“Who wants to sit around and wait to die? I don’t want to do that.”
– A father with heart problems waiting in line to ride a zip-line with his family shares how he lessens his fears by reminding himself to take advantage of life.
Late Night With Seth Meyers (NBC)
“I gotta say, I’m not looking to Joe’s new slogan: ‘Oh, you know what I meant.’”
– Seth Meyers comes up with a new campaign line for Joe Biden after he made a comment in an interview that he may need to fact-check.
Love on the Spectrum (Netflix)
“What I’ve also noticed with a lot of girls your age, Liv, when they’re still in high school, they only want a boyfriend, not just for intercourse, but also as a bodyguard, and as a sugar daddy.”
– Michael shares his perspective on the young dating world over dinner with his family on the new Netflix series that follows young adults on the autism spectrum as they navigate finding true love.
Fear City: New York vs. The Mafia (Netflix)
“People once called New York ‘Fun City.’ Now the police and firemen’s unions in New York are calling it ‘Fear City.’”
– A news clip from the ’70s highlights the dominating impact of the Mafia in New York City.
Lost Resort (TBS)
“I’m gonna come out like Jane. I don’t need Tarzan though. I can be Jane all by myself.”
– Meco, who is coming to the island for abandonment issues, gets herself in the right mindset to cleanse herself of her negative life experiences and start fresh on the exotic wellness retreat.
Perry Mason (HBO)
“May God pour honey over your body and stake you to an anthill, you blaspheming whore.”
— A much less than happy parishioner gives Sister Alice (Tatiana Maslany) a piece of their mind in a letter addressed to the preacher about her evangelical antics.
Game On! (CBS)
“I’m like a referee, except with a better outfit.”
– Keegan-Michael Key cracks a joke as he introduces the competitors for the finale: Kevin Nealon and Terrell Owens.
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (CBS)
“Taco Bell announced that it will be retiring some menu items. Starting August 13, they will no longer serve the seven-layer burrito, Nachos Supreme, the Beefy Fritos Burrito Triple Layer Nachos, and seven more items. But don’t worry — if you order one of these items everyday starting tomorrow, you still have time to be dead before they’re gone!”
– Stephen Colbert assuages the fears of die hard Taco Bell menu item fans in his “Quarantinewhile” monologue segment.
Corporate (Comedy Central)
Lynn: “Um, Christian? I know they’re technically our competition, but tonight is the series finale of Society Tomorrow.”
Christian: “Oh my God. How could I forget? It’s had me on the edge all season. Okay, let’s table the subscriber conversation. I want to talk theories.”
– Right in the middle of a serious meeting about increasing subscribers on his streaming platform, Christian DeVille (Lance Reddick) wants to start conspiring about a popular television show that happens to be in competition with his company.