Best Lines on TV This Week: ‘Spaghetti and Musketballs…Eggs Benedict Arnold. For Shame, for Shame’

Tom Mison as Ichabod Crane in Sleepy Hollow - 'I, Witness'
Tina Rowden/FOX
SLEEPY HOLLOW: Ichabod Crane (Tom Mison) in the "I, Witness" Season Three premiere episode of SLEEPY HOLLOW airing Monday, Oct. 1 (9:00-10:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. ©2014 Fox Broadcasting Co. CR: Tina Rowden/FOX

Sleepy Hollow

“Spaghetti and Musketballs, ‘Cannot Tell a Lie’ Cherry Pie, Eggs Benedict Arnold! For shame, for shame.”
— Ichabod (Tom Mison) reads the menu items at a colonial-themed restaurant called (what else?) “Colonial Times”

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

“Wait, is this still cagey banter, or are we being honest all of a sudden?” — Coulson (Clark Gregg) can’t tell how transparent Rosalind (Constance Zimmer) is being

Fresh Off the Boat

“Why are Americans so obsessed with being friends with their children? I have no children friends.” — Jessica (Constance Wu) just doesn’t understand her friend’s parenting style

The Mindy Project

“This is a family building. So can you dial it down a couple of shades of grey?”
— Danny (Chris Messina) making a very surprising pop culture reference

“Our baby is a work of art. It’s like being at the Guggenheim all day.”
— Danny (Chris Messina) expressing how much he loves his son

The Last Man on Earth

“Jackie O-no you didn’t” — Carol reflects on the classic First Lady outfits

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

“In other words, Posh Spice is doing better than Old Spice.”
— Fallon comparing how Victoria and David Beckham are now richer than Queen Elizabeth

Faking It

“You going to be OK? Because if you die I want your room… And your blow dryer.”
— Lauren’s not-so-reassuring words to Amy post-puke

Doctor Who

“I hope you’re grateful. It wasn’t easy to procure, and very nearly unique of course. You should feel privileged: The only other chair on Skaro.”
— Davros (Julian Bleach) reveals that the tank-contained Daleks once had a need for a human chair.

Scream Queens

Zayday: “This is insane.”
Denise: “What’s insane are your tweets to the Executive Producer of the hit TV show How to Get Away With Murder. Exhibit B: Six months ago you tweeted at Shonda, ‘If Annalise Keating really wanted to get away with murder, she’d find a partner and work as a team. #Cahoots.’”
— Denise’s (Niecy Nash) definition of evidence is looser than most people’s

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Wuntz: “Hello, Raymond. You’re looking old and sickly.”
Holt: “So nice of you to greet us, Madeline. I thought surely you’d still be crushed under that house in Munchkinland.”
Wuntz: “Sticks and stones, Raymond.”
Holt: “Describing your breakfast? I came out as a gay cop in the 1980s, so it’s gonna take more than reassigning me to break my spirit.”
— Archenemies Captain Holt (André Braugher) and Madeline Wuntz (Kyra Sedgwick) trade a war of words