Game of Thrones: Good Week for Dragons, Bad Week for Sailors

Read no further if you haven’s seen episode 5 of Season 5 of Game of Thrones (“Kill the Boy”).

Ugh. Yep, Ser Barristan really is dead after last week’s ambush by the Sons of the Harpy. Thus endeth the life of one of Westeros’ fiercest fighters, and a pretty stand-up guy, too. Elsewhere, Jon Snow killed the boy (his innocence, if there was any left) by going with Tormund Giantsbane to collect the Free Folk north of the Wall and bring them back south; Sansa discovered Theon Reek at Winterfell; and Dany decided to hitch herself to one of the great Meereenese houses. (As long as she gets to keep Daario on the side, that’s all right, we guess.) Here’s whom the gods smiled upon, and who had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

A Good Week For…

Grey Worm

He’s alive! And he got to kiss Missandei! For an Unsullied, Grey Worm sure got some moves, telling Missandei the only thing he was afraid of when he fell, almost-fatally wounded, to the ground, was never seeing her again.

The Wildlings

Farmland and safety for everyone! Even after literally thousands of years of enmity with the Night’s Watch, they now get something of a free pass. Lord Commander Jon Snow realizes the fewer Free Folk they leave north of the Wall, the fewer reanimated corpses to fight when the White Walkers inevitably come sweeping south. (Yes, “fewer,” not “less,” and thank you for reminding the cretins out there, Stannis.) So it’s a nice boat cruise down from Hardhome, if they agree.

Theon Reek

He gets to keep what remains of his dominant hand! He had to cough up one of the more awkward apologies in Westerosi history to Sansa—at Ramsay’s behest, natch—but that’s a small price to pay for not having yet another finger flayed off.

A Bad Week For…

The Leaders of Meereen’s Great Families

Two of ’em got snacked on by Rhaegal and Viserion, and it’s hard to say they didn’t deserve to die, but being lit on fire (by dragonfire, no less) and consumed at the same time might be a bit much, even if the point is to send a message.

Tyrion

Withdrawal from alcohol is an unpleasant thing. It’s even worse when you have to sail through the haunted, still smoking ruins of old Valyria, which was consumed by something called “the Doom” hundreds of years ago. And it’s the Absolute Worst when you’re attacked by a group of end-stage greyscale victims (“Stone Men”) and nearly drown.

Ser Jorah Mormont

He’s not an alcoholic like Tyrion, but he had to face the same monsters, and his Absolute Worst comes when one of the creatures manages to infect him just from a mere touch. Hope you took out an unlife insurance policy, Jorah.