“I’m finally exactly where I should be. I never had that before.”
– Alex Karev (Justin Chambers) reveals his shocking and heartbreaking reasons for leaving Seattle.
The Bachelor (ABC)
“I didn’t say stupid. I called you a dramatic f***ing bitch.”
–Kelsey Weir clarifies a past insult to Sydney Hightower on a tense “Women Tell All” episode.
Saturday Night Live (NBC)
“It’s hard to make friends as an adult male. I think that was the greatest miracle of Jesus, truly, is that he was a 33 year old man and he had 12 best friends and they were not his wife’s friend’s husbands and he didn’t meet them a long time ago in school. He met them in his thirties.”
– John Mulaney speculates on friendless dads during his opening monologue as he hosted SNL for the third time.
Dean Buscher/The CW
Riverdale (The CW)
Betty: “Even by our standards, this was a pretty crazy week.”
Jughead: “Well, pretending to be dead is one thing, but hiding under a cot in this sex bunker of death while you make out with Archie just to convince a bunch of evil preppies that I did die…”
Betty: “Yeah, definitely cracks the top ten craziest things. But it worked.”
– Betty (Lili Reinhart) talks to the not-dead Jughead (Cole Sprouse) about the plan to fake his death.
Hardball with Chris Matthews (MSNBC)
“The younger generations out there are ready to take the reins.”
– Chris Matthews unexpectedly retires from Hardball after over 20 years.
Devs (FX on Hulu)
Sergei: “This changes everything. If it’s true, it literally changes every single thing.”
Katie: “No. If it’s true, it changes absolutely nothing. In a way, that’s the point.”
– Sergei (Karl Glusman) and Katie (Alison Pill) about the cryptic technology at the heart of the Devs department
Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC)
“It’s called the ‘Hello Bow.’ While everybody else is sitting around paying 80 dollars for a forty-five cent mask, we’re coming up with ways to stop this thing!”
– Jimmy and Guillermo display new handshakes viewers can use to stop the spread of the coronavirus.
The New Pope (HBO)
Assente: “You’re a bad person, Voiello.”
Voiello: “No, I am an appalling person.”
– Cardinal Voiello (Silvio Orlando) out-schemes and out-blackmails his fellow Cardinal (Maurizio Lombardi).
Schitt’s Creek (Pop TV)
“I’m film and television’s Moira Rose. Won’t you join me for a little stroll through the slice of paradise I like to call… the town where I currently am?”
– Moira Rose (Catherine O’Hara) films a promotional video for the titular town.
Sony Pictures Media
“What is ‘Do-a-180’?”
– Contestant Paul incorrectly guesses Joel “The Process” Embiid’s famous nickname.
Jersey Shore Family Vacation (MTV)
Lauren: Where to?
Mike: Back to the Jersey Shore.
– Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is released after an eight-month prison sentence.
Elsewhere, John Mulaney did a third stint hosting Saturday Night Live, while The Jersey Shore's Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino got out of prison and Jimmy Kimmel came up with creative ways to combat the spread of COVID-19.