Heidi N Closet Explains Why She Quit ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars’ Season 8
Q&A
Heidi N Closet shocked fans when she quit RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars Season 8. Her departure came in Episode 5 as the queens prepared for the post-Snatch Game of Love runway. Heidi tells TV Insider that while it was a split decision, it’s not one she regrets.
Here, she breaks down her decision to leave the competition early.
It’s not very often that someone elects to leave Drag Race. You left in the heat of the moment during a Werk Room fight. Can you explain what you were feeling in that moment?
Heidi N Closet: In that moment of time, I was hurt with what was happening between me and Kahanna. And then when Kandy had jumped in, which I feel like was very opportunistic, it took me aback and I felt like I was caught off guard. If anything I was kind of hurt, because I saw what was happening and it felt like they were ganging up on me and basically just bullying me into things. It was very disheartening. I had had their backs throughout the competition. I helped them with challenges, helped them with ideas, and stuff like that, so it was really heartbreaking for me.
And then I was already in a space where I did not necessarily want to be there, as we saw in the Untucked. I already kind of wanted to leave. What ended up making me stay was that I remembered Season 12 and all the great memories I had with the girls, how much we had each other’s backs. That’s what really hinged on me staying the first time I wanted to leave [All Stars]. At the time [in Episode 5], I felt very alone, very isolated. No one spoke up even though multiple people knew the truth in The Werk Room. Other queens knew the truth, not just Alexis [Michelle], and no one spoke up, so I felt very alone, very isolated. I no longer wanted to be there, so I left.
It sounds like that support and camaraderie were really important to you in Season 12, and the absence of that in All Stars was a no-go for you?
I don’t think I necessarily needed the camaraderie. It just felt very opportunistic from the girls. It felt like it was unnecessarily done. Maybe it was a strategy, I don’t know. If it was, great for them. I felt like I was proud of what I’d shown, and I had no other reason to be there, so I left.
More power to you for prioritizing yourself over anything else in that moment. That’s definitely hard to do. You went on the show to compete, you know?
Absolutely. I went to the show to compete, and I went to the show to show off the growth and my drag and to really just have a great time. And I think I did that successfully. Somebody’s gonna go home. Might as well be me!
Do you think that your choice to leave is a sign of that growth you speak of?
Yes, it is. Season 12 Heidi would’ve sat there and been upset, complained the whole time, probably would’ve gotten a horrible edit from it, too. But me now, I’m no longer just the young 24-year-old I was. I’m a mature 27-year-old. The thing that I’ve learned is that as you get older, you realize the things you’re willing to put up with, and what I’m not willing to put up with is being lied on. I refuse to be lied on, and that’s that.
It seemed that Alexis Michelle did know that you were speaking some truth to something. What was it like to see her not show up for you in that moment?
She did. I remember it happening. It almost was like it was happening in slow-motion. She started to say yes, and she did actually. We saw what happened. Someone who wanted to work with me and they don’t show up when it’s necessarily needed, it shows the character. It was very disheartening to see that someone who, even before we had left to go to the show, had suggested working together would do that. But at the end of the day, I don’t falter. Maybe it was part of her strategy. Maybe she saw me as a threat. Probably.
Your riffing off of Kahanna’s jokes that weren’t really working, while it seemed shady in the moment, you were also, like you said, giving her a chance to volley a comeback in response. How did you perceive those interactions while filming Snatch Game?
Snatch Game was a whirlwind of a day. I knew for a fact that Kahanna knew all of Coco’s one-liner zingers. I had worked with her on the girl group challenge, the two acting challenges, even in the ball when we were bouncing ideas off of each other for the outfits we created while we were there. We worked so closely together literally every episode. And in Snatch Game, you can’t break character and do what I had usually been doing. Like in the acting challenge when I was like, “Girl, it’s OK, stay calm,” I can’t do that during Snatch Game. So, in my head, while she was bombing really hard, I’m trying to be a friend to her. I can’t just get up and say, “It’s OK, girl,” so in my head, I was like, “What can I do?”
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Instead of thinking of my own jokes, I was thinking of how I can make her tell a joke, basically. Sometimes you’ve just got to let a bitch sink, but it is what it is. In my thinking, I was like if I can get her to get a joke, maybe she can get the ball rolling and start telling more jokes as Coco. I guess she didn’t see it that way, and that’s fair. That’s her opinion. Those are her feelings, and they are valid. It’s rather unfortunate that she felt that way, but I was more hurt that she felt that I would do that intentionally in a sense of putting her down. As close as we worked together and as much as we had done together, it did hurt me a bit to think that she would think that.
It felt like projection, honestly. And I think that’s kind of what it was. She felt like she was doing bad already and projected it off to me and felt like I was trying to tear her down.
In hindsight, do you regret deciding to leave the show?
No. I stand by every decision I make. I try to live with no regrets, and though, yes, over the last nine or eight months since filming, I have definitely battled with depression and horrible thoughts about all the things, at the end of the day, I stand by it. You do have to put yourself first. I think everything happens for a reason. Maybe I needed to go there and that needed to happen to me so I could grow from it and learn things that I’ve learned about myself since. I stand by it, and I’d do it again.
What are some of your happiest memories from filming?
Honestly, when we weren’t at each other’s necks, kiking with the girls was some of my favorite moments. Learning so much about myself and how much I’ve grown from it, becoming friends with Kasha and becoming closer friends with Jimbo. That’s what I’m cultivating. I’m working on taking the good aspects of it, of the whole experience, and cultivating those experiences into lifelong friendships and things that can help me grow.
That sounds lovely. And what would you say was your strategy going into this season?
My strategy was to have everyone like me, which they all did.
I mean, former Miss Congeniality!
Exactly! So it was not hard. And then me, Jimbo, and Kandy were all on tour right before we left together, so of course we were like, “OK, I’ll watch your [back].” This is the truth. I’m gonna say this. I don’t know if you’ve heard this before, but the reason why me, Jimbo, and Kandy were in an alliance together was because we all saw each other at each other’s biggest competition in the competition. That’s why we decided to watch out for each other, because if we as the biggest competition are watching out for each other, we don’t have much to worry about.
Heidi N Closet joins Ben DeLa Creme and Adore Delano as queens who’ve self-eliminated on All Stars 💔 #AllStars8 #DragRace pic.twitter.com/uZAfcpqEbE
— Madame Vaudeville (@onlyedgarxo) June 2, 2023
So, you were making a leadership alliance in your mind?
In a sense, yeah.
I imagine there were some feelings of shock when that started to fall apart a little bit.
Yeah, it was. Sometimes I was like, “if we’re supposed to be watching out for each other and making sure we’re all OK, then why are we bickering? Why are we doing this?” We weren’t gonna pull punches with each other, like we were gonna like read each other, but we were never gonna be gunning for each other. And that’s kind of what it evolved into when some people — I’m not gonna say who — started feeling like there was favoritism to the extent that they could not deal with it.
In the episode, it looks like you made the immediate decision to leave. Is that how it really happened?
The gag is, I can tell you this whole thing right here. I had been riddled with anxiety the whole season, and the [day that I quit], I woke up that morning and for the first time, I felt a peace and a calm over my body. It felt beautiful, and it felt amazing. I was like, “Wow, OK, I’m here. I feel great now.” And then as soon as I got into The Werk Room, all that was just s**t. And then [I remembered] what peace was like. I was like, you know, I don’t necessarily wanna be here that bad and some of these girls want and need this more than me, so I’ll go and I’m at peace with that.
That shows a lot of self-awareness. I think it’s great you did what you needed to do to take care of yourself in that moment.
Thank you. Absolutely. You gotta put yourself first, regardless if it’s you and your partner or if it’s you at a worldwide drag competition show. You have to put yourself first.
RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars, Fridays, Paramount+
