Best Lines on TV This Week: ‘Clear Eyes, Full Carts, Let’s Shop!’

Jane the Virgin

“Clear eyes, full carts, let’s shop!”
— Jane (Gina Rodriguez) Friday Night Lights her Target shopping strategy for Rafael the #BlackFridayVirgin

“Note the riding boots. Dr. Bolton is a champion equestrian, so I’m trying to pique her interest without having to answer too many questions about horses.”
— Jane shows she’s ready to impress one of her writing idols

“This is not plan… this is Weekend at Bernie’s.”
— Petra (Yael Groblas) disapproves of her mother’s ’80s movie plan to hide a dead body

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Jake: “Hey, Gina. I need a top secret favor. Sharon is coming to the precinct and I need your help.”
Gina: “Uh, it better not be pregnancy-related, ’cause that crap is nasty.”
Jake: “The miracle of life?”
Gina: “Dress it up however you want, that’s some disgusting animal kingdom nonsense.”
— Jake (Andy Samberg) and Gina (Chelsea Peretti) have very different views about birth

Sharon: “A doula is someone who supports you emotionally and physically and coaches you through the process.”
Peralta: “Oh, I see. So sort of like a vaginal Gandalf?”
— Jake’s attempt to connect life with references to Lord of the Rings

Castle

Vikram: “Surprise! Welcome to our new office.”
Beckett: “A strip club? Really?”
Vikram: “Hey, you said to find a location where we can hunt for LokSat without anyone looking over our shoulders.”
Beckett: “Yeah, and this is the best you could find?”
Vikram: “It’s perfect. Vice raided the place. Now it’s tied up in trial. We can operate here for months completely off the grid. Plus, I can work out my core.”
— Beckett (Stana Katic) and Vikram (Sunkrish Bala) disagree about what makes an ideal off-the-grid spot to meet

Blindspot

“I can’t go back to my apartment. Everything there reminds me of him. His Firefly DVDs, my board games.”
— Patterson (Ashley Johnson) reveals a surprising detail about her late boyfriend’s love for a cult sci-fi show

The Mindy Project

“Hey, to celebrate our matrimony, how about a little mattress-mony?”
— Danny (Chris Messina) hopes to get a little pre-work bedroom action

“Hey, your mom is ruining this wedding for me, and it’s not fair, Danny. I’m supposed to be the one that ruins it for everybody else.”
— Mindy (Mindy Kaling) sets some boundaries when it comes to wedding planning

Scream Queens

“Plus, are you going to, like, make a habit of pushing people down the stairs? Because I think we can both agree, that’s not the most adult form of conflict resolution, Chanel.”
— Chad (Glen Powell) is upset with Chanel (Emma Roberts) for her recent behavior

Young & Hungry (Christmas special)

Josh: Elliot, whatcha doing?
Elliot: Trying to take my mind off of Alan’s cruise by watching Titanic.
— Elliot (Rex Lee) may not have the best idea to forget about his husband Alan (Bryan Safi)

Gravity Falls

“What is this new world? Shining…  shimmering…  splendid!”
— Soos proves to be a big Aladdin fan

Doctor Who

“Don’t bring the new human. I’ll get distracted.”
— Even the Doctor (Peter Capaldi) can’t resist babies

“My God! A whole London street just up and disappears and you lot assume it’s a copyright infringement?”
— The Doctor is not impressed by cartographers’ attempts to stop plagiarism

Marvel’s Jessica Jones

Kilgrave: “Kevin died in that lab.”
Jessica: “Granted, it is a mundane name, but Kilgrave? Talk about obvious. Was ‘Murdercorpse’ already taken?”
***
Claire: “Guess it’s just harder to believe someone would call himself…Kilgrave. I mean, why not just ‘Snuffcarcass’?”
— Two separate hilarious instances where Kilgrave’s (David Tennant) choice of a new name is questioned

“Yoga’s not exercising, it’s stretching.”
— Jessica (Krysten Ritter) doesn’t think Trish’s (Rachael Taylor) workout can be classified as, well, exercise

“Would you put day drinking under ‘experience’ or ‘special skills’?”
— Jessica this her liquid meals would make an ideal resumé builder

The Librarians

Cassandra: “So once you are inside, you are looking for a sort of… stone… globe-y thing with crystals, or a, uh, crystal globe encrusted with stones.”
Baird: “It would be great if you could narrow that down to an actual description.”
Cassandra: “Yeah, it would be great if the Bronze Age Librarians weren’t quite so poetic. ‘The eye of Zarathustra is the key to the door of lost knowledge, the staff summoned by sun and rue.’
Baird: “I see your point.”
— Cassandra (Lindy Booth) and Baird (Rebecca Romijn) discuss the merits of being more straightforward

Scorpion

Let’s hear it for Sylvester! https://t.co/opIq7NqN7y #TeamScorpion #Melvester @aristidham pic.twitter.com/Yt7nS2hFbv

— Scorpion (@ScorpionCBS) November 24, 2015