Best Lines of the Week (July 31-August 6): ‘Swiffer Would Be on It’

Best Quotes TV Lines
ABC/Byron Cohen; HBO/Lloyd Bishop; Netflix

This week was definitely comedy heavy.

Naturally, late night television served up some of those laughs through Last Week Tonight With John Oliver and The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon. Viewers were kept glued to the screen with America’s Got Talent‘s 15 anniversary special and the season finale of Tournament of Laughs.

Audiences got their reality fix through the first episode of The Real Housewives of Potomac. On a more serious note, Latif Nasser’s new Netflix series Connected gets philosophical, and this week’s episode of The 100 sent shivers down the spine.

Check out our top ten lines on television this week below.

United We Fall, Sandy, Jane Curtin
ABC/Byron Cohen

United We Fall (ABC)

“You know, if this is my last moment in this house, I just have to say… I hate that couch.”

– Sandy (Jane Curtin) confesses her feelings about the home’s decor to Bill (Will Sasso) before they leave for her colonoscopy.

AGT, Howie Mandel

America's Got Talent (NBC)

“This show has evolved like no other show has evolved. It’s gotten bigger. It’s gotten crazier. It’s gotten more dangerous.”

Howie Mandel reflects on how AGT has developed in the 15th anniversary special.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (NBC)

“Come on, Clorox, this is it, this is your big moment. If there were a dust pandemic, you think Swiffer would be like, ‘Eh, we’ll get you next year’? Swiffer would be on it!”

Jimmy Fallon comments on a news headline saying that the Clorox wipes shortage could last until 2021.

RHOP, Monique, Karen

The Real Housewives of Potomac (Bravo)

“What the H-E-double chopsticks is going on?”

– Karen freaks out when Monique shows up to her house with a pet bird on her shoulder.

Connected, Latif Nasser

Connected (Netflix)

“I’m Latif Nasser, and this is a show about the astonishing connections all around us. Connections between you and me and our world that’ll make you see that world in a whole new way.”

– Latif Nasser introduces the first episode of his brand new Netflix show, which is intended to show audiences just how small our world really is, in that we are all connected somehow.

The 100, Madi
The CW

The 100 (The CW)

“I’m in a quandary, Madi. As a fellow former commander, you have a claim to the throne, and while killing you solves that problem, it makes my Indra problem worse.”

– Sheidheda (J.R. Bourne) corners Madi (Lola Flanery), demanding that she kneel to him and scares her enough to leave her shaking.

Tournament of Laughs, Piff the Magic Dragon

Tournament of Laughs (TBS)

“Piff the Magic Dragon combining two of my favorite things: eating turkey and burning magicians at the stake.”

– Host Jason Sudeikis comments on comedian Piff the Magic Dragon’s act.

American Dad, Klaus

American Dad (TBS)

Stan: “Is this true, Klaus? Is it true that you’ve recently become amazing at Photoshop?”

Klaus: “Let me put it this way: I’ve recently become amazing at Photoshop.”

– Once again, the relationship between Stan (Seth MacFarlane) and Klaus (Dee Bradley Baker) takes the cake as the Smith family meets to conspire about a way to break up a problematic couple.

HBO/Lloyd Bishop

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

“The dinosaurs died nearly 65 million years ago, and you would still be absolutely floored if someone only just told you about them. ‘I’m sorry — there were WHAT? Where? What do you mean everywhere? And they were how big? Some of them could fly? What happened to them?….Oh no!’”

John Oliver uses an exaggerated example to critique the many holes in the History curriculums of America’s schools.