Best Lines on TV This Week: ‘I Kind of Ate the Only Boyfriend I’ve Ever Had’

Jack Rowand/ABC
Ruby (left) and Mulan

Once Upon a Time

“I kind of ate the only boyfriend I’ve ever had.”
— Ruby AKA Red Riding Hood (Meghan Ory) proves that she might not be the best person to ask for relationship advice

The Librarians

“If I knew there was this much wealth on display in college, I’d have bought into higher education a lot sooner.”
— Ezekiel Jones (John Kim) can’t believe the worth of the watch he just stole from a student

“Just because you have a dozen degrees, it doesn’t mean you know everything.”
— Jacob Stone (Christian Kane) makes a valid point as he argues with his former academic idol

Bob’s Burgers

“Did Santa grant you an exclusive interview you never told us about?! Did you intern in the North Pole as an undergrad?!”
Louise (Kristen Schaal) does not believe Bob (H. Jon Benjamin) when he says she’ll be getting presents this year

“It’s a Jewish hockey league. We’re the Mighty Schmucks.”
Teddy explains why his hockey team is available to participate in Louise’s ice show

Doctor Who

“What used to be sleep in your eye has turned into a carnivorous life form!”
The Doctor (Peter Capaldi) ensuring that viewers will never sleep again

The Grinder

Lizzie: I thought you weren’t taking any more freebies.
Dean: You know, Lizzie, I learned some things in there. Much like Martin Luther King when he was jailed. I learned that fame is not just a privilege. It’s a responsibility. And I owe it to the people who made me famous to remain famous.
Dean (Rob Lowe) learns a “lesson” while in the county jail overnight

The Royals

Liam: “You stalked her.”
Jasper: “I prefer ‘bodyguardian angel’.”
Jasper (Tom Austen) has clearly given his new title a lot of thought

Jane the Virgin

“A telenovela version of Mad Men! We’ll call it Hombres Locos. The original is a masterpiece, but mine will move much faster. It’s a ‘fasterpiece’ if you will.”
Rogelio (Jaime Camil) pitches his idea for his new show

“You know the sincerest form of flattery…Revenge!”
Rogelio (Jaime Camil) has a slightly different take on a well known saying

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Jake: “We’ve never even had a fight.”
Amy: “It’s true. Our only close call was when Jake didn’t know who Will Shortz was.”
Holt: “(To Jake) Really? Never heard of the Puzzle Master? (To Amy) Is this who you want to be with?”
Holt (Andre Braugher) doesn’t take Jake (Andy Samberg) not knowing Will Shortz well

“Who doesn’t bring their phone with them in the bathroom? That’s like the whole reason to go in there!”
Jake (Andy Samberg) has other uses for the bathroom


“Chocolate pecan pie is the best dessert in the galaxy. And as someone who’s been to 12 different planets, I mean that literally.”
Kara (Melissa Benoist) is quite the cultured foodie

Fresh Off the Boat

“Pearl Jam? That’s what I’m calling mayonnaise from now on!”
— Evan (Ian Chen) takes Eddie’s announcement in a different direction

“Individual Cornish Hens. They’re the personal pizzas of the bird world.”
Louis (Randall Park) suggests an alternate Thanksgiving protein


“This is the best brain ever. I almost want to start killing magicians so it never ends.”
Ravi (Rahul Kohli) is enjoying Liv’s (Rose McIver) new aptitude for magic tricks

Chicago Med

“He’s going to light up some estrogen receptors around here.”
Daniel (Oliver Platt) finds a creative way to say that Connor (Colin Donnell) is attractive

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

“You all live on top of each other, like Keebler Elves.”
Lincoln (Luke Mitchell) has a few qualms about S.H.I.E.L.D.’s secret lair

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

“This time the debate will feature just three candidates, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Martin O’Malley. Or as viewers call them, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and a bathroom break.”
— Jimmy Fallon skewers the second Democratic debate

The Mindy Project

“Christmas? That’s three Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup shapes away from now!”
— Mindy has an interesting (but delicious) way of keeping track of time

“Taylor Swift’s a genius. She’s a rich, white model and even your poor ass feels bad for her because she sings about getting dumped.”
Tamra (Xosha Rocquemore) tells it like it is

Ash Vs. Evil Dead