Best Lines on TV This Week: ‘I Love You, But I Want to Punch You’
There was lots of quotable TV this week, from some family bonding in the woods on This Is Us to some ex-roomie disputes on The Big Bang Theory. Enjoy our weekly round-up of our other quips, quotes and quick bits of dialogue from some of our favorite shows.
This Is Us
Kate: “Uh, I almost died in a plane crash, Kevin. Okay? My life flashed before my eyes.”
Kevin: “Kate, you experienced mild turbulence. All right? You spilled your peanuts.”
Kate: “It was scary. Shut up!”
—Kevin (Justin Hartley) tries to understand Kate’s (Chrissy Metz) sudden desire to have gastric bypass surgery.
“Forgive me for not learning in high school. I was having sex, Randall.”
—Kevin’s (Justin Hartley) response to Randall (Sterling K. Brown) making fun of him for thinking bears could unlock doors.
“I’m sorry. I love you, but I want to punch you.”
—Kate (Chrissy Metz) to Kevin (Justin Hartley) when uninvited friends arrive at their family cabin.
Billy on the Street
“Let’s get ready to Nyong’oooooooooooo!”
—Billy Eichner introducing Lupita Nyong’o to at the start of a segment.
“Miss, for a dollar, when you say the name Rebecca Romijn, and you get to the end, and there’s no Stamos, do you feel like the ground is falling out from beneath you?”
—Billy to a bystander on the street.
“Elena’s name is Elaine.”
—Billy states the truth about his serial guest who revealed her legal name is Elaine.
“This is something that we can do together as we grow old. You know, some couples, they have golf, we can mistrust white people together. This could save our marriage.”
—Dre (Anthony Anderson) to Rainbow (Tracee Ellis Ross) after she reluctantly admits to acknowledging skin color
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
“May. I know it’s crazy, but Coulson came back from the dead, Fitz pulled Simmons through space through a rock, and Robbie’s head lights on fire.”
—Daisy (Chloe Bennet) explaining to May (Ming-Na Wen) why they shouldn’t give up hope on finding their lost friends.
“My powers and my childhood – they’ve left me. I guess it’s time to experience the joys of womanhood. Do you know what night Scandal’s on?”
—Dylan (Kyla Kenedy) telling Ray (Mason Cook) that she can’t figure out which toys will be the hot items of the holiday season.
Maya: “I don’t want to hear why you think a hot tub is essential to seduction, Kenneth.”
Kenneth: “It’s not something you tell. It’s something you show. And you ain’t invited!”
—Maya (Minnie Driver) and Kenneth (Cedric Yarbrough) arguing about the best way to help J.J. (Micah Fowler) with his love life.
The Big Bang Theory
“It may have appreciated in value. The artist killed himself shortly after painting that.”
—Amy (Mayim Bialik) wants to rearrange Penny’s (Kaley Cuoco) apartment, but thinks she will miss the picture of the two of them.
Sheldon: “In fact, I want you to keep the apartment flag, and I’m not just saying that because it touched your genitals.”
Leonard: “You promise?”
Sheldon: “I do. And to show you that there are no hard feelings, I am willing to rub my genitals on it as well.”
—Sheldon (Jim Parsons) making up with Leonard (Johnny Galecki) after fighting over splitting up their items between the apartments.
“But I don’t like New York. Everything costs a zillion dollars. People are rude and pushy. I saw a guy once poop on the street. He didn’t even try and hide it. He just looked at me like it was normal. I’m telling you, Sue, New York is nothing like On The Town. I mean, the Bronx is up and the Battery’s down, but that’s it.”
—Brad (Brock Ciarlelli) explains to Sue (Eden Sher) that living in New York City isn’t as glamorous as the movies make it out to be.
— Scream Queens (@ScreamQueens) December 1, 2016
Chanel #3: “I don’t think I could make a future with a guy who’s actually dead. Am I supposed to raise little half-dead/half-alive children?”
Cassidy: “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were prejudiced against dead people.”
Chanel #3: “Everyone is, I’m just willing to admit it.”
—Chanel #3 (Billie Lourd) admits that she can’t see a future with Cassidy (Taylor Lautner) if he’s really dead.
Erica: “What did you do to Ms. Horokawa?
Beverly: “Oh, you mean Mrs. Silverstein? I introduced her to the man of her dreams. They eloped. Now they’re in Belize on the trip of a lifetime.”
Erica: “You monster.”
—Beverly Goldberg (Wendi McLendon-Covey) explains to Erica Goldberg (Hayley Orrantia) how she became her Home Economics Class substitute teacher.
— The Goldbergs (@TheGoldbergsABC) December 1, 2016
“My first big part! Suck it, other Adam Goldberg! Don’t tell him I said that. I fear him.”
—Adam Goldberg’s (Sean Giambrone) reaction to finding out he had been cast in the school play.
Barry: “Make me the lead of the show. Steadman, I guess.”
Ms. Cinoman: “Wait. What?”
Barry: “‘The Phantom of the Oprah.’ I assume it’s her longtime companion, Steadman. The man behind the woman.”
—Barry Goldberg (Troy Gentile) is confused on what the school’s play is about when discussing a role with Ms. Cinoman (Ana Gasteyer).
Manny: “A vote with a moral stain on it, since ballots are reserved for the land owning adults.”
Gloria: “Because nobody wants to go to the birthplace of Edgar Allan Poe.”
—Gloria (Sofia Vergara) explains to Manny (Rico Rodriguez) why his vote isn’t valid for family vacations.
“Best tips I ever made was when we passed the hat after a performance of my improv group, ‘Rule of Three.’ We were known for our sketches, song parodies, and full-frontal nudity.”
—Phil (Ty Burrell) reminisces about his tip making days after Luke (Nolan Gould) shares stories from the country club he’s working at.
“Oh, thank God you’re here. I can hear the Russians upstairs laughing at democracy.”—Cam (Eric Stonestreet) to Gloria (Sofia Vergara) after she arrives to assist in kicking out squatters.
“But, Dr. Ellie, you are the only reason we moved to this beautiful, idyllic, picture-perfect hellhole.”
—Katie Otto (Katy Mixon) upon hearing that her daughter’s special needs teacher has lost her position due to budget cuts.
— Westworld (@WestworldHBO) December 3, 2016
Logan: “What do you want to do? Smuggle her out in your luggage?”
Dolores: “Out. You both keep assuming that I want out. Whatever that is. If it’s such a wonderful place out there, why are you all clamoring to get in here?”
—-Dolores (Evan Rachel Wood) snaps back against Logan (Ben Barnes).