’90 Day Fiancé’ Episode 5: Conspiracy Theory Edition (RECAP)

[Warning: The below contains MAJOR spoilers for 90 Day Fiancé Season 7, Episode 5]

Between witch doctors, aliens, and mail order bride schemes, this episode of 90 Day Fiancé leaves us with a lot to be thankful for.

The Morning After

Mike and Natalie wake up after spending their first night together after six long months apart. “The sex was incredible for me,” Mike says in a definite TMI moment, complete with a dorky-yet-still-creepy eyebrow wiggle and a “sizzling hot” reenactment. Yikes.

Then his mind goes back to a more pressing matter: the status of Natalie’s visa. This is casually brought up between the couple continuously call each other “my love” and “baby” while eating breakfast, which just seems like a lot to deal with over coffee.

Natalie takes their sexy morning talk to a more literal level, telling Mike that she wants a child as soon as possible. “Can we eat breakfast first?” Mike jokes, and Natalie explains she feels pressure because of her age. Mike reasonably suggests that they wait to discuss this until after Natalie successfully comes to the U.S., while she retorts “wrong answer” and that it’s irrelevant whether she’s in America or in the Ukraine to get pregnant. Then Mike reminds everyone (except Natalie, of course) about his debt, which is the real reason why he doesn’t want to have kids immediately. Now he just needs to tell Natalie himself.

More Honey, More Problems

With only 54 days left to wed, Anna makes honey jar favors in preparation for her upcoming nuptials, while fiancé Mursel pieces together a honeycomb altar. The theme is obvious but super cute—someone please make a Pinterest board for this, complete with the awkward translator app.

But then Mursel tells Anna that one of her sons called him “stupid” which is honestly heartbreaking. He says he doesn’t want to speak with them about it. Anna explains that they need to work on their communication. “I feel like you never want to give me any response except ‘yes, no, OK’,” Anna says.

“I don’t know,” Mursel responds, yet to the camera in Turkish he says that he doesn’t want to confront the sons because it will cause more drama. Of course this then causes even more miscommunication.

“I don’t even know if I want to get married because you never listen to me,” Anna admits, and Mursel chuckles. Is it really lost in translation, or does he just not care?

Throwing Punches

Anny and Robert hit the gym for boxing lessons but Robert is concerned the hot trainer is flirting with Anny in Spanish. The trainer then basically provides questions for more exposition to the couple. “I’ll be surprised if they last two months, honestly,” the trainer tells the camera after Anny throws Robert under the bus for keeping photos of his ex and hiding things.

“It’s my photos, it’s my past. If Anny has a problem with it, she shouldn’t look at my photos,” Robert says. Anny halfheartedly threatens to not marry him if he doesn’t delete them, prompting the trainer-turned-marriage counselor to comment: “She’s a lot to handle.” You think?

Money Can’t Buy You Class

Michael and Juliana get into his “badass” car. “She’s a car girl for sure,” Michael says to the camera. “She can drive stick shift which is a great quality in a woman.” Most likely a euphemism, but the two drive off in his racer-stripe car nevertheless to go furniture shopping for their new house.

Juliana sees a glass-encased figure, and Michael explains it’s a decorative sea sponge and Juliana likens it to SpongeBob, which she apparently watches. A producer asks in the confessional if either of them have expensive taste and Juliana says no, but Michael disagrees and says she does like the finer things but he still trusts her with his credit card. Cut to Juliana wanting a hideous circular couch for $14,000. At least it looks pre-stained so it’s kid-friendly.

Juliana tells Michael he’s mean sometimes about credit cards. Apparently a month ago she purchased a car on his credit card right before she moved to the U.S. Her excuse is that she didn’t know how long the visa process would take so she wanted a vehicle in the meantime. She says the car is now being used by her sister as a cab to make money. So who was the car really for then? “Maybe I’m not seeing what the reality was but it was hurtful, that she was making a choice she was deciding she didn’t have enough faith and confidence in our relationship at the time,” Michael says.

Baby Blues

Emily leaves the hospital with her baby boy, David, who we quickly see grow up in a time jump to three months old and Emily says the K-1 visa was finally approved for Sasha. Yet there is a roadblock with David’s Russian passport, which was an obvious huge flaw in their plan to everyone except Emily. “I urge people to do their research before having a baby in a Soviet country,” Emily says, referencing the research that she obviously didn’t do herself beforehand.

David is now six months old, and it turns out that Sasha actually waited months to apply for David’s passport as opposed to doing it immediately after David’s birth. On top of that, Sasha has been an absent parent, leaving most of the work for Emily.

“It’s been really hard because it’s been 100 percent me taking care of the baby,” Emily explains. Sasha apparently works from 5:30 am to 11 pm, so how many people exactly does this guy train?!

Emily says it’s been an isolating experience, and one of reasons why she chose to give birth in Russia was because she “wanted Sasha to bond with his son,” which he hasn’t. “Sasha maybe spends five hours a week with the baby. I don’t even know if it was worth it,” Emily admits, citing overall this has made her a stronger person but now she just wants to go home. For all we know Sasha is already working on baby (and wife) number four.

Emily tries to prepare Sasha for how the dynamic will change once they’re in America since he won’t be able to work. She urges him to engage with David as opposed to being on his iPad. Sasha says he knows how to parent because of his two previous children, but Emily points out that he actually was the one away at work in those situations and now he’ll be at home instead.

Sasha says that his last two wives suddenly turned out to be “different” after the first year of being together aka after having his kid, but it seems like their “personality changes” may have just been them wanting him to step up and actually parent. It seems like no more fun and games for Emily and Sasha.

Party Foul

Blake invites his friends to meet them at the hotel pool even though Jasmin requested a low key first day. “I’m not that excited about the pool party because I just got here,” Jasmin says. “I’m tired and I’m jet lagged. I think he should know my personality is more calm and I don’t want to meet everyone at once.”

Blake’s friends explain they were shocked about his quick engagement so there’s even more pressure on Jasmin’s first impression. Jasmin doesn’t drink at all and asks Blake not to either. “I don’t want to drink poison in my body. If I’m going to kiss Blake, I don’t want his mouth to taste like alcohol,” she says to the camera. Instead she orders tea, but as soon as the drinks arrive, she makes an awkward excuse to retreat back to her hotel room.

As for that bad first impression? “I’m here to marry Blake and not his friends.”

One Big, Happy Family

Returning to the Twilight Zone, Tania and Syngin head to meet the rest of Tania’s family, although it seems neither could be bothered to change out of their work clothes (does Tania exclusively wear that same pink shirt?). Syngin says he’s worried about being the “only white guy in a Latin family” and while he’s already met Tania’s mother and sister in South Africa, he’s nervous to meet her extended family.

Tania’s grandma Mercedes is super cute and explains her love for Tania. “I’d be defending my blood” in case Syngin ever wrongs her granddaughter, Mercedes says. Tania’s mom pressures Syngin to hold Tania’s niece and that whole biological clock conversation gets briefly started once again. Thankfully we’re saved by Tania dropping a huge bomb: she’s going to Costa Rica for three weeks to….

OK, drum roll please. Do we think this bartender-slash-protestor (actual self-stated job description) is going to a) volunteer to build orphanages, b) save lives somehow, or c) do something completely self-indulgent?

Well you guessed it—Tania is leaving her fiancé who just arrived in the U.S. to do a month-long intensive herbalism class. “It’s an investment for mine and Syngin’s future because we’d love to make our own products and start a small business,” Tania explains. Wait what? Where did this come from?

“I want to be the community witch doctor.” Well it looks like she’s already halfway there.

Tania’s sister seems less convinced: “I don’t think that’s a recipe for success. I think that’s a recipe for disaster.”

What’s a God to a Non-Believer? An Alien, Apparently

Natalie introduces Mike to her college best friend, who says she’s worried about Natalie once again having a broken heart. We learn that one of the main reasons Natalie left her ex-husband was because he didn’t want children, so it makes sense why she’s so upfront about it with Mike. Natalie’s friend says she thinks Mike is a good guy, but wants to know where he stands about important issues like religion. Mike explains that he’s never been to church and instead believes in a “higher civilization” like aliens.

“I think aliens are gods,” Mike says proudly. I think gods are misinterpretations of what people have seen back in the day. F**k yeah I believe in aliens.” Please please please let there be a 90 Day and Ancient Aliens crossover episode.

Moving Day

Michael, Juliana, and the kids move into their new house. Juliana says she’s used to packing because she moved a lot when she was in Brazil: “When you don’t have money to pay the rent, you have to move.”

Michael’s kids say how it’s been a stressful week, with Juliana arriving and then having to change homes. Juliana is shocked at how large the house is, but doesn’t want to share too much with her family back in Brazil. “I think it’s hard for them seeing me here,” Juliana admits. “I wish I could give this life to everyone there.” It’s touching, especially after Juliana explains how she used to steal food from her neighbors to feed herself while in an apartment with unfinished walls. This new home will no doubt have great memories for her, Michael and their family.

Say No to the Dress

Anna goes wedding dress shopping with Viviana, the same friend who threw the bridal shower in last week’s episode. Anna says she’s going to “try to have fun” even though she has doubts about marrying Mursel. At first she begins to look for a modest dress to respect Mursel’s Muslim faith, but then settles on a strapless tiered gown. She looks great and starts to cry while saying: “Maybe I’m making a bad decision, I don’t know. Well I know he’s the one but I’m just nervous.”

Anna keeps repeating that she knows Mursel is “the one” but it seems like she’s trying to convince herself more than anything. Viviana asks how Mursel has been and Anna admits he’s been “quiet,” which goes back to their whole lack of communication.

Silent Salad Treatment

Jasmin and Blake go out to dinner post-attempt at a pool party. Jasmin kind of has a non-apology apology about being tired and going back to the hotel suite, and Blake tells her that he didn’t know if he should have gone up and checked on her. Jasmin says “just let me be,” and then literally tells Blake to shut up once the food arrives so she can eat her salad in peace. “Usually when I eat I don’t talk at all.” Ouch. Blake, just get out when you still can.

Mail Order Bride?

Robert meets with his former in-laws Ben and Stephanie to hopefully come to an agreement about Anny. Stephanie, the aforementioned porn star, shows up wearing a very revealing dress and tells Robert that she didn’t think asking Anny about birth control was out of line. “I don’t see why she would be so upset about it,” Stephanie says.

“Because that’s her body,” Robert correctly responds. “You just harpooned her real fast.”

Stephanie says she just wants to make sure Bryson is cared for and trusts Robert but is skeptical about Anny, especially since she moved in after only meeting Robert in person once before. Ben takes it one step further and asks Robert if he only invited Anny to move to the U.S. so she could be a babysitter for Bryson.

“I kind of get the feeling you’re looking for a maid. I just don’t want it to be a mail order bride type of thing just so you can have somebody to take care of Bryson,” Ben asks. Stephanie has her own theories, that Anny just might be wanting to get a Green Card for herself and this is some sort of arrangement they worked out.

Robert refutes their claims, telling them that his “heart is in it, my mind is in it, and I’m going for it.” Stephanie says if that’s true, she would like to make amends with Anny, but Robert says it’s totally up to Anny whether or not Ben and Stephanie will be invited to the wedding.

From Ukraine, With Love

Back in the Ukraine, Natalie tries to get Mike into running because let’s face it, for most people running sucks. Mike does everything Natalie instructs, and then asks if her ex-husband was a runner. Mike is both curious and slightly jealous, and Natalie explains that her ex was in fact not a runner but that she doesn’t want to push Mike to do anything he doesn’t want to do. To the camera, Natalie explains that she is completely over her ex-husband: “Michael’s my future and my ex-husband is my past.”

Previews

Next week Tania takes off to Costa Rica, and Angela is finally shown on the show while her fiancé Michael’s friends warn him about segregation in the U.S.. Plus, other Michael’s ex-wife asks in front of Juliana if they’re getting a prenup, Sasha is shown crying at the airport as he comes to the U.S., and Anna’s sons cruelly say to Mursel that they want him to leave and not marry Anna.

It seems like next week’s coming and goings will only further the already-tense season. See you next weekend 90 Day fans!