. So I searched social media pics by location to see if I could find any by the dispensary this morning, and it turns out a guy took a selfie of him and his hedgehog… Don’t ask… Right around the time we think our perps were getting out of what looked like a gray Ford Fusion. Now, I could only get a partial plate, but I did type up a list of possibilities. Turns out that one matched a car that was stolen in Michigan two days ago: a gray Ford Fusion.”
Rebecca: “You did all this while I was getting my coffee?”
— Brian (Jake McDornan) shows just how effective he is on NZT  to Rebecca’s (Jennifer Carpenter) surprise

The Librarians

“Right. We’re trapped in a video game Save Point. Each time one of us dies, it resets, okay? But the game is crashing, and I know the way out. So if you want to live, follow me.”
— Ezekiel (John Kim) gets right to the point about his role in saving the other Librarians

NCIS: Los Angeles

Sam: “Janvier sent you a Christmas card from prison?”
Callen: “Every year. What, you don’t get one?”
Sam: “The only other card that you received is from a one-armed psychopath who wants to kill you?
Callen: “Well, it’s the thought that counts.”
— Sam (LL Cool J) and Callen (Chris O’Donnell) debate the quality of Christmas card givers

Scorpion

Looks like the dam isn’t the only thing cracking up… #TeamScorpion https://t.co/htHicTwyN9 pic.twitter.com/UoKjBg3eSK

— Scorpion (@ScorpionCBS) December 15, 2015

Supergirl

“Wait. Only people you trust on this one. James Olsen and…that handsome little Hobbit who has more cardigans than you do.”
— Cat Grant (Calista Flockhart) just can’t seem to get Winn’s (Jeremy Jordan) name

“If I wanted to have sex with a Beach Boy, I’d still be sleeping with John Stamos.”
— Cat gets testy when talking about her email hack to Kara (Melissa Benoist)

James Olsen and his abs = #SquadGoals https://t.co/uf5YRwLAc5 #Supergirl @jeremymjordan pic.twitter.com/WXeiv7rdHO

— Supergirl (@supergirlcbs) December 15, 2015