Best Lines of the Week (February 24-March 2): 'We're Trying to Tank!'

The Oscars (ABC)

Samuel L. Jackson: First of all, Spike, I’m so glad you’re sitting down. After 18 consecutive home losses, the Knicks won tonight. I repeat, the Knicks won tonight defeating San Antonio 130 to 118.

Spike Lee (from the audience): We’re trying to tank!

—Samuel L. Jackson to Spike Lee, a lifelong New York Knicks fan, when he was presenting the award at Sunday night’s Academy Awards. Lee also won his first Oscar that night for Best Adapted Screenplay for BlacKkKlansman

Schooled (ABC)

Lainey: Listen to me carefully, because I’m only gonna say this once. If you come out on that stage looking like Kriss Kross, the other kids will annihilate you. They’ll call you “The Turd Twins,” and make the next four years a living hell. And then when you finally graduate and start a new life you’ll bury the trauma. Until your 10-year reunion when you introduce your hot wife Claire to your fellow classmates, and they’re like “hey, did you know your husband once danced onstage to Kriss Kross?” Claire will leave you!

—Lainey (AJ Michalka) telling students about how performing onstage will ruin their reputation forever.

Schitt’s Creek (Pop)

John: Well, for what it’s worth, Alexis, I always thought “Hampton’s Hoes” was quite catchy.

—John (Eugene Levy) remembering Alexis’s (Annie Murphy) album while she thinks about auditioning for the community theater’s production of Cabaret

Shadowhunters (Freeform)

Magnus: A tiger has stripes. I have eyeliner.

— Magnus’s (Harry Shum Jr.) response to when Alec (Matthew Daddario) calls him beautiful without makeup.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo)

Lisa: I have a butler named Elvis? Well, that’s great. Maybe he can ‘Love Me Tender.’

—Lisa Vanderpump on finding out the name of her butler on a girls’ trip to the Bahamas

Splitting Up Together (ABC)

Camille: I came as soon as I heard

Lena: Did you get a haircut?

Camille: I came as soon as I heard and directly after my haircut. Only because Andy is so hard to get in with and he probably would’ve charged me if I didn’t show. I mean, I don’t know for sure that he would’ve charged me, but I didn’t want to risk it. Plus, I was really ready for a change.

—Camille (Lindsay Price) comes to the hospital to support Lena (Jenna Fischer) after she finds out that Martin (Oliver Hudson) is the father of Lisa’s (Monica Barbaro) baby

Miracle Workers (TBS)

Sanjay: So what’s wrong with the microwave?

God: I’ll tell ya what’s wrong, nobody told me to work it you gotta have a science degree.

— God (Steve Buscemi) asking his Chief Arcangel Sanjay (Karan Soni) about how to use a microwave.

SMILF (Showtime)

Bridgette: I just wanted to be classy. I wanted to travel… I mean, I’ve never even been to Maine.

— Bridgette (Frankie Shaw) expressing her fears for after her baby comes.

The Walking Dead (AMC)

Carol: What’s going on? Where’s everybody else going, and why are you scared to tell me?

King Ezekiel: Scared? What? [Laughs] Jerry, is this the face of a scared man?

Jerry: No comment, Your Majesty.

—Carol (Melissa McBride) questioning King Ezekiel (Khary Payton) about a “secret mission” that she wasn’t told about, and Jerry (Cooper Andrews) tries to avoid the confrontation altogether

NCIS (FOX)

Max: You sure you’re a real agent?

Torres: Yeah, why?

Max: You’re wearing a T-shirt, women’s small from the looks of it. Don’t you own a suit?

—Agent Nick Torres (Wilmer Valderrama) getting critiqued on his outfit choice by his new mentee, Max (Sloane Morgan Siegel)