Best Lines on TV This Week (June 16-22): 'Yeah, I'm Like an Inverted Samson'

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Ellen DeGeneres Show
Brooks Kraft/Getty Images

The Ellen DeGeneres Show

Ellen DeGeneres: “Time Magazine came out with their 100 hundred most influential people. I’m not on it. Cancel subscription. Obviously fake news.”

-Ellen shares a candid thought about not being included in Time’s 2017 list of influential people. She also directly poked fun at the overuse of the term fake news.

SHADOWHUNTERS - ALBERTO ROSENDE
John Medland/Freeform

Shadowhunters

Luke: “About that, I hope you and Clary are, you know…being safe.”

Simon: “Yeah. Yeah, um…totally. But I figured, ‘cause of the vampire thing, I…I couldn’t, um….[clears throat] I couldn’t really get Clary…you know…”

Luke: “Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah! That’s…. I…I wasn’t talking about that. I was talking about the bloodlust.”

Simon: “Right! Yeah, of course. Well, if, uh…things get too heated, I can, um…I know how to pull back.”

-Simon (Alberto Rosende) gets the wrong idea when Luke (Isaiah Mustafa) asks him about his vampiric urges.

American Gods Season - Kristin Chenoweth, Ian McShane
Starz

American Gods

Mr. Wednesday: “Serious question, my dear. I’ve no doubt that millions upon millions exchange tokens and observe the rituals of your festival, all down to the hunting of the hidden eggs, but does anybody pray in your name? Do they say it in worship? Oh, they mouth your name, but they have no idea what it means, none whatsoever. Same every spring: You do all the work, he gets all the prayers.”

Ostara: “What has gotten into you?”

Jesus of Nazareth: “I feel terrible about this.”

Ostara: “No! No!”

Mr. Wednesday: “It’s her day. You took it. You crucified her. When they started following you, everybody else got burned–in your name. Happy f***ing Easter!”

-Mr. Wednesday (Ian McShane) gets real about how mortals celebrate Ostara’s (Kristin Chenoweth) big day.

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS -
Byron Cohen/ABC

Pretty Little Liars

Caleb: “She’s still waiting for somebody.”

Hanna: “Who?”

Caleb: “Jenna, Sydney, Santa Claus…”

-Caleb sarcastically replies to Hanna’s inquiry.

Silicon Valley - Thomas Middleditch
Frank Masi/HBO

Silicon Valley

Richard: “Think of it as forced adoption through aggressive guerilla marketing.”

Jared: “As a product of forced adoption, I can tell you there will be consequences.”

-Richard (Thomas Middleditch) tries to convince Jared (Zach Woods) to adopt his latest scheme.

JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE - JIMMY KIMMEL, ANDY SAMBERG
Randy Holmes/ABC

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Andy Samberg: “I am the poster child for why white people should not have dreadlocks. It just should never happen.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “You’re like the opposite of Samson, in a way.”

Rachel: “Yeah, I’m like an inverted Samson.”

-Andy Samberg recounts how he briefly had dreadlocks as a teen and how shortly thereafter, after returning to summer camp, his fellow camp counselors shaved his “white dreads.”

CASUAL - Tommy Dewey
Greg Lewis/Hulu

Casual

Random office worker: “Stealing office property?”

Alex: “I prefer the term ‘scavenging.’”

-Alex ‘rebranding’ after being caught nabbing several beverages from his workplace

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