‘Alaskan Bush People’: ‘The Long Road’ (RECAP)
On Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People episode “The Long Road” (June 28), a major diagnosis shakes the Brown family, and forces them toward a decision that could reshape their lifelong journey. While medical analysis continues for Ami in the lower 48, oldest son Matt attempts to get back to normal as he reunites with Noah.
Noah is a solitary sentry, protecting the once pristine and beautiful Southeast Alaskan rainforest that his family turned into the heap of trash that is Alaskan Bush People. He’s playing with his GP100 .357 Magnum revolver, shooting a target at close range. “The way my mind works, it can kind of go off in bad directions, so I like to keep my mind very occupied,” Noah says.
“Charged with safeguarding the family’s remote Alaskan homestead, youngest son Noah Brown has gone weeks without word from the rest of the Wolfpack,” says Our Dear Narrator, Asa, who managed to pack five falsehoods into one sentence. It’s also Noah’s job to pick up garbage with his garbage-pickin’ spurs on.
In Southern California, the rest of the Browns minus Bam are waiting for the results of Ami’s lung biopsy. “The best news we can hope for? Uh, ‘Everything’s fine, go home,’” says Billy. Uh, Billy, what about all that pain that Ami’s been in for weeks and clearly isn’t going to go away? So Billy’s best hope is that their physician is so dangerously incompetent that he fails diagnose a serious disease and gives her a clean bill of health so Billy can go back to his Bush Fantasyland? Oh, Ami’s a tough Bush Lady. She can handle a little bit of unrelenting, agonizing pain.
Billy and Ami return to their rented home, and it’s pretty obvious the news is not good. Billy says nothing, giving Bear the coldest of shoulders.
Billy gathers the family and breaks the news that Ami has Stage 3 cancer, and that she still needs more tests to determine how far the disease has metastasized. Here’s the moment Billy reveals the diagnosis.
It’s a very personal, poignant moment for this family (or at least it’s the reenactment of one for a TV show). Yet in this moment, I’m distracted by a blurry blue blob above Ami’s head. I am nearly certain that it’s a plush toy of Dory from the Disney PIXAR blockbuster animated hit movie Finding Dory. Is someone at Park Slope or Discovery so concerned about having a toy depicting a character from Disney’s intellectual property in the frame of a reality TV show that they felt the need to digitally blur out a stupid stuffed animal, thereby botching a pivotal scene in this whole damn series? Seriously? That is so Alaskan Bush People.
Let’s try to ignore the fact that high-school students are producing this show for a class project and focus on the seriousness of this scene and its revelations. The Brownlings are all kind of shocked, and who wouldn’t be? “They’re all worried,” Ami tells Billy. “I tell them, ‘Don’t Worry. Please don’t worry. Just be happy. Be happy, ’cause whatever it is, it is. Keep the faith. Good or bad, you know, it’s God’s will and we’ll walk that road.’” When facing the fight of your life, that’s probably the best thing you can tell your kids.
Back at Brownton Abbey, Noah survives playing with electricity. He’s finally hooking up the power from the stupid wind turbine from last season. Remember how WINTER WAS RIGHT THERE and the Browns had to get this wind turbine up and running pronto or the evolution of Brownton Abbey would be stalled for years to come? Why is Noah finally getting around to doing this in May? Because the Browns don’t live there in winter or in any other season.
Noah is making a “control station” in the family’s old meat smoker, and it’s just a bunch of wires hooked up to a UPS (uninterrupted power supply) that’s designed to keep your computer running in the event of a power outage. I think I had this very model gathering years of dust under my desk at work.
(Electrician friends: Assuming the turbine functions, would this setup even work?)
Noah boasts about being Mr. Fixit, but he can’t fix the family’s biggest problem, and that frustrates him. “I don’t know who’s fixing things for them right now,” Noah says. If it were up to his dad, Dr. Nick Riviera would be fixing things for them right now.
Billy and Ami have a discussion about their future and the possibilities of having to leave the Bush. “We’ve lived a long time in the rainforest. It flows through our veins,” Ami says. “But there’s a lot for the kids to experience. I want to be there. I want to hold their babies. I want to hear them laughing. I want to see their eyes wide with enthusiasm as they experience these new things.” I can imagine that this is heartbreaking. For someone as obsessed with grandbabies as Ami, the realization that you’re probably never going to see one must be devastating.
And then Billy can’t shut up. “Their future dreams were there,” he says of his kids and the Bush. “They were born in the forest. It’s all they’ve ever known. And I think it’s deeper in them than it is in Ami and I.” Blah. Maybe your future dreams for your kids were there. You already fulfilled your dreams by turning your family into the Bush von Trapps on TV. Now it’s time to let go.
“We’re either too stupid or too stubborn or have too much faith, but you can’t stop the Browns,” Billy tells Ami. Discovery Channel honcho Rich Ross should’ve stopped the Browns two years ago.
Billy assembles the “guys” for a Council of the Browns. He makes a point of telling Ami that her illness is very hard on Birdy. He might as well say, “Ami, your cancer is making Birdy really sad, so could you just maybe stop it with the cancer?” Insensitive jackass. He needs another coma.
Billy proposes that they close down Brownton Abbey, and some of them should go back up there to get their stuff, which is mostly trash. “We don’t mess around with words, we say it like it is, and it’s going to be a long road,” Billy says, knowing he’s never said it like it is to anyone, ever.
The Browns are very sad about having to leave a place that they didn’t even live in. Brownton Abbey is a set for a TV show, built by someone else on land that the Browns don’t own. It is just a facade, and their boo-hooing over having to leave it is a farce.
“We fought so hard for freedom,” Billy says. “We fought so hard for independence and everything that gave us the freedom we had our whole life now is working against us right this minute.” Huh? What does this even mean? What’s working against you, besides your wife’s illness? So much for not messing around with words, Billy.
Our Dear Narrator needs to shut up, too. He just piles on more falsehoods, talking about the Browns’ dream of a permanent homestead supported by faith, freedom and family. The Browns’ dream is a set for a TV show, supported by Park Slope, Discovery Channel, advertisers, pay-TV subscribers and idiots like me that watch this show and perpetuate it. Brownton Abbey is built on a foundation of B.S.
“Browntown to me is the spirit of the Bush. It’s something that we’ve been chasing our whole life,” Matt says. “Browntown has always given me the freedom to be myself. It’s my environment. I’m like the animals here. I wouldn’t know any different.” Not true. The animals there are much smarter than Matt.
Matt’s the first one to head back to Brownton Abbey. He’s got the task of telling Noah the bad news, though Noah probably found out from someone much earlier than this.
With that unpleasantness out of the way, Noah and Matt start the arduous task of washing out the stain on Alaska that is Brownton Abbey. Noah starts burning stuff that he deems “useless,” while throwing things that he might give away — such as pieces of tires — into a different pile. Yeah, I’m sure Kenny could use that crap.
They should just set fire to the whole place. As much as forest fires suck, they’re necessary to rejuvenate the ecosystem. Fire is destructive, but also cleansing. Here’s Lost Footage of the production crew cleaning up Brownton Abbey:
Matt revisits his abandoned Yoda hut, where he seems to be experiencing the DTs.
That’s a good boy, Matt. We’ll make fun of you a lot more later.
Noah believes that the best time to pour his heart out to the camera is while he’s cleaning a pistol.
[DIGRESSION! Back in ’93, my buddy’s family threw him a high-school graduation party at their house. It was a beautiful day. The food was good. We’re all hanging out the backyard enjoying ourselves. Then things turned weird when their neighbor saw it as the opportune time to take out his firearms and start cleaning them in front of the all the party guests.]
Noah can’t be taken seriously. He’s always got this grin, like he understands that his character is ridiculous.
Yeah, that’s the one. He’s a terrible actor, even worse than Gabe.
Again, what’s with blurring out the painting on the wall? Good Lord, someone was fussy that day in the editing room. If only the rest of the production was as concerned about minor details. The whole premise of the show is a lie, but God forbid we show this painting of a bridge or whatever it is.
Let’s lighten the mood, shall we? Back in Cali, Birdy’s trying to amass an army of peacocks, luring them with Chex and her peafowl mating call.
Gaining the trust of peacocks is pretty easy. They freely roam the grounds of our local zoo, waiting for patrons to drop popcorn or whole cheeseburgers or whatever from their picnic tables. My son chases the peacocks around. He’s 5 years old. How old are you, Birdy?
Just about every one of Noah’s “inventions” are rip-offs from things that already exist. Noah introduces us to this game he created called Triumph, which is not related to the Canadian rock band nor the sarcastic dog puppet of the same name. “Basically, it’s like dodge ball with discs,” Noah says. No, basically it’s like a very bad rip-off of Discs of Tron. Noah and Matt suit up in their Triumph gear, which is ideally worn at night when all of the glow sticks attached to the suits are illuminated. Then they just throw padded duct-taped Frisbees at each other.
“How do I look? Like the main character of some sci-fi movie just about ready to kick butt and walk away with the chick? Or a dweeb in the forest wearing bike gear?” As if you have to ask, Matt. Hey, maybe you should leave that helmet and stuff on all night, you know, just in case…
Noah can feel secure in knowing that there’s always a career waiting for him whenever Tron Guy retires.
How does Bear cope with his family’s situation in Southern California? The only way he knows how: by being EXXXXTREME!
“Even if I’m not in the Bush, I am of the Bush,” he says. “EXXXXTREME is a way of life to me.” Bear then makes a Bush punching bag out of a paper grocery bag and the plastic garbage bag he probably used to make his EXXXXTREME-squeezed fruit juice last week.
YEAH! Punch that bag, Bear! Punch it good! I could see Bear someday making himself available to rent for children’s birthday parties or mitzvahs. Or he might have a career in lucha libre as the character El Oso Chinchoso. ¡EXXXXTREMO!
Bam Bam has finally made his presence known in Los Angeles after hearing of the severity of his mother’s illness. He’s been off on Lower 48 sexytime adventures since the middle of last season. Some people are put off by Bam’s arrogance, but I like his levelheadedness and respect of the danger. He’s also the first of his family to bail on this show, so I give him props for that. Bam has a man-to-man with Billy to discuss the dire situation. Bam and Billy are very tight. They once did time together for PFD fraud.
But Billy’s pretty far detached from reality, too. Some clear-minded reasoning isn’t always welcomed when you live with a family of wackos. Take this exchange between Bam and Birdy:
Bam: “We’re all kind of a bit in denial. Everyone’s afraid Mom’s dying.”
Birdy: “She’s not.”
Bam: “Mom could die from this.”
Birdy: “Won’t happen. Quit saying it. She’ll be fine.”
“There’s good and there’s bad, and sometimes the worst-case scenario is what happens,” Bam says to the camera. “Doesn’t mean it’s going to. But it might, and you have to face that. You have to face it head on.”
[DIGRESSION! My grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer in the spring of 1989. I was 13 years old. I didn’t know all the details of the illness. I knew that it was serious, but my grandfather was undergoing radiation treatments and I remained blindly optimistic that he would survive. At some point, my father very calmly but bluntly said to me, “Grandpa is very sick, and he’s probably going to die.” My father had prepared himself for the worst. He wanted me to be prepared, too. There is nothing wrong with hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. Being in denial or not talking about it is going to make it much more difficult when the worst outcome is realized. My grandfather passed away July 4, 1989, earlier than any of us expected. I am grateful he did not suffer long and hard as so many stricken with cancer do.]
After their Triumph match, Matt and Noah partake in a little crab dinner—a “last supper” (groan) as Matt puts it—and a knife-throwing contest. Matt reveals that he was setting off fireworks in the wee hours of the morning.
Alrighty, then. That’s not something a sober, sane 34-year-old usually does.
Noah decides that it’s time for him to be with the family in California, leaving Matt alone in Brownton Abbey to blow himself up clean things up. Noah’s a little worried about what might happen to Matt all by his lonesome in Brownton Abbey. There’s nothing to worry about, Noah. Matt’s just going to blow up firecrackers at 3am like all sober, sane 34-year-olds do every night.
Black clouds! Ominous music!
Matt screams!
Head trauma!
Ouch! What’s that feel like, Matt?
Conversation27 Comments
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Let's hope Ami doesn't suffer much like she has had to with Billy and the nutbird family, maybe they can make a nice blanket for her out of Billy's mustache so he will be suitable for Dancing with the Stars and choose a partner like foul mouth Sarah Silverman and become part of the Hollywood It crowd and drink, do coke and run into people on the freeway, then of course end up in rehab and start another reality show.
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You should come out to SoCal more often Ryan! This is your best review so far! This is hilarious "Bam has a man-to-man with Billy to discuss the dire situation. Bam and
Billy are very tight. They once did time together for PFD fraud!" There are more 'one-liners' in your review than a stand-up comic's set! Great job..I give it a 10, if that means anything to anyone!
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I just love these wacky summaries. Why do they all have to leave Brownton Abbey? If they have worked so hard, shouldn't they take turns staying and burning things or setting fireworks, or bumping into bears. All of them piled up in that house seems stupid. Those of us with real jobs and really sick relatives have to work and visit and take turns with the care. I forgot ---they don't really live there.
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Hey, Ryan. Good 😊 recap as usual. Funny 😂 thing about reading other web sites and people insisting this is a real reality show. If they believe that, then they should know that part of reality is death. As I said earlier, I feel sorry 😐 for what Ami is going through with the eventual prospect of what will happen with stage 3 metastasized lung cancer. It does appear that Bam 💥 realizes the least desirable but very possible outcome.
Since, as of this weeks show, it appears that they are still hibernating in the mountains south of Palm Springs ( though some websites have them in Colorado for Noah and Rhain's wedding )which means that Ami is subjected to a 400 mile round trip journey whenever she goes to Santa Monica. That in it's self has to make her feel wonderful. No hospices in the Santa Monica area?
Any idea where Meemaw and Les are holding up or did Discovery balk at putting them on the payroll. Same applies to Bam's wife and Rhain. Seems Discovery is living by the old adage of not on show, then no dough.
Before I head back to wandering the desert 🌵, I do believe it is time for old Billy to have a seizure due Ami's situation and what will soon be a situation for Matt. I can't believe old Billy will let either one of them steal the show.
C ya, B ya.
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By all accounts, the Browns are staying in Colorado for the long term. Ami's getting radio and chemo treatments there. Word is that Billy won't let Ami contact Les or Memaw. Memaw's got to watch it on TV like the rest of us.
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Just a thought : we all know how this show is all the bullshit all the time, but if we play along, wouldn't it qualify as some sort of child endangerment to move your seven kids to the place in the world with the most dense population of bears??
Just saying. 🤥😂
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Not sure. But remember, they are all adults, except for Rainy.
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Haha yeah I know. Also they don't live there. 😊 Just a thing I would love to ask Billy, if I ever got the chance.
Me: "what the Hell were you thinking??"
"You might as well move to an active warzone!"
"Explain yourself, you nasty ass disgustingly bearded fool!"
Billy: "Through our faith, the good Lord will see us through"
Me: "God damn, that's your answer to everything!!"
Haha 😂😂😂
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Discovery Channel money will see them through.
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Regarding Noah and the UPS (Uninterruptible Power Supply), I don’t think that kind of “setup” would ever work. A UPS of that size would typically deliver around 600 watts which might be just enough to power their refrigerator. But only for 4 to 5 hours, and they would likely have periods of no wind much longer than that. Also, a UPS of that size is not designed to power an appliance. The circuit breaker in the UPS would probably trip every time the compressor motor cycled on.
I noticed when the turbine was delivered and inspected by Noah there was the inverter and 2 or 3 large batteries. Doesn’t make sense to me why he is trying to use a UPS when large batteries were provided. However, while better than a UPS I don’t think just 2 or 3 batteries would power a refrigerator for very long either during periods of no wind.
Also, I never saw a power cable connecting the turbine to Noah’s “power station” at the house. The cable would be pretty costly considering the distance. Someone on another blog suggested the turbine was never connected to the house and the production crew used the existing gasoline generator to make it look like it had been.
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Good insight! Thanks!
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With Ami so ill I hope someone in the family (maybe Bam & Allison) will take it upon themselves to make sure Rain continues schooling in the Fall. If not them, then maybe the State of Colorado should be knocking at their door. None of the others seem to have enough sense to be concerned about her clear lack of an education and the obligation to make sure she gets one.
As for Bird---please, girl, you look crazy calling peacocks, cats, and the like. I don't see how she is ever going to make a life for herself. You can just see her father and unmarried brothers turning to her, expecting her to be the "mother figure" so she'll end up having no life of her own. And, as has been said a thousand times---get that tooth fixed!
I wonder if Discovery will give the absolute truth on how Matt injured himself...I, for one, am very curious.
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A source I trust in AK says that Matt was playing with explosives in a bathroom in or around Brownton Abbey. I believe someone involved with the production leaked a version of the story to TMZ to make it appear more like an accident instead of pure stupidity.
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One of the best recaps yet. Any time you can work in a Simpson reference or a pic of Bear's face on a target is a win! I want to produce an album......."Birdbrain's Animal Calls".
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Noahaa appears to have a manicure in the picture with the pistol. Very busha.
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Another great re-cap, Ryan! It's been all I can do lately to not reach into the t.v. & slap Billy senseless (then I realize, he's already senseless, so what would be the point?!). Can he be any more of a narcissist? Ami feels like crap, I'm sure, both mentally & physically...the last thing she needs is for Billy to whine about having to "leave" the bush. Well, I fail to see where a Rolex and a Harley would serve him at all in the bush, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be able to make a choice between his beloved BrownTown & his new "toys" (ill gotten gains, no doubt), so why lay the guilt trip on Ami...? Because he's a douche. Period. I heard that Gabe has refused to be taped any further...could it be he's as sick of the ruse of this whole sh*t show as Bam is? Whatever happens from this point on is anyone's guess, but it kind of looks like the whole convoluted mess is crashing down on top of them. Regardless of how I feel about the Browns (and by this point, I'm sure everyone can tell I'm not overly fond of them), I send prayers out to them in this trying time. No one deserves to suffer the horrible disease that is cancer, and my heart goes out to Ami. Now would be the time for the "kids" to grow the Hell up once & for all & stop behaving like a pack of morons. It's obvious their father is worthless to the workforce, but the "kids" still have a chance of being contributing members of society...IF they can get their heads out of "the bush" , that is.
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Like you said a UPS is basically a big battery that is kept charged by plugging it into the wall. You plug your computer into it so when the power goes out your computer remains on with battery power instead of crashing. That way you can save your work and shut your computer down normally. It looks like Noah has hooked the wind turbine up to it so when the power to the little motor that spins the blades goes out the UPS will keep them spinning. Either that or the production crew had the UPS laying around and gave it to Noah to play with.
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The idiot could believe he can use the wind turbine to charge the UPS battery(s) and then use the UPS' output as a source of 120 VAC power. However as he knows nothing of electrical engineering (or any other discipline for that matter) who knows what visions are dancing in his head...
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I hope they address how a family that lives in the woods can treat lung cancer: they can't possibly have insurance unless Discovery Channel paid for it. (Likely!) And start the speculation of how on earth they will make a living now.
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If the show was real and they did not have TV income they would have been eligible for most likely free Obamacare.
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Ryan, it should take you 20-30 seconds tops to provide a recap of the most recent ABP episode as there was so little new content.
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This might be the whole recap: https://media.giphy.com/media/aMQUOxjmQt1O8/giphy.gif
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This show went from something is wrong to something is WRONG after the first season! I would think with stage 3 of 4 cancer she should be sicker than she appears to be? I would think at this stage the doctor's would be doing more and getting tests done quicker so they can get treatment started asap. I'm still not 100% sold she has cancer but if she does I pray for her and her family and if it's her time to go that she doesn't suffer. No one deserves to be put through the scourge that is cancer. Watching this episode made me realize though that if she does this family will be devastated without her. Most of those children cannot function on their own and Billy won't be much help to them. The job of parents is to raise their children to be independent, productive members of society and unfortunately Billy and Ami have failed. With the age of most of their kids if they would have done their job properly she would have already experienced most of the things she is afraid she will miss and that's probably the saddest thing of all.
Billy is such a selfish d#@k for giving Bear such a cold shoulder and even questioning whether or not they should return to the bush. The kids are just as scared and Bear is a man-child for God's sake. There should have never been a discussion about returning to the bush. You sacrifice to do what's best for your loved without a second thought period. Bam's level head finally has him finally emerging as my favorite Brown. Reality is what is and you have to accept it good or bad. That being said Birdie's denial of reality floored me. She has clearly emerged as the family woman-child. I can't deal with people who choose to deny reality. Anyway, another great recap Ryan!
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Ryan, are you familiar with the LuLaRoe craze? I swear Billy is wearing a "Randy" in his talking head segments. Any chicks out there into LLR and noticed Scammin' Billy's "Randy" I'm just wondering if they panned out on the talking head, is he wearing leggings, too?
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I am! My wife has bought LLR stuff. It sure does look like a Randy. I saw some similar ones, but not that exact pattern. There are like thousands of them! Also, they're saying that Billy may be wearing a Rolex.
http://railingkill.com/alaskan-bush-people-episode-recap/s07e01-faith-family/
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I have to admit, Im not entirely convinced, she is as sick as they tell us.
First off they are all extremely vague with any details other than "cancer" and "bad".
Remember when Billy had his life threatening sudden comas? They suddenly stopped out of the blue, same with Noahs bum leg. And I will bet you anything, neither of those old problems come up, now that its Amis time to shine.
I know cancer is a bitch, and not to be made fun off, so if she really truly was that sick, one would think, they had made a public announcement that they quit and didnt need a camera crew around during a difficult time.
The way they do it now just seems like a cop out so everyone can say the most cheesy (or for Noah the most douchey) lines, and that their faith in the Lord always helps them through, and then when she didnt die, they can say "told ya!".
Just my opinion, other than that, great recap and kudos for having the willpower to stomach entire episodes. 😎🤘🏻🇩🇰 peace
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I pray for this family and for their mother ro recover soon.
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