Best Lines of the Week (September 6-12): 'He Came Out of Retirement and Found Me'

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FX/NBC/HBO
The Kelly Clarkson Show, NBC

The Kelly Clarkson Show (NBC)

“Technically this is my first 9-to-5 job!”

—Kelly Clarkson kicks off the first episode of her new daytime talk show.

Succession, HBO

Succession (HBO)

“We need to wear the hair shirt, call you a shit bag, and say we never watch, OK?”

—Logan Roy (Brian Cox) tells son-in-law Tom Wambsgans (Matthew Mcfayden) to feign ignorance to the press.

The Affair, Showtime

The Affair (Showtime)

“You can’t see yourself and you never could, and that’s why you never get what you want.”

—Sasha (Claes Bang) explains to Noah (Dominic West) that his fictional character parallels his own life.

Bill Burr: Paper Tiger (Netflix)

“I don’t know what the f— is going on, but I think white women started it.”

—Comedian Bill Burr jokes on his new Netflix special, which premiered Sept. 10th.

Bachelor in Paradise, ABC

Bachelor in Paradise (ABC)

“He came out of retirement — and found me.”

—Katie Morton is excited about her love story with Bachelor in Paradise veteran Chris Bukowski

Prospect on

 Mayans M.C. (FX)

“I know proof isn’t what I saw.”

—Ezekiel ‘EZ’ Reyes (JD Pardo) struggles with telling his side of the story and involving the cops.

The Righteous Gemstones (HBO)

“That’s what rural means: poverty person.”

—Judy Gemstone (Edi Patterson) continues her verbal takedown of sister-in-law Amber (Cassidy Freeman), after Amber reveals she grew up in a “rural area.”

Ghosted (MTV)

“Honestly I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t forgive me, ’cause I don’t know if I could forgive myself.”

— Del expresses regret after confessing to Julia the real reason he ghosted her.

Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, NBC

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon (NBC)

“My band also knows every song in like 3 keys because it depends on the time of month. My voice gets lower every once in a while! You’re welcome. That’s what you’re going to get on the Kelly Clarkson Show! Let’s talk about menstrual cycles!”

—Kelly Clarkson praises her band for assisting on her eponymous daytime show, which premiered Sept. 9th.

The Real Housewives of Orange County, Bravo

The Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo)

Sometimes it’s satire, which is jokes at the expense of others. So it’s not always sarcasm.”

—Shane Simpson responds to wife Emily’s criticism about his sense of humor.

Grand Hotel (ABC)

“Are you saying he may never come home?”

—Helen receives some unpleasant news about her husband. 

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From the premiere of Kelly Clarkson's daytime talk show, The Kelly Clarkson Show, to Bill Burr's latest Netflix special Paper Tiger, and the current Succession quips, catch all the best lines in our roundup.

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